metanoia: the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.
i am on a journey. a journey to learn my self-worth. a journey to unlearn everything i was taught about myself ... because intellectually i know that all i have learned is untrue.
this is me at 13.
this is me when the children at school were calling me names and convincing me of how fat i was. they called me "whale woman" and "hippie the hippo" and told me i was fat every day.
i believed them.
i hid in the bathroom before and after school. i was sick to my stomach every day and i would throw up my lunch. i convinced myself that it was because of the torture that i was enduring (today we use the lame word "bullying" to describe the torture and terror i endured). but it had more to do with not wanting to be the fat girl that they called me.
looking at this photo now, i looked like everyone else.
looking at this photo, i can't believe how i saw myself.
looking at this photo, i can't believe what an influence those children had on me. and i have to remind myself that i was also a child; a child easily influenced by the constant barrage of taunting and terrorizing that i was forced to abide.
i look at my legs, my arms, my straight back, my shoulders ... how tall i sat ... like i was daring them to call me more names. like i was immune to their harassment.
i believed them.
i hid in the bathroom before and after school. i was sick to my stomach every day and i would throw up my lunch. i convinced myself that it was because of the torture that i was enduring (today we use the lame word "bullying" to describe the torture and terror i endured). but it had more to do with not wanting to be the fat girl that they called me.
looking at this photo now, i looked like everyone else.
looking at this photo, i can't believe how i saw myself.
looking at this photo, i can't believe what an influence those children had on me. and i have to remind myself that i was also a child; a child easily influenced by the constant barrage of taunting and terrorizing that i was forced to abide.
i look at my legs, my arms, my straight back, my shoulders ... how tall i sat ... like i was daring them to call me more names. like i was immune to their harassment.
at 13, i believed that i was more mature than all the other children in the school. i was treated like an adult and expected to behave like one - so i did.
and now i am on this journey to rediscover all the things that my 13 year old self missed out on.
i sent this post to CP to ask her what was missing. and she said, "what about the part where things were not her fault?" she said that the map of my journey can include the destination - where i want to go. even if i don't believe it yet.
so ... this journey means getting to a place where i can say, in all honesty, that the things that happened to my 13 year old self were not my fault. that the 13 year old is not to blame.
this journey means giving myself the right to be angry, to express that anger, and to speak my truth.
13 was a time for exploring identity - for discovering a sense of self. and social relationships were the most influential. my social relationships at this time were not positive. and this carried over for many years. because i learned to expect the worst, and not to demand any more.
i sent this post to CP to ask her what was missing. and she said, "what about the part where things were not her fault?" she said that the map of my journey can include the destination - where i want to go. even if i don't believe it yet.
so ... this journey means getting to a place where i can say, in all honesty, that the things that happened to my 13 year old self were not my fault. that the 13 year old is not to blame.
this journey means giving myself the right to be angry, to express that anger, and to speak my truth.
13 was a time for exploring identity - for discovering a sense of self. and social relationships were the most influential. my social relationships at this time were not positive. and this carried over for many years. because i learned to expect the worst, and not to demand any more.
13 is when you begin to discover your sexuality - to experiment with your body. 13 brings on puberty, hormonal changes, mood swings ...
13.
who knew that at 37 i would revert to my 13 year old self whenever things get rough? i swear that SHE is the one who has panic attacks and meltdowns. SHE is the one who cries.
this journey that i am on includes having to forgive my 13 year old self for things that she did, things that she allowed, things that she didn't do.
this journey means changing my mind, my heart, and my image of myself.
i hope you have a map for your own metanoia - your own journey.
13.
who knew that at 37 i would revert to my 13 year old self whenever things get rough? i swear that SHE is the one who has panic attacks and meltdowns. SHE is the one who cries.
this journey that i am on includes having to forgive my 13 year old self for things that she did, things that she allowed, things that she didn't do.
this journey means changing my mind, my heart, and my image of myself.
i hope you have a map for your own metanoia - your own journey.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
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