wants, needs, and shame

"we all struggle with feelings of not being good enough, not having enough and not belonging enough. i have found that the most effective way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy is to share our experiences. of course, in this culture, telling our stories takes courage." - Brene Brown

i have been wanting to find the courage to work my way through shame by fulfilling my need to tell my stories. and i have found lately that what we want and what we need are not always compatible.  i want to be able to go back to work and function. i want to be able to give the best of myself in my job. i need to take care of myself and i need to take some more time off. 

i need to get to a point where i am in balance. where my wants and my needs don't out-weigh each other. and, where my needs don't cause me to feel shame. 

what i crave most in the world is connection. i think that is normal. i think it is what AG called "the human condition." what we all want and need is connection, acceptance, and belonging. 

and when our needs outweigh our wants, or worse, cancel out our wants, we are afraid that we will be judged, unaccepted, and that we will no longer have a sense of belonging. sometimes our wants make us feel the same way. 

"shame unravels our connection to others. in fact, i often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection - the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

when i am so busy worrying about what others will think of me and my story, i spiral into what Brene Brown called a "shame storm" where feelings of shame beget more feelings of shame. 

but what is shame? it is not the same thing as feeling embarrassed or humiliated. if my pants feel down while walking down the street, i would be embarrassed. if i farted loudly at the front of the classroom while teaching a lesson on synonyms, i would be humiliated. but in both those case, i would still feel a sense of belonging and connection. i wouldn't feel shame. Brene Brown defines shame as:

"[...] the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

women feel shame when they can't live up to the unrealistic standards that have been set out for them. i feel shame when i can't do what i expect myself to be able to do. 

i expect myself to be able to take care of everyone around me and put myself last. i expect myself to function fully without letting my feelings interfere with what has to get done. i expect myself to put both my wants and needs last, behind everyone else's. 

my needs make me feel shame. my need to connect, my need to feel like i belong, my need to reach out to people for support, for love, for compassion, for understanding. my needs leave me in a shame storm.

shame is the belief that our stories will make us less than everyone else. but if we all feel this sense of shame, then our belonging and connection to each other comes from being willing to share our stories, to tell our truths, and to let our needs take the forefront of our lives. 


i leave you with this thought ...

"you cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviours." - Brene Brown

and that includes your own behaviours ... you cannot shame or belittle yourself into making changes in your life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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