the real deal

nosy nora asked me if my positive blog posts were reflective of how i was feeling these days, or if i was projecting into the future of how i want to feel ... 

... i think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. i am a different person than i was a year ago. i feel different than i did a few months ago. and i write my blog in a positive tone because i feel like no one wants to hear about what depression really feels like. 

so ... here i am, writing about where i am at right now. 

i wake up in the morning and i drag myself out of bed. i go to work because i want to have structure and routine in my day. but i am not "into" it. i plan my lessons and i teach my class. and the kids are sweet. today one of them gave me a jar of paper stars that she made for me. 

after 3 hours at work, i am exhausted and i head home. i try to stay awake, but end up napping. then i sit on the couch and try to convince myself that i need to get outside, get some fresh air, and go for a walk. i try to convince myself that i will feel better if i move my body, mostly because nosy nora thinks i will. but i lack the motivation to DO anything. i flip through channels on the tv and never settle on anything. so i end up putting on some music. i try to read a book, but i can't concentrate for more than a few pages at a time. i can't crochet because my hands hurt. i don't like talking on the phone, and even if i did, most people are at work or out doing things besides sitting on the couch. 

i want, more than anything, to go to the gym. and i keep planning to go, and then when the time comes, i have a panic attack and just can't get there. the longer i put it off, the harder it becomes to go. 

eventually i will find something to eat. maybe. and then i flip through the channels again until i end up on music and read a few more pages. 

depression is energy sucking. the only thing that i am interested in doing these days is writing. it is the one thing that helps me to get out of bed in the morning. i love knowing that when i get up, i can write. and knowing that after work i can come home and write. 

writing is my way of coping, of organizing my thoughts and feelings and packaging it all in one place - the page. 

so i hope that you will continue to indulge me as i write each day, sharing my thoughts, ideas, and feelings with the world - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but always speaking my truth.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

the i-hate-this-fracking-cold-and-snow winter blues

the winter blues ... the blahs ... the post-holiday disappointment ... SAD ... depression ... whatever you want to call it, this seemingly endless canadian winter just plan sucks. 

today, as the snow continues to pile up outside my window, and i am home from work yet again under my blue blanket, i am thinking about how the long, cold, dark days affect us. okay, so the idea actually came from Zed. but i liked the idea. 

whether we suffer from depression, or SAD, or we are just sick and tired of the cold and the dark, winter gets old rather quickly. having to put on so many layers, and boots, and then having to shovel the snow just to get to the car. then you have to clean off the car and possibly shovel your way out of your parking spot. only to get to where you have to be and trudge through the snow to get inside ... and then do it all in reverse to go home again. waking up in the dark to go to work. getting home from work in the dark. how can that NOT feel depressing!?!?!?!???

my solution has been to curl up on the couch by my fireplace, to do a whole lot of reading, and sleeping. it's like i am hibernating and just waiting for winter to be over. i am also enjoying a lot of tea, and today i have added chocolate chip cookies. 

however, my solution will not actually HELP you to overcome or get through this long cold winter. here are some actual ideas:

1. find a tea you love and drink it to cheer yourself up. experiment with different types of tea. i am not a fan of herbal teas, but there are endless varieties and you might find one you absolutely LOVE. there is also an endless supply of black teas and white teas and green teas. i am a fan of david's tea, and they are good about letting you try samples. 

2. make yourself get some exercise. even if you think you are going to hate it. even if you think it's only going to make things worse. you don't have to join a gym. you don't have to take up bob-sledding, or cross country skiing. you don't even have to go skating. you could simply go for a walk. make it a good walk. start by walking to the store for something that you need. then maybe walk to a coffee shop. perhaps your cocooning on the couch reading could be turned into reading in a coffee shop. 

3. vitamin D, vitamin D, vitamin D!!!!!!! i can't say it enough. VITAMIN DEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! the sun is such an important part of balancing our emotions. so if there is sun, then get outside and soak it in. and since there isn't much sun right now, go and buy a bottle of vitamin D and take it. seriously. it is important. and while you're at it, eat some citrus fruit and maybe take some vitamin C. 

4. there is no reason not to have a dinner party, just because the holidays are over. invite people you like, family or friends, and make your own special occasion. it could be something complicated like a full on turkey dinner, or it could be hot dogs. who cares? it's not about the food, or the decorations, or even the occasion. it is about asking for love, support, and compassion from people who care about you and who make you feel good. for some of us, that IS family. for others, it is absolutely NOT family. create your own special event. maybe you play board games, or drink wine, or just sit and chat. either way, there's no real reason to hibernate for the winter. despite our best efforts, we are not actually bears. 

5. there are people smarter than me who have their own lists and i have included them in links at the end of this post.

6. if you feel like your winter blahs are bigger than you. if you feel like you are alone. don't be alone. talk to someone about these feelings. because it is okay to need help. and a quick visit to your doctor to talk about it, might reveal that you need more than a kitchen dance party, or some vitamin D. 

xoxo

...

Here is some information on Seasonal Affective Disorder:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/category/disorders/seasonal-affective-disorder

http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/mood-disorders/seasonal-affective-disorder/

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047

http://www.mooddisorders.ca/faq/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad

http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/about_camh/newsroom/news_releases_media_advisories_and_backgrounders/current_year/Pages/Seasonal-depression,-winter-blues-and-seasonal-affective-disorder--CAMH-expert-available-for-interview-.aspx



Here are some articles for ways to break the monotony of the blahs:

http://thedevalife.com/beat-the-winter-blahs/\

http://www.canadianliving.com/health/mind_and_spirit/7_creative_ways_to_shake_off_the_winter_blues.php

http://www.wikihow.com/Fight-Winter-Blues

http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/beating-winters-woes

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=341

http://www.psychologies.co.uk/self/10-ways-to-beat-the-winter-blues-2.html