apple cover

last night i crocheted a cover for my apple. 

yes, you read that correctly: a cover for my apple. 

i hate when i carry my apple in my bag and it gets bruised, or punctured. so i made a protective sleeve, a buffer, to protect my apple from the bumps and bruises that happen in a day in my bag. 

we all need a buffer. we all need a layer of protection between us and the bumps and bruises of life. for years, i found ways to protect myself by numbing myself from feelings and by keeping things inside. 

CP said that a protective layer is harmful. she said: "i have a little infant who is growing into a toddler. there is no protection from bumps and bruises. they just happen, have to happen. they let him know what he can do. what he is capable of. they are reminders that we are human, mortal, imperfect."

her friend said: "a layer may protect from the pain, but then we might miss the positive things along the way."

this is not the same as the protective layer that i am talking about. self-medication, numbing, alcohol, drugs .... are ways of being isolated and alone. i am talking about a healthy layer that protects you from the hurts. 

so what are some healthy ways to protect yourself?

nosy nora says, "listen and let go" rather than holding other people's issues. that's hard to do when you are someone who wants so badly to help everyone and make everything okay. but it is important to hold your own stuff, to listen to others, and let their stuff go. 

this layer is called a boundary. 

healthy boundaries come from a place of love; love for yourself and love for others. 

state your limits. say what they are. and stick to them. saying "no" can be such a difficult thing to do. but it's okay to say no. it's also okay not to answer. my mom taught me that just because someone is knocking at the front door, doesn't mean you have to answer it - even if they can see you through the window. don't go into a long explanation. don't apologize. state your boundary clearly, respectfully, calmly, and firmly. 

listen to your cues. pay attention when you are feeling discomfort, or resentment. and then revisit your boundaries. are you feeling taken advantage of? are you pushing yourself too hard because you feel guilty? are you doing more than you are able?

give yourself permission to have a layer of protection that prevents you from being in an unhealthy relationship. give yourself permission to respect yourself and your limits. give yourself permission to do what YOU need to do. 

you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. you are responsible for your own feelings. if you can't attend a meeting, or go to a movie with a friend, or be in charge of the bake sale, you do not need to worry about how other people will feel about you saying no. 

if you set a boundary with a friend, and their feelings get hurt (and you were respectful and kind), then that person is not a good friend. good friends respect each other's boundaries and limits. 

self-care needs to be a priority. this comes from the belief that you are important and worth it. it might be taking time off, taking time out, or taking the time to be in. meditation, a sick day, or a vacation are all forms of self-care. having a cup of tea, sitting in a cafe, writing, reading, playing music, listening to music, watching your favourite tv show, baking, painting, getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water ... these are all things that you can do for yourself to take care of YOU. 

be aware that boundaries will be tested. the protective layer around my apple will be stretched, just as your layer will be stretched. people who are used to taking advantage of you, or abusing you, will not be used to the boundaries. and these people will test you to see if they can get past that protective layer. 

i carried my apple in it's little crocheted apple holder today. and it came out whole and unbruised. 

bruises and bumps are part of life. they teach us our limits. and at the same time, we can protect ourselves by being patient with ourselves and allowing ourselves to set boundaries. 

how do you protect yourself? how do you communicate your limits and your boundaries? 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

inner critic follow-up

there are many people who are way smarter than i am, and who have a lot to say about the inner critic. so if you want to know what other people think, here are a few great links:

"Awareness is the first step to recognizing and letting go of your inner critic. Many of us don’t even realize its presence. Catch yourself the next time you’re aware of feeling anxious, distracted or numb. Identify the voice of the inner critic. Identify the situation that may have triggered the inner critic. What are your authentic feelings about this situation? Remember, the inner critic helps you to feel in control. So ask yourself, “what am I afraid of? What would it mean if that happened? And what would that mean?” Allow yourself space to dig deeper and find your most vulnerable feelings about the situation. This is what the inner critic is protecting you from feeling. Do you really need all that protection? Probably not. You can handle it!"
http://psychcentral.com/lib/working-with-your-inner-critic/00017552


"My sentiments exactly. So how do I plan on getting over my pessimism? I'll try Seligman's technique, with a slight twist suggested by a Buddhist friend who practices "lovingkindness," a way of relating more humanely to yourself and others: Instead of pretending my inner voice is an enemy, I might start thinking of her as a dear but deluded friend. Maybe I'll be able to listen to what she tells me without taking it so much to heart. Maybe, after getting a little distance, I'll begin to be able to laugh at her a little, and gently dispute what she says. I might even try throwing in a word or two of self-approval. But that's another conversation."
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Silence-Your-Inner-Critic-How-to-Be-Nicer-to-Yourself


"So how do we silence this inner critic and put him in his place? The first and most important step is to identify the judge. Much of the time we have become so accustomed to his woven web in our mind, we aren’t even aware when he’s speaking.

If you’re working on something and all of a sudden you start questioning yourself, if you feel your energy decreasing, if you’re getting stuck, bored, or tired, recognize the judge is speaking to you.

Listen, but don’t take his words to heart. See him so that he doesn’t hang out in a distant corner manipulating you from above.

Identify him with presence rather than pushing him way. Because what we resist will persist!"
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-immediate-and-easy-ways-to-silence-your-inner-critic/




"We can learn to pause and to listen deeply to the voice of the inner judge, with its endless symphony of blame and shame, and we can surround it with the kindness of mindfulness. We can investigate the truth of its story. We can begin to sense that the inner critic truly warrants compassion, as does any suffering and affliction. Instead of fleeing the painfulness of the judgmental mind we can turn toward it, sensing that everything we are invited to understand in the journey of awakening can be understood within the judgmental mind. Letting go, compassion, the emptiness of self, equanimity, and wisdom are the lessons we are invited to explore with this most powerful of afflictions. The alchemy of mindfulness is to nurture a sense of possibility. We are encouraged to imagine a life free from ill will, blame, and shame. To imagine a life and a heart of compassion, wisdom, and peace." 
http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=3412


xoxo

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