"oh stuff and nonsense."
"for mercy's sake."
everything i learned in my childhood, i learned from books. books were my friends, my teachers, my escape ...
anne of green gables, the brothers lionheart, the search for delicious, half magic, magic or not, the coocoo clock, michael's secret war: from my books i learned about life, love, death, family, empathy, loyalty, romance, and emotions.
anne of green gables was the most influencial. anne shirley continues to be my guide, marilla has always been my moral compass, and rachel lynde my model of how not to be judgmental (and how even the ones with the sharpest tongues are capable of love).
"here sat marilla cuthbert, when she sat at all, slightly distrustful of sunshine, which seemed to her too dancing and irresponsible a thing for a world which was meant to be taken seriously ..." - L.M. Montgomery
the juxtaposition of these voices in my head often guides me in my decision making. what would anne say? what would marilla say? what would rachel say?
marilla: you set your heart too much on frivolous things and then crash down into despair when you don't get them.
anne: i know. i can't help flying up on the wings of anticipation. it's as glorious as soaring through a sunset ... almost pays for the thud.
marilla: well, maybe it does. but i'd rather walk calmly along and do without the flying and the thud.
balancing the pragmatism and romanticism of marilla and anne has always been my goal and challenge - to fly on the wings of anticipation while walking calmly ...
(marilla tries to cheer up anne with plum puffs)
anne: plum puffs won't minister to a mind diseased in a world that's crumbled into pieces.
marilla: well i'm glad to see that your dented spirits haven't injured your tongue.
to speak like anne or to speak like marilla? to write my romantical thoughts about the way that i see the world - filled with sunsets and magical unicorns in the clouds - or to write with the straightforwardness or marilla and rachel?
sometimes when i read back my writing, i have marilla in my head saying, "oh stuff and nonsense." and other times, all i have is anne and her words - the words that stay with me and guide me on my path.
other times, like when i am standing in a long line and shifting on my feet, getting annoyed, i have rachel lynde in my ear saying, "patience has ceased to be a virtue." or when i have done something questionable and i am admonishing myself, rachel in my ear whispers, "that's what" or "mark my words."
when i know that there is something going on, or there is gossip that i haven't heard, i find myself echoing rachel as matthew rides by in the buggy and saying, "oh, my afternoon is spoiled."
"this is the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me." - anne shirley
struggling with depression and anxiety has been extremely tragical. and i often have that sentence playing on a loop in my head. especially when i feel as though i am "in the depths of despair."
"my life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. that's a sentence i read once and i say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul."
there are times when i get into a tornado of regrets - all the things i could have done, didn't do, wish i had done, tried to do and failed ... and i think of anne and how much she was loved. i wish i could be as loved as anne. the unconditional love that matthew had for her. the way he doted on her. it's what i dream a parent should be.
and of course there is anne's "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." that i remind myself of each night as i think over all the things that went wrong.
and i will leave you with this thought from anne, that sums up how i feel about this blog and about my writing, and about my need for connection ...
"i know i chatter on far too much but if you only knew how many things i want to say and don't."
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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