Beads

nosy nora suggested creating a ritual to acknowledge the weight that i have lost (33 lbs). i thought and thought and thought and couldn't think of anything. 

i wanted to include all the changes that i have made, not just weight loss. so i talked about it with radical t. she suggested that at sick kids hospital, the kids get beads for things like each time they have chemo. and that i could create a string of beads for my accomplishments and for things that i have overcome. 

so i went out and bought some beads and string and brought them with me when i went to see nosy nora. together we went through the list of changes, accomplishments, and things that i have overcome. and we created the string of beads in the photo above. 

here are some of the meanings behind the beads:

1-6. a bead for losing 33 lbs (one bead for each 5 lbs)

7. a bead for learning how not to binge

8. a bead for no longer purging

9. a bead for facing my addiction to nortriptyline

10. a bead for no longer abusing sedatives

11. a bead for writing a letter to some people who hurt me when i was younger, and talking it out with one of them

12. a bead for eating what i want

13. a bead for eating in front of other people

14. a bead for not sleeping my life away (not napping every day or going to bed at 8pm)

15. a bead for blogging about my experience

i decided that i want to have the beads with me all the time, so i turned them into a bracelet. when i have more beads to add, i can always restring the beads. 

it's amazing to see visually how much i have accomplished/overcome in the last few years. much of which was in the last year alone. there's a sense of pride, of gratification, and of satisfaction in seeing visually how i have changed. (thank you for your part in that nosy nora)

what will you do to recognize your accomplishments? how will you toot your own horn? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

baby steps

change is hard. 

and it doesn't happen all at once. 

i often make the mistake of trying to make a bunch of changes all at once which is setting myself up for failure ... which is inevitable ... 

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

i need to change my thinking about changing. i need to stop trying to make all these giant shifts all at once. small steps each day is the only way to make effective changes. 

for example, tonight i added broccoli to dinner. that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is. broccoli and carrots. tomorrow i plan to drink a glass of water. just one. i never drink water. mostly because i have to pee all the time and i know that drinking water will make it a hundred times worse. but tomorrow my baby step will be to drink a glass of water. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

i could sit around and wait for my life to change. i could get up tomorrow and eat only healthy foods, drink lots of water, work-out for an hour and a half ... i could do all that ... but i wont do it again the next day. changing yourself means being realistic and making small steps. 

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

my current state is not nurturing. i am not happy with my life the way it is right now. there are things that i need to make different. and i need to acknowledge that it is hard. 

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

we only have one life, and we only have one self. altering our lives means altering ourselves. we need to adapt ourselves to be our best selves. and this means taking baby steps towards greatness. this means pushing through, and pushing past what we think we cannot achieve. 

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” ― Madonna

who knew i would offer advice from madonna. but it's good advice. becoming a better version of yourself is possible. it is not out of reach. but not by making giant changes all at once. 

“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.” ― Anne Frank

now anne frank, that's more my style of offering wisdom. 

each night when i lay in bed, i make it a point to go over my day and consider the good and the bad. i then follow zed's example and i think about the people in my life and my wishes for them. and in the morning, i endeavor to do better.  

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ― Carl R. Rogers

geneen roth said, you are not a problem to be solved. that is a very difficult thing to hear and believe. but making changes doesn't mean that you are broken or worthless. it simply means that you want more for yourself. that you deserve better than the life that you are living. that you deserve more. that you deserve to experience enoughness. 
(see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/enoughness.html) 

“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

remaking ourselves IS possible. it isn't easy. but nothing worthwhile is easy. altering habits isn't easy, but it can be done one day at a time. it's the belief in ourselves that needs to change.

believe in yourself and your ability to be great. believe in your ability that you are enough. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

sunshine

it has been days and days since we have had a day like to day with sunshine. it was hard to remember what it felt like to have the rays beating down on me instead of rain beating down on my umbrella. 

“Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.” ― Helen Keller

it's hard to keep your mood up when you are trudging through day after day of cold grey rain. so on a day like today, i throw open the windows and let in the fresh air. 

“The sun,--the bright sun, that brings back, not light alone, but new life, and hope, and freshness to man--burst upon the crowded city in clear and radiant glory. Through costly-coloured glass and paper-mended window, through cathedral dome and rotten crevice, it shed its equal ray.” ― Charles Dickens

the sun is a ball of burning gas ... but it's the most important thing in our atmosphere. for so long it was thought that the sun revolved around us ... and it is humbling to remember that we revolve around the sun with 8 other planets (i still count pluto thbbb scientists). it makes me feel tiny to think about the 7 billion people on our planet, tiny as ants in comparison to the sun. does being tiny make us inconsequential? 

“Here sat Marilla Cuthbert, when she sat at all, slightly distrustful of sunshine, which seemed to her too dancing and irresponsible a thing for a world which was meant to be taken seriously…” ― L.M. Montgomery 

a world which was meant to be taken seriously ... life is too short to be taken seriously. i want to be as dancing and irresponsible enough to shock marilla cuthbert. i want to dance in the sunshine, dance like the sunshine, and soak in it's life-giving rays. without the sun, there would be no life on this planet. 

“Worry does not keep it from raining tomorrow, but it does keep it from being sunny today.” ― Shannon L. Alder

it is hard to remember that the sun is always there, even when it is cold and rainy and cloudy and gross and depressing outside. it's hard to remember that there is always a burning ball of gas keeping us alive. on a planet that we are destroying, but i can save that for another post. 

“Hope is the sunshine and sprinklers of your life. It's what makes you grow and thrive.” ― Justin Buzzard

how can we find ways to keep the warm feelings of sunshine when we can't see it. how can we trust that it is there when we can't see it or feel it? how can we believe in the sun when it goes away for so long?

“Laughter is a sunbeam of the soul.” ― Thomas Mann

we can fill our days with the light that comes from laughter, from poetry, from hugs, from art, from music, from beauty, from a hot cuppa tea, from a good chat with a friend, with a good piece of chocolate ...

find your sunshine ...

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

gathering my chicks revisited

in january, i wrote about how radical t called me a mother hen gathering her chicks and i said that i would write about it again when i had more time to digest the analogy. 

to read the original, click here.

i am gathering to me now, people who are understanding and compassionate. i am gathering people who believe me, and who believe in me. 

theheritagefarm.me

what surprises me most is how many chicks there really are in my world. the more people i speak my truth to, the more people i find who are supportive, and compassionate, and kind. the kindness scares me sometimes, because i am not used to it. 

we use chickens in our communication:

“Now, brooder is an interesting word. People who worry a lot in silence are known as brooders. But then again so is a hen sitting on her eggs. The more I get to know chickens, the more I realize half our language comes from chickens. Well, not half. But an awful lot considering this isn't Latin or anything. Cooped up. Egghead. Hatch a plan. Henpecked. Pecker. Cock. Chickenshit. Chicken-scratch. A lot of chicken words are meant to deliver attitude, which isn't surprising to me now that I have chickens. Chickens aren't background animals like fish or sheep or horses. Chickens are in-your-face animals. Chickens if you have them, come to bracket your days. The rooster hollers all morning, and then in the evening the hens have left you their mysterious gift of eggs. 
Silkies are said to be excellent brooders, to have a tendency toward "broodiness." This, too, is usually meant as a compliment.” ― Jeanne Marie Laskas, Growing Girls: The Mother of All Adventures

i am a brooder. i have sat and worried in silence for years. but now i think that i am a hen on her eggs, brooding to create something new. no longer cooped up, i am telling my story to more and more people. trusting. gathering my chicks and creating my own brood of supportive people.

my little chickens, i gather you close and you do more for me than you know. 


be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...