hard week

i haven't blogged in awhile. i just haven't had anything to say. but this has been a hard couple of weeks and i wanted to write about it to help me process what has been going on. 

first of all, DP and i made a fundamental and monumental mistake and we are in the process of trying to fix it which is terrifying and anxiety causing. 

second, the coordinator of my special education program came into my classroom and basically told me that everything that i am doing is wrong. she was kind and gave me some new ideas. but she also put a great deal of pressure on me to improve the levels of my students (which is my job, i understand that) in a short period of time. she made me feel like i am a terrible teacher and that i have no idea what i am doing. she made me feel like shit to be blunt. and i am left feeling weepy and helpless. 

third, i have started a program called pcos diva jumpstart (www.pcosdiva.com) in which i have been instructed to make many changes to my diet and lifestyle. this all or nothing approach, going cold turkey and diving in to a lifestyle change has been really difficult and i feel like a failure. 

the eating part has been fairly easy. it's not the first time i have eaten this way, so i know what foods to eat and what foods to avoid. i had already cut out caffeine, so i am not having withdrawals. 

in terms of my diet, i am not eating:

• wheat
• gluten
• sugar
• caffeine
• dairy
• red meat

i am also taking a number of supplements. easy peasy. 

the challenge for me is the lifestyle change. i am supposed to get up early each morning and do some sort of exercise. i have yet to manage to get out of bed early enough to do anything except make a smoothie. some mornings i have had to drink the smoothie in the car on the way to work. i am not acting at all like a diva and am not taking care of myself. 

i feel like the world is crushing me. like there is a huge weight pushing me down. like i am walking through molasses, unable to lift my feet. 

i have been doing well with my depression. managing it with medication and therapy. the sadness and constant weepiness is back. but i think that i have legitimate things to feel weepy about. it's hard to tell the difference between a bad day and depression sometimes. and it's scary to think that i could go back to that dark place that i was in last year at this time; off work, cocooned on the couch, crying every day, not wanting to be alive. 

i want more than anything to be able to get out of bed in the mornings and practice healthy living. it isn't that i don't have the motivation - i WANT to do it. but something is keeping me in bed. something is keeping me from succeeding. i think it is my fear of failure. if i don't try, then i can't fail. 

so ... this has been a hard couple of weeks. and i feel like next week will be hard too. 

i feel scared, helpless, and stuck. 

i need encouragement. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

... 

eating mindfully

so ... many of you know that geneen roth is my guru. but you might not know why. i have been trying to follow her eating guidelines for almost a year now, but over the last month i have been following them more carefully and i have noticed a real difference. here guidelines are: 

• Eat when you are hungry.
• Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
• Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
• Eat what your body wants.
• Eat until you are satisfied.
• Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
• Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Eating-Guidelines-Women-Food-and-God

these are not easy things to do, as simple as they seem. but wow they make a difference in the way my body feels, and in my relationship to food. i have barely eaten any chocolate in a couple of months. and i LOVE chocolate. i was addicted to chocolate. i needed it every day. but when i slowed down, ate chocolate without distractions, and listened to what my body wanted, i discovered that i don't actually like the chocolate that i have been eating. so i don't crave it. and not craving it means not eating it. the same is true with chips. 

now, if i WANT chips, i eat them. but only if i feel hungry. and most of the time, after dinner i am not hungry. 

the other thing that i am doing is making sure that i am eating regularly throughout the day. eating what i want, trying to enjoy it, and stopping when i am satisfied (not full). 

these are things that might sound normal to some of you. but my relationship with food has never been healthy. which has made me unhealthy. 

by eating regularly, following geneen roth's guidelines, and allowing myself to enjoy eating, my relationship with food is changing. 

the fact is, diets don't work for me. for every diet there is an equal binge. by restricting, i end up desiring. craving. bingeing. 

diets work for me in the short term. i lose weight. but then i can't keep it off. because of my unhealthy relationship with food. so i yo yo. 

i am a textbook. 

at the beginning of july, i was the heaviest that i have ever been. which was 3 lbs heavier than i was the first time i did weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. i was miserable looking at the scale. i was miserable trying on clothes. 

over the last month, by eating regularly, eating whatever i want, listening to my body, and not restricting, i have actually lost 15 lbs. by NOT dieting. 

we shall see if this trend continues. but it is pretty amazing to me that eating makes me lose weight, and restricting makes me gain weight. it seems counter intuitive. 

i would love to lie and say that it doesn't matter whether or not i lose weight. but this body feels so full and heavy and it's hard to get up the energy to do physical activity. so i DO want to lose weight.  

i encourage you to try the eating guidelines and allow yourself to have a healthy relationship with food. and if you already have a healthy relationship with food, i feel happy for you and hope that i can one day feel as you do. in the meanwhile, i will struggle to learn not to hate eating, not to restrict my food, and not to hate food. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

what i learned from pokey sue

pokey sue is my acupuncturist. i hate acupuncture. i hate needles. but i love the feeling of being the centre of attention and care for an hour. and i love the balance i feel after treatment. 

i wanted to write about the lessons i have learned from pokey sue over the last 3 years ...

1. you wouldn't eat garbage, so why would you listen to people who speak garbage? why would you take in their words? learn to separate the garbage from the healthy words and take in only those words that are good for you. 

2. if you cut a quince and take out the seeds, and soak the seeds in water overnight, and then drink the goo that forms, it will coat your sore throat ... it also tastes like goo and makes you gag, but that's beside the point ... (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-quinces.html)

3. celery can be put in the blender, drained, and drunk, helping to lower your blood sugar. it also tastes like crap. which is surprising because i love celery. but i don't like it as a drink. as a drink it is very nasty. 

4. lemon trees are hard to grow. (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/pokey-sues-plant-predicament.html)

5. truth can set you free and break a million hearts at once. 

6. willpower comes from hope. and when you lose hope, you lose your willpower. 

7. focusing on the positives are important. 

8. everyday, wake up and tell yourself that you are worthy and deserving. 

9. there are people in this world who care so much about other people that they devote their career to caring for them - even if that means stabbing them with needles.

10. plants have similar reactions to lie detectors that humans do. plants have been shown to react to negative and positive stimuli. 

11. stick tea shrinks cysts.

12. love is the most important emotion. 

13. different parts of your body have different times that they are ... i dunno, active? 

14. people come in and out of your life at different times to teach you things. some people can really touch your life without them even knowing it. 

what lessons have you been taught?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

owning your feelings

it's easy for us to admit and own our kindness, our happiness, our helpfulness. but LES suggested i write about owning our anger, our frustration, and those emotions that we think of as "bad." to own your feelings means to admit that you have those feelings, to accept the feeling, to feel it, and to express it in a healthy way. 

“We think too much and feel too little.” 
― Charles Chaplin

i have written before about there being no such thing as good or bad emotions, there are just emotions. and they ebb and flow. and they are all okay. 

but how do we actually own those emotions that we try hard to pretend that we don't have: jealousy, rage, frustration, anger, disappointment ... 

... as a child, my family didn't talk about emotions. but if i expressed any of those "bad" emotions, i was taught to bury it and be a good girl. good girls don't get angry. good girls aren't jealous or disappointed. good girls smile and accept what life hands them. 

“Emotions come and go and can't be controlled so there's no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

in my life, i have faced experiences that have left me feeling lonely, and empty, and i didn't know how to handle those feelings because i was taught to suck it up and be good. 

“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.” 
― Khalil Gibran

good girls don't express their feelings, they hold them in. 

i have been thinking a lot about loss lately and my reactions to the losses i have faced in life. 

i shut down years ago and found ways to numb myself from the pain of loss. one of those ways was food, another was sedatives, and another was to shut down part of my heart to protect myself from further loss. 

had i been taught how to own my emotions and to express them in healthy ways, i think my life would have been very different. 

now, i blog. blogging is how i sort out my thoughts and my feelings. 

“Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.” 
― José N. Harris

so how do we own our emotions? what can we DO with those emotions that scare us?

yell
sing
run
walk
jump
scream
do yoga
breathe
mediate
talk
write
call a friend
listen to music
make music
draw
sculpt
cry
take a bath

find something to do that makes you feel good. allow yourself to feel the emotion. there is nothing wrong with feeling. there is nothing wrong with being jealous, angry, hurt, disappointed ... there is nothing wrong with feelings. 

how we act upon our feelings is a whole other story. i am not suggesting you take out your rage on someone else. that isn't healthy. neither is it healthy to take out your rage on yourself. and yet, it is okay to FEEL rage and to express yourself in healthy safe ways. through writing, for example. and then tearing up your writing. 

the truth is ... i am telling myself this as much as i am telling you. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...