Let there be love ( revised ) ...

this weekend as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs reminded me that i wrote about it and how... i was moved to become very introspective.

we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ... 

"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth

i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...

"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth

i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.

"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.

"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth

There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ... 

i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.

"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth

people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....

"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time.  i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard. 

"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth

this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.

and so i am trying to believe.

i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.

i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.

i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.

be kind to yourself

xoxo

Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ

...

sleep

i must confess ... i have been having an affair ... with sleeping. 

napping specifically. napping is the best. 

i never napped as a child. i was the kid who would get to stay up at naptime in daycare because i wouldn't fall asleep. i can remember being forced to lay down on the couch at my babysitter's and laying there day after day, waiting to be allowed to get back up again. 

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?” ― Ernest Hemingway

at night, i often wake up numerous times. over and over again i see the hours pass by on the clock. but during the day, i find the wonderful bliss of sleep. the bliss of a nap. 

there is nothing like the sunshine streaming in the window, the fan blowing gently, and curling up in my bed, closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep. 

but why am i sleeping so much lately? why do i find it hard to stay awake during the day?

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” ― Stephen Chbosky

sometimes i want to just slip into sleep and stay there. my bed is warm and cozy. and the outside world doesn't reach into my dreams. the night has always been hard for me to sleep. i can remember being 9 and tossing and turning. sleeping upside down. trying to sleep with my legs up on the wall. 

this discovery of napping is very new for me. for some reason, i find it easier to fall asleep during the day.  

“I've always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.” ― David Benioff

at night, i wake up and then lay there, wishing i could fall back to sleep. eventually i do fall asleep, only to wake up another hour or so later. 

in the daytime, waking up after an hour or two works well. 

yesterday SC and i fell asleep on the couch and it was suddenly 7pm. it was a great nap after a fun adventure in the morning.

“Sleep is my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion.” ― Audrey Niffenegger

sometimes i wonder if i am truly tired, or if i just want to enter that space where i can escape from the world. the one place where the outside world can't touch me. and other times i think that i am truly tired. maybe i have low iron. or maybe naps are my way of sorting out what is going on in my mind - by entering the dream world and letting my thoughts process. 

“It was that sort of sleep in which you wake every hour and think to yourself that you have not been sleeping at all; you can remember dreams that are like reflections, daytime thinking slightly warped.” ― Kim Stanley Robinson

my dreams have been vivid lately. vivid and full of crazy plot twists. dreams about people i know. dreams about places i have been. dreams about driving. dreams where i am trying to run but my feet will only move in slow motion. 

“I made a nap this afternoon. I made it out of two pillows, a bed, a sheet, a blanket, and exhaustion.” ― Jarod Kintz

this afternoon i didn't nap. only because i slept in until 1:30!!! it was the best sleep. lying in the sunshine in my cozy bed with my cozy blankets and cozy pillows. 

as i write this, i am watching the clock, knowing that it is getting late and that soon it will be time for bed. my favourite time of day. the time of day when i get to cuddle and feel loved, and then i get to drift off to sleep. 

mmmmmm ............ sleeeeeeep ......... zzzzzzzzzz ...

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake.” ― Frances Ann Lebowitz

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

“Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don't read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.

Don't power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap.”

― S.A.R.K.

...

dreams and shame

www.businessinsider.com

i have done quite a bit of research on dream interpretation over the years, and i have my own spin on the meaning of different images in dreams. but i have always been stuck on the meaning of the following recurring images: elevators, basements, closets, secret passageways, and bathrooms/toilets.

i often dream about elevators. and most of my dreams are about confusing elevators that take me to the wrong place. and i get lost. sometimes getting lost is okay, in my dreams, but sometimes it means i have gone somewhere terrifying. 

In general, the up and down action of the elevator represents the ups and downs of your life. It also symbolizes emotions and thoughts that are emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious. To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control. It may be a reflection of your life or your career. You are feeling stuck in some aspect of your life etc.  Citation 

i suppose that the emotions i have have been experiencing lately are certainly up and down. but i feel like the elevators i dream about are confusing and they take me to places that i don't want to go. like if i am trying to get to my hotel room on the 3rd floor, the elevator won't have a "3" button.  

these dreams connect to the secret passageway dreams. because often i have to go through tunnels or passage ways to try to find my way from where the elevator has taken me. the passageways and the elevators have an ominous feeling attached to them. they aren't pleasant dreams. 

the secret passageways in my dreams usually end up in the basement or i have to go through a tunnel in a closet.

To dream that you are in a cellar, represents a part of your subconscious mind where you have kept your fears and problems hidden. To dream that you are going down the cellar, signifies that you are digging deep into your own past and facing your fears. To see a closet in your dream symbolizes something in your life that you have kept hidden. citation

http://bestdoordesignideas.com/closet-doors/

there is a lot of negative emotion - fear, shame, sadness - attached to my struggle to get through the passageways, the elevators, the closet. 

so what do these dreams mean? why do i constantly dream about being lost, about riding in elevators, about climbing into closets and through secret passageways that lead to the basement? 

http://sambot.com/2005/03/breaking-and-entering.html

last night i had my elevator dream. only this time, the elevator had 3 toilets in it. no stalls, just toilets. and i remember thinking to myself, who would use a toilet in an elevator? 

i dream about toilets a lot too. i can't lie. usually it is a dream where i need to pee but i can't because the toilets are dirty, or clogged, or the door won't close, or i can't find the toilet because i have to go through a labyrinth of secret passageways to try to find the toilet. 

i used to think that these dreams were about needing to get something out of me that i was keeping inside: an emotion, a thought, something that i needed to tell someone. but nosy nora suggested that toilet dreams are about shame. and that is starting to make sense to me. i carry a lot of shame about a lot of things. i carry it as extra weight on my body. each extra pound is the external representation of my internalized shame. 

and as i reveal my shames, the dreams are shifting and changing. the toilets in my dreams are clean and available. and out in the open for use. 

my hope and goal is that as my shames are spoken out loud, i will start to feel lighter inside, and as a result, perhaps i will start to be lighter on the outside.

AG read this post for me because i was trying to decide whether or not to publish it. regarding shame she said, "you're bringing it to the surface. shame can't survive in the light. it thrives in darkness and hiding." i would like to know what i did to deserve such kind, thoughtful, wise, and caring friends???

i want to talk a bit about Brené Brown and shame resilience. if you haven't watched her TED talk on vulnerability, i highly recommend it. and i thank KM for sending it my way originally and introducing me to Brown's ideas. Here is a link to the video: 

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Brené Brown suggests 4 aspects of shame resilience: 

Recognizing and accepting personal vulnerability: All of us are vulnerable to experiences of shame, our shame triggers. When we recognize the emotional and physical signs of shame, we have the chance to understand what’s happening and why, and to seek help. Conversely, when we fail to acknowledge shame, we are taken off-guard, we are flooded with overwhelming emotions, and we fail to recognize what we are feeling. 

Raising critical awareness regarding social/cultural expectations: Critical awareness surrounding shame is the ability to link how we are personally feeling with society’s sometimes conflicting and shaming expectations of us as individuals. We see the big picture (we contextualize). 

Forming mutually empathetic relationships that facilitate reaching out to others: When we reach out for support, we may receive empathy, which is incompatible with shame and judgment. We recognize that our most isolating experiences are also the most universal. We recognize that we are not defective or alone in our experiences (we normalize). 

“Speaking shame,” possessing the language and emotional competence to discuss and deconstruct shame: By learning the language of shame, we learn to draw distinctions between shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation. We can “name shame” by separating it from secondary emotions such as anger, fear, and isolation. We learn to ask for what we need. We learn and share what we know with others (we demystify).

Citation 

shame resilience involves; accepting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, contextualizing our shame within our cultural/societal expectations, finding people who show you empathy which cancels out shame, and recognizing when we are experiencing shame. 

AG said that my shame is a gremlin who lives in the dark, thriving and growing. through being vulnerable by speaking my shame and understanding where it fits in my family culture and societal expectations; by speaking my shame to people who show me empathy; by speaking my shame and discovering that others experience the same vulnerability; i can recognize when i am experiencing shame and i can bring those gremlins out into the light to shrink them in the sun.

so my dreams ... are they about my shame? are my dreams of being lost in a labyrinth, of trying to find a bathroom but it being so dirty and unusable, of climbing into closets, through secret passageways and ending up in basements ... are these dreams of shame? shame that i need to bring to the surface?

last night i told KM that i feel lately, as i uncover my shame, that i have opened pandora's box. and i think i have only begun to unpack the box. i think i have only let loose the top layer. i don't even know what is at the bottom of the box. 

but as i sift through this box (of memories, of shame, of past experiences) i am ever grateful for the empathy and compassion that i am seeing reflected in the eyes of SC, of my friends, of nosy nora, of pokey sue ... (this week i told pokey sue that i come to her clinic for love and compassion and then i end up getting stabbed ... to which she replied, "it's not stabbing, it's poking.")

for more reading about shame and shame resilience, see  Brené Brown  


xoxo
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