an open letter to Sue Monk Kidd

Dear Sue Monk Kidd,

The universe is a mysterious wonder. My name is April and I am experiencing my own mid-life turning point; the point at which I can no longer sit idly while my life is lived without me as an active participant.

I write a blog and had been writing about how I am in a state of emotional diapauses, and using the images of cocoons and butterflies and the idea of my internal metamorphosis. My friend was taking a course and met a woman who recommended reading When the Heart Waits. She read it and was amazed at how similar your story was to what was going on in my own life.

She loaned me her book and I began to read it. And with each page turn I felt more and more connected to you. The images of butterflies, the symbol of the cocoon and how similar it is to my own inner journey … each page drew me closer.

I know that I must sound like a total nut. And I am sure that there are thousands of people who write to you and tell you that your words spoke to them. 

Today I read the story about when a bird flew into your window. When I was 10, a bird flew into our window. My teacher got the bird and put it in a shoe box until it was ready to fly again. He spoke to me about waiting and healing. He taught me that sometimes we have to just wait for something to happen, and although we may not have patience, that it was okay to not have things happen right away. That things like healing take time. 

Rather than continue to tell you about this strong connection I feel to your writing, I would like to share with you a story about another symbol of mine which is foxes. They seem to appear to me at important times in my life.

recently i have been dealing with what radical t calls "the childhood event." and as i work my way through this event, and my shame around it, i often wonder if i am just crazy, or if it was really my fault, or if i made the whole thing up in the first place. 

so i decided to take a leap of faith, an impulsive one actually, and i emailed one of the people who was around during "the childhood event" and i asked some questions that i needed answers to. 

i wasn't expecting a response. but i got one. 

i spoke my truth. and i was validated. and heard. and the validation made my wings grow a little bit. 

i feel lighter this morning. i feel unburdened. 

when i first met nosy nora (my therapist), she used to say that it was like someone else was living my life; like i wasn't participating in my own life. i feel like it is MY life now. 

sharing my story, speaking my truth, is freeing me from the heaviness that i carry around. 

so i decided that i wanted to share another story with you. another truth. because speaking my story makes me strong each day. 

this time it is about foxes. 

The summer I was 17, I was dating a woman who was 21. It was new and exciting and confusing. I was in the woods writing in my journal and thinking about my life and feeling confused. And I looked up and there was a fox staring at me. And I just knew that it was going to be ok.

Then in grade 12, I was on the bus going to school and I was thinking about school and feeling confused and unsure about my education choices and if I should think about changing high schools ... and a fox trotted down Bloor street! And again, I just knew.

There were a few other significant sightings over those few years. But the most significant was in relation to my best friend Gigi (who this blog is named after).

I was at her house and I told Gigi about the importance of foxes in my life. She teased me and said that squirrels were her special animal because she sees them all the time. I went home and as I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Gigi. She said there was a fox in her backyard with a squirrel in its mouth.

We laughed and laughed.

And 2 days later, Gigi died.

A week after her death, I was at her house in her sister's room. Her Dad was in Gigi's room and he suddenly called out "hey, have you ever seen a fox?" Her sister knew the fox story so we looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We ran to the bedroom and her mom joined us there.

The 4 of us stood at the window, crying, holding each other and watching this fox who just sat in the yard staring back at us.

It was moving and healing and there are no words to describe it.

i continue to see foxes at significant moments in my life. most recently i saw a fully intact dead fox on the side of the road. i cried and cried and CRIED. and i emailed Gigi's sister and told her about it. her response was touching:

Maybe the penetrating gaze of that intact dead fox on the driver's side on the highway yesterday, was a mirror to you: not a message that doom and gloom awaits you, but that it's time for your soul to finally rise up from the damaged (metaphorical) carcass that houses it and become the most fully alive, most vibrant and whole vibrational entity that it can be. It's your time to become whole, April, that's what the dead fox symbolizes for me.

i like to think that she is right. that in order for me to morph into a butterfly from this diapause state that i am in, to become the most vibrant and whole entity that i can be, i need to continue to tell my story, to speak my truth, and to heal. 

I wanted to thank you for your book, for your wisdom, and for this strong connection that I feel with you because of our similar stories.

Thank you,

Yours Truly,

April

anniversary

yesterday was my ten year wedding anniversary. we went out to dinner and then went to see the musical wicked. 

ten years. amazing. the time has gone by so quickly and at the same time it seems like forever - like there was no time that we weren't together. 

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

BB is my best friend. she knows all my faults and loves me in spite of them. 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

being together for the last 13 years has been a wild ride. we have had our ups and downs, our good times and bad times. we have lived the for better and for worse. and yet we have always had each other to turn to, to lean on, and to snuggle ... snuggles are important!

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” 
― Robert A. Heinlein

BB's happiness is essential to my happiness. i live to bring her joy. and i feel like she does the same. 

here is the necklace that she gave me. 

if you have been following my blog, you know what foxes mean to me. if you haven't, check out this post: 

http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/foxes.html

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” 
― William Shakespeare

BB and i often sit in comfortable silence. we can enjoy each other's company and talk when we need to. and i often know what she is thinking when she gives me that loving smile. or that smile that says, let's go get movie popcorn. 

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” 
― Robert Fulghum

what i love most about my marriage is our separateness. we each live our lives with our separate friends and our separate interests. we don't expect the other to join us for things that we don't want to do. she can go out dancing, and i can go to drumming lessons. 

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.” 
― Alfred Tennyson

BB and i met at choir and we still sing together. despite our separateness, we also have common interests and spend a great deal of time together. 


“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” 
― Plato

i love BB. i love her with all my heart. i hope that you have someone to love and someone to love you back. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fighting your shadow

sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow. (SKEE-ah-mahk-ee)

www.cronicadodia.com.br 

i often find that the demons that i battle are within myself. i am my worst enemy when i should be my greatest ally and my best friend. it's hard to convince myself that i am important enough to defend and protect the way that i would defend and protect a friend. 

sciamachy also means fake fighting, play fighting, as in for practice or for exercise. but i like the idea of fighting your shadow and the imagery that goes along with that. 

panneverland.blogspot.com

peter pan had to fight his shadow, to reattach himself. and he needed help from wendy. i think we all need a wendy; a mother figure or momstitute to reattach our shadows so that we stop thinking of them as a separate entity and we stop fighting ourselves. we need to learn to embrace our shadows. 

Sue Monk Kidd wrote about how symbols find their way into our lives and give deeper meaning to our inner struggle:

"participating with symbols allows their deeper meaning to wrap around us and penetrate us. Through them, what is lost and unutterable inside us becomes real and accessible. 'as the mind explores the symbol it is led to ideas that lie beyond the grasp of reason.' wrote Jung."

ideas beyond the grasp of reason. Jung also wrote: 

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or even a picture that may be familiar in daily life, yet that possesses specific connotations in addition toits conventional and obvious meaning. It implies something vague, unknown, or hidden from us." 

hidden meaning in everyday images. i could ignore the symbols that present themselves repeatedly to me. or i could claim these symbols as my own. for me the repetitive symbols have been foxes, butterflies, and, more recently, the image of a mother hen. 

 

today nosy nora found me a new symbol ... as i was driving to my appointment today, the engine light came on in the car and it started to be jerky and jumpy. when i got to the parking lot, the car wouldn't go in reverse. i worked very hard on not having a meltdown. 

nosy nora said that the car could be a symbol for my life ... "only forward from now on; no going backwards."

jackiejonesfiction.com

in going forward, i am finding friends who are kind and compassionate and who hear my story without trying to change me or fix me. in going forward, i am giving my inner child the time she needs to tell her own story, and to heal. 

going forward means not returning to familiar patterns without noticing the return and questioning the patterns. my shadows that i battle use food in place of feeling my emotions. 

for example, last night i turned to chocolate mini eggs as i panicked over what i determined was a crisis. once i identified the crisis with the help of AG, i was able to stop eating the chocolate. it didn't even taste good. and i didn't want it anymore. thank you AG for giving me the questions to ask myself. 

AG said to me: "just remind yourself: 'i'm feeling some emotions. i'm not sure what they are but i feel overwhelmed so i'm eating to cope. and that's ok.' eventually you will stop eating."

shortly after my mini-binge, i received an email newsletter from geneen roth about binge eating. coincidence or the universe sending me a message? in the newsletter she wrote: 

"since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. the positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it is harder to continue with the same momentum."

instead of fighting my shadow, i need to embrace it. taste the food that i am eating. ask myself why i need that comfort. slow down and give myself the comfort through tasting and enjoying the taste of the food. 

going forward doesn't mean you don't encounter familiar scenery and familiar landmarks. it means you know how to get through the storms of life while traveling your path, because the familiarity of the past gives you knowledge instead of fear. identifying WHAT you are doing and paying attention to WHAT you are doing stops the trance of it. being mindful of eating the chocolate mini-eggs, tasting their overly-sweet flavour, slowed down the munching until i no longer wanted to eat them. 

going forward doesn't mean never diverging from your path. it means knowing which way you are headed and not turning around to go back from whence you came. 

may you go forward in your life and, as always, remember: 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Truth grows wings

last night, my wings grew a little bit because i spoke my truth. 

recently i have been dealing with what radical t calls "the childhood event." and as i work my way through this event, and my shame around it, i often wonder if i am just crazy, or if it was really my fault, or if i made the whole thing up in the first place. 

so i decided to take a leap of faith, an impulsive one actually, and i emailed one of the people who was around during "the childhood event" and i asked some questions that i needed answers to. 

i wasn't expecting a response. but i got one. 

i spoke my truth. and i was validated. and heard. and the validation made my wings grow a little bit. 

i feel lighter this morning. i feel unburdened. 

when i first met nosy nora, she used to say that it was like someone else was living my life; like i wasn't participating in my own life. i feel like it is MY life now. 

sharing my story, speaking my truth, is freeing me from the heaviness that i carry around. 

so i decided that i wanted to share another story with you. another truth. because speaking my story makes me strong each day. 

this time it is about foxes. 

The summer I was 17, I was dating a woman who was 21. It was new and exciting and confusing. I was in the woods writing in my journal and thinking about my life and feeling confused. And I looked up and there was a fox staring at me. And I just knew that it was going to be ok.

Then in grade 12, I was on the bus going to school and I was thinking about school and feeling confused and unsure about my education choices and if I should think about changing high schools ... and a fox trotted down Bloor street! And again, I just knew.

There were a few other significant sightings over those few years. But the most significant was in relation to my best friend Gigi (who this blog is named after).

I was at her house and I told Gigi about the importance of foxes in my life. She teased me and said that squirrels were her special animal because she sees them all the time. I went home and as I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Gigi. She said there was a fox in her backyard with a squirrel in its mouth.

We laughed and laughed.

And 2 days later, Gigi died.

A week after her death, I was at her house in her sister's room. Her Dad was in Gigi's room and he suddenly called out "hey, have you ever seen a fox?" Her sister knew the fox story so we looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We ran to the bedroom and her mom joined us there.

The 4 of us stood at the window, crying, holding each other and watching this fox who just sat in the yard staring back at us.

It was moving and healing and there are no words to describe it.

i continue to see foxes at significant moments in my life. most recently i saw a fully intact dead fox on the side of the road. i cried and cried and CRIED. and i emailed Gigi's sister and told her about it. her response was touching:

Maybe the penetrating gaze of that intact dead fox on the driver's side on the highway yesterday, was a mirror to you: not a message that doom and gloom awaits you, but that it's time for your soul to finally rise up from the damaged (metaphorical) carcass that houses it and become the most fully alive, most vibrant and whole vibrational entity that it can be. It's your time to become whole, Kira, that's what the dead fox symbolizes for me.

i like to think that she is right. that in order for me to morph into a butterfly from this diapause state that i am in, to become the most vibrant and whole entity that i can be, i need to continue to tell my story, to speak my truth, and to heal. 

NOTE: please keep in mind that i am NOT endorsing the speaking of your own truth. i think that it's important to do it, but if you don't have a strong support system, then hold off. i only had the courage to do it, because i have a therapist, nosy nora, and because i know that i will have her support as i work through the aftermath of having my say - the aftermath of addressing "the childhood event" with a person who was there and who was able to validate me. if you have your own "childhood event" i strongly recommend you find yourself a therapist. if money is an issue, there are many affordable ways to access therapy in your city. toronto has several walk-in therapy clinics, as well as social workers and community agencies that offer free counseling. and i am sure there are some places in your own cities. 

and if you are thinking about your "childhood event" and you need a distraction, DS suggests this sarcastic video called "Everything is Awesome" click here to watch. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

gathering my chicks ...

upon hearing my explanation of how i became friends with a couple people, KM commented that i am a "momstitute" ... since i spend much of my life looking for my own momstitute, i didn't connect to the term. so she amended it to say that i am a "mother hen" ... i asked her to explain and she said that i "gather my chicks" ...

google images

i have been thinking about that for a few days. what does it mean to gather my chicks? in how many different ways do i do that? and where does the instinct come from? 

so i googled it ... there are many religious references to a mother hen gathering her chicks, and not many references to actual chickens. 

Jesus Laments over Jerusalem37 “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!

When I approach a sitting hen and her chicks, she often gathers them under her wings. If I get too close she can become quite vocal. I don’t speak “chicken,” but no one will convince me that the mother hen isn’t saying, “Stay back, buddy. You can’t have MY babies!” A mother hen will do everything in her power to protect her biddies. It’s her instinct. Call it chicken love if you will, but the hen is hardwired to protect them. http://www.daveblackonline.com/chicken_love.htm

can i argue that i am hardwired to protect my friends and my family? that my depth of empathy enables (compels) me to gather my chicks under my wings and try my best to prevent pain and suffering?

The Free Dictionary defines a mother hen as:

- a person who fusses over others in an overprotective manner.
- a person who attends to the welfare of others, esp. one who is fussily protective.
- a person who cares for the needs of others (especially in an overprotective or interfering way)

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mother+hen

now those are things that i can relate to. i don't like to see people left out. i like to gather them into my community. i don't like to see children being hurt, i collect them and bring them into my heart. i become invested in the emotional lives of the people that i care about, and i am "fussily protective" of their feelings and their affairs. and as much as it is empathetic of me to "care for the needs of others" it most certainly plays out in an overprotective and sometimes interfering way. 

i don't think that my mother hen behaviour is all bad. i gather my people to me. i care about my people. i care about their well-being and i don't want to see them hurt. and i get protective when i feel they are being mistreated or misunderstood. 

i also gather the emotions of my people. and at times, i try to interfere and mediate their emotions. and this isn't good for me (the hen) or for my people (the chicks). 

if you are one of my chicks, and you likely know who you are ... i gather you to me with love and protection. and i don't mean to mediate your emotions. and i care about all of you very deeply. 

i am going to continue thinking about gathering chicks and will write a part 2 when i have worked through the metaphor further. 

i will leave you with this confusing image of a fox and a hen ... will the fox eat the hen? can the hen gather the fox under her wing? is the nature of foxes such that the hen will become dinner regardless of the hen's innate instinct to protect?