adoption

“Because now I know what I have been waiting for. I know exactly why the other processes didn't work. I know I was supposed to wait for this little girl.” ― Nia Vardalos

Adoption: the legal transfer of parental rights and obligations from birth parents to adoptive parents.

Dear readers,

DP and I are in the adoption screening process. I call it a process, but a better word might be interrogation … ordeal … trial … tribulation … inquiry … tribunal …

“There are times when the adoption process is exhausting and painful and makes you want to scream. But, I am told, so does childbirth.” ― Scott Simon

The process to become declared “adoption ready” is 

long, 

                 invasive, 

                                  emotional,

 intense, 

                         and a lot of work.

It begins with paperwork. 

Piles and piles of paperwork. 

Questionnaires about our lives, and personal habits, and our relationship. 

Intrusive questions.

Then there is the course. Parenting Resource Information Development and Education (PRIDE). 3 hours a week for 9 weeks. With topics like abuse and neglect and the effects on children. With homework each week that is evaluated by the instructors and then sent to the social worker who is doing the safe home study.

The safe home study.

“Despite the reams of paperwork, obstacles worthy of a horse show, and a wait that can rival an elephant's gestation, adoption feels no different on the inside.” ― Scott Simon

A social worker comes to your home and asks you a million questions to get to know you. And needs copies of everything you can think of from your birth certificate, to your taxes, to your life, car, and home insurance policies. This is followed by 3 or 4 more interviews by the social worker who wants to know everything about your life. And finishes up with an inspection of your house looking for things like working smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, and a fire extinguisher. As well as things like furniture secured to the wall and a map of all the fire escape plans for each floor of your house.

And that is just the logistics of the process.

“Even though you weren't born to us, you grew in our hearts. We will be forever connected because love is what makes a family.” ― Deanna Kahler

What goes through your mind while you jump through hoop after hoop is wtf? You think about all those children out there, born to parents who don’t want them, who neglect and abuse them, who mistreat them, and who don’t cherish every moment with them. And you think about how unfair it is that those “parents” were able to just get pregnant and have children and not care for them and we have to go through all of this to get on a list.

So how do I get up every morning and do the next step? Jump through the next hoop? How do I sit through 3 hours of a course I resent having to take?

“Anyone who ever wondered how much they could love a child who did not spring from their own loins, know this: it is the same. The feeling of love is so profound, it's incredible and surprising.” ― Nia Vardalos

How do i keep my hope alive?

I think about the fact that out there in the world right now, somewhere in this city, there is a baby … my baby … s/he was born to parents who are not his/hers. s/he is in care, in a foster home, waiting for us to find her/him. Our baby is out there, and every night I think about our baby and wonder what her/his favourite toy is, and what song s/he likes to be sung. What does s/he like to eat?  And I send warm, loving thoughts, out into the universe to find their way to our baby who we are waiting for. 

out there is the baby that will make me a mother. maybe i am already a mother to him/her. i already love her/him ... s/he just hasn't met us yet. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Reflecting, Renewing, Rejoicing

pausing to notice ...

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Reflection

A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.William Kingdon Clifford

this is a month of reflection for me. looking back, not just on the last 2 years of ttc, but also looking back at the last 35 years. listening to the voice in my head. sometimes the voice isn't nice. sometimes she is a bully. a mean girl.

i have been trying to listen to the voice in my head and hear what she is saying; it's hard to listen without believing her. it's hard to hear what she is saying without believing her. she can be really mean. she judges me, and my choices, harshly.

but it's important to listen to her in order to hear what she is saying so that i can figure out why she is saying it. where do my messages come from? where did i learn the things that i have learned?

lessons from the voice in my head:

1. never tell anyone when you are hurt. keep it to yourself. 
2. never ask for help. find a way to manipulate the help that you need without coming right out and saying "i need help"
3. if you eat one piece of chocolate, you have ruined everything, so you might as well eat the whole thing. and have a second because really? you messed up.
4. if someone is mad at you, that means they are leaving you and they never want to be your friend again, so smooth it over as quickly as possible. 

Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.   – Ram Dass

Renewal

“Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.” ― Steven Hall, The Raw Shark Texts

it's a month of renewal. i have filled the fridge with fresh, locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables. i look forward to eating the fresh foods not only because of how good they taste, and how big the taste is, but because i know that it is good for me.

it makes my body feel good. it makes me feel good emotionally because it doesn't mess with my blood sugar or my hormone levels. but it also makes me feel good psychologically to know that i am making good choices.

today i bought a $7 loaf of bread.

Photo from Bunner's Website

that's nuts. or so i thought. but as i sat in the big red chair eating a slab of bread, still warm ... i decided i would have paid $14.

the bread is made from a blend of bean flours, which gives it extra fiber and protein. but it also has no dairy, no eggs, and no wheat. amazing. it tastes like a spongy white bread. (click here see the link under the photos to go to the Bunner's website if you live in toronto and want to visit this fantastic bakery)

on my kitchen counter right now there are two treats: a cinnamon bun and a vanilla cupcake - both of which are also made with no wheat, no eggs, and no dairy. vegan and gluten-free. sweetened with agave. i can't even begin to describe my excitement.

Photo from Bunner's Website

getting excited about food again is a wonderful feeling. knowing that the food tastes good, is good for me, and wont make me feel sick or sad or anxious or moody. it's an incredible feeling.

i took the time today to really experience the time at acupuncture. to feel the points the needles were in. to feel how my muscles feel. to feel the tension in my muscles. to try to relax the muscles - to release the tension. it feels like in that hour, i am renewing my energy for the week.

Rejoice

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.Lao Tzu

how do you rejoice when there is so much craziness and despair in the world around you? how do you face each day, knowing what is going on in the world? it isn't easy. i am a person who thinks a lot. a person who wonders. a person who ponders what everyone else in the world is doing. i think about my students. i think about my friends. i think about people in other countries. i think about everyone. so how do i take time to rejoice?

i am working on myself. on rejoicing in the small things in life that make me who i am - that make my life what it is.

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

i savour the taste of the fresh, soft, warm bread. i slowly sip my once a day chai latte instead of gulping it down.

i revel in sitting in the livingroom making crochet flowers while BB unravels the wool for me.

i appreciate long car rides with BB, listening to music, looking at the sights around us, appreciating each other's company.

i am rejoicing in the smell of fresh cut grass, the taste of agave in my tea, the sounds of giggling children at the park. i am rejoicing in being with people who make me feel good, who make me feel worthy and valued and like i can be myself. i am rejoicing in seeing old friends, getting a hug, watching friends finish a giant bottle of wine, making plans to do things i wouldn't normally do -  like drive to strafford to see a show, or drive to barrie to see a half-price movie with my best friend, or sit at the coffee shop ACROSS from starbucks (*wink*).

i am rejoicing in thinking about going back to work. meeting my new students. seeing how the returning students have grown. hearing about their summer vacations. getting back into the routines.

i am rejoicing in knowing that soon i will go back to school shopping: the smell and feel of fresh new pencils, pencil crayons, erasers ....

in the midst of chaos, struggle, and major changes, there is good.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.   – Winston Churchill

through reflection, renewal, and rejoicing, the good in the world shines brightly.

my hope for you, whether you are ttc, or starting a new job, or dealing with the health of your family, my hope for you is that you can find the beauty in the day and focus your energy on the positive.

much love,

xoxo


....

there are angels everywhere ... you just have to open your eyes ...

i have posted before about angels who are helping me through this. i have talked at length about gigi and april and how i talk to them and ask them for guidance and for strength.  


and i have posted before about how my most of my angels are here are earth with me:


@ ARD who says funny things about my infertility like "well, they need to fix that." 


@ DV who texts "yay yay yay!" and listens with patience to my detailed descriptions of levels and ultrasounds and my whining and complaining. 


@ HC and GC who send love love love and have been drivers in the most awkward situations imaginable. 


@ AS who gives us love and hugs and comes for tea when she knows we need a distraction. 


@ GT who listens to ALL OF IT and says "no!" at all the right parts and covers for me every time i have an early ultrasound or get caught in traffic after blood work.


 and of course, the most important, 


@ BB, who rubs my belly and talks to my ovaries and lets me cry and tells me it will be okay and reminds me of what this is all for. 


but this week i met a new angel. VS. she was my dance teacher for all 5 years of high school. i went to a show on thursday night and VS was there. we said hello and hugged. and then she said something that i have been replaying over and over in my head. she said:

"i can feel something big is going to happen for you. i can feel it standing right here with you. i want you to open yourself to the universe. be open to creation. focus on being open and then just sit back and watch. don't stress. don't think about it. just watch what you will create." 

drawing borrowed from this website

i have decided that the angels are everywhere: 

@ Bernice who stabs me for blood, but who always makes me laugh and who tells me an abridged version of the clinic gossip (i hope she wins at BINGO soon). 

@ Anna, the nurse, who listens to the doctor and makes faces behind his back when he is babbling about yak urine and yams. 

@ the pharmacist who prepares my prescription each month and makes sure that nothing i am taking will interfere with fertility. 

@ MHD-Z who reads my emails and tells me everything will be alright. who told me to give my body a break and that the 74 day cycle was due to hormonal imbalance from all the drugs in the fall. 

@ CR who asked the most inappropriate questions after only having spoken to her once before, but who made me realize that even though we have been "trying to conceive" for a year and a half, we have actually only had 2 IUIs which in the grand scheme of things is not very long at all. it's about average to take 3-6 tries. 

@ Pokey Sue, who sticks seventy-three needles in me twice a week and balances my chi and got rid of my cysts. 

(april at a picnic at the zoo with a friend's baby. 

she would be made a wonderful mama)

There are angels everywhere. 

you just have to open your eyes. 

xoxo

.......