FAT FAT FAT!!!

BEING FAT MEANS I HAVE EXTRA PADDING AROUND MY BONES AND MY MUSCLES AND MY ORGANS. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE EXTRA PADDING AROUND MY FEELINGS. 

I AM A HUMAN. 

A HUMAN WHO HURTS. 

A HUMAN WHO IS A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A NEICE, AN AUNT, A PARTNER, A FRIEND, A TEACHER, A WRITER, AN ARTIST, AN ACTIVIST, A PACIFIST, A SOCIALIST, A LESBIAN, A BLOGGER, A DOG OWNER, A READER, A LEARNER, A FACEBOOK ADDICT, A THIRD GENERATION TORONTONIAN, A WIFE, A WOMAN, A FEMINIST, A QUEER. 

I AM HUMAN. 

AND I HAVE FEELINGS!!!! AND THOSE FEELINGS CAN BE STOMPED ON AND RIPPED OUT AND TORN INTO TINY PIECES AND FED TO HUNGRY TIGERS ON A PERFECTLY STRAWBERRY DAY. 

FAT PEOPLE ARE TREATED LIKE WE ARE BENEATH OTHERS, ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH THIN PRIVILEGE. ANGRY HATEFUL MEAN PEOPLE WHO HURL THE WORD FAT WITH THE INTENT TO HURT. 

THERE IS NO OTHER INTENT. 

YOU DONT THROW AN INSULT AT SOMEONE IF YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS. OR IF YOU ARE TRYING OUT THE WORD. 

NO. 

THERE IS A PURPOSE IN CALLING PEOPLE NAMES AND THAT PURPOSE IS TO BE HATEFUL AND MEAN. 

AND I SHOULD BE ABOVE ALL OF THAT. 

BUT I AM HUMAN. AND I AM NOT ABOVE IT AT ALL. 

i have been drawing a lot about exclusion. And I will write more about that over the next few weeks. But the idea of exclusion got me to thinking about my weight and all the times that my body has been judged leading to social exclusion. And sometimes I am the one judging my body and excluding myself from social occasions. 

I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion because I didn't want anyone to see how fat I had become. I was 150 lbs. and to me that meant I was a whale. 

I grew up bullied and excluded. 

So when something like this happens to me it brings up all sorts of old hurts that never seem to mend. They manage to scab but the scab keeps falling off and I bleed again before new skin has time to heal. 

TODAY A MAN TREATED ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING. LIKE I WAS A NOBODY. LIKE MY  (ACCIDENTAL) DISMISSAL OF HIM WAS CAUSE FOR A VERBAL ASSAULT. 

I was on an escalator in the mall by Mel Lastman Square. Apparently the man behind me had said hello to me. But I didn't hear him. What I DID hear was him ranting. "That fat fucking bitch can't even say hi to me. What's wrong with that fat bitch? I say hello and she can't even say hi back? Fat bitch, can't you say hi to me? What the fuck is wrong with you fat bitch?" 

............

............

............

I took a breather so that you could let that sink in. Perhaps read it again. Some of you are in shock. Some of you don't care. Some of you are angry. Or protective of me. And some of you are thinking yes this happens to me too. 

Because this isn't the first time. Or the tenth. And it won't be the last. 

FAT SEEMS TO BE THE WORST THING YOU CAN CALL SOMEONE. 

The man on the escalator was not alone. He was with a friend. So was I. 

His friend was telling him to keep his voice down. Everyone around us could hear him yelling at me and they were staring. Which only brought further attention to me, to my body, and to my shame. His friend didn't tell him to stop, only to lower his voice. His friend didn't tell me he was sorry. Or ask me if I was okay. His friend stood by and let this happen. The many onlookers did nothing. Said nothing. Because fat people are fat. We are lazy, greedy, gluttonous, lumps who sit on our asses all day eating fast food. The man was just telling it like it is. 

I can hear many of you thinking that I should not give him so much power. That I am taking the rankings of a mean or unwell man. Or a man who was having a bad day. That I am taking his outburst too seriously. That I am taking it to heart. That I shouldn't let it hurt me. That I shouldn't let it bother me. That I shouldn't let it affect me. 

But it wasn't the crazy rantings of one man. It is a build up of many strangers who think it is okay to call me names with the word "fat" thrown in for good measure. Because "fat" is the clincher. 

It was the onlookers who hurt me to my core. Who allowed it to continue. To allowed him to berate me. 

Could I have turned around and said something to him? Perhaps. Would he have said he was sorry? Perhaps. From past experience, I ca only imagine he would do what others have done which would be to increase the verbal assault to full on verbal warfare. Dropping names like machine gun fire pinging at me in rapid succession and sinking into my heart. 

I was stunned into silence. And scared into submission. 

I did nothing. 

Having so many people hearing him call me names. Specifically the repetition of "fat" made me feel naked and exposed. 

And I felt like I must be a fat bitch because nobody stood up for me. Nobody stepped in. I regressed back to my bullied 13 year old self who would cry in the bathroom after the boys sang my theme song, "Hippie the Hippo".  And even when I asked for help the teachers would laugh. Because taunting is funny. 

 My friend who was with me on the escalator heard nothing. She was oblivious to the event. And I was so shamed and dehumanized and stunned, that I couldn't even tell her what had happened. I just kept walking. And I finished our visit on autopilot. 

I am fat. 

I drove home from my friend's house and decided that I would never eat again. I would starve myself and lose 100 lbs by the end of the summer. 

But I decided that the only person getting hurt in that scenario would be me. And as badly as I wanted to punish myself for being fat, that hardly seemed like the best option. 

I am fat. 

As I was thinking through the starving myself plan, it occurred to me that there was another option. Go buy a bag of chips, donuts, and ice cream and go home and eat them. In fact, go home and eat everything. IN FACT, don't stop eating at all! I could eat and eat and eat and not do any exercising at all. And get to be over 600 lbs and not be able to leave my house, possibly even my bed. And then I would have a reason to stay home permanently and never have to be seen ever, ever again. 

As I drove to 7-11 hatching my scheme for gaining at least 500 lbs, it occurred to me that this too was only going to hurt me and not the  man who harmed me. And although self-punishment is what I do best, it didn't seem like the right option either. 

I am fat. 

I had a moment where I pondered how I could make myself disappear forever so that no one could ever look at me again. Which would mean no one could ever ridicule me over my body ever again. 

But I AM fat. That's the reality. 

PP REMINDED ME TONIGHT, "you are not fat, you have fat."

I was able to practice self-care. To draw what happened to me. To write about it. instead of starving. Instead of binging. 

And through my drawing, I developed compassion for the man who hurt me. What was his life like that he has to lash out and hurt others? What was done to him to cause him so much hurt and bitterness? 

DONT MISUNDERSTAND ME. I AM FURIOUS. HOW DARE HE DEMEAN, DEHUMANIZE, AND INSULT ME. 

and at the same time, to have that much meanness and hatefulness and spitefulness in you ... It had to come from somewhere. 

I am angry. I am hurt. The qualifier "fat" will always be attached to my description. To my identity. To my experience of the world - the way I navigate the world and the way I am treated. 

I found a way to manage my emotions by drawing and writing.  

Find your outlet. 

Be kind to yourself, and for crying out loud, BE KIND TO OTHERS!!!!

xoxo

...

a weighty topic revised

a weighty topic

i want to write about being fat. 

i want to write about how my weight has always been the business of my family, my doctors, and strangers. 

this is a photo of me at age 7. i thought that i was enormously and hideously fat. my food intake was commented on; monitored .... i believed that my stomach was huge. that my thighs were huge. i believed there was no way anyone could every love me. 

i was embarrassed about how fat i was ....

... look again at that photo. look how thin i was! look at my flat stomach. my small thighs.  and i was convinced, by the people around me, that i was fat and ugly and worthless and undeserving.i was convinced that i was fat and ginormous. 

and these feelings became a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

and now, 30 years later, my body continues to be everyone else's business. 

no matter what doctor i go to see. no matter what medical concern i have. the answer i am given is always to "lose weight" as if i haven't tried. 

i have been offered bribes by people who claim to love me, or who are supposed to love me, that if i lose weight they will buy me things. 

radical t said: " I don't think people get that no matter what we [women with PCOS] go to the doctor for, certain doctors will always bring up the weight. it is the last taboo..."

doctors believe the myths about fat people too. 

i want to write about the comments that strangers make. about men bumping into me and telling me "move it fat bitch" or just randomly making comments. yelling "fat ass" at me. i want to write about the time i went into a restaurant and heard some teenagers say "she better only order salad."

i want to write about how i can't eat junk food in front of other people. 

i want to write about the shame i feel when i shop with someone who can go into any store and try on clothes and i can't. i want to write about how embarrassing it is when someone says, "that would look good on you, go try it on!" and i know that it is 4 sizes too small and that it's the biggest size in the store. 

i want to write about trying to squeeze into booths in restaurants. i want to write about the discomfort on an airplane. 

but there are no words for these thoughts and feelings. and i can't write about them. they are self-loathing feelings. they are self-hating thoughts. they are words thrown at myself from all sides. thoughts: fat. ugly. lazy. stupid. being fat means you suck. being fat means you have no willpower. being fat means you sit and eat junk food all day. being fat means that you eat macdonalds every day. being fat means you are lazy. 

WIDELY HELD AND ACCEPTED BELIEFS ABOUT FAT PEOPLE:

• fat people have no willpower
• fat people are sad
• fat people have low self-esteem
• fat people are unhealthy and are going to die young
• fat people eat uncontrollably
• fat people don't know why they are fat
• if fat people really wanted to lose weight they could
• fat people are lonely
• fat people are ugly
• fat people can't find love

the truth is that being fat is an outward expression of my inside wounds. each pound, a story of pain. if i were to keep a food journal and publish it, thin readers would be shocked at what i eat. i LOOK like i eat fried food all day long followed by chips, chocolate, and doughnuts. 

but that isn't what a typical day of food looks like for me. 

i start with a cup of tea. my stomach gurgles and rumbles and wants food. but i punish myself for being fat and i refuse to eat. i like the feeling of control that i have by deciding what goes into me. eventually i give in and i will eat either yogurt and fruit, or toast with peanut butter. then the morning turns to noon and i start to think about the fact that i have to eat some sort of food for lunch. and i practice that messed up control of not eating as my stomach calls out for food. noon becomes 2pm and i start to feel a bit weak and dizzy so i give in and eat something. maybe soup, or salad, or more toast. sometimes i don't give in and i make more tea instead. dinner time comes along and i don't really feel hungry, but SC is hungry so i cook something. maybe chicken and vegetables. maybe some rice. (brown rice for me). at some point in the evening, my stomach begins to yell at me for not feeding it throughout the day. so i have a banana or i cut up and apple. 

once in awhile i will allow myself to have a couple of chocolate mini-eggs. i used to eat the entire bag at once. but since i have given myself permission to eat them, i only need to have 2 or 3 of them because i know i can go back for more another day if i want to. 


Zed read this post for me. i was curious about her thoughts. she said: 

you've hit the nail on the head with how you feel about food and fat. so many people feel the way you do, believe me - WE ALL DO! the self loathing and hatred is a very difficult thing to get over. when I'm out and about, doing errands, shopping whatever - i feel invisible. people can't see me. or they choose not too. most of the times i don't mind, as i have a hard time dealing with strangers as it is. but then i wonder - am i invisible? can people see right thru me? or do they choose not to look at me because looking at me makes them feel disgusted and they feel more worthy than me. am i really less of a person because i am MORE of a person? hard things to deal with. but i try. i make myself go out and be in the world because i matter, no matter what my size is. i dress a certain way because it makes me feel good and attractive and better about myself. and FUCK what everyone else thinks!! i refuse to hide from the world because i don't look like what 'they' or 'society' says i should look like! that's my thoughts on this very contentious issue!

being fat isn't a choice. and i have tried many times to not be fat. but i shouldn't have to. and i face enough hatred and judgment from myself. i don't need to experience it from strangers on the street. 

I leave you with this thought:

be kind to yourself, regardless of your size, regardless of how you see your size ...

xoxo

...

plus sized

the most annoying thing about being considered plus size is being called plus size. as if our size isn't normal, it's "plus." a size plus more sizes. 

then there's shopping. you can't just go into any store and buy things off the rack. you have to go to specialty stores that carry sizes bigger than 14. and so much of what they carry is super ugly. 

in some stores, they have a plus size section. like at walmart. do you know how embarrassing it is to have to go to the plus size section? why can't they just have clothes of all sizes in the same place? 

is there some REASON why the clothes need to be separate? 

AND they cost more. apparently they use more material and they have to adjust the pattern. which makes it cost more. 

even at walmart in the men's section where they have the clothes together, they will have a sign saying $7 for the shirts and then in smaller font, "+ $2 for 3x and up."

at old navy, men's clothing all costs the same no matter what size. but women's clothing costs more. according to the consumerist, plus size jeans cost at least $15 more than "regular" size jeans. 

http://consumerist.com/2014/11/12/old-navy-tries-to-explain-why-women-pay-extra-for-plus-size-clothes-but-men-dont/

https://www.change.org/p/gap-inc-stop-up-charging-for-women-s-plus-sized-clothing

and on top of that, the plus sized clothes are only available online. it sends a message that they want our money they just don't want us being in their stores. 

PP says she worries that there is so little variety in plus size clothing that she will end up wearing the same thing as other plus size wearers. 

now i know that as zed is reading this, she is disagreeing with me because she has an amazing wardrobe. so i will admit that there are some options out there. but what really bugs me is the fact that stores don't make clothes in all sizes. and that i have to shop at specialty stores or in the plus size sections. and that i have to pay more. 

i prefer to buy second hand. but have you ever looked at the choices in the plus sizes at thrift stores? take a look next time you are in one. they are so ugly. i rarely find anything wearable. 

why is it that regular clothing stores can't carry sizes bigger than 14? or 16? then we could all shop in any store. i would go to the mall and shop. they would make more money. 

instead, i avoid shopping as much as possible to avoid the embarrassment of going to the plus size stores or the plus size section. 

end of rant. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

body image

“In all the years I've been a therapist, I've yet to meet one girl who likes her body.”
― Mary Pipher

i am a woman who hates her body. i have spent years talking about body image, teaching young girls to love themselves, and yet, here i am, admitting to the world, that i hate hate hate my body. 

“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” 
― Amy Bloom

intellectually i get that i am more than my body. intellectually i can understand that it is my mind, my personality, my love, that makes me who i am. but emotionally, i am my body. this body that doesn't move the way i want it to. 

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” 
― Geneen Roth

i am constantly trying to reinvent myself. and banging my head against the wall of shame. i am constantly judging myself and my body. holding up the image of myself against the thin bodies around me. 

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” 
― Simone de Beauvoir

my lack of confidence in my body and in myself is overwhelming at times. i want to hide away inside my house and never be seen. being seen is my worst fear. and i have to be seen every day, which really sucks to be honest. 

“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.” 
― Naomi Wolf

this post is about my journey from self-hatred. 

i wish i knew where the journey was going to ...

“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.” 
― Cheri K. Erdman

our ideal image of beauty is false. i get that. i don't want to look like pages from a magazine. but i do want to look like the thin women i see walking down the street. and i know that they want to look like someone else as well. we all have parts of us that we wish we could change.

“Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful.” 
― Germaine Greer,

i have always wished to be beautiful AND smart. and if i had to choose, i think i would choose beautiful. which is sad. but it's the truth. 

“Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten your life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way -- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it.” 
― Geneen Roth

i spent years flattening my life - using food to numb my feelings. over the last year i have been learning to feel my feelings and i am happy to say that i no longer turn to food. i eat when i am hungry. i eat meals. i eat snacks. and i don't binge. 

unfortunately, it's taking my body a long time to catch up with my actions. i feel like i am stuck in this body that no longer represents my behaviours.

“Every weight loss program, no matter how positively it’s packaged, whispers to you that you’re not right. You’re not good enough. You’re unacceptable and you need to be fixed.” 
― Kim Brittingham

i have dieted for years. lost weight, and then gained it back. because dieting didn't address my problem. dieting told me that i wasn't good enough - told me that i needed to be a better version of myself and that if i deprived myself i would get thin. and i was never thin enough. but i was deprived. and then i would "cheat" on my diet and feel like crap. and i would figure, well i screwed that up, i might as well keep eating. 

and eating. and eating. and numbing myself to all my emotions. 

“Eating – overeating – saved me. It comforted me when I was at the mercy of grown-ups who didn't know how to give what I needed. Food was something to which I had ready access, and with it I cleverly fashioned a survival mechanism that pulled me back from the edge of insanity. – a young MacGuyver of angst and junk food.” 
― Kim Brittingham

i learned from a young age that food would soothe me in the ways that the adults around me couldn't. and now i have unlearned to use food to soothe. 

but there is so much more to unlearn.

this is my journey, and welcome to it ...

“I have a body, 
but I am not my body.
I have a face, 
but I am not my face.” 
― Iyanla Vanzant

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

dis-em-bodied

disembodied. 

dis em body

dis them body

dis my body

this body is not me. this body is not my body. i don't recognize this body that i am in. mounds of flesh that aren't mine. layers of protection from the outside world. protection that got too thick. protection that got carried away. 

this body is not my body. 

this body is not me.

i talk to this body,

beg it to change. beg it to cooperate. beg it to be different. 

i hide this body. i hide it under layers of clothing. baggy tops that hide my flesh. sweaters when it's hot, hiding this body that is not mine. this body that is not me. 

i hate this body that i carry around. it's an imposition. i am an impostor, walking around in a body that is not mine. 

i am thoughts and feelings and energy and words. i am writing and reading and guitar playing and piano notes and songs. i am teaching and learning. i am talking. i am thinking. i am not this body. this body is not me. this body is not mine. 

people see this body. this body is presented as me. i am read as this body. this body that is not me. this body that is not mine. these mounds of flesh that hide who i am. 

when a stranger on the street calls me fat, i can't say, "oh yeah, well DP says i'm beautiful." or "oh yeah, well nosy nora says i have an energy about me and you're stupid that you can't see it." all i can do is take in the abuse. and then abuse myself. call myself names. call myself fat, and ugly, and lazy, and stupid, and useless, and worthless, and undeserving. 

all because of this extra weight that is carried on this body that is not me, this body that is not mine. 

this body doesn't move how i tell it to. the body in my mind can dance and walk for hours. the body in mind can do yoga like i used to. the body in my mind can do all sorts of things that this body can't do. this body gets tired. this body gets sore. this body doesn't have the flexibility. this body refuses to cooperate. 

i HATE this body. i HATE being stuck in a body that isn't mine, that isn't me. i HATE this body and i want it to go away. i want to peel off the layers. until i find myself. until i find the body underneath that is me. the body that is mine. 

i feel trapped inside a body that isn't me.

disconnected. disembodied. 

this is my body. but it is not my body. my body is not me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fat rant

“Fat-bashing in all its varied forms–criticism, exclusion, shaming, fat talk, self-deprecation, jokes, gossip, bullying–is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice. From a very young age, before they can walk away or defend themselves, women are taught that they are how they look, not what they do or what they know. ”  - Robyn Silverman

fat phobia is the last allowable ism. you would be uncomfortable if someone was making racist jokes. you would think it was wrong if someone was making jokes about a disability. but for some reason it is completely acceptable to make fat jokes. 

today i overheard someone making fat jokes.

making jokes about weight isn't okay. 

at all. 

“If you've been fat, you will always feel and see the world as a fat person; you know how difficult it is ... it never leaves you.” - caitlin moran

we look at fatness as though it is due to laziness, self-indulgence, low self-esteem, insecurity, and gluttony. fatness is treated as an imposition to society. 

a joke. 

we don't look at the person. we judge. we see the fat, and we judge. 

i can't tell you how many doctors have told me to lose weight. as if it's easy. as if i have chosen to be fat. as if i could just wake up tomorrow and not be fat anymore. 

“Every weight loss program, no matter how positively it’s packaged, whispers to you that you’re not right. You’re not good enough. You’re unacceptable and you need to be fixed.”      - kim brittingham

the fact is, being fat sucks. i hate it. i hate it because i spend my life feeling judged. judged when i walk into a store that has clothes that don't fit me. judged when i order french fries instead of salad. judged when wear a bathing suit. judged. 

the truth is, i am probably judging myself. 

at the same time, there are so many instances of fat stigma ... 

Huffington Post has an article with segments of women sharing their stories. Here are a few excerpts that stuck out for me:

I was browsing the selections in my size, which mainly consisted of just plain black bras. When a sales associate approached me and asked if I needed help, I told her I was looking for something in a color other than black. After hearing my size, she said: "Well we don't really have much in that size because boobs aren't really supposed to be that big."

What I would say to those who point fingers and shout, "Fat!", including my late mother and grandmother, is, "Shut up. Stop putting your own body image issues onto others. We know if we weigh more than 120 lbs. We get it that you think we're fat. Fat is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. Your bullying isn't acceptable. We'll lose weight when and if we are ready."

Accustomed to skinny girls, everyone would make fun of my huge frame by saying that I "took too much space" or "might as well try joining sumo competition." What hurts me the most is the fact that the verbal bullying happened mostly during my family gatherings, and they didn't seem to care or be aware of the pain it brought to me. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom, crying myself to sleep and constantly avoiding the family gatherings.

 I applied for a clerical job fresh out of college at a local optometrist's office that had advertised an opening. I had a stellar interview, as far as the line of questioning went. As we were wrapping up, the optometrist's wife, who was conducting my interview, gazed past me and said "You know, we have VERY small hallways here."

j.k. rowling wrote: " 'fat' is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her. i mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous','shallow', 'vain', 'boring', or 'cruel'?"


it's time to break free from what society has decided is the right body type and size. it's time to smash our scales.

it's time to stop listening to the fat phobia, to the fat jokes, and to the hateful things that are thrown around as if they are funny. it's time to break the cycle of fat shaming. and it's time to stop making fat jokes. 

because they aren't funny. 

period. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

a weighty topic

i want to write about being fat. 

i want to write about how my weight has always been the business of my family, my doctors, and strangers. 

this is a photo of me at age 7. i thought that i was enormously and hideously fat. my food intake was commented on; monitored .... i believed that my stomach was huge. that my thighs were huge.

i was embarrassed about how fat i was ....

... look again at that photo. look how thin i was! and i was convinced, by the people around me, that i was fat and ugly and worthless and undeserving.

and these feelings became a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

and now, 30 years later, my body continues to be everyone else's business. 

no matter what doctor i go to see. no matter what medical concern i have. the answer i am given is always to "lose weight" as if i haven't tried. 

i have been offered bribes by people who claim to love me, or who are supposed to love me, that if i lose weight they will buy me things. 

radical t said: " I don't think people get that no matter what we [women with PCOS] go to the doctor for, certain doctors will always bring up the weight. it is the last taboo..."

doctors believe the myths about fat people too. 

i want to write about the comments that strangers make. about men bumping into me and telling me "move it fat bitch" or just randomly making comments. yelling "fat ass" at me. i want to write about the time i went into a restaurant and heard some teenagers say "she better only order salad."

i want to write about how i can't eat junk food in front of other people. 

i want to write about the shame i feel when i shop with someone who can go into any store and try on clothes and i can't. i want to write about how embarrassing it is when someone says, "that would look good on you, go try it on!" and i know that it is 4 sizes too small and that it's the biggest size in the store. 

i want to write about trying to squeeze into booths in restaurants. i want to write about the discomfort on an airplane. 

but there are no words for these thoughts and feelings. and i can't write about them. they are self-loathing feelings. they are self-hating thoughts. they are words thrown at myself from all sides. thoughts: fat. ugly. lazy. stupid. being fat means you suck. being fat means you have no willpower. being fat means you sit and eat junk food all day. being fat means that you eat macdonalds every day. being fat means you are lazy. 

WIDELY HELD AND ACCEPTED BELIEFS ABOUT FAT PEOPLE:

• fat people have no willpower
• fat people are sad
• fat people have low self-esteem
• fat people are unhealthy and are going to die young
• fat people eat uncontrollably
• fat people don't know why they are fat
• if fat people really wanted to lose weight they could
• fat people are lonely
• fat people are ugly
• fat people can't find love

the truth is that being fat is an outward expression of my inside wounds. each pound, a story of pain. if i were to keep a food journal and publish it, thin readers would be shocked at what i eat. i LOOK like i eat fried food all day long followed by chips, chocolate, and doughnuts. 

but that isn't what a typical day of food looks like for me. 

i start with a cup of tea. my stomach gurgles and rumbles and wants food. but i punish myself for being fat and i refuse to eat. i like the feeling of control that i have by deciding what goes into me. eventually i give in and i will eat either yogurt and fruit, or toast with peanut butter. then the morning turns to noon and i start to think about the fact that i have to eat some sort of food for lunch. and i practice that messed up control of not eating as my stomach calls out for food. noon becomes 2pm and i start to feel a bit weak and dizzy so i give in and eat something. maybe soup, or salad, or more toast. sometimes i don't give in and i make more tea instead. dinner time comes along and i don't really feel hungry, but SC is hungry so i cook something. maybe chicken and vegetables. maybe some rice. (brown rice for me). at some point in the evening, my stomach begins to yell at me for not feeding it throughout the day. so i have a banana or i cut up and apple. 

once in awhile i will allow myself to have a couple of chocolate mini-eggs. i used to eat the entire bag at once. but since i have given myself permission to eat them, i only need to have 2 or 3 of them because i know i can go back for more another day if i want to. 


Zed read this post for me. i was curious about her thoughts. she said: 

you've hit the nail on the head with how you feel about food and fat. so many people feel the way you do, believe me - WE ALL DO! the self loathing and hatred is a very difficult thing to get over. when I'm out and about, doing errands, shopping whatever - i feel invisible. people can't see me. or they choose not too. most of the times i don't mind, as i have a hard time dealing with strangers as it is. but then i wonder - am i invisible? can people see right thru me? or do they choose not to look at me because looking at me makes them feel disgusted and they feel more worthy than me. am i really less of a person because i am MORE of a person? hard things to deal with. but i try. i make myself go out and be in the world because i matter, no matter what my size is. i dress a certain way because it makes me feel good and attractive and better about myself. and FUCK what everyone else thinks!! i refuse to hide from the world because i don't look like what 'they' or 'society' says i should look like! that's my thoughts on this very contentious issue!

being fat isn't a choice. and i have tried many times to not be fat. but i shouldn't have to. and i face enough hatred and judgment from myself. i don't need to experience it from strangers on the street. 

I leave you with this thought:

be kind to yourself, regardless of your size, regardless of how you see your size ...

xoxo

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