brene brown

last night, radical t and i were talking about connection and its importance in our lives. radical t reminded me that brene brown states that we, as humans, are hard wired for connection. i then went to bed and read some brene brown. i wanted to share some of her gems of wisdom ... 

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ..............  “Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”  
― Brené Brown


connecting with others makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. it gives us a sense of belonging and a reason to be here on this planet. 

“Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.” 
― Brené Brown

connecting doesn't happen with everyone. i can't be authentic with my students all the time. i'm not authentic with the grocery store clerk. i make my connections with the people in life who matter. finding the right people to make connections with means figuring out who makes you feel heard and valued.

“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” 
― Brené Brown

suffering is what happens when there is a lack of connection. not connecting with people leaves you feeling lost, undervalued, unheard, and not belonging. loneliness leads to numbing through things like addictions, eating disorders, anxiety, depression ... 

“There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

letting yourself be seen is the scariest and bravest choice that you can make. it means living an authentic life. telling your story to those who deserve to hear it. 

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” 
― Brené Brown

i used to be an expert on numbing emotions. i found many non-unique ways to rid myself of painful emotions which led to the ridding of positive emotions. you can't feel joy if you don't allow yourself to feel grief. 

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

being courageous and being seen is the opposite of numbing emotions. showing yourself to the people who you can make real connections with is a way to feel like you belong. courage and authenticity go hand in hand. 

“If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken. In this way, we need to cultivate our story to let go of shame, and we need to develop shame resilience in order to cultivate our story.” 
― Brené Brown

i have chosen this blog as a way to tell my story. by sharing my story with the world, although anonymously, my shame loses its power. and by sharing even more details about my story with people who have earned the right to hear it, shame disappears. 

“the culture of shame is driven by fear, blame and disconnection and it's often a powerful incubator for issues like perfectionism, stereotyping, gossip and addiction” 
― Brené Brown

disconnection happens when shame is allowed to fester and run your life. disconnection is the opposite of feeling seen, heard, and valued. 

“In our technology-crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected. Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face-to-face with the people we care about.” 
― Brené Brown

i spend way too much time on the computer. communicating through social media, blogging, and texting, and until i really thought about it, i thought that it was connecting. but it's important to get off the techno, and come face to face with the people that matter in our lives. 

try it. 

be kind to yourself, 
and most importantly ...

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” 
― Brené Brown

xoxo

...

wants, needs, and shame

"we all struggle with feelings of not being good enough, not having enough and not belonging enough. i have found that the most effective way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy is to share our experiences. of course, in this culture, telling our stories takes courage." - Brene Brown

i have been wanting to find the courage to work my way through shame by fulfilling my need to tell my stories. and i have found lately that what we want and what we need are not always compatible.  i want to be able to go back to work and function. i want to be able to give the best of myself in my job. i need to take care of myself and i need to take some more time off. 

i need to get to a point where i am in balance. where my wants and my needs don't out-weigh each other. and, where my needs don't cause me to feel shame. 

what i crave most in the world is connection. i think that is normal. i think it is what AG called "the human condition." what we all want and need is connection, acceptance, and belonging. 

and when our needs outweigh our wants, or worse, cancel out our wants, we are afraid that we will be judged, unaccepted, and that we will no longer have a sense of belonging. sometimes our wants make us feel the same way. 

"shame unravels our connection to others. in fact, i often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection - the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

when i am so busy worrying about what others will think of me and my story, i spiral into what Brene Brown called a "shame storm" where feelings of shame beget more feelings of shame. 

but what is shame? it is not the same thing as feeling embarrassed or humiliated. if my pants feel down while walking down the street, i would be embarrassed. if i farted loudly at the front of the classroom while teaching a lesson on synonyms, i would be humiliated. but in both those case, i would still feel a sense of belonging and connection. i wouldn't feel shame. Brene Brown defines shame as:

"[...] the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

women feel shame when they can't live up to the unrealistic standards that have been set out for them. i feel shame when i can't do what i expect myself to be able to do. 

i expect myself to be able to take care of everyone around me and put myself last. i expect myself to function fully without letting my feelings interfere with what has to get done. i expect myself to put both my wants and needs last, behind everyone else's. 

my needs make me feel shame. my need to connect, my need to feel like i belong, my need to reach out to people for support, for love, for compassion, for understanding. my needs leave me in a shame storm.

shame is the belief that our stories will make us less than everyone else. but if we all feel this sense of shame, then our belonging and connection to each other comes from being willing to share our stories, to tell our truths, and to let our needs take the forefront of our lives. 


i leave you with this thought ...

"you cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviours." - Brene Brown

and that includes your own behaviours ... you cannot shame or belittle yourself into making changes in your life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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