admitting you don't know everything

from the time i was really little, people have told me that i was mature for my age. i've been called an "old soul", an "old lady trapped in a child's body", and "95."

so as a child, i acted even more mature; more grown-up. part of that meant that i thought i was supposed to know everything and never ask questions and never clarify information. 

i just had to KNOW. 

i still do that. if someone says "have you heard of blah blah blah?" i automatically nod or say "yes." even if i have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. lately, i have been correcting myself and admitting that i don't actually know. 

but i hate asking questions. 

when i was 3 years old, we were at my grandmother's cottage and my slightly older cousins wanted to take me in the canoe to the sandbar. 

well that was going to be thrilling! i mean, riding in a canoe to buy snacks!? what could possibly be better than that? 

i climbed into the canoe, even though i was scared of boats, and D and T rowed us to the sandbar. i remember being SO excited in my life jacket, and wondering how far the sandbar was, and what flavour of ice cream i was going to choose ...

and then, to my utter disappointment, we arrived at the sandbar and i discovered that it was just a shallow part of the lake where we could get out and stand ... seriously? where was the ice cream? what was thrilling about standing on sand? i could do that at the shore. i could see the shore from where we were standing on the boring sand that had no ice cream ... but i pretended that i had known all along. 

that same summer, in fact it was probably the same weekend, my family told me that the lunar eclipse was coming. they talked about it all day. everyone was excited. but NO ONE was as excited as i was. the lunar eclipse!? coming to MY grandmother's cottage? i was told that i would be woken up late at night and i would get to go outside and watch the lunar eclipse. 

i was thrilled. not only would i get to be up in the middle of the night, but i would get to watch the lunar eclipse from my grandmother's lawn! i wondered if we would bring out the lawn chairs, or if we would just stand. 

so there i was, 3 years old, and woken up in the middle of the night, brought outside to the porch where i saw ... nothing. absolutely nothing. imagine my dismay upon discovering that the lunar eclipse was just the moon and not a rock band coming to perform just for us. we lay on sleeping bags, watching the moon and looking for shooting stars. 

and once again, i pretended that the moon getting a shadow on it was both super thrilling and also what i had expected all along. 

i think it is time for me to start admitting when i don't know something. it will likely make for less disappointments, less awkward situations, and more learning. 

here's to admitting we don't know everything. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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