Anxious Martha

Solitude. 

It doesn't have to be lonely. I am sitting on the porch at the cottage listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the shoreline and trying to convince myself that it is enjoyable to be alone. 

Sometimes being alone is great. Time to think. Time to recharge. Time to reflect, rejuvenate ... Other times it's just lonely. 

The truth is, I keep thinking about my anxiety. 

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."

Charles Spurgeon

I have named my anxiety Martha. 

Martha is a 75 year old plump old woman who likes to knit in her rocking chair. She likes to nag and harp on the same topic repeatedly. Her current obsession is money and the lack of it. She worries constantly about how to spend money and how to save it. But she's not helpful. She just nags. 

Martha is smart and knows how to scare me. She whispers all day long until she convinces me that the car is going to explode, or some such nonsense. And even though I KNOW it not to be true, I can't help but listen to her. 

Martha is bossy too. She tells me not to do things like go out to parties or try new things. 

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

Soren Kierkegaard

I am trying to think of ways to send Martha away when she gets persistent. I've tried talking to her. But seeing as she is my anxiety and not an actual person, sometimes that feels really dumb. But I keep telling her she isn't welcome. That she wasn't invited to the party, I was. She wasn't asked out to coffee, I was. 

"I think anxiety is dangerous, but it makes you think it's your friend."

Noah Baumbach

If you could name your anxiety, what would its name be? What would its personality be? And how would you tell it to leave you alone? 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

i have rediscovered how much i love walking. 

the solitude and time to think. the repetition of one foot in front of the other, carrying your body forward. my best ideas come while i am walking. 

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” ― Steven Wright

there was a time when i would get up early every morning and take the dog for a walk, and then take the dog for a second walk when i came home from work. 

and i loved it. 

and then, over time, i got lazier and lazier and less and less motivated and my walks shrank from an hour to half an hour, and then to twenty minutes, and then to fifteen minutes, and then to once a day. (poor dog)

“But the beauty is in the walking -- we are betrayed by destinations.” ― Gwyn Thomas

and recently i have rediscovered the joy of forward motion. i was complaining to radical t this evening that i hate walking if i don't have a destination. i hate walking for the sake of walking. and then, i put on my shoes, tied the dog's leash around my waist and went for a walk with no destination and it felt so good. it felt good to move my body. nosy nora says that moving your body moves your hormones around and makes you feel better ... and i think she's right. 

my walk was joyful. 

dr. mike evans suggests that walking 30 minutes a day can make a big difference in your health. what he actually suggests is that we spend only 23 1/2 hours a day sitting, and spend 30 minutes walking. you can see his video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo

“A lone walker is both present and detached, more than an audience but less than a participant. Walking assuages or legitimizes this alienation.” ― Rebecca Solnit

i also complained to radical t about walking by myself. walking alone can be intimidating sometimes as i walk by creepy, leering men, i become afraid. we live in a world where men think that it is okay to cat call women (and much worse), and that makes me uncomfortable. and at the same time, walking alone is also liberating. 

taking the time to think and feel and be with my thoughts. taking the time for myself. taking the time for ME. 

not to mention the happiness expressed by the dog who has missed our long walks. 


“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.” 
― Ellen DeGeneres

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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