gratitude

i have been thinking a lot about gratitude and what it means. 

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” 
― Marcel Proust

these last 6 months have been the most difficult of my life and i was able to navigate my way through the darkness because of the support that i received. without that support, i would still be flailing in the darkness. 

and i am grateful. 

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass... get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.” 
― Steve Maraboli

life certainly knocked me on my ass. but just getting up and dealing with my problems wasn't that easy. i needed time to cocoon in a blanket on my couch, to work through the darkness, to become stronger and healthier. and i wasn't able to do it on my own. 

so what does it mean to be grateful?

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” 
― A.A. Milne

being grateful means acknowledging the people who have done something for you, who have given you something, who have supported you. 

“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” 
― Maya Angelou

gratitude is being thankful for the gifts that are offered to you, regardless of what those gifts are and what form they come in. being thankful for a hug. being thankful for a smile. 

“We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.” 
― John F. Kennedy

i make a point of thanking people when it is warranted. being thanked feels good. and doing the thanking feels good too. feels genuine. 

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” 
― Cicero

think about the people who have made a difference in your life. can you find them and thank them? think about the people who make a difference every day. what can you do to express your gratitude? sometimes it means paying it forward. sometimes it means literally saying "thank you." 

it is such a small act with such a huge impact. 

yesterday, i was thanked by a parent for helping their daughter and was told that the biggest thing i did for their daughter was pay attention to her instead of ignoring her and letting her fall through the cracks. it was a little thing for that parent to tell me that, but it made me feel good. 

how can you make someone feel good? leave your ideas in the comments field, or send me an email. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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gratitude

"cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously." - ralph waldo emerson


today AS, CJ, and CG came to help us declutter our house. after reorganizing the kitchen and bagging up at least a tonne of stuff to donate, i was sitting by myself waiting for pizza to be delivered ... everyone else was in the basement organizing ... and i began to cry. 

i cried because i don't believe myself worthy or deserving of such kindness. i was overcome with gratitude and overwhelmed by the kindness being bestowed upon us. 

thank you AS, CJ, and CG for your help today. thank you for uplifting my heart, and allowing me to experience such gratitude towards you. 

"piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude." - a.a. milne

be kind to yourself, and find a way to express your gratitude, even if it is only to yourself ...

xoxo

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Word Vomit

Today is a fresh start with no mistakes in it. (sort of quoting anne shirley, my hero) or as Nosy Nora once said, mis takes ... today is a new day with no mis takes in it. 

today is the first day of waking up and not passing the bookshelf filled with diet and weight loss books on my way to the shower. 

i can't lie ... i slept through my alarm today. i was supposed to go to the gym. i didn't sleep well, which made it difficult to get up. and i woke up with a stabbing pain in my shoulder blade. the pain sucks. the pain is familiar. the pain wont stop. 

i know perfectly well that if i make my way to the bathroom that i can make the pain STOP by making myself throw up. and i also know that i DO NOT want to do that anymore. that is a cycle that i want to break. 

Nosy Nora had suggested that perhaps word vomit is better than actual vomit. so this is my attempt at word vomit. 

word vomit is much more challenging that real vomit. in case you didn't know. 

not dieting is scary. not dieting is unfamiliar territory. not weighing myself and judging myself for every morsel of food that i put into my mouth is ... nerve-wracking because it is so foreign to me. 

i am scared to unleash myself on the world because there isn't enough food in the world to fill the empty sad dark spaces inside of me. and i am worried that if i leave the safety of my couch, i will begin to devour everything that i see. 

i also had to admit something embarrassing to a colleague this morning. math has never been my strong point. mostly because i copied my friend's answers for 3 years and never had to write a test. 

i have been "helping" my colleague's students study for their math test. here i was, being so very helpful and supportive and kind ... and teaching the concept entirely wrong. so this morning i had to tell my colleague that there was a reason why every single answer was wrong. and it wasn't the fault of the kids. although they could have spoken up and told me that my formula was incorrect. but students are taught to trust teachers. 

in any case, i messaged LC today and told her what had happened. it was so shameful. and she was so ridiculously understanding and supportive. the kids get to rewrite the test, using the correct formula. and now i know the formula (thanks KM for clearing that up for me). thank you LC, for being a kind and supportive friend. i value our friendship.

i think that's what this stabbing pain is about. i think it is fear and embarrassment. i have been afraid for a very long time. afraid of getting lost. afraid of the bad guys. afraid of not being good enough. afraid of being judged. afraid of everything ...

only for the first time in my life, it isn't fear of the world, it is fear of myself ... because as Nosy Nora once said, i have more power that i think ...

xoxo

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