(mis)perceptions and cognitive dissonance

yesterday, LES suggested that i write about the differences between the ways we see ourselves versus the way other people see us. 

i see myself in a very negative light. i don't see good things inside of me. i see only darkness. ugliness. stupidity.

WHY ARE WE SO HARD ON OURSELVES? and why do we focus so much on our external appearance (asked Zed)?

if i were to describe myself, and be completely honest ... dear readers, you aren't going to like what i have to say ... i see myself as: 

selfish
jealous
ugly
stupid
fat
annoying
clingy
anxious
worthless
undeserving
unlovable
irritating
too much 

these are my deeply held beliefs that i have had for as long as i can remember. these are my deeply held beliefs that have been confirmed whenever i was bullied, whenever i was called a name by a stranger on the street, whenever a friend decided not to like me anymore, whenever i was left alone.

so i sent out a message to some friends and asked them to give me 3 words to describe me. it was an exercise in the suspension of disbelief. i had to listen to my friends, who are intelligent and honest people, and try to take in what they were saying despite my complete disagreement with the words that they chose. 

here are the words that were given to me as descriptors:


empathetic
self-aware
seeking
kind
observant
smart
approachable
loving
smiling
caring
sensitive
lovely
witty
A GOOD PERSON
sarcastically awesome
thoughtful
insightful
friendly
stubborn
fierce
determined
kind
intelligent
loving
beautiful
strong
brave
voice of an angel
wonderful
thoughtful
talented
fun
adaptive
loyal
caring
sensitive
funny
cute
nice

WOW. people think those things about me. notice that no one commented on my thin hair, my rotund belly, my double chin, my jealousy, my pettiness,or any of the ways that i see myself or think about myself. 

so why is that? how is our self-perception determined?

Leon Festinger wrote about cognitive dissonance; the idea of 2 contradictory ideas existing at the same time, causing internal dissonance. He stated:

"the existance of dissonance, being psychologially uncomfortable, will motivate the person to try to reduce the dissonance and achieve consonance." - Festinger

the question becomes, which list will i make myself believe? which list of traits will become the dominant list in my self perception? can both lists exist at once?

my self-harming behaviours are inconsistent with the positive list of traits provided by my friends. my anxiety is inconsistent with the brave traits my friends observe.

here is a video in which women describe themselves and then someone else describes them. it is really interesting. click here for video.

Sam Gosling described self perception by dividing it into parts:

[...] dark spots"—things known by neither you nor others. These could include deep unconscious motives that drive your behaviors, like the fact that your relentless ambition is driven by the need to prove wrong your parents' assumption that you'd never amount to much. [...]   

"personal spots"—things known only by you, like your tendency to get anxious in crowds or your contempt for your coworkers. 

And finally, there are "blind spots"—things known only by others, which can include such factors as your level of hostility and defensiveness, your attractiveness, and your intelligence.

the question is, how do we morph our self perception with others' perceptions? how do we incorporate the positive traits that are used to describe us by our friends into our self image? i unfortunately do not have an answer. however, i will read over my new list repeatedly and daily, like an affirmation. and if i come up with a theory about how to make myself believe it, i promise to share that theory here.