pain

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”― J.K. Rowling

i have a low pain threshold. lots of people do. and then there are the people who can take pain. or who like pain. that's not me. 

however, despite my intense fear of and dislike for pain, i suffered most of my life because i didn't know that i was allowed to speak about my pain - both physical and emotional. 

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Kennedy

i didn't talk about my emotional pain when my best friend Gigi died. i kept it inside. i suffered in silence. for many many many many years. and i don't know if that is worse than the physical pain i endured for years without speaking up.

“The damage was permanent; there would always be scars. But even the angriest scars faded over time until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that remained was the memory of how painful it had been.” 
― Jodi Picoult

i got my period when i was 10 years old. i knew very little about it. my mother had never had cramps with her cycles. so she didn't tell me about them. it didn't occur to her. i had cramps from the first period. my PCOS symptoms started at a young age, they just weren't diagnosed. so the pain i was experiencing was "normal" only i didn't know there was anything i could DO about it. 

it wasn't until i was 16 and i was at CP's house and she flaked out on going to the zoo because she had cramps. and her mom took care of her and gave her pills ... pills? there were pills that i could take that would help with the cramps?!?!?!? and i could curl up in bed and someone could take care of me? i was in shock. 

the curling up and being taken care of never happened. but i was old enough that i could go buy mydol. and i did. 

menstrual cramps. that's not pain. i know some of you are thinking that. 

well that's not the only pain i lived with. 

the dentist. i have such anxiety about the dentist. more than most people. why? because when i was 34 (THIRTY FOUR !!!), my mom was telling me about her trip to the dentist and needing 3 freezings. and i looked at her and said, "3? you can have more than 1?" and she explained that she always needed at least 2 needles before she was frozen. 

imagine my SHOCK at learning, at 34, that the dentist isn't supposed to hurt ...

... yes, that's right ... for 34 years i would get one needle and be a little bit tingly. then i would endure the pain of getting my cavities filled and other dental procedures. and i would feel them. 

the dentist hurt. a lot. every time. and i didn't know. 

we spend too much time taking care of other people and not taking care of ourselves. we spend too much time tending to the needs of others and not speaking up about our own pains. 

don't be alone. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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