it's easy for us to admit and own our kindness, our happiness, our helpfulness. but LES suggested i write about owning our anger, our frustration, and those emotions that we think of as "bad." to own your feelings means to admit that you have those feelings, to accept the feeling, to feel it, and to express it in a healthy way.
“We think too much and feel too little.”
― Charles Chaplin
i have written before about there being no such thing as good or bad emotions, there are just emotions. and they ebb and flow. and they are all okay.
but how do we actually own those emotions that we try hard to pretend that we don't have: jealousy, rage, frustration, anger, disappointment ...
... as a child, my family didn't talk about emotions. but if i expressed any of those "bad" emotions, i was taught to bury it and be a good girl. good girls don't get angry. good girls aren't jealous or disappointed. good girls smile and accept what life hands them.
“Emotions come and go and can't be controlled so there's no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.”
― Nicholas Sparks
in my life, i have faced experiences that have left me feeling lonely, and empty, and i didn't know how to handle those feelings because i was taught to suck it up and be good.
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.”
― Khalil Gibran
good girls don't express their feelings, they hold them in.
i have been thinking a lot about loss lately and my reactions to the losses i have faced in life.
i shut down years ago and found ways to numb myself from the pain of loss. one of those ways was food, another was sedatives, and another was to shut down part of my heart to protect myself from further loss.
had i been taught how to own my emotions and to express them in healthy ways, i think my life would have been very different.
now, i blog. blogging is how i sort out my thoughts and my feelings.
“Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.”
― José N. Harris
so how do we own our emotions? what can we DO with those emotions that scare us?
yell
sing
run
walk
jump
scream
do yoga
breathe
mediate
talk
write
call a friend
listen to music
make music
draw
sculpt
cry
take a bath
find something to do that makes you feel good. allow yourself to feel the emotion. there is nothing wrong with feeling. there is nothing wrong with being jealous, angry, hurt, disappointed ... there is nothing wrong with feelings.
how we act upon our feelings is a whole other story. i am not suggesting you take out your rage on someone else. that isn't healthy. neither is it healthy to take out your rage on yourself. and yet, it is okay to FEEL rage and to express yourself in healthy safe ways. through writing, for example. and then tearing up your writing.
the truth is ... i am telling myself this as much as i am telling you.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Showing posts with label feeling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feeling. Show all posts
Thursday, 10 July 2014
Wednesday, 18 June 2014
CRBDAC 6 months later ...
i'm proud of me,
sometimes,
some days.
i told radical t today that it's been 6 months since i abused sedatives. i told her that nosy nora suggested i write about it. i also told her that it's no big deal. i believe i said "it is what it is."
radical t suggested that perhaps there was more to it than that. that if it wasn't a big deal i wouldn't have told her. that perhaps there was something deeper there.
am i proud?
sometimes.
to be honest, it feels like 6 months was a lifetime ago.
6 months ago i was terrified of the word "addiction" and preferred nosy nora's description of "continued repetitions of behaviours despite adverse consequences" or CRBDAC.
6 months ago i was sneaking gravol, or whatever sedative i could find to help me sleep, to help me feel numb, to help me turn off my brain ...
i no longer think about where there might be gravol hiding ... like under the couch cushions or stuffed in an old suitcase. and i also know that there aren't any in the house anymore.
even though there are nights i lay awake wishing i was sleeping, there are nights where i do sleep and i know that i don't need sedatives.
if you don't know what i am talking about, go back and read this post: http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/03/sobriety-and-numbness-aka-crbdac.html
but mostly, i have learned that it is okay to feel things. even when those feelings are difficult and painful.
feelings come and go.
as captain stressy pants likes to tell me, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.
nosy nora says feelings are just feelings and they will pass. and she also says that it's okay to feel them.
i have been given permission to have those nasty mean feelings that i never let myself have before - like being angry, and jealous.
feelings are hard. i spent 30 years trying to avoid feelings. and 6 months learning to allow them. i had to make a list of feeling words. there is nothing worse than when i'm asked how i feel ... because i often don't know. i wasn't taught to talk about my feelings. i wasn't given the vocabulary.
i couldn't have gone on this journey without the help of SC, my friends, and nosy nora. so thank you to all of you who have listened to me, who have guided me, and who have not judged me.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
sometimes,
some days.
i told radical t today that it's been 6 months since i abused sedatives. i told her that nosy nora suggested i write about it. i also told her that it's no big deal. i believe i said "it is what it is."
radical t suggested that perhaps there was more to it than that. that if it wasn't a big deal i wouldn't have told her. that perhaps there was something deeper there.
am i proud?
sometimes.
to be honest, it feels like 6 months was a lifetime ago.
6 months ago i was terrified of the word "addiction" and preferred nosy nora's description of "continued repetitions of behaviours despite adverse consequences" or CRBDAC.
6 months ago i was sneaking gravol, or whatever sedative i could find to help me sleep, to help me feel numb, to help me turn off my brain ...
i no longer think about where there might be gravol hiding ... like under the couch cushions or stuffed in an old suitcase. and i also know that there aren't any in the house anymore.
even though there are nights i lay awake wishing i was sleeping, there are nights where i do sleep and i know that i don't need sedatives.
if you don't know what i am talking about, go back and read this post: http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/03/sobriety-and-numbness-aka-crbdac.html
but mostly, i have learned that it is okay to feel things. even when those feelings are difficult and painful.
feelings come and go.
as captain stressy pants likes to tell me, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.
nosy nora says feelings are just feelings and they will pass. and she also says that it's okay to feel them.
i have been given permission to have those nasty mean feelings that i never let myself have before - like being angry, and jealous.
feelings are hard. i spent 30 years trying to avoid feelings. and 6 months learning to allow them. i had to make a list of feeling words. there is nothing worse than when i'm asked how i feel ... because i often don't know. i wasn't taught to talk about my feelings. i wasn't given the vocabulary.
i couldn't have gone on this journey without the help of SC, my friends, and nosy nora. so thank you to all of you who have listened to me, who have guided me, and who have not judged me.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
emotional harm reduction
harm reduction is a set of principles used in addiction support. it is strategies for supporting people, in whatever stage of their drug use, to make their use safer.
today LES suggested i write about emotional harm reduction and what that means to me. for example, if you have a list of things to do and you feel completely paralyzed, picking one thing and focusing on that and doing that one thing can make it easier to accomplish something.
i thought a lot today about harm reduction and how it could be applied to emotions and to our responses to emotions. and i decided that i would write 8 principles of emotional harm reduction, based on the principles of harm reduction as it relates to substance abuse.
1. accept that emotions are part of everyone's daily lives and that it is better to minimize the harmful effects of our responses to emotions than to ignore or suppress these emotions: each day we have various emotions flow through us. the emotions themselves are harmless, but can cause duress. we need to find ways to minimize our harmful reactions to the emotions that we feel. for example, when you are feeling overwhelmed your response to that feeling can often be to do something harmful to yourself instead of self-care; i.e. choosing to do something soothing and calming like taking a bath/shower, making some tea, taking some deep breaths, playing an instrument, going for a walk etc.
2. emotions can elicit all sorts of responses in individuals, and some responses are more appropriate than others. it is important to acknowledge that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with our emotions: unhealthy ways to deal with emotions include self-harm or harming someone else, purging, suppressing, or taking it out on someone else. healthy ways include practicing self-care, talking to a safe person, or even meditating ... it's okay to stop and take care of yourself when you are experiencing an emotion that feels "too much."
3. successful intervention of our own responses to our emotions involve creating safe ways to express emotions, not ceasing to have emotions altogether: learning to allow myself to have emotions and to find ways to say to someone "i feel ..." has been the most challenging and also most rewarding and liberating experience of my life. for me, a safe way to express my emotions has been in writing (either this blog, emails, texts, and even facebook chats) and also in therapy. being able to express emotions safely makes experiencing emotions more comfortable (or bearable).
4. finding ways to work with supportive people to explore our emotions in a way that reduces our negative reactions to these emotions: therapy. good friends. compassionate and loving people. finding a support system.
5. empower ourselves to be the ones to understand our emotions and to know what we need: only you can know what you are feeling and what you need. only you can know whether or not meditation is right for you. getting suggestions from people is fine, but only you can know WHAT will work for you and what wont. you need to be empowered to be able to stand up for your needs.
6. recognize that social inequities, personal identities, past trauma, and our vulnerability affect our capacity to effectively deal with our emotions and how we react to having them: we all have a past. we all have things in our life that have made us who we are. and some of us have not learned how to react to having emotions that throw us into a tailspin. it's okay to ask for help. it's okay to admit that you don't know how to react in a safe and supportive way to your own emotions. and it is okay to seek help.
7. do not minimize or ignore the potential harm that we can cause to ourselves based on our reactions to our sometimes difficult emotions: self-harm or harming someone else, purging, suppressing, or taking it out on someone else, can all be dangerous reactions to difficult emotions. it is important to recognize that this is true, so that we can create ways to safely and healthfully deal with our emotions.
8. ensure that our own voices are heard when we seek help to understand our emotions: if you have taken the step to go to therapy, and you don't feel heard, then find a new therapist. seriously. i am not making light of a serious situation. i have been in various therapeutic settings over the last 17 years and only in the last year and a half have i been in a setting where my voice is heard. you are the only person who knows how you are feeling. your voice matters. (click here for my post on why i support the experience of going to therapy)
so what does this mean when we are dealing with our emotions? sometimes fear and anxiety can rule our lives. we are afraid to try things, afraid to put ourselves out there, afraid to be vulnerable. sometimes showing up is the most that we can do. LES said, "... you can do nothing for fear of failure or you can try, and see what happens ... time is going to pass anyways ..."
for 30 years, i suppressed my emotions. i found ways to numb myself so that i didn't have to feel anger, hurt, sadness, longing, loneliness, despair, fear ... i found ways to push those emotions aside ... and to not FEEL anything.
but in doing so, i made it impossible to feel joy, bliss, happiness, excitement, pleasure ...
as i explore my own emotions, i am learning ways to "handle" my feelings. i am learning ways to feel the emotions without having a total and complete breakdown every time a feeling passes through me. it isn't easy. Nosy Nora says, "it sucks," and it does. but feeling is so much better than not feeling ... believe me.
as always ...
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
today LES suggested i write about emotional harm reduction and what that means to me. for example, if you have a list of things to do and you feel completely paralyzed, picking one thing and focusing on that and doing that one thing can make it easier to accomplish something.
i thought a lot today about harm reduction and how it could be applied to emotions and to our responses to emotions. and i decided that i would write 8 principles of emotional harm reduction, based on the principles of harm reduction as it relates to substance abuse.
1. accept that emotions are part of everyone's daily lives and that it is better to minimize the harmful effects of our responses to emotions than to ignore or suppress these emotions: each day we have various emotions flow through us. the emotions themselves are harmless, but can cause duress. we need to find ways to minimize our harmful reactions to the emotions that we feel. for example, when you are feeling overwhelmed your response to that feeling can often be to do something harmful to yourself instead of self-care; i.e. choosing to do something soothing and calming like taking a bath/shower, making some tea, taking some deep breaths, playing an instrument, going for a walk etc.
2. emotions can elicit all sorts of responses in individuals, and some responses are more appropriate than others. it is important to acknowledge that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with our emotions: unhealthy ways to deal with emotions include self-harm or harming someone else, purging, suppressing, or taking it out on someone else. healthy ways include practicing self-care, talking to a safe person, or even meditating ... it's okay to stop and take care of yourself when you are experiencing an emotion that feels "too much."
3. successful intervention of our own responses to our emotions involve creating safe ways to express emotions, not ceasing to have emotions altogether: learning to allow myself to have emotions and to find ways to say to someone "i feel ..." has been the most challenging and also most rewarding and liberating experience of my life. for me, a safe way to express my emotions has been in writing (either this blog, emails, texts, and even facebook chats) and also in therapy. being able to express emotions safely makes experiencing emotions more comfortable (or bearable).
4. finding ways to work with supportive people to explore our emotions in a way that reduces our negative reactions to these emotions: therapy. good friends. compassionate and loving people. finding a support system.
5. empower ourselves to be the ones to understand our emotions and to know what we need: only you can know what you are feeling and what you need. only you can know whether or not meditation is right for you. getting suggestions from people is fine, but only you can know WHAT will work for you and what wont. you need to be empowered to be able to stand up for your needs.
6. recognize that social inequities, personal identities, past trauma, and our vulnerability affect our capacity to effectively deal with our emotions and how we react to having them: we all have a past. we all have things in our life that have made us who we are. and some of us have not learned how to react to having emotions that throw us into a tailspin. it's okay to ask for help. it's okay to admit that you don't know how to react in a safe and supportive way to your own emotions. and it is okay to seek help.
7. do not minimize or ignore the potential harm that we can cause to ourselves based on our reactions to our sometimes difficult emotions: self-harm or harming someone else, purging, suppressing, or taking it out on someone else, can all be dangerous reactions to difficult emotions. it is important to recognize that this is true, so that we can create ways to safely and healthfully deal with our emotions.
8. ensure that our own voices are heard when we seek help to understand our emotions: if you have taken the step to go to therapy, and you don't feel heard, then find a new therapist. seriously. i am not making light of a serious situation. i have been in various therapeutic settings over the last 17 years and only in the last year and a half have i been in a setting where my voice is heard. you are the only person who knows how you are feeling. your voice matters. (click here for my post on why i support the experience of going to therapy)
so what does this mean when we are dealing with our emotions? sometimes fear and anxiety can rule our lives. we are afraid to try things, afraid to put ourselves out there, afraid to be vulnerable. sometimes showing up is the most that we can do. LES said, "... you can do nothing for fear of failure or you can try, and see what happens ... time is going to pass anyways ..."
for 30 years, i suppressed my emotions. i found ways to numb myself so that i didn't have to feel anger, hurt, sadness, longing, loneliness, despair, fear ... i found ways to push those emotions aside ... and to not FEEL anything.
but in doing so, i made it impossible to feel joy, bliss, happiness, excitement, pleasure ...
as i explore my own emotions, i am learning ways to "handle" my feelings. i am learning ways to feel the emotions without having a total and complete breakdown every time a feeling passes through me. it isn't easy. Nosy Nora says, "it sucks," and it does. but feeling is so much better than not feeling ... believe me.
as always ...
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
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