pride

“You have some queer friends, Dorothy,' she said.The queerness doesn't matter, so long as they're friends,' was the answer” ― L. Frank Baum

why do i get so excited about a million queers coming together to celebrate our diversity and our strength and our pride? 

first of all ... i hate crowds. no, you don't understand, i HATE crowds. i also hate the heat. i hate wandering aimlessly up and down the street. i hate being bumped into. i hate people smoking in the crowds and having to breathe in the smoke. 

so ... why do i love pride weekend? 

we live in toronto, where queer people are somewhat accepted. i am out to my family, friends, colleagues, health care workers, therapist, without issue. i am NOT out to my students. or their parents. because it doesn't feel safe. 

safety. 

i love pride weekend because you can be out and open and express yourself in the safety of the village, surrounded by other queers who get your story, who get your experience. 

“That's one of the things that "queer" can refer to: the open mesh of possibilities, gaps, overlaps, dissonances and resonances, lapses and excesses of meaning when the constituent elements of anyone's gender, of anyone's sexuality aren't made (or can't be made) to signify monolithically.” ― Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick

i remember my first queer pride experience. i was 17 and with an amazing group of friends. we were overwhelmed and amazed. we were shocked by so much that we saw. i wasn't out to many people yet, and it was incredible to be surrounded by queers from all over who were welcoming and happy and celebrating. my first introduction to the queer world was happiness. 

“What I love about being queer is... Everything. I like that it makes me different, and I like that it makes people uncomfortable sometimes. I like that it makes people ask me lots of questions about things they probably would not normally ask people about their relationships or lifestyles. And most of all I love being queer because i get to have a girlfriend.” ― Tegan Quin

over the years, i have done things like walk topless down yonge street with glitter on my breasts, spend hours in the beer garden at the 519 community centre sitting and talking with friends, people watching, walking up and down the street aimlessly for hours, sitting on the street watching people walk by and guessing their stories. 

and the one thing that remains the same is the feeling of community. the feeling of belonging. 

this year, i am missing the pride festivities because i have a choir performance. i have been pissed off about it for months. but as i was thinking about it this morning, i came to realize that my big gay choir is my big gay family - including the annoying cousins, the rude aunts, the creepy uncles, and the dearest hearts. 

so this year, i am not "missing" pride, i am spending it singing with my big queer family on a big gay stage being annoyed, being happy, being out, being proud, being strong, being silly, being irritated, being mad, being giddy, being excited, and being human. 

happy pride!

be kind to yourself, 
xoxo

“Are you queer? she said.Me? Yea, I'm queer as a coot.You dont look it.Is that right? You know a lot of queers?You dont act it I guess I should say.Well darlin what would you know about it?I dont know.Say it again.What?Say it again. I dont know.I dont know.That's good. You need to practice that. It sounds good on you.” ― Cormac McCarthy

...

gratitude

i have been thinking a lot about gratitude and what it means. 

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” 
― Marcel Proust

these last 6 months have been the most difficult of my life and i was able to navigate my way through the darkness because of the support that i received. without that support, i would still be flailing in the darkness. 

and i am grateful. 

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass... get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.” 
― Steve Maraboli

life certainly knocked me on my ass. but just getting up and dealing with my problems wasn't that easy. i needed time to cocoon in a blanket on my couch, to work through the darkness, to become stronger and healthier. and i wasn't able to do it on my own. 

so what does it mean to be grateful?

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” 
― A.A. Milne

being grateful means acknowledging the people who have done something for you, who have given you something, who have supported you. 

“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” 
― Maya Angelou

gratitude is being thankful for the gifts that are offered to you, regardless of what those gifts are and what form they come in. being thankful for a hug. being thankful for a smile. 

“We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.” 
― John F. Kennedy

i make a point of thanking people when it is warranted. being thanked feels good. and doing the thanking feels good too. feels genuine. 

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” 
― Cicero

think about the people who have made a difference in your life. can you find them and thank them? think about the people who make a difference every day. what can you do to express your gratitude? sometimes it means paying it forward. sometimes it means literally saying "thank you." 

it is such a small act with such a huge impact. 

yesterday, i was thanked by a parent for helping their daughter and was told that the biggest thing i did for their daughter was pay attention to her instead of ignoring her and letting her fall through the cracks. it was a little thing for that parent to tell me that, but it made me feel good. 

how can you make someone feel good? leave your ideas in the comments field, or send me an email. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

guilt

today's post is co-written by my friend LES. i almost feel like she wrote the bulk of the post. and i think it is an important post, so i am going to publish it. 

"Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation."  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_(emotion)

guilt is something that we all feel at some point. whether warranted or not. i feel like we are always already guilty. born with guilt built in as a mechanism of reacting and interacting with our world. the trick is to know how to use guilt as a teacher. 

LES says that there are 3 types of guilt:

1. you have no part to play but feel guilty.
2. you have some part but don't own it all
3. you are to blame and own all the guilt. 

how we deal with these situations is related to our resilience. 

"Guilt and its associated causes, merits, and demerits are common themes in psychologyand psychiatry. Both in specialized and in ordinary language, guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done). It gives rise to a feeling which does not go away easily, driven by 'conscience'.Sigmund Freud described this as the result of a struggle between the ego and the superego – parental imprinting. Freud rejected the role of God as punisher in times of illness or rewarder in time of wellness. While removing one source of guilt from patients, he described another. This was the unconscious force within the individual that contributed to illness, Freud in fact coming to consider "the obstacle of an unconscious sense of guilt...as the most powerful of all obstacles to recovery." - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_(emotion)

guilt as an obstacle. we get stuck in our guilt and find it hard to move forward. LES talked about full guilt and partial guilt:

with partial guilt, you can look at what is your part, but then look at how it isn't, who else was involved, how you are part of a bigger picture.
and with full guilt- you did do it - how you can learn from it and make sure you dont do it again. how you can understand why you did what you did in the moment and how this can help you release some of the shame /guilt and move forward and learn.

learning from our actions and our behaviour is the most important thing that we can do in life. 

so what? how do we deal with guilt?

1. identify what kind of guilt you are experiencing.
2. identify the purpose of the guilt in your life?
3. make amends. 
4. recognize what you did, and move on.
5. learn from your behaviours/actions

and how is guilt connected to resilience? 

resilience is our ability to bounce back from our guilt, from things that have happened to us, from things that we think are our fault, whether or not they are. 

LES has been exploring resilience, how she can relate to other people's stories and how resilience can hold strength and weakness in one definition.

so what is resilience and how is it helpful?

resilience is the ability to adapt to stress and adversity. it is the ability to get knocked down and get back up again. 

i want to talk about ferns ... yes, that's right ... ferns ... the plant. 

ferns are really cool for a number of reasons. and they are a symbol of resilience. 

ferns have been around for about 360 million years. they grow in various climates and ecosystems, from dry lands to oceans. ferns don't have seeds. they contain everything within themselves to reproduce. ferns grow in adverse conditions. and when conditions are adverse, ferns curl up to protect themselves until after the storm. 

ferns are also used as a spiritual symbol. 

"The tightly curled fronds of young ferns are deceptive and it would be impossible to guess what a full grown fern would look like at this stage of development. Human kind is the same. Our consciousness must be awakened through life experience, learning, and awareness. Like the fern, we grow and flourish if we unfurl toward light or truth. The more we unfurl, the more the tendrils of our true nature begin to show as we loosen, surrender and soften, releasing and opening as we let go of old stories and rigidly constructed belief systems which contribute to negative patterns of behavior." http://www.fernlifecenter.com/about-fern-life/why-the-fern/

LES said: 

the fern has such strength and yet equal vulnerability. It has the ability to let itself be vulnerable and be beatiful in its vulnerability. I love that they also have the strength in their core to keep them going when things get tough and that they are able to curl themselve up and weather the storm - protecting their vulneralble branchy bits… still there, still holding on, just able to keep all the bits safe with the strength of the core. its a resourceful little bugger… i love that about it. it is often overlooked becuase it isn't shiny and pretty on the outside but it holds much depth and strength and intensity…. i like that. I identify with that.

what does resilience mean to you? what images come to mind? what symbols? 

i look forward to your responses. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

sleep

i must confess ... i have been having an affair ... with sleeping. 

napping specifically. napping is the best. 

i never napped as a child. i was the kid who would get to stay up at naptime in daycare because i wouldn't fall asleep. i can remember being forced to lay down on the couch at my babysitter's and laying there day after day, waiting to be allowed to get back up again. 

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?” ― Ernest Hemingway

at night, i often wake up numerous times. over and over again i see the hours pass by on the clock. but during the day, i find the wonderful bliss of sleep. the bliss of a nap. 

there is nothing like the sunshine streaming in the window, the fan blowing gently, and curling up in my bed, closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep. 

but why am i sleeping so much lately? why do i find it hard to stay awake during the day?

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” ― Stephen Chbosky

sometimes i want to just slip into sleep and stay there. my bed is warm and cozy. and the outside world doesn't reach into my dreams. the night has always been hard for me to sleep. i can remember being 9 and tossing and turning. sleeping upside down. trying to sleep with my legs up on the wall. 

this discovery of napping is very new for me. for some reason, i find it easier to fall asleep during the day.  

“I've always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.” ― David Benioff

at night, i wake up and then lay there, wishing i could fall back to sleep. eventually i do fall asleep, only to wake up another hour or so later. 

in the daytime, waking up after an hour or two works well. 

yesterday SC and i fell asleep on the couch and it was suddenly 7pm. it was a great nap after a fun adventure in the morning.

“Sleep is my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion.” ― Audrey Niffenegger

sometimes i wonder if i am truly tired, or if i just want to enter that space where i can escape from the world. the one place where the outside world can't touch me. and other times i think that i am truly tired. maybe i have low iron. or maybe naps are my way of sorting out what is going on in my mind - by entering the dream world and letting my thoughts process. 

“It was that sort of sleep in which you wake every hour and think to yourself that you have not been sleeping at all; you can remember dreams that are like reflections, daytime thinking slightly warped.” ― Kim Stanley Robinson

my dreams have been vivid lately. vivid and full of crazy plot twists. dreams about people i know. dreams about places i have been. dreams about driving. dreams where i am trying to run but my feet will only move in slow motion. 

“I made a nap this afternoon. I made it out of two pillows, a bed, a sheet, a blanket, and exhaustion.” ― Jarod Kintz

this afternoon i didn't nap. only because i slept in until 1:30!!! it was the best sleep. lying in the sunshine in my cozy bed with my cozy blankets and cozy pillows. 

as i write this, i am watching the clock, knowing that it is getting late and that soon it will be time for bed. my favourite time of day. the time of day when i get to cuddle and feel loved, and then i get to drift off to sleep. 

mmmmmm ............ sleeeeeeep ......... zzzzzzzzzz ...

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake.” ― Frances Ann Lebowitz

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

“Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don't read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.

Don't power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap.”

― S.A.R.K.

...

writers block

“Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?” 

― Kurt Vonnegut

i have been struggling to write over the last month. struggling to find topics. struggling to find words. i have spent hours staring at the blank screen, waiting for ideas to burst forth from my fingers. 

i love the feeling of the keys clicking under my fingers. the sound of the keys, clicking and clacking. click click click making words, sentences, thoughts and ideas. phrases that will be read. phrases that share my inner world. 

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.” 

― Lili St. Crow

i love to write. i am scripturient. my OAC english teacher called me a prolific writer. i write every day. and the idea that i am out of ideas scares me. so, i am writing about writing. i am writing about my lack of writing, my struggle to write.

“Don’t waste time waiting for inspiration. Begin, and inspiration will find you.” 

― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

i am sitting here, listening to the click click click, feeling the keys clickity clack under my fingers. hoping that i will come up with some brilliant idea that will inspire my readers. or more importantly, inspire myself. 

“I haven't written in a week. It's like holding your breath under water. You feel an awful constriction and then the instinct to propel yourself.” ― D.A. Botta

it's only been 2 days since i have written. but it feels much longer. the absence of words leaves an emptiness inside of me. a longing to put my thoughts into words. words into phrases. phrases into organized ideas. breathing life into words, and words into breath. 

the typing is rhythmic and soothing. like a drum beating to the rhythm of a heartbeat, my typing makes me feel alive. and having nothing to write about leaves an absence deep inside of me. 

“All writing problems are psychological problems. Blocks usually stem from the fear of being judged. If you imagine the world listening, you'll never write a line. That's why privacy is so important. You should write first drafts as if they will never be shown to anyone.” ― Erica Jong

as a blog writer, i don't have the luxury of pretending to write like no one will ever read what i say. this blog has had over 12,500 page views. 12,500 times something that i have written has been read. it is an instant way of connecting with the world. there is nothing as satisfying as getting comments and responses to my writing - even when those responses disagree with me. in fact, the disagreements are the most exciting responses for me to read.

“writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all” ― Charles Bukowski

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

CRBDAC 6 months later ...

i'm proud of me, 

sometimes, 

some days. 

i told radical t today that it's been 6 months since i abused sedatives. i told her that nosy nora suggested i write about it. i also told her that it's no big deal. i believe i said "it is what it is." 

radical t suggested that perhaps there was more to it than that. that if it wasn't a big deal i wouldn't have told her. that perhaps there was something deeper there. 

am i proud? 

sometimes. 

to be honest, it feels like 6 months was a lifetime ago. 

6 months ago i was terrified of the word "addiction" and preferred nosy nora's description of "continued repetitions of behaviours despite adverse consequences" or CRBDAC. 

6 months ago i was sneaking gravol, or whatever sedative i could find to help me sleep, to help me feel numb, to help me turn off my brain ...

i no longer think about where there might be gravol hiding ... like under the couch cushions or stuffed in an old suitcase. and i also know that there aren't any in the house anymore. 

even though there are nights i lay awake wishing i was sleeping, there are nights where i do sleep and i know that i don't need sedatives. 

if you don't know what i am talking about, go back and read this post: http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/03/sobriety-and-numbness-aka-crbdac.html

but mostly, i have learned that it is okay to feel things. even when those feelings are difficult and painful. 

feelings come and go. 

as captain stressy pants likes to tell me, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. 

nosy nora says feelings are just feelings and they will pass. and she also says that it's okay to feel them. 

i have been given permission to have those nasty mean feelings that i never let myself have before - like being angry, and jealous. 

feelings are hard. i spent 30 years trying to avoid feelings. and 6 months learning to allow them. i had to make a list of feeling words. there is nothing worse than when i'm asked how i feel ... because i often don't know. i wasn't taught to talk about my feelings. i wasn't given the vocabulary. 

i couldn't have gone on this journey without the help of SC, my friends, and nosy nora. so thank you to all of you who have listened to me, who have guided me, and who have not judged me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

secrecy and privacy

“All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

today nosy nora brought up the difference between secrecy and privacy. 

secrecy: the action of keeping something secret. something that is kept unknown by others. 

privacy: the condition of being free from being observed by other people. 

i think that there are much larger differences. i think that secrecy implies shame. captain stressy pants suggested that it also implies something negative. 

“If you have to keep a secret it's because you shouldn't be doing it in the first place” ― David Nicholls

secrets are things that can hurt other people. secrets are gossip. secrets are harmful. 

“Privacy - like eating and breathing - is one of life's basic requirements.” ― Katherine Neville

privacy is a right we all have. privacy means being able to keep things to yourself. privacy means having things that no one else needs to know - things that are just for you. 

“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it- it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” 

― Brené Brown

secrets are shameful things that we don't want to bring into the light. private things are simply that: private. 

“If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.” ― David Sedaris

when we invade someone's privacy, we sometimes learn things that we didn't want to know. and the only people who suffer are the ones who invaded the privacy in the first place. 

everyone has the right to private thoughts, private desires, private fantasies, private writing, private space. 

“Here in your mind you have complete privacy. Here there's no difference between what is and what could be.” ― Chuck Palahniuk

we all have private lives. not telling my students about my life at home isn't about me keeping secrets, it's about me having privacy. 

“Privacy is not something that I'm merely entitled to, it's an absolute prerequisite.” ― Marlon Brando

we are all entitled to privacy, even from our best friends, our family, and our partners. everyone needs to be able to have thoughts and desires that are simply theirs for their own minds. nosy nora used the example of sexual fantasies - before the internet and the ability to look up anything and everything, people fantasized privately in their own minds. now when they get "caught" looking at their fantasies online, it becomes a secret ... which implies shame. but there is nothing wrong with having a fantasy. it's not a secret, it's a private thought. 

“Privacy - like eating and breathing - is one of life's basic requirements.” ― Katherine Neville

there is nothing wrong with privacy. we are all entitled to it. secrets, on the other hand, breed shame. so ask yourself, is what you're keeping to yourself a secret, or is it private? 

be kind to yourself, in public and in private,

xoxo

“And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell...You know you love me.XOXO,Gossip Girl” ― Cecily von Ziegesar

...

adoption

“Because now I know what I have been waiting for. I know exactly why the other processes didn't work. I know I was supposed to wait for this little girl.” ― Nia Vardalos

Adoption: the legal transfer of parental rights and obligations from birth parents to adoptive parents.

Dear readers,

DP and I are in the adoption screening process. I call it a process, but a better word might be interrogation … ordeal … trial … tribulation … inquiry … tribunal …

“There are times when the adoption process is exhausting and painful and makes you want to scream. But, I am told, so does childbirth.” ― Scott Simon

The process to become declared “adoption ready” is 

long, 

                 invasive, 

                                  emotional,

 intense, 

                         and a lot of work.

It begins with paperwork. 

Piles and piles of paperwork. 

Questionnaires about our lives, and personal habits, and our relationship. 

Intrusive questions.

Then there is the course. Parenting Resource Information Development and Education (PRIDE). 3 hours a week for 9 weeks. With topics like abuse and neglect and the effects on children. With homework each week that is evaluated by the instructors and then sent to the social worker who is doing the safe home study.

The safe home study.

“Despite the reams of paperwork, obstacles worthy of a horse show, and a wait that can rival an elephant's gestation, adoption feels no different on the inside.” ― Scott Simon

A social worker comes to your home and asks you a million questions to get to know you. And needs copies of everything you can think of from your birth certificate, to your taxes, to your life, car, and home insurance policies. This is followed by 3 or 4 more interviews by the social worker who wants to know everything about your life. And finishes up with an inspection of your house looking for things like working smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, and a fire extinguisher. As well as things like furniture secured to the wall and a map of all the fire escape plans for each floor of your house.

And that is just the logistics of the process.

“Even though you weren't born to us, you grew in our hearts. We will be forever connected because love is what makes a family.” ― Deanna Kahler

What goes through your mind while you jump through hoop after hoop is wtf? You think about all those children out there, born to parents who don’t want them, who neglect and abuse them, who mistreat them, and who don’t cherish every moment with them. And you think about how unfair it is that those “parents” were able to just get pregnant and have children and not care for them and we have to go through all of this to get on a list.

So how do I get up every morning and do the next step? Jump through the next hoop? How do I sit through 3 hours of a course I resent having to take?

“Anyone who ever wondered how much they could love a child who did not spring from their own loins, know this: it is the same. The feeling of love is so profound, it's incredible and surprising.” ― Nia Vardalos

How do i keep my hope alive?

I think about the fact that out there in the world right now, somewhere in this city, there is a baby … my baby … s/he was born to parents who are not his/hers. s/he is in care, in a foster home, waiting for us to find her/him. Our baby is out there, and every night I think about our baby and wonder what her/his favourite toy is, and what song s/he likes to be sung. What does s/he like to eat?  And I send warm, loving thoughts, out into the universe to find their way to our baby who we are waiting for. 

out there is the baby that will make me a mother. maybe i am already a mother to him/her. i already love her/him ... s/he just hasn't met us yet. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

music

“Without music, life would be a mistake.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

i think music is innate in all of us. we are born with a natural rhythm. think about babies moving to the music. think about that video of that baby bopping along to beyonce ...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU9MuM4lP18&feature=kp
we are born to move to the rhythm of the earth, the sky, and our hearts. 

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” 
― Bob Marley

music was always complicated for me. i loved music from the time i was born. but at school, i always felt discouraged from singing and making music. i felt like the other kids were given opportunities and that i was left on the sidelines. so i made it my mission to immerse myself in music. between the ages of 6 and 14, i learned:

• piano
• violin
• guitar
• drums
• recorder
• and even the glockenspiel 

all as a way to find my voice. to find a way to speak that which had no words. 

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” 
― Victor Hugo

it wasn't until grade 8 that i discovered i could sing. i had always been discouraged from singing. my aunt once told me, "CP is talented, but you, you just have an average voice, anyone can sing." so i hid in the background. 

then i had a teacher, one i wish i could track down in the world and thank for saving my life. for changing my life. for believing in me. and she encouraged me to sing. she made the music teacher give me a solo in the concert. and she helped me audition for an arts school. 

“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.” 
― Albert Einstein

music became my refuge. that same teacher helped me get my first guitar when i was 13. and i played that old nylon-stringed guitar every day for my entire teen-aged years. my guitar became an extension of mySelf. 

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” 
― Maya Angelou

i love the way the curves of the guitar fit on my thigh and cradles my breast. i love the smell of the wood, the feel of the nylon strings as i strum, the echo of the notes in the body of the guitar. 

“Where words leave off, music begins.” 
― Heinrich Heine

there are things that words can't express and that is where music takes over. there is nothing like singing in harmony in a group of people; letting the notes ring. 

“Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here!” 
― J.K. Rowling

music is magical. 

if you don't play or sing, you can listen. with earphones. (my new favourite song is by Hedley and it is called "Headphones" ... have a listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcKCOS6bhN4 ) let yourself be immersed in the sound of the music. sing along. loudly. dance in your kitchen when no one is watching. feel the rhythm. 

“Music . . . can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable.” 
― Leonard Bernstein

be kind to yourself, and let yourself feel the music,

xoxo

...

hiking

things that went through my mind on my 2 hour hike today ...

what a beautiful day

look, a purple butterfly

my feet hurt

this hill is steep

like, really steep

look, a porcupine

i wonder if porcupines can cuddle with each other?

i like to cuddle. what would life be like without cuddles? i think it would suck. cuddles are an important part of my every day. i wish i were cuddling now, instead of waking uphill. 

my feet hurt. 

if i had no feet, i couldn't walk. if i couldn't walk, i couldn't do this hike. if i couldn't do this hike i would be relaxing on the couch ... but i have feet and they hurt.

oh look, another purple butterfly! they are pretty. i love butterflies. mosquitoes are like butterflies, but they bite and make you itchy. so they aren't really like butterflies at all. but they are all insects. but we only like pretty insects. it's kind of like how pretty people get their way more. 

my feet hurt. and my legs hurt too. this hill is so steep. and it's so hot. i'm so sweaty. wait, what? i have to cross the creek by balancing on that thin log? are you kidding me? now i have wet feet that hurt. and muddy too. and there are more mosquitoes. 

i'm never going to make it. i'm too tired, and too big, and too out of shape, and too fat, and too ... oh, look, flat ground! i can do this. this is easy. it's a beautiful day. more butterflies. the mosquitoes are finally gone. i love hiking. let's do it again tomorrow. 


be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

dis-em-bodied

disembodied. 

dis em body

dis them body

dis my body

this body is not me. this body is not my body. i don't recognize this body that i am in. mounds of flesh that aren't mine. layers of protection from the outside world. protection that got too thick. protection that got carried away. 

this body is not my body. 

this body is not me.

i talk to this body,

beg it to change. beg it to cooperate. beg it to be different. 

i hide this body. i hide it under layers of clothing. baggy tops that hide my flesh. sweaters when it's hot, hiding this body that is not mine. this body that is not me. 

i hate this body that i carry around. it's an imposition. i am an impostor, walking around in a body that is not mine. 

i am thoughts and feelings and energy and words. i am writing and reading and guitar playing and piano notes and songs. i am teaching and learning. i am talking. i am thinking. i am not this body. this body is not me. this body is not mine. 

people see this body. this body is presented as me. i am read as this body. this body that is not me. this body that is not mine. these mounds of flesh that hide who i am. 

when a stranger on the street calls me fat, i can't say, "oh yeah, well DP says i'm beautiful." or "oh yeah, well nosy nora says i have an energy about me and you're stupid that you can't see it." all i can do is take in the abuse. and then abuse myself. call myself names. call myself fat, and ugly, and lazy, and stupid, and useless, and worthless, and undeserving. 

all because of this extra weight that is carried on this body that is not me, this body that is not mine. 

this body doesn't move how i tell it to. the body in my mind can dance and walk for hours. the body in mind can do yoga like i used to. the body in my mind can do all sorts of things that this body can't do. this body gets tired. this body gets sore. this body doesn't have the flexibility. this body refuses to cooperate. 

i HATE this body. i HATE being stuck in a body that isn't mine, that isn't me. i HATE this body and i want it to go away. i want to peel off the layers. until i find myself. until i find the body underneath that is me. the body that is mine. 

i feel trapped inside a body that isn't me.

disconnected. disembodied. 

this is my body. but it is not my body. my body is not me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...