yes, you read that correctly: a cover for my apple.
i hate when i carry my apple in my bag and it gets bruised, or punctured. so i made a protective sleeve, a buffer, to protect my apple from the bumps and bruises that happen in a day in my bag.
we all need a buffer. we all need a layer of protection between us and the bumps and bruises of life. for years, i found ways to protect myself by numbing myself from feelings and by keeping things inside.
CP said that a protective layer is harmful. she said: "i have a little infant who is growing into a toddler. there is no protection from bumps and bruises. they just happen, have to happen. they let him know what he can do. what he is capable of. they are reminders that we are human, mortal, imperfect."
her friend said: "a layer may protect from the pain, but then we might miss the positive things along the way."
this is not the same as the protective layer that i am talking about. self-medication, numbing, alcohol, drugs .... are ways of being isolated and alone. i am talking about a healthy layer that protects you from the hurts.
so what are some healthy ways to protect yourself?
nosy nora says, "listen and let go" rather than holding other people's issues. that's hard to do when you are someone who wants so badly to help everyone and make everything okay. but it is important to hold your own stuff, to listen to others, and let their stuff go.
this layer is called a boundary.
healthy boundaries come from a place of love; love for yourself and love for others.
state your limits. say what they are. and stick to them. saying "no" can be such a difficult thing to do. but it's okay to say no. it's also okay not to answer. my mom taught me that just because someone is knocking at the front door, doesn't mean you have to answer it - even if they can see you through the window. don't go into a long explanation. don't apologize. state your boundary clearly, respectfully, calmly, and firmly.
listen to your cues. pay attention when you are feeling discomfort, or resentment. and then revisit your boundaries. are you feeling taken advantage of? are you pushing yourself too hard because you feel guilty? are you doing more than you are able?
give yourself permission to have a layer of protection that prevents you from being in an unhealthy relationship. give yourself permission to respect yourself and your limits. give yourself permission to do what YOU need to do.
you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. you are responsible for your own feelings. if you can't attend a meeting, or go to a movie with a friend, or be in charge of the bake sale, you do not need to worry about how other people will feel about you saying no.
if you set a boundary with a friend, and their feelings get hurt (and you were respectful and kind), then that person is not a good friend. good friends respect each other's boundaries and limits.
self-care needs to be a priority. this comes from the belief that you are important and worth it. it might be taking time off, taking time out, or taking the time to be in. meditation, a sick day, or a vacation are all forms of self-care. having a cup of tea, sitting in a cafe, writing, reading, playing music, listening to music, watching your favourite tv show, baking, painting, getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water ... these are all things that you can do for yourself to take care of YOU.
i carried my apple in it's little crocheted apple holder today. and it came out whole and unbruised.
bruises and bumps are part of life. they teach us our limits. and at the same time, we can protect ourselves by being patient with ourselves and allowing ourselves to set boundaries.
how do you protect yourself? how do you communicate your limits and your boundaries?
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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