tired

i haven't been writing as much lately. 

because i am tired. 

incredibly drainingly tired.

i go to bed at 10, sleep until 1, take a nap in the afternoon, and am ready for bed at 10 again. and i am without energy all day long. 

i yawn and drag myself around and my eye lids are droopy. 

i have begun to worry that there is something wrong. 

it isn't normal to be so tired and to want to sleep so much. 

today i did yoga, and went for a 30 minute walk. and it nearly killed me. then i went out for dinner with friends and had trouble staying awake at the table! 

i feel like i am dragging myself through my days. and missing out on life. 

have any of you ever experienced this constant unexplained fatigue? and what have you done to counteract it? i don't want to be this tired. and i don't want to sleep this much. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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sleep

i must confess ... i have been having an affair ... with sleeping. 

napping specifically. napping is the best. 

i never napped as a child. i was the kid who would get to stay up at naptime in daycare because i wouldn't fall asleep. i can remember being forced to lay down on the couch at my babysitter's and laying there day after day, waiting to be allowed to get back up again. 

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?” ― Ernest Hemingway

at night, i often wake up numerous times. over and over again i see the hours pass by on the clock. but during the day, i find the wonderful bliss of sleep. the bliss of a nap. 

there is nothing like the sunshine streaming in the window, the fan blowing gently, and curling up in my bed, closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep. 

but why am i sleeping so much lately? why do i find it hard to stay awake during the day?

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” ― Stephen Chbosky

sometimes i want to just slip into sleep and stay there. my bed is warm and cozy. and the outside world doesn't reach into my dreams. the night has always been hard for me to sleep. i can remember being 9 and tossing and turning. sleeping upside down. trying to sleep with my legs up on the wall. 

this discovery of napping is very new for me. for some reason, i find it easier to fall asleep during the day.  

“I've always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.” ― David Benioff

at night, i wake up and then lay there, wishing i could fall back to sleep. eventually i do fall asleep, only to wake up another hour or so later. 

in the daytime, waking up after an hour or two works well. 

yesterday SC and i fell asleep on the couch and it was suddenly 7pm. it was a great nap after a fun adventure in the morning.

“Sleep is my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion.” ― Audrey Niffenegger

sometimes i wonder if i am truly tired, or if i just want to enter that space where i can escape from the world. the one place where the outside world can't touch me. and other times i think that i am truly tired. maybe i have low iron. or maybe naps are my way of sorting out what is going on in my mind - by entering the dream world and letting my thoughts process. 

“It was that sort of sleep in which you wake every hour and think to yourself that you have not been sleeping at all; you can remember dreams that are like reflections, daytime thinking slightly warped.” ― Kim Stanley Robinson

my dreams have been vivid lately. vivid and full of crazy plot twists. dreams about people i know. dreams about places i have been. dreams about driving. dreams where i am trying to run but my feet will only move in slow motion. 

“I made a nap this afternoon. I made it out of two pillows, a bed, a sheet, a blanket, and exhaustion.” ― Jarod Kintz

this afternoon i didn't nap. only because i slept in until 1:30!!! it was the best sleep. lying in the sunshine in my cozy bed with my cozy blankets and cozy pillows. 

as i write this, i am watching the clock, knowing that it is getting late and that soon it will be time for bed. my favourite time of day. the time of day when i get to cuddle and feel loved, and then i get to drift off to sleep. 

mmmmmm ............ sleeeeeeep ......... zzzzzzzzzz ...

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake.” ― Frances Ann Lebowitz

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

“Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don't read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.

Don't power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap.”

― S.A.R.K.

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sobriety and numbness aka CRBDAC

I want to write about the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. But writing about it might be scarier than actually experiencing it.

I suffer from what nosy nora aptly named, “continued repetition of a behaviour despite adverse consequences” or CRBDAC. And for the last month, I have been sticking with the title of CRBDAC.

Because the word “addiction” is extremely overwhelming.

Terrifying actually.

Then I read Brene Brown’s definition of addiction. And it became less of a scary word. She wrote:

1.  Most of us engage in behaviours (consciously or not) that help us to numb and take the edge off vulnerability, pain, and discomfort.

1. Addiction can be described as chronically and compulsively numbing and taking the edge off of feelings.

1. We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.

 “These most powerful emotions that we experience have very sharp points, like the tip of a thorn. […] I believe that everyone numbs and takes the edge off and that addiction is about engaging in these behaviours compulsively and chronically.”

YES YES YES!!!

That is exactly it. 

Emotions … feelings … they have sharp points and I didn’t like those sharp points. So I started to numb myself against that pain. It was easier to take sleeping pills, to take whatever I could get my hands on, than it was to feel those sharp thorns.

The unfortunate thing is that when you numb yourself against the negative emotions, there isn’t room to feel the positive emotions. Instead, you start feeling nothing. And when you release yourself from the numbing prison, you are overwhelmed by the negative emotions that you kept at bay for so long. And when you are overcome by grief, and anger, and sadness, and fear, and loneliness, and hopelessness … it’s hard to make room for joy, and gladness, and happiness, and gratitude.

I want to share my story. Because it isn’t the stories we see on tv. When I think of an addict, I think of a fall-down-drunk, or a junkie willing to do anything for her next fix. I am not so much addicted to the state that I am in when I take pills, I am addicted to the state that I am NOT in. I am addicted to being numb and not having to feel or think about my issues.

The word “sober” implies that I was in a state of intoxication and that I no longer am. But in reality, I was in a state of numbness. I was in a state of refusing to be vulnerable and refusing to feel. So my sobriety means that I am now allowing in the emotions, good and bad, no matter how difficult they are to feel. And more importantly, I am learning to voice these emotions.

Brene Brown’s statement that addiction is “chronically and compulsively numbing and taking the edge off of feelings” is exactly what I have been doing. For the last 30 years.

This is my story …

When I was 7, I started to learn about the horrors of humanity. On purpose. I wasn’t protected from the realities of the world that we live in. children deserve to be innocent. Children have the right to be protected. And I wasn’t. I learned about the holocaust, and slavery, and apartheid, and human rights violations around the world. And I became afraid. I don’t mean afraid as in scared of the dark. I mean afraid as in lying awake in bed all night crying because Nelson Mandela was in prison. Afraid as in crying because we watched the series Roots in its entirety. Afraid that a bad guy was going to climb in my bedroom window. Afraid of being beaten, and raped, or having my feet cut off.

Afraid.

All the time.

Of everything.

But we were also taught that we were mature enough to learn about these atrocities. So I believed that I had to pretend to be the mature child that I was told that I was. Which means that I didn’t tell anyone about my fears. I simply sucked it up, carried on, and cried all alone at night in my bed. Or I hid in the front closet to cry. It was my safe space.

As a little kid who couldn’t sleep, I didn’t have a great deal of resources. I discovered that when I was given children’s chewable Tylenol, it made me sleepy. So I used to sneak it out of the medicine cabinet. And on those nights that I didn’t take it, I lay awake crying.

That went on for some years.

And then in middle school, I was severely bullied. (see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/01/sticks-and-stones-and-names-all-hurt.html)  and I discovered one time when I had the flu, that gravol made me sleepy. So I started to pretend to be sick so that my parents would buy gravol. And they never noticed that it was disappearing. They never really noticed anything.

Gravol became my drug of choice. It wasn’t daily. It was once in awhile, when things were really bad. When the boys had thrown condoms at me in the cafeteria. When the kids were chanting “hippo” at me during soccer in gym class and the teacher didn’t stop them. Those were the nights that I turned to pills for the numbing relief of sleep.

During the day, I hid in the bathroom between classes and at recess. I would be sick to my stomach, worrying about what terrible thing the children were going to do to me next. So I would throw up. Soon it became more of a habit than actual nausea.

I wandered the streets by myself at lunch time. And I spent the evenings alone at home, hiding in my room, wishing that I could just die instead of feeling worthless and ugly and unlovable. And at night, I stole pills from the medicine cabinet to help me sleep.

then came high school and the pressure to be a certain “look” to fit in. looking back at photos, I wasn’t the fat kid that I thought I was. Or that people told me I was. I was called fat from an early age. I was told to watch what I ate. My food intake was monitored and controlled. And I believed that I was enormous. Photos prove otherwise. I have recently discovered that I was an average sized child. In fact, I looked the same size as my friends. But in my mind, they were thin and I was gigantic. I can remember having to have my waist measured in jazz class for a costume and being horrified at the numbers being called out. And on our grade 8 skiing trip we had to announce our weights to the teacher who was filling in a form for the ski rentals. Seriously? We had to announce our weight in front of the entire class. I was 5 ‘4 and weighed 105 lbs. but there was no way in hell I was going to say that. The other girls said they were 90 lbs, so I said that too.

in high school, I did tell my parents that I found it hard to sleep. So they gave me warm milk and other natural suggestions. I continued with the gravol, except that now I had my own access to money and could go buy it myself. I actually went to the guidance counselor at school about the difficulty that I had sleeping. She told me to create a bedtime routine.

It didn’t help. By that time, my body had become reliant on the sleeping pills. So if I took them, I would be a bit sleepy. And if I didn’t take them, sleep was hard to come by.

It was in university that I discovered the joys of Nyquil. My friend died in my third year, and I lay awake crying most nights. I got strep throat and started taking Nyquil … ahhh …. Who knew!? First there was a numbing sensation, then my stomach got kind of lurchy, but in a fun way, and then I would sleep. No more crying over her death. No more lying awake. Just oblivion.

Over the last 15 years or so, I have tried many different sleeping pills. I have taken advantage of situations where I am prescribed pain meds and taken them far past the time when I had actual pain. Like when I got my wisdom teeth out and I was prescribed Tylenol 3. By the second day, I wasn’t in pain anymore. But I kept taking those pills. They numbed me from the emotional pain that I tried so hard to keep at bay. The same thing happened when I hurt my back a few years ago. The doctor prescribed me Percocet. And they did nothing for the pain. I have a very low tolerance to pain and a very high tolerance to pain medication. They did, however, make me not have to think about things or feel the negative emotions. They did protect me from feeling the sadness, and loneliness and hurt that has haunted me for so long. And I enjoyed them. I am not going to lie about that.

It all came to a crisis when I was prescribed a drug for chronic pain that my doctor felt would help me to sleep. She is convinced that I have fibromyalgia. She is convinced that my aches and pains and my lack of ability to sleep are caused by this neuro-disorder.

So she prescribed me 10mg a day. And I took them. And I no longer woke up with a headache every day! But the pains in my legs and back continued to bother me. Constant stabbing and pinching makes it difficult to do daily activities and to concentrate. So the doctor decided that increasing this medication would help me sleep.

So I started taking 30mg. and oh joy, oh bliss, oh rapture … sleep finally came … and for a few months, I was living my ultimate dream … sleeping and feeling numb to the emotional pain. These pills made it all go away.

And I started to think to myself … if 30mg makes me feel this good … just imagine what 60mg would do!? So I increased the medication myself. Without consulting my doctor. The 60mg messed with my brain chemistry. And all logic left me. Completely. Like, completely left me. No logic left at all. 60mg became 100mg, and 100mg became 150mg until I started to be convinced that the ultimate solution to everything in my life (and possibly in the world) was to take 200 pills at once … 2000mg. I became obsessed with this idea. It consumed me. I thought about it all the time. I stood in the kitchen with the bottle in my hand … the giant bottle of yellow pills … and I contemplated the ultimate 2000mg solution …

… as you can probably guess, I am a very analytical person. I think through things and I write through things and I can often step back from what is going on in my head and analyze it. And I knew perfectly well that taking 200 pills, no matter how yellow or glorious they were, was really, really dumb. And also really, really, fatal. So I talked to my therapist, Nosy Nora, about it and agreed to see my doctor.

To say that wasn’t easy would be an understatement. I was expecting harsh judgment and criticism. I was worried about the next time I have surgery or an accident or an injury … will I be believed? Will I be given the pain management medication that I might need?

My doctor was incredible. An absolute gem. Supportive and understanding.

And that evening, I took those glorious yellow pills back to the pharmacy and relinquished them. And I threw out any pills at home that cause drowsiness or that I couldn’t trust myself not to abuse.

And from that day, I have been “sober” in relation to self-medicating with drugs.

I continue to struggle with bulimia. And I continue to struggle with using food to numb myself.

But I am facing my struggles one step at a time, one day at a time. 

It isn’t easy. Having all these feelings that I have numbed myself from … well, quite franky, it sucks and I hate it. I would love to take some pills and hide away from the world for a bit. Forget that there are things that make me sad, or angry, or hurt, or upset, or jealous, or guilty. But I am enjoying being able to think clearly. I am enjoying waking up in the morning and feeling truly awake. And alive. Even when being alive is hard.

I am here. This is my story. And I am owning it. 

how to sleep better ... tips from an insomniac

sleep. 

we all need it. 

we all want more of it. 

i worked as a nanny for many years. and in that time, the bedtime routine was very important. if the children had a good sleep at night, we would have a good day. 

think about how children are put to bed, read a story, and tucked in ... that's how we need to treat ourselves. 

i can fall asleep, but i wake up. then lay in bed worrying about things until i fall back to sleep and then wake up and worry some more, then fall back to sleep, then wake up AGAIN. this happens between 3-6 times a night, every night. 

because i have been an insomniac all my life, i have done a great deal of research on good sleep habits. i am an expert on HOW to have a good night's sleep. i'm just not an expert on sleeping. 

here are my 10 sleep tips:

1. stick to a regular sleeping schedule. that means no long sleep-ins on sunday mornings. yuck, i know. but getting up at the same time every day helps train your body to know when to wake up. that helps you sleep at night. it's better to have a nap later in the day than it is to sleep in. however, try to limit your naps as they make night sleep more challenging. try for an early afternoon nap of 30 minutes. 

2. light plays an important role in how you sleep because it affects your melatonin. in the daytime, it is important to get sunlight, even if you are inside. and at night, you need to reduce artificial light. crazy, i know! this means not spending long periods of time on your laptop, tablet, or phone. this means when you read in bed, it's better to read an actual book ... with paper pages ... i know, crazy, right?

3. routine, routine, routine. having a bedtime routine is essential for people who have trouble sleeping. a bath, reading a book, doing some stretches, listening to music ... things that are familiar and routine help you to unwind. think about children again ... you give them a bath, give them warm milk, read them a story, give them a kiss, and tuck them in, and wish them a good night sleep with dreams that are sweet ... then we grow up and we are expected to just get into bed and go to sleep. you need to treat yourself the way you would treat a child. have a routine that involves you being kind and gentle to yourself, the way you would want a child to go to sleep and have sweet dreams. 

4. caffeine and other stimulants. i don't need to tell you. they won't help you sleep. 'nuff said. 

5. still your mind. i know what you're thinking ... us anxious people having a quiet mind?!?!? but it's possible. deep breathing helps, thinking about FACTS (click here for previous post on FACTS) , progressive muscle relaxation (tense your body and relax each muscle one at a time), or visualization ... 

i like to visualize a favourite place from my childhood. in my mind, i walk myself through each room noting details like the posters on the walls, the colours of the bedspreads.

another trick i use is counting backwards from 500, by 3s, 4s, 6s, or 7s. 

and my personal favourite trick is listing green things. i close my eyes and picture the grocery aisle. i start to list everything green in the produce section. then i list the rest of the green things in the store. then green things in the world. then green things that i have owned. IF i run out of green things, i start back at the produce section and choose a different colour. i don't usually make it out of the grocery store though. 

6.  your sleep space needs to be comfortable. a colder sleeping space is better because your body temperature needs to lower for you to be able to fall asleep. i asked  Zed  about sleeping and she said, "i like my bedroom really cool, almost cold. i don't like a lot of blankets or covers; i feel smothered."   i am the opposite about the blankets. i need to feel the weight of a big thick blanket on top of me, but i might have a foot sticking out to keep me cool. 

7. physical activity. blah blah blah. but its true. getting enough exercise in the daytime helps you sleep better at night. 

8. the mayo clinic suggests managing stress. well duh, if we could manage our stress we wouldn't be reading a blog about better sleeping habits! however, here is what they had to say about how to manage stress to promote better sleep. 

When you have too much to do — and too much to think about — your sleep is likely to suffer. To help restore peace to your life, consider healthy ways to manage stress. Start with the basics, such as getting organized, setting priorities and delegating tasks. Give yourself permission to take a break when you need one. Share a good laugh with an old friend. Before bed, jot down what's on your mind and then set it aside for tomorrow.  citation

9. food and drink to promote sleep:

during the day:

• walnuts
• cheese and crackers
• kale
• chickpeas
• foods that contain magnesium (seeds, almonds, cashews, legumes, and dark leafy green vegetables)

before bed:

• valerian root
• melatonin tablets
• whole grains as a bedtime snack (cereal, toast, crackers) 
• chamomile 
• hops
• passionflower 
• warm milk

10. aromatherapy - lavender is the scent that many people to promote sleep. you could use essential oil, or a candle, or spray, or an aromatic pillow. whatever works for you. 

so there are ten tips from an insomniac on how to have a better sleep. 

what are YOUR tips for a good night's sleep? please leave your comments below. 

xoxo

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