unexpected loss

nosy nora says that everyone dies, just not all at once. 

i hummed and hawed over whether or not to write this post, and more importantly, whether or not to publish it. i deal with life by writing about it. and i hope that one person will read this post, connect with it, and in some way feel better. 

while it is true that everyone will some day die, the unexpected death is the hardest. 

it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you and you are falling endlessly. and you think that the floor has to be there somewhere. and you think that you have landed and then it falls out from under you again. 

my family experienced a loss this weekend. and my heart aches for B who lost a sister. 

it makes me think about all the potential losses. the inevitable losses. it makes me think about the mortality of everyone i love. 

so how do you deal with an unexpected loss? where do you turn? what do you do first? 

an unexpected loss is often accompanied by intense grief. because there was no preparation for the loss. there was nothing leading up to it. 

the first step is to keep up your regular routine. having structure maintains a sense of control. 

try to get enough sleep. 

ease your stress by moving your body. 

don't forget to eat. 

find something comforting - something that feels good. something as simple as a cup of tea by the fireplace, a hot bath, a walk in the park, or a cuddle. 

take things one day at a time. 

one hour at a time. minute by minute. 

and ask for help. you don't have to do everything on your own.  

acknowledge your grief. 

it is real. 

acknowledge your feelings of helplessness, your questions of why, your questions of faith. your feelings are real. they are acceptable. your anger, your hurt, your laughter, your memories. they are all real and valuable. they are feelings. 

grieving can feel very lonely. it can feel like the world is passing by, like everyone is living their lives, like no one else seems to know that your world has just fallen apart. 

but know that you are never alone. people are connected creatures by nature. we all need each other. and when you reach out, there are people there. 

often, people don't know what to say. they want to help but they don't know how. for ideas about what to say and how to help someone who has experienced a loss, read my previous post  http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/07/death.html

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Source: American Cancer Society

i have experienced loss in my life. young loss. unexpected loss. and it took me years to come to a place where i could grieve. the way i was raised, i wasn't supposed to have feelings. i wasn't supposed to fall apart. 

over the last few years, i have learned that it's okay to have feelings. it's even okay to fall apart. and the pieces will be there, ready to be put back together.  

my cousin wrote today, "when sunlight bounces off the face of someone you love, and finds its way into the eye of the lovely beholder, its image stays burned forever." i hope it's okay that i quoted him. 

it struck me. and it stayed with me. the people you love are forever imprinted in your mind and on your heart. burned into your memories. the people you love stay with you, leaving you changed in some way because of their having been there. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

infertility

this week was another hard week. one minute i was heartbroken and devastated and the next i was hopeful and looking forward to potential and possibilities. 

this week i did a lot of thinking about infertility. and let me tell you, they weren't happy thoughts ... 

being infertile makes me feel defective. 

broken. 

one thing that sets women apart from men is the ability to bare children. and i can't. 

and i wont. 

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 

― Laura Bush 

infertility hurts. i ache. there is no cure for my infertility and there is no cure for this pain. there are no words for the absence of a child. if i had a child and lost it, then people would know. people would understand that i am grieving. 

this week a student asked me, "why don't you have any kids? aren't you going to be lonely for the rest of your life?" 

stab.

right in the heart.  

we tried. for 2 1/2 years. we tried hormones and pills and injections and daily blood tests at 7am, and intrusive ultrasounds every second day and hundreds and hundreds of dollars. and each time we would hope. we would dream. we would be sure that this was the time that would work. and it never was. the test would always come back negative. i can't count how many test strips i peed on. 

“I found that each time a test was negative, it stopped the dreaming and hoping for a while. Taking the test was a way of puncturing the balloons of hope, because if I didn't, they would lift and lift without any evidence, and their falling back down every month was too painful. Essentially, I took all these tests to keep myself from hoping, because the hoping was breaking my heart.” 
― Shauna Niequist

infertility makes me feel like i wasn't supposed to be born a woman. like everything about me is all wrong. like i am broken inside. the cause of my infertility is too many androgens - too many male hormones. and i have male pattern baldness. what the fuck? how is that fair? i am a woman. i am supposed to have female hormones. i am supposed to have hair on the top of my head. i am supposed to ovulate. i am supposed to have regular periods. 

i am supposed to be able to make a baby. 

and i can't. 

since the beginning of human history, all over the world, a woman's worth has been defined by her uterus and it's productivity. i am supposed to have the CHOICE of whether or not i want to have a baby. i don't have that choice. 

and it kills me. 

“I remember thinking about how mothers were prepared to run into burning buildings to save their children's lives. I thought I should be able to go through a bit more suffering, a bit more inconvenience to give my children life. It made me feel noble. But now I realize I'm a crazy woman running into a burning house for children who don't exist.” 
― Liane Moriarty

eventually we had to stop. stop the craziness that was our lives. stop the roller coaster. stop the hoping and the dreaming. stop the heart ache that came with every negative test. 

and every negative test came with guilt about my body and it's inability to do such a simple thing as ovulate and fertilize and keep a child. something that billions of women across the world do every year. and i couldn't. 

guilt. 

i am trying to take my health into my own hands. to fight against this disease that i have. to take strides to take care of myself. i am trying. and it is hard. and no matter what i do, i have to live with this. i have to live with too many male hormones. i have to live with too much insulin. i have to live with hair loss. i have to live with weight gain and difficulty losing weight. i have to live with not being able to handle eating sugar. i have to live with being infertile. 

... needless to say, this was an emotional week. and i can't believe i made it to friday. but here i am, alive and full of possibilities. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

death

death. 

no one wants to talk about it. but the fact is, it's a part of our life. 

this post might be hard for some people to read. because it is sad.  

so i am giving you fair warning that it might bring up past experiences for you and you might want to stop reading now. i won't be offended or sad if you decide not to read this post. if you stop reading now, be kind to yourself, 
xoxo
...

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” 
― Mitch Albom

my friend asked me to blog about how to deal with death. frankly, i don't know. i have faced the deaths of dear friends, of students, of my grandmother, of aunts and uncles. and i will continue to experience death and loss because i love so deeply. 

for awhile, i thought it would be easier not to love at all. if you don't love, you don't feel, and you don't lose. 

“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” 
― J.K. Rowling

but life is about loving. and i have a huge heart. 

so what to write about ... 

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 
― Lemony Snicket

... loss. i experienced a loss today. someone that i care about very much emailed to say that they were going away and wouldn't be in my life anymore. although this was a healthcare practitioner, we have built a relationship over the last 3 years of seeing her weekly. she knows intimate details of my life. and i will miss her deeply. 

... loss ... how do you talk to someone who is experiencing loss? is there a right way and a wrong way? 

“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?” 
― Jodi Picoult

first of all, don't say "it will be alright" because it wont. don't say "it was meant to be" because that\s just shitty. don't say "s/he's in a better place" because a better place would be here with their loved ones. 

Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

Source: American Hospice Foundation

second, listen. no one experiencing loss needs advice. they need an ear, a shoulder, a friend. just listen. just be there. distract if they ask for distraction. make them laugh if they want to laugh. and let them cry if they want to cry. listen with compassion and an open mind. 

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” 
― Haruki Murakami

third, be willing to show empathy and to face the darkness that surrounds the loss. don't be afraid of that darkness. we all have faced it, or will. the darkness will not overcome you. don't be afraid of the grief the other person is experiencing. it won't hurt you. it may touch you, and it may be hard. so self-care is important. as nosy nora once told me, listen but don't hold onto it. 

here are some tips from the american cancer society:

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Source: American Cancer Society

most of all, be there. loss and death are dark and scary and most of us don't know how to deal with it ourselves let alone with other people. but be there. because your friends and loved ones need you. and one day, they will remember what you did for them and will be there for you too. 

“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.” 
― Charles Bukowski


be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

gigi

today i was given a gift. 

i was given a baggie with folded up letters in it. old letters. 19 year old letters. letters from my friend gigi who this blog is named after. letters and poems from my best friend who died when we were 18. 

getting these letters and reading them was like getting a piece of her back. 

i forgot how sardonic and sarcastic she was. i forgot how passion about social justice she was. i forgot how funny she was. i forgot the mundane things we talked about like English projects and hockey games. 

i wanted to share with you a couple of her poems. because i want to share a piece of her with you. here are her poems: 

So what?

Just because your heart is pumping doesn’t mean you’re living,

Just because you’ve made a lot of money doesn’t mean you’re successful,

Just because you give to charity doesn’t mean you’re generous,

Just because you’ve got a degree doesn’t mean you’re intelligent,

Just because you have everything you’ve ever wanted doesn’t mean you’re happy,

Just because someone says you’re better than mean doesn’t mean I should respect you,

Don’t try to buy me with your wallet, money hass no lasting value.

Don’t try to buy me with your superficial flattery, I can see right through it anyway.

Don’t try to make me jealous of your riches, I’m rich, I just dion’t have any money.

Don’t try to make me look uneducatied, there are some things you’’ll never learn in school.

Don’t try to tell me I can’t change the world, jjust watch and learn.

By Gigi

Friday may 13, 1994

The train moves forward

Travelling towards my dreams

I am left behind

When small

Tense, hunched over

Paper and pressing

Hard and carefully

To make words

Letters precise and deep

Within the page

Grammar corrected and

Stressed constantly

Unrelenting, ruthless

And then

Letters perfected

Personal style perfected

(big letters and circles over the “i”s)

Grammer perfected and enforced

And then

Rejection

            Messy scrawls written hurriedly

            Punctuation forgotten or ignored

            Incorrect grammar, rules scorned,

            Mocked; too rigid for

            Real expression

And then

For always

By Gigi

November 7, 1995

this is the last thing she ever wrote. she wrote it on the subway on the way to the party where she died:

Sunday, December 31, 1995

365 days in the year

5 hours left now

Somewhere in the world

It’s already

Next year

But not yet

Here

1996

The year of my graduation

I hope

And then?

New years eve

Is always a night

Of contemplation

Wondering

About accomplishments

Failures

Dreams

And unwanted realities

Life has too many variables

Or not enough

And what will 1996 bring?

What will tomorrow bring?

Tonight?

Is there merit in trying to guess

Or second guess?

And what are we counting down to?

Another ten seconds of our

Life go by

As we look to the next year,

Which will come if we

Watch the parties on T.V. or not.

A funny thing about those

Televised countdowns,

One station tells you

5 seconds left,

The other tells you 7.

Does it even matter?

i want to leave you with this poem about the light inside of us and how we can change the world. that's all she wanted to do; change the world. and change it she did. she changed me. she changed everyone she touched. and her light shines on inside those who loved her. be kind to yourself, and let your light shine ...

Personal light

Each of us has our own little light inside

And after we die various things can happen to that light:

Some lights fade away into the darkness and nobody notices or cares about the loss of their light

Some lights shine brightly, but nobody wants or needs their light and some

Even despise the suffering the light brings

Other lights shine with a loving glow that encompasses all

Anyone who has ever felt the warmth of these beams keep a little glimmer of

Them with them wherever they go

These lights remain brilliant and everlasting

Every person chooses which light will shine within themselves and the type

Of light that will shine after them

(you can) light up the world (forever)

By Gigi

Saturday June 11, 1994

loss

“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.” ― Alyson Noel

i want to write about loss. i want to write about the feelings of abandonment that come with loss. i want to write about how it feels to lose someone you love. but it is hard to find the words. 

i named this blog after 2 dear friends who died. april, who died in a fire 16 years ago, and gigi who died of viral myocarditis 18 years ago ( http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/ ). both of these women were 18 when they died. both of these women had a huge impact on my life. 

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?” ― Jeanette Winterson

get over it. you can't get over loss. you can't get over a person who you loved. because you loved them. and love endures, and love lives in you, and love holds on to you. my first girlfriend told me, "love it's like a tap that you can turn on and off." so there is no such thing as "getting over" loss. you can become stronger. it can hurt less and less. and it becomes a part of you. 

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ― Edna St. Vincent Millay

missing someone who is gone hurts. it is the kind of hurt that can't be seen. the kind of hurt that there are no words for. the kind of hurt that lingers quietly inside you, shrieking silently. 

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” 

― John Irving

i don't remember gigi's voice anymore. i don't remember her laugh. what i do remember is how she made me feel. that is what stays. the love stays. the feeling that i mattered. that i was important. that i was worthy and deserving of her friendship. those feelings don't disappear. 

“You never knew the last time you were seeing someone. You didn't know when the last argument happened, or the last time you had sex, or the last time you looked into their eyes and thanked God they were in your life.

After they were gone?

That was all you thought about.

Day and night.” 

― J.R. Ward

the last thing that april said to me was, "i have so much to tell you ..." she was wearing purple overalls and was bouncing around the parking lot at the walmart, about to get a ride home from a woman she had a big crush on. a woman who used to be her teacher. april was thrilled to be getting a ride from A, and had news to share with me about her life ... i never got to hear the news. i never found out what the "so much" was that she wanted to tell me. 

the week before, she had shown up at my house wearing a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. she had taken the bus to my house wearing nothing but a yellow sarong. seriously. NOTHING. not even shoes. we lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling and talking about life, and love, and making plans. 

the last thing i said to gigi was "i'll talk to you tomorrow." she was headed to a new years eve party and wanted me to go with her. but i didn't want to. so she went to the party alone and she died there. i can't explain to you the guilt that comes with not having gone to that party with her. even though she would have died anyway. there was nothing i could have done. but i could have been there with her. 

“Oh, sometimes I think it is of no use to make friends. They only go out of your life after awhile and leave a hurt that is worse than the emptiness before they came.” ― L.M. Montgomery

loss hurts. loss is an ache. loss has no words. and yet, i try repeatedly to find the words to express the feelings of losing someone. 

tomorrow i am being given a file folder with letters from gigi that i had locked in a safety deposit box. i don't remember what is in the box. but i will be getting a piece of her back. i will be getting words. 



be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...