Let there be love ( revised ) ...

this weekend as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs reminded me that i wrote about it and how... i was moved to become very introspective.

we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ... 

"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth

i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...

"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth

i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.

"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.

"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth

There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ... 

i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.

"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth

people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....

"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time.  i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard. 

"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth

this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.

and so i am trying to believe.

i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.

i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.

i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.

be kind to yourself

xoxo

Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ

...

Stress

“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.” 
― Tina Fey

stress. 

we all have it. and some stress can be healthy. stress can be motivating. 

but some stress can be overwhelming and crushing. 

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” 
― Steve Maraboli

often the things that stress me out are things that i have no control over - like other people's reactions to things. but then there are other things like being disorganized and not paying my bills on time. i control that aspect of my life and when it gets out of control, i need to take responsibility for it. but that doesn't make it any less stressful. 

the stress response is your body's way of protecting you - of telling you that there is something wrong. 

our responses to stress (fight, flight, or freeze) occur when we are overwhelmed. the problem is that the body doesn't distinguish between physical and psychological threats, so we react the same way. and the longer we are under the stress response the more ... well, stress it puts on our bodies. 

“In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.” 
― Fred Rogers

listening to ourselves is just as important as listening to each other. we know when we have had too much or are doing too much. but we often feel guilty pulling back on our commitments despite our stress level. asking ourselves the right questions about our ability to continue, about our health, is as important as making the decision to stop and take time for ourselves. without those questions, we can get swallowed up in our stress. 

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” 
― Jane Wagner

some stress is unavoidable. it just is. life in this western society is go go go fast fast fast produce produce produce. and a person who stops to smell the roses is self-indulgent and selfish. which is totally untrue, by the way ... i know because i stepped out of my life for a few months and let myself practice self-care and the world didn't end. the world kept turning, in fact. and nothing fell apart just because i took time for myself. 

“Stress is the trash of modern life-we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life.” 
― Danzae Pace

so what? 

what do we do to deal with stress? well, quite frankly i am NOT an expert on dealing with stress. i'm the opposite of an expert. geez, one of my closest friends is nicknamed captain stressy pants, so between myself and my friends i know a LOT about what causes stress what affects it has on your body and on your health ... but when it comes to self-care, i am leaving it up to the Canadian Mental Health Association http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/stress/#.U4-p0_ldUuc to give you advice:

Identify the problem. Is your job, school, a relationship with someone, or worries about money causing stress? Are unimportant, surface problems hiding deeper problems? Once you know what the real problem is, you can do something about it.

Solve problems as they come up. What can you do, and what are the possible outcomes? Would that be better or worse than doing nothing? Remember, sometimes solving a problem means doing the best you can—even if it isn’t perfect—or asking for help. Once you’ve decided on a solution, divide the steps into manageable pieces and work on one piece at a time. Improving your problem-solving skills is a long-term strategy that can help you feel like you’re in control again.

Talk about your problems. You may find it helpful to talk about your stress. Loved ones may not realize that you’re having a hard time. Once they understand, they may be able to help in two different ways. First, they can just listen—simply expressing your feelings can help a lot. Second, they may have ideas to help you solve or deal with your problems. If you need to talk with someone outside your own circle of loved ones, your family doctor may be able to refer you to a counsellor, or you may have access to one through your school, workplace, or faith community.

Simplify your life. Stress can come up when there are too many things going on. Learning to say no is a real skill that takes practice. Try to look for ways to make your to-do list more manageable.

Learn helpful thinking strategies. The way you think about situations affects the way you respond to them. Unhelpful thoughts, such as believing that everything must be perfect or expecting the worst possible outcome, can make problems seem bigger than they really are.

Learn about stress management. There are many useful books, websites, and courses to help you cope with stress. There are also counsellors who specialize in stress. There may be stress management courses and workshops available through your community centre, workplace, or school.

Start on the inside. Practices like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, or breathing exercises can help you quiet your mind and look at problems from a calmer, more balanced point of view. With time, these practices can help you manage your response to stressful situations as they come up.

Get active. Physical activity can be a great way to reduce stress and improve your mood. Activity could be anything from taking up a new sport to walking. The most important part is that it gets you moving and you enjoy it—it shouldn’t feel like a chore. If you experience barriers to physical activity, try talking to your doctor or care team for ideas.

Do something you enjoy. Making time for hobbies, sports, or activities that you find fun or make you laugh can temporarily give you a break from problems. Listen to music, read, go for a walk, see a friend, watch your favourite movie, or do whatever makes you feel good. This can give you a little mental distance from problems when you can’t deal with them right away.

so ... now i need to practice those strategies myself! i hope you can take something from this post. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

control and disordered eating ...

being in control is my biggest struggle. 

on the one hand, i don't want to be the person to make the decisions, and on the other hand, i get angry when i feel like i am not in control. 

i want someone to tell me how to do things, and i don't want to be told what to do, 

sometimes i give over my power in passive aggressive ways ... for example, if we are driving, i will ask SC "should we take the highway, or go through the city?" that way, SHE makes the decision and if it is a bad decision in terms of traffic ... well it isn't my fault because it wasn't my choice ...

so what is it about control that i want to relinquish it as well as to keep it? what is it that makes me so angry when i feel like someone is trying to enforce their control onto me?

i asked CJ about her thoughts because we struggle with the same issues around food and control. she said: "if i could convince myself that i deserve to eat during the day, if i could convince myself that feeling full isn't feeling out of control, i might be able to eat three meals per day."


i want to talk about food. it is a bit scary for me to write about food, because it is such a huge issue for me. but i think that talking about it gives me power over it, and talking about it also takes the shame out of it. it makes me vulnerable and it holds my story up to the light. shame can't survive in the light, as AG likes to tell me. 

according to the university of cambridge, 

"eating disorders are often described as an outward expression of internal emotional pain and confusion. [...] the behaviours associated with food are maladaptive means of dealing with emotional distress which cannot be expressed in any other satisfactory way. [...] food is used as an inappropriate way of taking control."

the assumption about eating disorders is that the person wants to be thin. well duh, of course i want to be thin. but that has nothing to do with the ways that i (mis)use food. 

CJ said: "people have this image in their minds from the media of someone with an eating disorder - the image of the anorexic. in reality, that image is only a small fraction of the people affected by eating disorders. the shame of having an eating disorder is made more by not seeing media representation of your "type" of eating disorder. with anything else, if comes in all shapes and sizes."

so what is my eating disorder? 

food is my form of (false) control. when i feel like i am not in control, i use and abuse food to reassure myself that i make the choices. 

i play this game with myself. it's a game that i win by losing. i hold off on eating for as long as i possibly can. i don't eat, i drink tea to make my belly feel full. and i give in and eat when i am shaking and feeling faint, i have a few crackers or a piece of fruit - something to stave off the shaking. 

CJ said: "people seem to have this idea that overweight people sit around eating all day. in reality, part of the reason these people are this way is due to starving themselves so frequently that they completely stall their metabolism, making their body go into 'starvation mode' and any food ingested because stored. it's not an excuse for being overweight but it does serve to explain that if it were as simple as just not eating junk food/a lot of food, there wouldn't be so many overweight, unhappy, unhealthy people in the world."

i have been thinking a lot about my eating, and about food, and control. so i started talking to CJ about it, and about how much we think about it. she is so articulate that she has pretty much taken over this post. CJ said, "i probably think about it too much ... every time i purge, every time i go to bed hungry, every time i feel that sense of accomplishment when my stomach growls, every time i eat in front of friends, every time i binge, every time a kid laughs at me on the street, every time someone suggests a "great new diet they discovered" ... pretty much all the time."

thinking about food all the time is actually exhausting. thinking about eating, and not eating. thinking about purging, the actual purging, and thinking about how to hide the purging. it is all exhausting. 



be kind to yourself

xoxo

...

feeding me with feedback

there is nothing greater than getting feedback on my blog. i wanted to share this email that i received from E, about the post from yesterday, "unleashing my hunger" (click here to read the original post). 

So here is our guest blogger of the day, E:

What is forbidden is desired.  Which is why my own kids eat when they want and what they want.  

Of course we do have dinner as a family but depending on their snacking throughout the day they may eat more or less at the table with us and it was and still is never a problem.  

My Mom did the same thing as yours about food with us, especially junk food.  Which is why I have a huge junk food drawer at my house with a basket filled with chocolate and candy on the coffee table and every now and again I have to dump it in the trash because no one really seems to care about it.  As you say, it is there and not restricted and anyone that comes over always comments on how “good” my kids have it with the abundance and accessability of treats.

My Mom used to discipline us to eat our dinner.  The more she forced us to eat everything that was on our plates, the less hungry I became.  Dinner was a dreadful event. My mom was one of 7 kids in a very poor home and so she just couldn’t understand how we did not want food when she would have killed for it growing up.  

By the time she had my younger brother and sister, she didn’t care anymore and pretty much changed her whole attitude about eating and the rules around it.  She cleaned homes for a living and often commented on how the families she worked for did things very differently and then she would try to do the same at home.

As far as the rule on love goes, the Biblical command to “love your neighbour as yourself” can only work if you truly do love yourself and treat yourself kindly.  Otherwise if you don’t love yourself and treat others as yourself, then wouldn’t that mean you are not being truly kind to others?

As you can see, you have struck a cord in me.  I too get angry about the whole food issue when it comes to kids.  When I am hungry I NEED to eat. That is all I can think about at that moment. Therefore, when students are hungry then they should be allowed to eat as well. Especially them, who are growing little bodies.

thank you E, for sharing your story. what is forbidden is desired. love yourself and love others. eat when you are hungry. eat what you feel for. 

treating yourself well so that you can treat others well. that is a good message. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

unleashing my hunger

throughout my childhood, i was told that i wasn't hungry. i would open the fridge and my mother would say, "you're not hungry, you're bored." and then i would be pointed towards the carrots. 

at school, eating was regimented. we could eat when it was snack time, and lunch time, and those were the only times when food was allowed. as a teacher, i fight against this idea of children not know when they are hungry. what if they aren't hungry at lunch time? what if they are hungry at 10:30 am? or at 2:45? 

in my classroom, students are allowed to eat when they are hungry. we do have a healthy-food-only rule. at lunch time they are allowed whatever junk they feel for. but in the classroom, there are no chips, chocolate, cookies, or sugary drinks allowed as a snack. 

i want my students to learn that they are in charge of their bodies and that their bodies know what they need. so if they want to eat chicken noodle soup at 10 am, they are allowed. if they want to eat an apple or yogurt or cheese and crackers at 2:30 pm, they are allowed. i never ever tell them that they aren't hungry. if they say, "i'm hungry" i either direct them to their lunch bag, or to the "hungry basket" i have at the front of the room that is filled with fruit and crackers and bagels and melba toast and bread sticks. there is one child whose mother sends a bag of snacks every month and he keeps them in a drawer. he knows where his snacks are and he can eat them whenever he wants to. 

i can see parents cringing when they read this. a child allowed to eat whenever s/he wants to? they will over-eat and gain weight and be unhealthy and unhappy. 

bullshit. 

i overate as a child when i was denied food. i overate in secret. and what i snuck to eat was unhealthy, full of trans fats, and full of sugar. food became a comfort. it became my secret rebellion against the lack of control i was given around my hunger. and other times, i used my ability to starve myself as a form of control. the summer i was 12, i lived on juice. i was taken to doctors and weighed and measured. i was bribed with food. but i refused to eat for an entire 2 months. 

the child in my classroom who was given free-reign over his food started out eating non-stop all day long. he would forage and stuff his face with the snacks his mother sent for him. but over time, as he learned that the food was there whenever he wanted it, and that his teachers would allow him to eat whenever he wanted ... he slowed down. now, he may go days without accessing his snack drawer. his hunger is real. his hunger is legitimate. and his hunger is his responsibility. so he manages it in a healthy way. because HE is in charge of his body. he listens to his hunger. 

i could learn an awful lot from this little boy. 

i have unleashed my hunger over the last few months. my hunger for food. my hunger for knowledge. my hunger for spiritual fulfillment. my hunger for love. my hunger for peace and stillness in myself. 

unleashing my hunger means trusting myself. and trusting myself is terrifying. i was taught from birth not to trust my instincts. i was taught not to listen to myself. i was taught to eat breakfast before school, even if i wasn't hungry; to eat lunch at 12:00, even if i wasn't hungry; and to wait until dinner at 5:00 before i eat again, even if i was feeling hungry before then. 

i was taught to do what i was told, regardless of what i want. 

i was taught that love meant putting everyone else ahead of me and my needs. 

i am unleashing my hunger on the world. i am taking it all in. sometimes that means i am so overwhelmed that i can't get off the couch. sometimes it means i curl up in my self-imposed cocoon and cry. sometimes it means i eat an entire bowl of cadbury mini-eggs. sometimes it means i listen harder, i speak my truth clearer, and i love more intensely. 

unleash your hunger. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo


...

anxiety is a meteor, a tsunami, and a broken alarm clock

do you ever lie awake worrying about things that are both completely beyond your control but also completely impossible? 

i set 3 alarms for tomorrow morning. 

and i am convinced that all 3 of them will be defective, or i will sleep through them. 

i am convinced that i am going to get lost going to an appointment that i have in the morning. and i am convinced that i am going to spontaneously lose the ability to speak or write in English which means i won't be able to communicate with anyone to ask them for directions. clearly, i will get lost just trying to find the elevator. and then if i do manage to find enough English words to ask for directions, i won't remember the directions that i am given mere moments after i am given them. so i will wander around aimlessly which means i will be late. 

that is assuming that my car starts in the morning. and that i have enough gas. that is assuming that one of my three alarms that i set is effective. 

and once i do arrive at the hospital where my appointment is ... where will i park? there is a parking lot, but i don't want to pay for parking. hospital parking costs way too much. so i need to drive around and find a side street that has parking for more than one hour at a time. 

and all that is assuming that when i DO get out of bed if my alarms go off and i don't run into heavy traffic, that i am not struck by a meteor and that i arrive at the hospital and don't find that it has been destroyed by a tsunami that somehow made it's way from the ocean across several provinces. 

of course, as AG said, we could be completely wiped out by aliens, which means i wouldn't be alive to have to worry about any of these whatifs anyway. 

but back to my original question ... do you ever spiral out of control with your whatifs? 

i get so stuck on what could happen that i can't focus on what is happening NOW. it can be debilitating. 

i am trying to work on looking at the FACTS. 

FACT: my car probably needs gas so i should leave 10 minutes earlier than i had planned and fill up the tank. 

FACT: one of my 3 alarms is going to wake me up, and SC gets up hours before the time that i set the alarm for and i will likely get out of bed with her anyway. 

FACT: it is highly improbable that i will forget both the speaking and writing of English at exactly the same time, so i can probably ask for directions.

FACT: if i ask for directions and then either get lost, or forget what the directions were, i can ask someone else. 
there are probably signs. 

FACT: meteors and aliens are also quite unlikely to impede my day.

FACT: we are too far from the ocean for a tsunami to affect us ... and the hospital is too far from the lake for a flood to affect it ...

FACT: if i do end up parking on a street for free and it turns out to only be one hour parking and i am there for two hours, the worst thing that will happen is that i get a parking ticket, which will piss me off because it would have been cheaper to park at the hospital, but it won't actually be the end of the world and i can just pay the ticket and move on.

making a list of facts when your anxieties are crowding out your rational thoughts is quite useful. Nosy Nora suggests counting backwards by 3s from 100. and if the list of facts isn't enough, and if counting backwards doesn't activate your rational brain, then activating your parasympathetic nervous system while listing your facts can help to take away any physical symptoms of anxiety. 

i like to rub the fleshy bit of my thumb muscle under my thumb. i poke around until i find a tender spot and then i push and rub hard on that tender spot. i call it the come-back-to-me spot because it brings me back to reality instead of letting me float away in a tsunami of what ifs ...

xoxo

...

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMM

tonight i am processing my session with Nosy Nora. (my therapist. see post from January 12, 2014 to learn more about that)

*** NOTE: i will not, i repeat NOT be coming home and blogging about my therapy sessions on a regular basis. at least, not about the details. therapy is incredibly personal and vulnerable and intimate. it also isn't transferable through conversations or writing. this is an extremely unique situation. and i wont be sharing the specifics about what took place within the office.

today i brought a bag with me. a bag of weight loss and diet books. books that represent every failed attempt to CONTROL my eating. books that represent how the more i try to CONTROL the more powerless i feel. the more people try to help me, the more i feel controlled by someone else. 

it was a big bag of books. honestly. so many years of trying different diets and failing. 

why? 

because diets don't work. they just don't. we live in a world where food and emotion are inexorably tied together. and the idea that you can just CONTROL the amount of food you eat .... well that's just plain silly! 

if diets worked ... if diets truly were effective ... then we wouldn't have a multibillion dollar diet industry. if diets worked, then the diet industry would be out of business! 

i have been reading every word written by Geneen Roth.  and I highly recommend her life-changing books.

 (click here for her website and her books) i mention her because the ideas i am talking about come from her. 

i will never diet again. ever. 

many people weren't initially fans of this new plan of mine. but they aren't in this body. and they aren't in my head. and my head and my body are both a mess ... so it is time to try something totally different ...

imagine, if you will, all the rules that have been placed on me because of PCOS (click here for PCOS info on an empowering website) and because of fertility (see blog posts from the last few years). 

no sugar, no white flour, no rice, no juice, and only 2 fruits a day. 

now imagine that it's christmas and i am given some chocolate. and i'm given permission (from myself) to eat the christmas chocolate. 

one piece. 

Ya right. 

forbidden glorious chocolate. so I eat the one piece. and then another. and then another. and as the euphoria of the sweet melting chocolate hits, i am overcome by the fact that i can't eat chocolate. that it isn't allowed. so i eat every goddamn piece of chocolate that i was given. and then i seek out more. and i eat and eat and eat that chocolate because i won't be able to eat it again the next day because it is forbidden and because i am on a diet. 

then I bask in the temporary sugar high from eating all that chocolate .... for a few glorious moments life is just right ... 

then it hits me what i have done. i have eaten chocolate. i have consumed sugar. i have broken all the rules. i have fucked up. now I'll always be fat. i'll never be thin. and worst of all, i'll NEVER get pregnant. 

and why? 

because i ate chocolate. 

then the pain begins ... a stabbing in my shoulder blade ... and it slowly spreads to my rib cage ... then it feels like there is a vice grip crushing me. and the crushing gets tighter and tighter ... and there is nothing left to do except to make myself throw up. 

yes, blog audience, and dear friends, i make myself throw up. a lot. regularly. especially when i start to panic that i have fucked up my entire life by eating chocolate (or chips, or fries, or cake, or candy, or pizza)

.........

rewind ...

... let's imagine a different christmas. same me. same scenario. i have been given chocolate as a gift. only in THIS scenario there are no rules. there are compassionate and intuitive guidelines. specifically, eat what i want, WHATEVER my body WANTS, when i am hungry and then stop eating when i am satisfied. 

hang on, stop right there. TIME OUT!!!

trust myself? trust my body? you have GOT to be kidding me!!! 

(go read Roth's books or her blog or her website and all will become clear ... and in the meanwhile ...)

imagine me sitting there with a pile of chocolate in my stocking. and it's christmas. so i eat a piece of chocolate. and i am satisfied. and i put the rest away. why? because i have permission to listen to my body. because the chocolate will still be there later if i want it. because I AM IN CHARGE OF WHAT I EAT AND NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CAN'T EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so back to Nosy Nora and the giant bag of diet books ...

... today i brought in those books and she joined me in tearing them to pieces. 

i thought that it would feel different. i thought that DESTROYING those books and what they represent for me would feel freeing and be a relief and it wasn't ... Nosy Nora suggested that perhaps that feeling would come later. 

so SC and i decided to go out for dinner (thanks for the gift card ARD, love you!!)  and you know what? i ordered what i wanted, 

and i only ate the amount that i wanted.

and then, if you please, we ordered dessert. which i also didn't feel the need to finish. 

when we got home, SC and i went to the recycling bin and i threw out those ripped to shreds books ...

and then i looked at the bag, in the bin, with the rest of the useless thrown-out TRASH GARBAGE DISGUSTING UNNECESSARY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT was when the relief came. THAT was when i felt free. (okay, okay, Nosy Nora, so you were right. again.)

sometimes in order to make change in our lives, we need a grand gesture: something to visually or physically represent what is going on emotionally. 

i needed to DESTROY the representations of my lack of control - not my lack of self-control, but my feeling of not being ALLOWED to make my own choices. because i WANT to be healthy, i WANT to feel good in my body, and goddammit, i WANT to get pregnant. 

but none of those things are going to happen if i am not the one running the show. 

I AM AN ADULT. I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING GOOD DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND IF I WANT TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE, I AM GOING TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ... rant is over ...

... in case you're curious, tomorrow's lunch is a giant salad made with organic veggies, chicken, and apple. NOT because i feel like i am supposed to, but because as delicious as the french fries were tonight, my body is TELLING me that i would like to eat veggies. and i can LISTEN to my body because the next time my body says it wants french fries, i can make the choice about whether or not i want to eat them. 

THAT is what it feels like to be free. 

THAT is what it feels like to breathe. 

THIS is what it feels like to be free. 

THIS is what it feels like to breathe. 

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

xoxo

...