Birthday message

Today, I give myself a birthday message. 

I am enough.

        I am worthy. 

               I am deserving. 

today, my 37th birthday, i wish my Self, happiness, serenity, and healing. 

i give to myself the gift of being kind and compassionate, not only to others, but also to my Self. 

i aim to embrace myself, as i am, waiting for my wings to grow.

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

gratitude

"cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously." - ralph waldo emerson


today AS, CJ, and CG came to help us declutter our house. after reorganizing the kitchen and bagging up at least a tonne of stuff to donate, i was sitting by myself waiting for pizza to be delivered ... everyone else was in the basement organizing ... and i began to cry. 

i cried because i don't believe myself worthy or deserving of such kindness. i was overcome with gratitude and overwhelmed by the kindness being bestowed upon us. 

thank you AS, CJ, and CG for your help today. thank you for uplifting my heart, and allowing me to experience such gratitude towards you. 

"piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude." - a.a. milne

be kind to yourself, and find a way to express your gratitude, even if it is only to yourself ...

xoxo

...

Inspiration

i want to inspire people. i want this blog to be inspiring ... the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me was that they were able to come out because i did first. that i made it okay, and safe. 

instead of trying too hard to be an inspiration, i thought that i would share with you some of the things that inspire me ...

i spend way too much time worrying about the mean people in my life and what i have done wrong to bring on the meanness. the truth is, it has nothing to do with me. their wounds, their darkness, their struggles bring out a mean and nasty way of treating people that is both beyond my control, and entirely not my fault. 

no one lives in a vacuum with one challenge. no one exists as on identity. our identities are multifaceted, as are our struggles. 

sharing your darkness with others is terrifying and liberating. my biggest fear is that people will leave me if they knew who i truly am. and i have learned over the last year that the people who stay are my true friends. the people who know my darkness, face it, and accept it, are the people who will be here for me for many, many years to come. 

wow. that one gets me every time. enough is in "relationship to what you already have." as a person who is always worried about not having enough and not getting enough, this always stops me in my tracks. i have enough love, enough food, enough support, enough friendship, enough greatness. and yet, i always feel like i will lose it all, so i gather it as close to me as i can get it. i worry about never eating chocolate again, so i feel like i can't get enough of it and i eat too much. i worry about my friends leaving me, so i gather them under my wings and sometimes hold them too tightly. and i reach out constantly to nosy nora, afraid that the connection to her, and the support from her will cease to exist. 

there is no point in getting into loud screaming matches. i spent much of my childhood being yelled at. and i have learned that it is the words you use to stand up for yourself and to speak your truth, not the volume of your voice. 

a process. a big, long, complicated, messy process. healing takes time. do you remember the rice krispies commercial where the mom is in the kitchen reading a book and the kids and dad call from the other room "are they ready yet?" and the says "these things take time!"? and then she splashes herself with flour and makes it look like she worked really hard ... it reminds me of healing and changing. "these things take time" and these things are hard work, but only as hard as we make them. softening yourself to the changes and the healing will allow them to happen. giving yourself time, and being compassionate with yourself will allow them to happen. even though you need to be patient. 

sometimes i just need to vent. period. 

see previous post here on how we treat ourselves. 

we are all in this life thing together, as nosy nora likes to tell me. she also says we all need each other. i have tried for a very long time to do it all by myself - to live i mean. but the reality is that my friends have ignited in me many hopes, dreams, loves, desires, longings, and passion. and i am grateful to all of them. 

i spend way to much time wanting what i don't have, planning how to get it, and working towards that goal. what i need to do is to look at what i already have, enjoy that, and LIVE. 

permission to feel good ... wow. i don't know about you, but i spend so much time worrying about the feelings of other people that i rarely pay attention to my needs or my feelings. and when i do pay attention, it is to all the negative feelings and the hardships of my life. permission to feel good. permission to admit that there are many wonderful aspects of my life. i like that idea ... putting into practice is another story. 

i have been letting go of people and things in my life that do not give me what i deserve. and i have been asking for what i deserve from the people who i don't want to let go. and it is really, really HARD, and really, really IMPORTANT. if you aren't already doing it ... start now ... RIGHT NOW!

waiting to be rich, waiting to be thin, waiting to get promoted, waiting to have kids, waiting to buy a house, waiting for the next thing. waiting for you life to begin. guess what? first, your life began a very long time ago when you were born. and second, waiting isn't living. you have a life, here and now. you have a life worth living because you are worthy as you are. think about it. try it. try living the life you have right now. 

as always ... 

be kind to yourself ...

xoxo

...

PCOS

i have been getting a lot of questions lately about PCOS; what it is, how it affects me ...

so i thought i would give my readers a quick PCOS lesson. 

the main thing i have found is that most people have never heard of it, know nothing about it, and don't understand what a profound affect it has on the people who have it. 

basically, i hate it. it makes the hair on my head fall out, but grow on other parts of my body. it gives me acne. it gives me what is called "brain fog" (which for me is aggravated by my fibromyalgia diagnosis that also causes brain fog). PCOS causes weight gain. it made getting pregnant super tricky, because i don't ovulate without medication. it makes me have all these eating rules, and can lead to diabetes and other awesome diseases. 

mostly, it makes me feel like my body is in control of me instead of me being in control of my body. 


Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a hormonal disorder that affects many women. infrequent periods, skin tags, pelvic pain, anxiety, depression, excess hair growth everywhere but your head, hair loss, acne, weight gain, dandruff, oily skin, lack of ovulation, and the growth of cysts in the ovaries ... just a few of the symptoms that make this disorder oh so much fun. 

increased androgens are the cause of the pesky symptoms.

there are many things that women with PCOS have to be aware of as we make our lifestyle choices. according to the mayo clinic:

Having polycystic ovary syndrome makes the following conditions more likely, especially if obesity also is a factor:

• Type 2 diabetes
• High blood pressure
• Cholesterol and lipid abnormalities, such as elevated triglycerides or low high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol, the "good" cholesterol
• Elevated levels of C-reactive protein, a cardiovascular disease marker
• Metabolic syndrome, a cluster of signs and symptoms that indicate a significantly increased risk of cardiovascular disease
• Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis, a severe liver inflammation caused by fat accumulation in the liver
• Sleep apnea
• Abnormal uterine bleeding
• Cancer of the uterine lining (endometrial cancer), caused by exposure to continuous high levels of estrogen
• Gestational diabetes or pregnancy-induced high blood pressure, if you do become pregnant

well that's just a happy list, isn't it?

PCOS affects not just our physical health, but our mental health as well. PCOS can cause what feels like a decline in femininity. the hair loss and excess hair growth in awkward places makes us feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. 

i know what i need to do to feel better and control the symptoms. there are many natural ways. i find it hard because it feels like someone is bossing me into taking care of myself instead of me being the boss of myself. and if you read my previous posts, you know how much that bothers me! 

click here and here for posts about control and being the boss of yourself. 

be informed, be aware, be kind to yourself,


xoxo

...

never give up

i have been receiving comments from people lately about this blog and how they connect to my stories - my truths. readers have been offering me their own stories, their own truths. some are heart-breaking, some inspiring. all are valuable. 

i have been sharing with readers, and readers have been sharing with me. i take as much from you who read my blog as you are taking from my writing. this sharing of knowledge, of wisdom, gives me the strength and courage to keep writing. 

one of the emails i received was about tenacity. so i started to think about the ability to face a challenge, to look it in the face, and to keep going.  

change is hard. change is a long process. a winding path that doubles back on itself in crazy loops. 2 steps forward, 73 steps back ... ok, maybe 1 step back. the magic won't happen if you give up. the magic comes from tenacity. my point is, that anything worth doing takes time - sometimes a LOT of time. but don't give up on your dreams, on your goals, on your SELF. 

be kind to yourself, and "don't quit too soon!"

xoxo

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vulnerability part 2

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Madeleine L'Engle

today, nosy nora told me that my blog is helping people. she told me that vulnerability, with maturity, means putting yourself out there, opening up, and not getting hurt the way you did as a child. 

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.Brene Brown

to stay out of the discomfort of vulnerability, i found ways to numb myself. i ignored my feelings, and i didn't share my stories out of fear of rejection and abandonment. 

what i have learned from allowing myself to be vulnerable, to be heard, and to be known, is that the people who love me - who truly and deeply love me - will stay BECAUSE of who i am, not in spite of it. 

In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you're strong enough to care.

Victoria Pratt

i care enough to share myself with others. with the people who have earned the right to hear my story. my vulnerability is seen as courage and strength. 

being seen is really scary. like, really, REALLY, scary. being seen means letting my darkness into the light. it means being willing to tell my truths. 

Through my research, I found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It's the magic sauce.

Brene Brown

being willing to tell my truths means forming relationships based on trust. 

i hope that you can find a way to "lean into" your vulnerability. 

monarch butterflies are the most vulnerable creature i know. they manage to find their way from canada to mexico, following the path their ancestors took. the route somehow ingrained in their dna. landing on the same trees their predecessors landed on. and then flying all the way back to canada to lay their eggs and start the process again. the eggs are left on their own, and the caterpillar somehow knows to eat milkweed, which is poisonous to other critters. and then it just knows to spin a chrysalis and trust that as they dissolve into a goo, they will weather the storms until they re-form themselves as a completely different creature. 

if a monarch can do all that, then you can share your stories. email me your story and i will happily share it here, under your name or a pseudonym. i look forward to hearing from you. 

be kind and truthful to yourself, 

xoxo

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Your life under a microscope

lately i have been obsessed with butterflies. this means that i notice them wherever i go. it also means that people point out butterflies to me when they see them. (See these previous posts re: butterflies: click here, click here, click here, click here)

http://distractify.com/geek/butterflies-are-natures-gems-but-wait-until-you-see-what-their-wings-look-like-under-a-microscope/

today, SC sent me these photos of butterfly wings seen under a microscope. they are really cool. so i decided to share them here with my readers. aren't they gorgeous? i love science! 

the photos made me think about how my life has been under a microscope lately. visiting with various doctors and specialists, my regular therapy appointments, debriefing all these appointments with my friends, and even writing this blog ... 

... each part of my life is being questioned, discussed, examined. 

i spend a great deal of time in my head, thinking about every little thing that has happened to me. looking at the tiny details. exploring what those details mean. while it is important, and enlightening ...

... it can feel very exposing to have your life under a microscope. each doctor wants to know the details. each doctor asks hard questions. questions that, through therapy, i have answers for, but don't know if i want to share these answers with a stranger. and other answers, i don't have yet and maybe never will. 

each day i am faced with another memory from my life. another mean thing that was said to me. another mean thing that was done to me. another way that i was hurt, and wounded. another scar that i thought had healed. each day i examine my life under a microscope. 

it's time to see the big picture ... to step back from examining every detail of your life. 

my life is actually pretty awesome. i have a great job that i love. i have a fabulous partner, SC,  who loves me as deeply as i love her. i have an incredible group of friends who are actually there for me, in ways that i have never experienced before. i have people who care about me, and worry about me, and want me to be well and successful and happy. i have nosy nora in my corner, having my back. i have all those people loving me. i have a house to live in, food to eat, and i am relatively healthy. 

depression and anxiety makes life feel challening. childhood events, memories, trauma ... they make life difficult as well. and those experiences are real, and hard. and at the same time, there are many things in my life right now that are wonderful.

find ways to "get out of your head" as AG likes to tell me. nosy nora says watch a funny show like "modern family." or, you could read a book, go for a walk, play games with friends, go for a coffee date, write, sing, play, talk, nap, and give yourself a break from the hard stuff. take time to enjoy the NOW stuff. 

be kind to yourself,

ps ... tee hee hee ... a funny for your day ...

xoxo

...

how do you treat yourself?

think about how you treat your children ... think about how you treat the love of your life ... think about how you treat your grandmother 

... now think about how you treat yourself. 

what a concept! treating yourself as you would treat others ... it's like the golden rule backwards and turned inside out. do unto yourself as you would do unto those you love. 

so what would that look like? 

in the morning, i would wake up slowly and lay in bed, allowing myself time to relax. then i would get up and do yoga, 

followed by a sit down proper full breakfast with protein and fruit. 

i would ask myself how i am feeling, and i would decide what to do next based on how i feel. 

i would be gentle with myself. i would meditate. 

i would find the nicest clothes with the softest materials. i would dress myself in silk and cashmere. 

i would feed myself balanced meals filled with fruit and vegetables. i would never eat at macdonalds. i would never have crackers and call it lunch. 

i would only do work i loved. i would give myself hugs, and tell myself how much i love myself every day. i would spend money on things like regular massage therapy, yoga classes, music lessons, and soft fluffy pillows. 

i would surround myself with people who love me and who raise me up. i would laugh every day. a lot. i would tell myself how proud i am of my accomplishments. i would believe in myself. 

and yet, here i am, less than a week before my 37th birthday ...

... and i don't do these things. i don't treat myself the way that i treat the people that i love. 

why is that? 

why do we learn to put the needs of others before the needs of ourselves? how do we balance being kind to others with being kind to ourselves? how do we learn to do unto ourselves as we would do unto those we love?

i await your answers ... and in the meanwhile ...

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

bossy

i am the boss of me. 

i am in charge of my life. 

i get to make the decisions. 

i decide what i eat and when i eat. i decide what i wear. i decide what i am going to do. i decide what i am NOT going to do. i decide what i think. i decide. i decide. i decide. 

this is all according to nosy nora, of course. 

for me, the idea that i am in charge of my life is both thrilling and terrifying. 

since when am i trustworthy enough to be in charge of anything? i still can't believe that i am put in charge of the safety of children and their education on a daily basis! and now nosy nora wants me to be in charge of myself ?!?!

i really struggle with this idea of being an adult. i still wait for a parent figure to tell me what to do - to rescue me. to make me a dentist appointment (which is why my teeth haven't seen a dentist in a few years). to make an eye doctor appointment. to remember to pay the bills. to clean my house. 

being an adult involves being responsible for yourself. and i hate that. 

as a child, i was encouraged to be independent and responsible. i took care of my own needs by finding people to fill the roles that were missing from my life. i dealt with problems in school by myself. i met with teachers for parent interviews by myself. so i cling to the part that was taken care of for me, like cleaning the house, making medical appointments, paying the bills ... i wait for those things to be taken care of by someone else because i am still trying to be responsible for all the rest of it. 

being an adult sucks. it is terrifying to be in charge of everything having to do with myself and my well-being. 

and at the same time ... being an adult is thrilling ... i get to be responsible for making decisions. i get to decide what i eat, and when i eat, and what i wear, and when i go to bed, and IF i want to do ANYTHING at all !!!!! 


be kind to yourself ... listen to nosy nora and be your own boss

xoxo

ps ... nosy nora if  tells me to be to be the boss of myself, then is she not really the boss?
...

Holophrasis: no means no

have you ever struggled to find the words to say what you mean? 

there are often not enough words. so i resort to made up words like "grosh" which describes exactly how i feel when i am cranky. or "frizzle frazzle razzle dazzle" which expresses my frustration when i can't explain it. 

but i think the most important holophrasis is "NO."

NO NO NO NO NO. 

saying no is my biggest struggle. is it yours? i am constantly being asked to take on responsibilities and i always say yes. social situations when i am exhausted and not up to being with people are another time when no doesn't come to my lips.

i am a yesser. yes yes yes. all the time with the yes. unless it's about me, in which case i say no to myself quite often - no you can't buy yourself that dress, no you can't have that cookie, no you can't take time for yourself, no you can't stay home when there is a party going on. 

i learned early on that taking care of the needs of others was more important than taking care of my own needs. i heard no a lot growing up, but never learned to say it myself. i always feel like no will hurt someone's feelings - like no will be the end of the relationship.

LES said, "i grew up learning that my needs were secondary to others ... both my parents were care takers ... givers ... so i learned early on that it is ok to have needs but that the needs of others always come above your own."

nosy wise woman once said that no is easy ... "it starts with your tongue behind your teeth and ends with your lips in a circle." (gotta love a smartalec)

just in case you have trouble saying no ... here are some other words for "no"

absolutely not, most certainly not, of course not, under no circumstances, by no means, not at all, negative, never, not really, nope, uh uh, or even nay. 

or, there is always ...

be kind to yourself

xoxo

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