keeping myself small

"why do we feel that we have to have small bodies to have big lives? what feels good about feeling bad? and where do we turn for nourishment when it's not in the places we thought it would be?" - Geneen Roth

i have kept myself small for many years. large in physique and small in my life. i have diminished my accomplishments so as not to make other people feel bad. i worry about how my accomplishments will make other people feel, so i diminish my achievements thinking that will make other people feel good. 

my parents had their problems; both in their relationship and in their own lives. and i learned that by being small, i could blend into the background. i didn't share my report cards. i didn't share my writing. i kept it all to myself. keeping my life small and meaningless. keeping myself from being the centre of attention. 

"we believe we are not enough, we also believe that if we had more or were different, we would feel nourished." - Geneen Roth

i have spent my small life believing that i am not enough, that i don't do enough, that i don't have enough. believing that if only i were thin, if only i were smart, if only i were ______ i would feel nourished and fulfilled. not knowing that what i need to be nourished has been right here inside of me all along. 

for years i turned to my addictions: food and pills. using both to try to fill the empty spaces inside of me. 

"what did i want that i could never have, which made me feel like an endless pit of need?" - Geneen Roth

what did i want? i wanted to fit in with the other kids. i wanted to feel part of a group. i wanted to feel belonging and connection. instead, i felt like "an endless pit of need." and i tried to fill that pit with food. 

but you cannot fill an endless pit. 

"when you hide [eating] you give yourself the message that who you are is not acceptable, and that you must pretend to be someone else to be loved." - Geneen Roth

i spend way too much of my life hiding my eating. i would sneak to the store, buy a chocolate bar, and eat it as fast as i could. when i was 9. 

and i continued to hide my eating well into my 30s. in public, eating "healthy" foods, in private consuming vast quantities of "unhealthy" foods. making myself bigger to keep my life small. 

"when you sneak food, you perpetuate the belief that you are too ugly, too needy, too intense to be seen and loved for who you are. the same is true when you sneak feelings." - Geneen Roth

sneaking food and sneaking feelings are one and the same in my life. afraid to tell people how i feel. afraid to show people what i eat. afraid to live a big and full life. afraid to show people who i really am. 

"there is no such thing as enough because we believe that our very being is not enough. [...] to have enough, we have to believe that we are enough." - Geneen Roth

believing that i am enough is the most difficult affirmation i have ever tried to tell myself. that and a line from an article by nosy nora, "i love and accept myself deeply and completely." ... i have that as the screen saver on my phone and though i see it a zillion times a day, i find it hard to believe. hard to accept as my truth. believing that i am enough means loving myself deeply and completely. believing that i am enough means accepting myself for who i am. believing that i am enough means sharing my feelings, sharing my eating, and letting people know me for who i really am. 

"wanting things that could easily be given, be gotten, rather than wanting what i knew i couldn't have from either of my parents: being seen, being met. being valued for the fullness i already embodied." - Geneen Roth

it was much easier ... is much easier ... to want to be thin, to want new shoes, to want the newest indigo girls album ... than it is to demand to be valued, to be seen, to be heard. it became easier to keep my life small than to accept that i wasn't being seen or heard. it became easier to make my body bigger, to protect myself. 

at 13, i became noticed for my body. and that noticing led to events that i would rather forget. some that i have forgotten. and at 13, i began to make myself small, to blend into the background, to not be noticed. at 13, i learned that to lead a small life meant to have a large body. 

this is all subconscious of course. i never set out to be fat. but i have kept myself fat for many years. keeping myself big as a way to protect myself from living a full life. 

i leave you with this thought ...

"the world will not fall apart if we let ourselves express our vastness. it is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do." - Geneen Roth

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

balance and self-care

www.achieveinafrica.org

when i was a child, i had penpals all over the world. my favourite activity was to write a letter, on real paper, put it in an international mail envelope, put a stamp on it, and then drop it into the red mailbox. then i would wait about a month until i received a reply. my best pen pal lived in zimbabwe and sent me all sorts of letters and presents. i still have a necklace that she sent me 25 years ago. 

as an adult, in our constantly advancing technological world, i now have a digital pen pal: WTR

howtothisandthat.com 

WTR and i met randomly on a scrabble app about 4 years ago. and after a year of playing each other and chatting, decided to become facebook friends. and now she is my pen pal, only we chat in real time. funny how the world and the ways we make connections has changed so much in 20 years. 

today when i was chatting with WTR about my guilt over having been off work, she said:

"As women, we're programmed to think we can and should do it all. it's hard to accept that we can't and shouldn't try."

she is so right. 

from birth, we are conditioned to think that we can do it all. and when we can't do it all, we feel bad about ourselves. and we judge other women who don't seem to be doing it all. we judge women who give themselves permission to take time for themselves. we judge women who choose to stay home with their kids and we judge women who leave their kids and go to work. 

vicky-lifeonthehill.blogspot.com

we feel guilty and ashamed of being unable to balance work, family, home, friends, and a social life. cooking, cleaning, working, being a loving and attentive wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, an employee with responsibilities ... it's hard work. and no one can do it all without giving up themselves and their own needs. 

i decided to ask CP how she manages. she said:

"mostly i just make it all happen. and it feels like no one really notices,, except for other mamas. i tend to have a deep connection with those women. so, i make it work until i can't. and when i can't, i let it wash over me ... the way i do when i sit in a river with moving water. i cling to rocks and let the cool waters swim past me. and hopefully, when i come up for air, pieces of me haven't washed away ... no matter what, a new version of me will eventually be molded, eroded, and sculpted. and most of the time i am tickled and delighted to be in it. but it's fucking hard." 

how do we balance our lives so that we can give to others and to ourselves? how do we give to ourselves? 

kirstentulsian.com 

i think the balance comes in finding something for yourself. maybe it's coffee with a friend once a week, a yoga class, a favourite tv show, meditation, going for a walk, going to the gym, or even blogging. this blog is where i put my energy for myself. and writing posts for this blog is how i take time for myself.

i asked CP, what about time for yourself? her response was "hahahahahaha, i have to work up the courage to ask for it. and not feel guilty. or shitty."

so i asked Kate the same question. she replied: 

"i am an extremely high energy person. i value my time and my life. i love my job but it will never take precedence over my kids. i love my girls but work made me a better mom. working out gives me joy, a social life, and keeps me fit and sane."

so how do we give ourselves permission to do the things that nourish our soul? how do we make ourselves believe and accept that we are worthy and deserving of time for ourselves? 

Geneen Roth wrote:

finding the things that are worth doing is the secret to happiness. i totally just made that up. but i think that it might be true. "celebrate every one of your hungers" whether it be hunger for food, or hunger for writing, or hunger for running, or dancing, or reading, or walking, or talking to a friend, or volunteering ... "if it doesn't bring you pleasure, it's not worth doing" doesn't mean don't do the laundry. the laundry needs to get done. so do the dishes, and the cooking, and the cleaning, and paying the bills, and doing the grocery shopping ... what it does mean is, if working out at the gym doesn't bring you pleasure, then that isn't the right exercise for you; find a dance class, or go for a walk, or swim, or ride your bike. find the thing that brings you pleasure. 

in the meanwhile, as always, 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...