unexpected loss

nosy nora says that everyone dies, just not all at once. 

i hummed and hawed over whether or not to write this post, and more importantly, whether or not to publish it. i deal with life by writing about it. and i hope that one person will read this post, connect with it, and in some way feel better. 

while it is true that everyone will some day die, the unexpected death is the hardest. 

it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you and you are falling endlessly. and you think that the floor has to be there somewhere. and you think that you have landed and then it falls out from under you again. 

my family experienced a loss this weekend. and my heart aches for B who lost a sister. 

it makes me think about all the potential losses. the inevitable losses. it makes me think about the mortality of everyone i love. 

so how do you deal with an unexpected loss? where do you turn? what do you do first? 

an unexpected loss is often accompanied by intense grief. because there was no preparation for the loss. there was nothing leading up to it. 

the first step is to keep up your regular routine. having structure maintains a sense of control. 

try to get enough sleep. 

ease your stress by moving your body. 

don't forget to eat. 

find something comforting - something that feels good. something as simple as a cup of tea by the fireplace, a hot bath, a walk in the park, or a cuddle. 

take things one day at a time. 

one hour at a time. minute by minute. 

and ask for help. you don't have to do everything on your own.  

acknowledge your grief. 

it is real. 

acknowledge your feelings of helplessness, your questions of why, your questions of faith. your feelings are real. they are acceptable. your anger, your hurt, your laughter, your memories. they are all real and valuable. they are feelings. 

grieving can feel very lonely. it can feel like the world is passing by, like everyone is living their lives, like no one else seems to know that your world has just fallen apart. 

but know that you are never alone. people are connected creatures by nature. we all need each other. and when you reach out, there are people there. 

often, people don't know what to say. they want to help but they don't know how. for ideas about what to say and how to help someone who has experienced a loss, read my previous post  http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/07/death.html

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Source: American Cancer Society

i have experienced loss in my life. young loss. unexpected loss. and it took me years to come to a place where i could grieve. the way i was raised, i wasn't supposed to have feelings. i wasn't supposed to fall apart. 

over the last few years, i have learned that it's okay to have feelings. it's even okay to fall apart. and the pieces will be there, ready to be put back together.  

my cousin wrote today, "when sunlight bounces off the face of someone you love, and finds its way into the eye of the lovely beholder, its image stays burned forever." i hope it's okay that i quoted him. 

it struck me. and it stayed with me. the people you love are forever imprinted in your mind and on your heart. burned into your memories. the people you love stay with you, leaving you changed in some way because of their having been there. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

april

i want to write about april. 

april is my pseudonym, but the name comes from a real person. from a young and vibrant woman whom i loved very much. 

april could get me to do things that i would never do on my own. things that wouldn't occur to me. this photo was taken at a volunteer appreciation picnic for the sexual assault centre where we both volunteered.  

at the picnic, april decided that she wanted to go swimming. we were by the otonabee river, near the water treatment centre. not the cleanest place to swim. there were rumours about how polluted and gross the water was. 

but april liked to jump first and look later. and she wanted to swim. she convinced a group of us to go skinny dipping. *shaking my head* i had never done that before and have never done it since. but there i was, 20 years old being dragged skinny dipping with a group of women into the otonabee river. 

sometimes april's impulsive decision making scared me. like the time she wanted to jump off a bridge into a river without checking the water to see how deep it was, or if there were any rocks. however, she taught me to let go of many of my fears and to take risks. 

april was a force to be reckoned with. there was no stopping her. she was a community organizer at 16. she was amazing. 

we worked on a couple of committees together and attended endless meetings. we joined a "lesbian talking group" together where everyone thought we were a couple. 

she moved away for a year to work in jasper. she came home so happy. so full of life. so loving. so glad to be with family and friends. she showed up at my house in a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. that's the kind of thing she did: ride the bus with no shoes (or underwear) for no reason other than she felt like it. for no reason other than that she could. she was so beautiful that day. we talked for hours and caught up on each other's lives and crushes. 

a week later, we ran into each other in a parking lot. we were on opposite fundraising shifts for the ywca. she was just about to get a ride home and i had just arrived. she was literally bouncing with glee. she was wearing purple cotton overalls and jumping up and down and the last words she ever said to me were "i have so much to tell you!" and she bounced away into the parking lot ...

she was 18 years old. 

... a few days later, she was staying over at a friend's house and she and her friends fell asleep leaving a candle burning. 

the house caught fire. 

she and her friends got out. as did the family who lived in the downstairs apartment. unfortunately, april and her friends thought that there was still someone inside. there wasn't. but they didn't know that, so all 3 went back into the burning building to rescue their friend (their friend who wasn't even there ... jump first, look later ... give ... take care of everyone ... these were april's traits ...). a beam fell and one of them had to turn around and get out. she survived. 

april and her other friend were trapped. and both of them died. 

april's loss hit me hard. after losing my friend gigi only a few years earlier, i wasn't ready to endure the loss of someone i loved. 

the difference for me this time was that i was surrounded by a community of women who were also affected by her loss. and we supported each other. 

i turned to my writing. i wrote many poems, journal entries, and songs for and about april. i was also taking a theatre course that year. so i wrote and performed a one woman show about the loss and my grieving, using dance, song, and masks. it was incredibly cathartic. 

i still miss april. she was an incredible young woman who touched my life in many ways. she taught me that it's okay to jump. 

i look first, 

but i can jump. 

she taught me how to love with an open heart. she taught me to LIVE life, not to just let it pass you by. 

here is my song for april:

you always asked me to sing for you
you always wanted a song
i knew that one day i would write one for you
i just want this to be your song

i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song

i remember the way you looked the day you came home
your arms around me, at home
oh, how you had grown

i'll never forget your yellow sarong
and how you looked when you put it on
that day you wore purple and said
"i've so much to tell you"
and then you were gone ...

i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

gigi

today i was given a gift. 

i was given a baggie with folded up letters in it. old letters. 19 year old letters. letters from my friend gigi who this blog is named after. letters and poems from my best friend who died when we were 18. 

getting these letters and reading them was like getting a piece of her back. 

i forgot how sardonic and sarcastic she was. i forgot how passion about social justice she was. i forgot how funny she was. i forgot the mundane things we talked about like English projects and hockey games. 

i wanted to share with you a couple of her poems. because i want to share a piece of her with you. here are her poems: 

So what?

Just because your heart is pumping doesn’t mean you’re living,

Just because you’ve made a lot of money doesn’t mean you’re successful,

Just because you give to charity doesn’t mean you’re generous,

Just because you’ve got a degree doesn’t mean you’re intelligent,

Just because you have everything you’ve ever wanted doesn’t mean you’re happy,

Just because someone says you’re better than mean doesn’t mean I should respect you,

Don’t try to buy me with your wallet, money hass no lasting value.

Don’t try to buy me with your superficial flattery, I can see right through it anyway.

Don’t try to make me jealous of your riches, I’m rich, I just dion’t have any money.

Don’t try to make me look uneducatied, there are some things you’’ll never learn in school.

Don’t try to tell me I can’t change the world, jjust watch and learn.

By Gigi

Friday may 13, 1994

The train moves forward

Travelling towards my dreams

I am left behind

When small

Tense, hunched over

Paper and pressing

Hard and carefully

To make words

Letters precise and deep

Within the page

Grammar corrected and

Stressed constantly

Unrelenting, ruthless

And then

Letters perfected

Personal style perfected

(big letters and circles over the “i”s)

Grammer perfected and enforced

And then

Rejection

            Messy scrawls written hurriedly

            Punctuation forgotten or ignored

            Incorrect grammar, rules scorned,

            Mocked; too rigid for

            Real expression

And then

For always

By Gigi

November 7, 1995

this is the last thing she ever wrote. she wrote it on the subway on the way to the party where she died:

Sunday, December 31, 1995

365 days in the year

5 hours left now

Somewhere in the world

It’s already

Next year

But not yet

Here

1996

The year of my graduation

I hope

And then?

New years eve

Is always a night

Of contemplation

Wondering

About accomplishments

Failures

Dreams

And unwanted realities

Life has too many variables

Or not enough

And what will 1996 bring?

What will tomorrow bring?

Tonight?

Is there merit in trying to guess

Or second guess?

And what are we counting down to?

Another ten seconds of our

Life go by

As we look to the next year,

Which will come if we

Watch the parties on T.V. or not.

A funny thing about those

Televised countdowns,

One station tells you

5 seconds left,

The other tells you 7.

Does it even matter?

i want to leave you with this poem about the light inside of us and how we can change the world. that's all she wanted to do; change the world. and change it she did. she changed me. she changed everyone she touched. and her light shines on inside those who loved her. be kind to yourself, and let your light shine ...

Personal light

Each of us has our own little light inside

And after we die various things can happen to that light:

Some lights fade away into the darkness and nobody notices or cares about the loss of their light

Some lights shine brightly, but nobody wants or needs their light and some

Even despise the suffering the light brings

Other lights shine with a loving glow that encompasses all

Anyone who has ever felt the warmth of these beams keep a little glimmer of

Them with them wherever they go

These lights remain brilliant and everlasting

Every person chooses which light will shine within themselves and the type

Of light that will shine after them

(you can) light up the world (forever)

By Gigi

Saturday June 11, 1994