why i love harry potter

“No story lives unless someone wants to listen. The stories we love best do live in us forever. So whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.” 
― J.K. Rowling

today is jk rowlings' birthday. in honour of that, i decided to write about why i love harry potter. this post is very self-satisfying. because i truly love harry potter. 

a recent study showed that harry potter teaches children to stand up for marginalized people and to fight against bigotry. 

"[...] researchers credited the books with improving the readers' ability to assume the perspective of marginalized groups. They also claimed that young children, with the help of a teacher, were able to understand that Harry's frequent support of "mudbloods" was an allegory towards bigotry in real-life society." http://mic.com/articles/95236/psychologists-find-a-surprising-thing-happens-to-kids-who-read-harry-potter

when i was in university, i found myself in my first real bout of depression. only i didn't know what was going on. i simply knew that i was sad, lonely, and alone. 

“Facing this stuff, in real life is not like school, in school, if you make a mistake you can just try again tomorrow, but out there...when your a second away from being murdered or watching a friend die right before your eyes...you don't know what that's like.” 
― J.K. Rowling

i was living in a city far from home - on the other end of the country in fact. and for christmas i received the first harry potter book which i read in 2 days. 

there were only 3 books at the time and i spent the next 6 months reading them cover to cover over and over again. escaping into the world of harry potter got me through those long 8 months of school and through my depression. 

my family began buying me harry potter items until i amassed a room full of paraphernalia.  

harry potter taught the true meaning of friendship. 

it taught that love endures.

“He must have known I'd want to leave you."
"No, he must have known you would always want to come back.” 
― J.K. Rowling

harry potter taught that friends stick together and can accomplish anything. harry, ron, and hermione become friends while defeating a mountain troll - something that brought them together. 

“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other.” 
― J.K. Rowling,
pain ...

“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” 
― J.K. Rowling

harry potter, though a fantasy world, dealt with real emotions and real situations like death and loss. harry experiences hormonal changes, the death of his parents, the death of his godfather, the loss of important people in his life. and dumbledore expresses is so succinctly "you care so mcuh you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it." ... that feeling of caring so much that it hurts. that's a feeling we all have at some point in our lives. as well as the feeling of wanting to give up. 

“We can't choose our fate, but we can choose others. Be careful in knowing that.” 
― J.K. Rowling

our actions and our choices impact other people's lives. we choose the fate of other people's lives by the ways that we choose to interact with them. 

“We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.” 
― J.K. Rowling

our choices and actions define us as people. we are all capable of horrors, but most of us choose not to play out those horrors. 

harry potter is the ultimate battle between light and dark. more so than star wars even, in my humble opinion. the characters are constantly faced with opportunities to turn to the dark side or to turn to the light side. even draco malfoy's mother finds redemption in her love for her son. 

neville longbottom ...

"Neville understands that it’s not about being loud and brash every day, it’s about picking your battles and knowing what’s dear and worth fighting for." - EMILY ASHER-PERRIN


from the very beginning, neville picks his battles, stands up for what is right, and embraces the heroic. neville holds all of harry's secrets and could choose to betray him, but instead continues his role of hero right to the very end. 

for more on neville as hero, see http://www.tor.com/blogs/2013/11/neville-longbottom-is-the-most-important-person-in-harry-potter


harry potter taught us: 

• to never judge people. snape, for example, was the ultimate villain from the first book, and yet he turned out to be the ultimate sacrificing hero. 
• friendship and bravery are more important that cleverness. 
• never lose sight of the future that you want to have. 
• there is always light, even in the darkest times.
• love is powerful. 
• friendship is more important than brute strength. 

i remember seeing the first movie for the very first time. it was like the magical fantasy world and story that meant so much to me was up on the large screen, come to life for me to lose myself in all over again. 

i continue to love harry potter. it continues to be an escape from reality into an incredibly detailed world. a world that will always feel real to me. 

in closing ... here are 2 pieces of advice:


“Never tickle a sleeping dragon.” 
― J.K. Rowling

and

“One can never have enough socks” 
― J.K. Rowling

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

eating mindfully

so ... many of you know that geneen roth is my guru. but you might not know why. i have been trying to follow her eating guidelines for almost a year now, but over the last month i have been following them more carefully and i have noticed a real difference. here guidelines are: 

• Eat when you are hungry.
• Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
• Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
• Eat what your body wants.
• Eat until you are satisfied.
• Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
• Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Eating-Guidelines-Women-Food-and-God

these are not easy things to do, as simple as they seem. but wow they make a difference in the way my body feels, and in my relationship to food. i have barely eaten any chocolate in a couple of months. and i LOVE chocolate. i was addicted to chocolate. i needed it every day. but when i slowed down, ate chocolate without distractions, and listened to what my body wanted, i discovered that i don't actually like the chocolate that i have been eating. so i don't crave it. and not craving it means not eating it. the same is true with chips. 

now, if i WANT chips, i eat them. but only if i feel hungry. and most of the time, after dinner i am not hungry. 

the other thing that i am doing is making sure that i am eating regularly throughout the day. eating what i want, trying to enjoy it, and stopping when i am satisfied (not full). 

these are things that might sound normal to some of you. but my relationship with food has never been healthy. which has made me unhealthy. 

by eating regularly, following geneen roth's guidelines, and allowing myself to enjoy eating, my relationship with food is changing. 

the fact is, diets don't work for me. for every diet there is an equal binge. by restricting, i end up desiring. craving. bingeing. 

diets work for me in the short term. i lose weight. but then i can't keep it off. because of my unhealthy relationship with food. so i yo yo. 

i am a textbook. 

at the beginning of july, i was the heaviest that i have ever been. which was 3 lbs heavier than i was the first time i did weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. i was miserable looking at the scale. i was miserable trying on clothes. 

over the last month, by eating regularly, eating whatever i want, listening to my body, and not restricting, i have actually lost 15 lbs. by NOT dieting. 

we shall see if this trend continues. but it is pretty amazing to me that eating makes me lose weight, and restricting makes me gain weight. it seems counter intuitive. 

i would love to lie and say that it doesn't matter whether or not i lose weight. but this body feels so full and heavy and it's hard to get up the energy to do physical activity. so i DO want to lose weight.  

i encourage you to try the eating guidelines and allow yourself to have a healthy relationship with food. and if you already have a healthy relationship with food, i feel happy for you and hope that i can one day feel as you do. in the meanwhile, i will struggle to learn not to hate eating, not to restrict my food, and not to hate food. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

what to say to someone struggling with depression

have you seen that commercial where the voice over says "where does depression hurt? everywhere." well this is true. 

and today, after being told that i need to "do something about" my depression, as if i haven't spent the last 7 months healing and struggling to stay afloat ... i decided to write a blog post about what to say to someone suffering with depression. because telling someone to suck it up, to get over it, to figure it out, or to do something about it ... well those aren't helpful. at all. just saying. 

Understanding depression in a friend or family member:

• Depression is a serious condition. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.
• The symptoms of depression aren’t personal. Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional level with anyone, even the people he or she loves most. In addition, depressed people often say hurtful things and lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so try not to take it personally.
• Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. Don’t be an enabler. It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.
• You can’t “fix” someone else’s depression. Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. You’re not to blame for your loved one’s depression or responsible for his or her happiness (or lack thereof). Ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

here are 15 things you can say to someone suffering with depression:

1. someone with depression is looking for understanding, empathy, and the feeling of being heard. so say something that acknowledges that it sucks.

2. let the person know that you are there for them if they need you. 

3. offer to go for a walk, to talk, or to go for coffee with the person. 

4. ask if there is anything you can do.

5. let the person know that they are not alone.

6. let the person know that they matter. that they are important to you. 

7. offer a hug.

8. acknowledge that the feelings are real and that person is not crazy. 

9. remind the person that there will be an end. that they wont always feel this way. and that you will be there through it. 

10. let them know that they will survive this. 

11. acknowledge that you don't know what they are feeling, but that you will try to understand. 

12. recognize that isolation is a symptom of depression. don't be put off by being put off. 

13. be a good listener. don't offer advice if it isn't asked for. 

14. instead of trying to convince the person that their feelings are irrational, try saying "i'm sorry you feel that way." 

15.  ask if the person has sought professional help. offer to help them find professional help - to go with them to the doctor, to a therapist, or to the hospital if necessary. 

be honest with yourself about your own feelings and talk to someone else if you are feeling overwhelmed by a friend or loved one's depression.

depression is an illness. and it isn't fun. and it isn't something that anyone wishes upon themselves or brings upon themselves. it isn't something that you can just suck up and carry on, or easily fix. and it is something that will come and go throughout life. 

so the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone to suck it up or get over it ... the next time you find yourself wanting to say, "i know how you feel, i was really sad when my dog died." ... look at this list and find something helpful to say instead. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

blogging

“Blogging is to writing what extreme sports are to athletics: more free-form, more accident-prone, less formal, more alive. It is, in many ways, writing out loud.”- Andrew Sullivan

why do i blog? 

i have found that my writing is often as much for me as it is for the people who read me. 

“Writing is the only way I have to explain my own life to myself.” 
― Pat Conroy

i work out a lot of the things in my head through my writing. it is how i sort out my ideas, thoughts, dreams, frustrations, and inspirations. and by sharing these things in a blog, maybe one person will take something from my sorting and apply it to their own life. i have to believe that someone is getting something from my writing as i am at nearly 14,000 page views. mostly from the USA and russia. 

“My blog is a collection of answers people don’t want to hear to questions they didn’t ask.” 
― Sebastyne Young

i do often wonder if i am babbling. or if people are skimming my writing and moving on to their next thing. my blog is a collection of thoughts on random ideas from my head. 

“She logged in and read a few of her old posts, smiling at the issues she had raged about and shaking her head at how some of the rants now seemed pretentious and judgmental. She had grown so much without even realizing she had. Mythili typed out the draft, spicing it up subtly and after a last read, she published it. Admiring the brand new post on her main page, she realized she missed writing. She had barely written anything since her last by-line. Typing this out, she felt like she was back with a long-lost friend who understood her. It was like snuggling up in a warm blanket when a thunderstorm raged outside.” 
― Shweta Ganesh Kumar

writing has got to be my most favourite thing to do. and sharing my writing makes me feel heard and understood. blogging is a way to share my writing easily. 

“In a sense who you are has always been a story that you told to yourself. Now your self is a story that you tell to others.” 
― Geoff Ryman

telling my story and sharing my SELF with others makes me feel like i matter. little insignificant me in this vast world. 

“Blogging isn’t about publishing as much as you can. It’s about publishing as smart as you can.” 
― Jon Morrow

lately i haven't been blogging daily. and that is because i don't want to write random posts that are meaningless. i wait until i have a topic that i feel passionate about discussing, or when someone gives me an idea, or when i have a burst of inspiration. sometimes it happens daily, and other times there is a space of time in between. 

writing is my passion. what is yours?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

brene brown

last night, radical t and i were talking about connection and its importance in our lives. radical t reminded me that brene brown states that we, as humans, are hard wired for connection. i then went to bed and read some brene brown. i wanted to share some of her gems of wisdom ... 

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ..............  “Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”  
― Brené Brown


connecting with others makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. it gives us a sense of belonging and a reason to be here on this planet. 

“Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.” 
― Brené Brown

connecting doesn't happen with everyone. i can't be authentic with my students all the time. i'm not authentic with the grocery store clerk. i make my connections with the people in life who matter. finding the right people to make connections with means figuring out who makes you feel heard and valued.

“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” 
― Brené Brown

suffering is what happens when there is a lack of connection. not connecting with people leaves you feeling lost, undervalued, unheard, and not belonging. loneliness leads to numbing through things like addictions, eating disorders, anxiety, depression ... 

“There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

letting yourself be seen is the scariest and bravest choice that you can make. it means living an authentic life. telling your story to those who deserve to hear it. 

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” 
― Brené Brown

i used to be an expert on numbing emotions. i found many non-unique ways to rid myself of painful emotions which led to the ridding of positive emotions. you can't feel joy if you don't allow yourself to feel grief. 

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

being courageous and being seen is the opposite of numbing emotions. showing yourself to the people who you can make real connections with is a way to feel like you belong. courage and authenticity go hand in hand. 

“If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken. In this way, we need to cultivate our story to let go of shame, and we need to develop shame resilience in order to cultivate our story.” 
― Brené Brown

i have chosen this blog as a way to tell my story. by sharing my story with the world, although anonymously, my shame loses its power. and by sharing even more details about my story with people who have earned the right to hear it, shame disappears. 

“the culture of shame is driven by fear, blame and disconnection and it's often a powerful incubator for issues like perfectionism, stereotyping, gossip and addiction” 
― Brené Brown

disconnection happens when shame is allowed to fester and run your life. disconnection is the opposite of feeling seen, heard, and valued. 

“In our technology-crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected. Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face-to-face with the people we care about.” 
― Brené Brown

i spend way too much time on the computer. communicating through social media, blogging, and texting, and until i really thought about it, i thought that it was connecting. but it's important to get off the techno, and come face to face with the people that matter in our lives. 

try it. 

be kind to yourself, 
and most importantly ...

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” 
― Brené Brown

xoxo

...

a conversation with martha

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 
― Corrie ten Boom

in my last post, i shared that i have named my anxiety martha. i imagine her as a 75 year old plump and grumpy woman. she likes to knit and nag. and nag and nag and nag. she sits in her rocking chair and tells me all the bad things that are going to happen to me. 

here is what a conversation with martha would sound like:

Me: i have to drive home from the cottage. look, someone has a flat tire.

Martha: you're going to have a flat tire. watch out for that bump. 

Me: it's just a bump.

Martha: nope, it's a bump that is going to pop your tire. and then you'll have to call a tow truck and ride in with with SC and the dog for 2 1/2 hours.

Me: it's just a bump.

Martha: nope.

Me: okay, we passed the bump and no flat tire.

Martha: your tire is going to explode. at some point on this drive. 

Me: really?

Martha: really. it's going to explode and you'll have to sit on the side of the road for hours waiting for CAA to come with a tow truck. 

Me: it's not going to explode.

Martha: what's that sound?

Me: what sound?

Martha: the rattling squeaking sound.

Me: i don't know.

Martha: the car is going to spontaneously burst into flames. 

Me: really?

Martha: yes, i told you that you should have taken the car in for a check-up. and you should have gotten an oil change. and you really should pull over the car right now. right, right NOW. because the car is going to burst into flames with you in it. seriously, pull over.

Me: i can't pull over. i want to pull over. because i know you're right. but i can't pull over here. 

Martha: you should have pulled over while you had the chance. you're an idiot. and now you're going to be an idiot with a flat tire, and a car in flames. 

Me: i'm an idiot. 

what would a conversation with your anxiety sound like? who wins, you or your anxiety? lots of times my anxiety wins. lots and lots of times. the trick is to find a way to tell your martha that she isn't wanted, that she isn't invited, and that you don't want her around. sending away your anxiety and telling it that it doesn't run your life is one way to deal with anxiety. 

“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.” 
― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

naming your anxiety is another way to separate it from yourself. you are not your anxiety, you are having anxiety. by naming it, you are giving it a separate identity and putting distance between you and your anxiety. 

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” 
― Epictetus

martha and i are safely home from the cottage now. no flat tire, and no flames. in case you were worried like i was. 

in the meanwhile ...

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Anxious Martha

Solitude. 

It doesn't have to be lonely. I am sitting on the porch at the cottage listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the shoreline and trying to convince myself that it is enjoyable to be alone. 

Sometimes being alone is great. Time to think. Time to recharge. Time to reflect, rejuvenate ... Other times it's just lonely. 

The truth is, I keep thinking about my anxiety. 

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."

Charles Spurgeon

I have named my anxiety Martha. 

Martha is a 75 year old plump old woman who likes to knit in her rocking chair. She likes to nag and harp on the same topic repeatedly. Her current obsession is money and the lack of it. She worries constantly about how to spend money and how to save it. But she's not helpful. She just nags. 

Martha is smart and knows how to scare me. She whispers all day long until she convinces me that the car is going to explode, or some such nonsense. And even though I KNOW it not to be true, I can't help but listen to her. 

Martha is bossy too. She tells me not to do things like go out to parties or try new things. 

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

Soren Kierkegaard

I am trying to think of ways to send Martha away when she gets persistent. I've tried talking to her. But seeing as she is my anxiety and not an actual person, sometimes that feels really dumb. But I keep telling her she isn't welcome. That she wasn't invited to the party, I was. She wasn't asked out to coffee, I was. 

"I think anxiety is dangerous, but it makes you think it's your friend."

Noah Baumbach

If you could name your anxiety, what would its name be? What would its personality be? And how would you tell it to leave you alone? 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

what i learned from pokey sue

pokey sue is my acupuncturist. i hate acupuncture. i hate needles. but i love the feeling of being the centre of attention and care for an hour. and i love the balance i feel after treatment. 

i wanted to write about the lessons i have learned from pokey sue over the last 3 years ...

1. you wouldn't eat garbage, so why would you listen to people who speak garbage? why would you take in their words? learn to separate the garbage from the healthy words and take in only those words that are good for you. 

2. if you cut a quince and take out the seeds, and soak the seeds in water overnight, and then drink the goo that forms, it will coat your sore throat ... it also tastes like goo and makes you gag, but that's beside the point ... (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-quinces.html)

3. celery can be put in the blender, drained, and drunk, helping to lower your blood sugar. it also tastes like crap. which is surprising because i love celery. but i don't like it as a drink. as a drink it is very nasty. 

4. lemon trees are hard to grow. (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/pokey-sues-plant-predicament.html)

5. truth can set you free and break a million hearts at once. 

6. willpower comes from hope. and when you lose hope, you lose your willpower. 

7. focusing on the positives are important. 

8. everyday, wake up and tell yourself that you are worthy and deserving. 

9. there are people in this world who care so much about other people that they devote their career to caring for them - even if that means stabbing them with needles.

10. plants have similar reactions to lie detectors that humans do. plants have been shown to react to negative and positive stimuli. 

11. stick tea shrinks cysts.

12. love is the most important emotion. 

13. different parts of your body have different times that they are ... i dunno, active? 

14. people come in and out of your life at different times to teach you things. some people can really touch your life without them even knowing it. 

what lessons have you been taught?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

owning your feelings

it's easy for us to admit and own our kindness, our happiness, our helpfulness. but LES suggested i write about owning our anger, our frustration, and those emotions that we think of as "bad." to own your feelings means to admit that you have those feelings, to accept the feeling, to feel it, and to express it in a healthy way. 

“We think too much and feel too little.” 
― Charles Chaplin

i have written before about there being no such thing as good or bad emotions, there are just emotions. and they ebb and flow. and they are all okay. 

but how do we actually own those emotions that we try hard to pretend that we don't have: jealousy, rage, frustration, anger, disappointment ... 

... as a child, my family didn't talk about emotions. but if i expressed any of those "bad" emotions, i was taught to bury it and be a good girl. good girls don't get angry. good girls aren't jealous or disappointed. good girls smile and accept what life hands them. 

“Emotions come and go and can't be controlled so there's no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

in my life, i have faced experiences that have left me feeling lonely, and empty, and i didn't know how to handle those feelings because i was taught to suck it up and be good. 

“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.” 
― Khalil Gibran

good girls don't express their feelings, they hold them in. 

i have been thinking a lot about loss lately and my reactions to the losses i have faced in life. 

i shut down years ago and found ways to numb myself from the pain of loss. one of those ways was food, another was sedatives, and another was to shut down part of my heart to protect myself from further loss. 

had i been taught how to own my emotions and to express them in healthy ways, i think my life would have been very different. 

now, i blog. blogging is how i sort out my thoughts and my feelings. 

“Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.” 
― José N. Harris

so how do we own our emotions? what can we DO with those emotions that scare us?

yell
sing
run
walk
jump
scream
do yoga
breathe
mediate
talk
write
call a friend
listen to music
make music
draw
sculpt
cry
take a bath

find something to do that makes you feel good. allow yourself to feel the emotion. there is nothing wrong with feeling. there is nothing wrong with being jealous, angry, hurt, disappointed ... there is nothing wrong with feelings. 

how we act upon our feelings is a whole other story. i am not suggesting you take out your rage on someone else. that isn't healthy. neither is it healthy to take out your rage on yourself. and yet, it is okay to FEEL rage and to express yourself in healthy safe ways. through writing, for example. and then tearing up your writing. 

the truth is ... i am telling myself this as much as i am telling you. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

death

death. 

no one wants to talk about it. but the fact is, it's a part of our life. 

this post might be hard for some people to read. because it is sad.  

so i am giving you fair warning that it might bring up past experiences for you and you might want to stop reading now. i won't be offended or sad if you decide not to read this post. if you stop reading now, be kind to yourself, 
xoxo
...

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” 
― Mitch Albom

my friend asked me to blog about how to deal with death. frankly, i don't know. i have faced the deaths of dear friends, of students, of my grandmother, of aunts and uncles. and i will continue to experience death and loss because i love so deeply. 

for awhile, i thought it would be easier not to love at all. if you don't love, you don't feel, and you don't lose. 

“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” 
― J.K. Rowling

but life is about loving. and i have a huge heart. 

so what to write about ... 

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 
― Lemony Snicket

... loss. i experienced a loss today. someone that i care about very much emailed to say that they were going away and wouldn't be in my life anymore. although this was a healthcare practitioner, we have built a relationship over the last 3 years of seeing her weekly. she knows intimate details of my life. and i will miss her deeply. 

... loss ... how do you talk to someone who is experiencing loss? is there a right way and a wrong way? 

“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?” 
― Jodi Picoult

first of all, don't say "it will be alright" because it wont. don't say "it was meant to be" because that\s just shitty. don't say "s/he's in a better place" because a better place would be here with their loved ones. 

Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

Source: American Hospice Foundation

second, listen. no one experiencing loss needs advice. they need an ear, a shoulder, a friend. just listen. just be there. distract if they ask for distraction. make them laugh if they want to laugh. and let them cry if they want to cry. listen with compassion and an open mind. 

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” 
― Haruki Murakami

third, be willing to show empathy and to face the darkness that surrounds the loss. don't be afraid of that darkness. we all have faced it, or will. the darkness will not overcome you. don't be afraid of the grief the other person is experiencing. it won't hurt you. it may touch you, and it may be hard. so self-care is important. as nosy nora once told me, listen but don't hold onto it. 

here are some tips from the american cancer society:

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Source: American Cancer Society

most of all, be there. loss and death are dark and scary and most of us don't know how to deal with it ourselves let alone with other people. but be there. because your friends and loved ones need you. and one day, they will remember what you did for them and will be there for you too. 

“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.” 
― Charles Bukowski


be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

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