anxious

lately i feel a sense of panic all the time. like something bad is coming. but i don't know what it is. 

anxiety has a grip on me. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

i can't imagine being free. i can't imagine what it would feel like not to be worrying about something. i wonder what it would feel like? 

i want to describe my anxiety. but i am having trouble finding the words. 

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ― Anaïs Nin

i disagree with anais nin ... i think that the person feeling the anxiety is the one who feels like they are trying to save a drowning man. anxiety is the man who has a grip on you and you have to decide to let him go in order to save yourself. 

anxiety clings to me and pulls me down. 

the latest thing that gets to me is commercials for things like cars. i have no idea why. car commercials make my heart start to race. i think it is the idea of making a huge purchase. i have a car. a good car. i've only had it for a year and a half. so i'm not buying a new car. i don't know why i am sent into a panic whenever i see or hear a commercial for cars. did you know there are a zillion car commercials on the radio and television? sheesh. 

“To hear the phrase "our only hope" always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn't work, there is nothing left.” ― Lemony Snicket

i feel like i live my life on the verge of "our only hope" as if there is nothing i can do to save myself from whatever is coming. intellectually i know that there is nothing bad coming. but emotionally i am waiting for the next terrible thing to occur. 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom

carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength ... carrying the worries of things that i can't control. i can't control the things that i worry about and i worry about things that are beyond my control. i use up a great deal of energy worrying and feeling anxious. it's exhausting to be honest. no wonder i am so tired all the time. 

“Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.” ― Jodi Picoult

i know intellectually that worrying doesn't solve any problems. worrying doesn't prepare me for tomorrow. it doesn't help me get through my day. but it certainly occupies my time and occupies my brain power. 

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

i agree that my anxieties are not about "real" problems. but i don't agree that my anxiety is imagined. the constant worrying, the grinding of my teeth, the biting of my nails, the lying awake at night, the wondering ...  those aren't imagined. those are real. 

“But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window--maybe rearrange all the furniture.” ― Raymond Carver

i take my nervous energy and i put it into my body; i grind my teeth, i bite the insides of my cheeks, i dig my nails into my cuticles. i direct my anxiety into my body. my heart races, my stomach is in knots, and my palms are often sweaty. 

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ― Khalil Gibran

my anxiety is about my fear of what i can't control. 

when i get most anxious is when i am faced with something that i can't control, like the reactions of other people, or trying to find a parking spot, or driving somewhere and getting lost. 

“For so many years, I couldn’t understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, like… for real, they would eventually turn to vapor. Every person whom I’ve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. I’ve breathed all of them in so deeply that I’ve nearly choked and died on every soul that I’ve ever given myself to.” ― Jennifer Elisabeth

my biggest fear is that everyone i love will die and leave me alone. i spend a lot of energy worrying about death. the truth is, that everyone WILL die, eventually. so it isn't a completely unrealistic fear. the unrealistic part is how i spend so much time, energy, and fear worrying about it. the anxiety of it eats me up inside and takes up a huge space in my brain. 

this is the part of my blog post where i am supposed to give you some piece of advice about anxiety. this is the part where i share some gem ... some wisdom about living your life to the fullest, about how to rid yourself of worries, about how to free yourself from anxiety. 

i can't do that this time. this post is about my own struggle, not about how to free yourself from yours. all i can say is, 

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” ― Brené Brown

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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worry gremlins

brene brown wrote about shame as a gremlin ... you feed it and it grows stronger and meaner ...

well i want to write about the worry gremlins. 

the worry gremlins whisper to me throughout the day, and if i don't acknowledge them, they get louder and louder until i give in and feed them. the more i worry, the stronger the gremlins become. they say things like "you're going to miss the bus" or "the car is going to explode while you're driving" or "your teeth are going to fall out of your head." okay, that last one is what my dad used to say if i didn't want to brush my teeth. but i think some of the worry gremlins are actually my parents' voices in my head. 

i am like a sponge and the worry is water. the more i worry, the more i soak in more worries. it is never ending. 

today's worry is about my car. cars are a big worry for me. i had to take my car in for repairs and i have a rental car. so of course, the worry gremlins are nattering on in my head. 

"you're going to bump into something when you park it. you don't know it's size. it has no back-up camera. it has no beeping sound to tell you you're going to hit something."

"the car has no gps so you're going to get lost. at least once."

"you wont recognize the car when you park it and you wont be able to find it and you'll wander around the parking lot for an hour, crying and wishing you had your own car back so that you don't look so stupid searching for a car."

"you're going to park it too close to another car and then it will get dented. and then you will have to pay for that damage too."

the gremlins are winning at this point. 

captain stressy pants suggests there are 3 options to responding to the worry gremlins. 

1. "it's cool, worry gremlins, i got this."
2. "fuck off!"
3. ignore them

i like all 3 ideas. the problem is that when i am under attack from the worry gremlins, it's hard to turn off their voices and get out from under the siege. 

it's time to speak up for myself, even against my own voice in my head. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

the real deal

nosy nora asked me if my positive blog posts were reflective of how i was feeling these days, or if i was projecting into the future of how i want to feel ... 

... i think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. i am a different person than i was a year ago. i feel different than i did a few months ago. and i write my blog in a positive tone because i feel like no one wants to hear about what depression really feels like. 

so ... here i am, writing about where i am at right now. 

i wake up in the morning and i drag myself out of bed. i go to work because i want to have structure and routine in my day. but i am not "into" it. i plan my lessons and i teach my class. and the kids are sweet. today one of them gave me a jar of paper stars that she made for me. 

after 3 hours at work, i am exhausted and i head home. i try to stay awake, but end up napping. then i sit on the couch and try to convince myself that i need to get outside, get some fresh air, and go for a walk. i try to convince myself that i will feel better if i move my body, mostly because nosy nora thinks i will. but i lack the motivation to DO anything. i flip through channels on the tv and never settle on anything. so i end up putting on some music. i try to read a book, but i can't concentrate for more than a few pages at a time. i can't crochet because my hands hurt. i don't like talking on the phone, and even if i did, most people are at work or out doing things besides sitting on the couch. 

i want, more than anything, to go to the gym. and i keep planning to go, and then when the time comes, i have a panic attack and just can't get there. the longer i put it off, the harder it becomes to go. 

eventually i will find something to eat. maybe. and then i flip through the channels again until i end up on music and read a few more pages. 

depression is energy sucking. the only thing that i am interested in doing these days is writing. it is the one thing that helps me to get out of bed in the morning. i love knowing that when i get up, i can write. and knowing that after work i can come home and write. 

writing is my way of coping, of organizing my thoughts and feelings and packaging it all in one place - the page. 

so i hope that you will continue to indulge me as i write each day, sharing my thoughts, ideas, and feelings with the world - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but always speaking my truth.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

worrying in yellow alert ...

"I have to worry, it's the only thing I'm good at." - Arthur Christmas 

i hear the low rumble of distant thunder in my head. 

constantly. 

i worry. 

a lot. 

all the time. 

i worry about everything. i worry about parking, and driving, and teaching, and learning, and sleeping, and not sleeping, and food, and money, and eating, and working, and not working. 

i worry in a car with the doors locked at night. i worry driving with the window open in the day time. i worry walking the dog past strangers. i worry about being seen. i worry about NOT being seen. i worry about being alone.  

i worry constantly. 

the worries grow exponentially. the more worries i have, the more i worry. my head is like an appendix of things to worry about. 

i am in a constant state of yellow alert ... ready to spring to red alert at the slightest sign of trouble. 

so i wanted to write about some strategies for dealing with worries. 

1. a gratitude journal. it is difficult to think about your worries when you are listing the things that you are grateful for. brene brown said that gratitude is a practice - that it is something you have to actively work at. each night, i write a list of the things that i am grateful for. 
2. tell someone. anyone. the more you keep your worries to yourself, the bigger they get. it's like a balloon that you keep putting air into: it gets bigger and bigger and you know that at some point it is going to burst. but telling someone your worry is like letting the air out of the balloon. 
3. list your FACTS ...Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements. (see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/uitwaaien-facts.html for more information on my FACTS strategy)
4. work through a plan. some of the things that i worry about, like directions on how to get somewhere, can be solved by making a plan.
5. making a list of what you are worried about is a way to get it out of your head. but it also allows you to break down your worries into pieces. which takes away from the giant pile. 

people often tell me not to worry. don't worry about it. you worry too much. as if i can just turn off the worries in my head. 

i wish i could. i wish more than anything that i could go an hour without thinking about all my worries. but all i can do, is be kind to myself in my worrying. 


be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

here is some worrying music ...  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci44xau9n7Q
http://www.last.fm/tag/worrying
http://www.allmusic.com/album/sacred-songs-for-worrying-times-mw0000823125
http://8tracks.com/leisurelilt/worrying-music
http://www.last.fm/music/Bobby+McFerrin/_/Don't+Worry,+Be+Happy
http://www.mtv.com/videos/swedish-house-mafia/839069/dont-you-worry-child.jhtml

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