ways to be numb:
pills
food
alcohol
extreme sports
exercise
sleep
avoiding people and social situations
gambling
smoking
sex
the internet
we numb ourselves to avoid the difficult feelings. the feelings that are overwhelming.
“I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind.”
― Jessica Sorensen
the pain of being left behind can be drowning. the pain of friends growing apart. of lovers leaving. of loved ones dying. of friends moving away or moving on.
“I’ve perfected the art of the fake smile. It’s not so difficult when you are completely numb.”
― Bethany Griffin
when you numb yourself to the pain so completely, that you feel nothing, you find yourself able to fake your way through your life. a fake smile plastered on your face and the answer, "fine" when asked how you are. when you numb yourself so completely to the pain, you feel nothing, not even the good feelings.
“I was enveloped in numbness, and absence of feeling so deep the bottom was lost from view.”
― Haruki Murakami
when you allow the numbness to take over, you can no longer see how far there is to fall. the bottom has fallen out from under you and you feel nothing. numbing yourself prevents you from being able to see the world realistically. you see only what you want to see.
“Once I was free; there was no cage that could bind me, and I had yet to create my box of numbness within my mind to be my silent protector.”
― J.D. Stroube
numbness is used for protection. to protect your mind from reliving pain, from experiencing sadness, from thinking about loss. but the numbness, whether through food or drugs or alcohol or gambling or sleep ... the numbness prevents you from feeling the good things in life. prevents you from seeing the beauty in a sunflower, the wonder in a baby's smile, the amazement of a sunset, the warmth of a hug.
numbing is a form of addiction. or what i like to call CRBDAC (Continued repetition of Behaviours Despite Adverse Consequences - Nosy Nora).
Addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease affecting the brain’s reward, motivation, and related systems. People struggling with addiction are unable to control their actions or make rational decisions about their behaviour, even in the face of negative consequences.
http://www.albertafamilywellness.org/brain-development-addiction/different-kinds-addiction
finding a way to work through the numbness, to allow in the feelings, means overcoming addiction and you may need to seek support to do this effectively.
being numb may feel good in the moment, in the short-term. but over time numbness takes over and becomes a natural way of being. but the truth is, there is nothing natural about being numb to the wonderous world in which we live.
finding ways to numb yourself becomes habitual and can feel good. interesting ... the lack of feeling can feel good. but it is not a real feeling of goodness. it is false.
if you are finding that you are numbing ... please seek support. feel free to email me and i will try to help you find support in your area.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Showing posts with label CRBDAC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CRBDAC. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 August 2014
Wednesday, 18 June 2014
CRBDAC 6 months later ...
i'm proud of me,
sometimes,
some days.
i told radical t today that it's been 6 months since i abused sedatives. i told her that nosy nora suggested i write about it. i also told her that it's no big deal. i believe i said "it is what it is."
radical t suggested that perhaps there was more to it than that. that if it wasn't a big deal i wouldn't have told her. that perhaps there was something deeper there.
am i proud?
sometimes.
to be honest, it feels like 6 months was a lifetime ago.
6 months ago i was terrified of the word "addiction" and preferred nosy nora's description of "continued repetitions of behaviours despite adverse consequences" or CRBDAC.
6 months ago i was sneaking gravol, or whatever sedative i could find to help me sleep, to help me feel numb, to help me turn off my brain ...
i no longer think about where there might be gravol hiding ... like under the couch cushions or stuffed in an old suitcase. and i also know that there aren't any in the house anymore.
even though there are nights i lay awake wishing i was sleeping, there are nights where i do sleep and i know that i don't need sedatives.
if you don't know what i am talking about, go back and read this post: http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/03/sobriety-and-numbness-aka-crbdac.html
but mostly, i have learned that it is okay to feel things. even when those feelings are difficult and painful.
feelings come and go.
as captain stressy pants likes to tell me, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.
nosy nora says feelings are just feelings and they will pass. and she also says that it's okay to feel them.
i have been given permission to have those nasty mean feelings that i never let myself have before - like being angry, and jealous.
feelings are hard. i spent 30 years trying to avoid feelings. and 6 months learning to allow them. i had to make a list of feeling words. there is nothing worse than when i'm asked how i feel ... because i often don't know. i wasn't taught to talk about my feelings. i wasn't given the vocabulary.
i couldn't have gone on this journey without the help of SC, my friends, and nosy nora. so thank you to all of you who have listened to me, who have guided me, and who have not judged me.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
sometimes,
some days.
i told radical t today that it's been 6 months since i abused sedatives. i told her that nosy nora suggested i write about it. i also told her that it's no big deal. i believe i said "it is what it is."
radical t suggested that perhaps there was more to it than that. that if it wasn't a big deal i wouldn't have told her. that perhaps there was something deeper there.
am i proud?
sometimes.
to be honest, it feels like 6 months was a lifetime ago.
6 months ago i was terrified of the word "addiction" and preferred nosy nora's description of "continued repetitions of behaviours despite adverse consequences" or CRBDAC.
6 months ago i was sneaking gravol, or whatever sedative i could find to help me sleep, to help me feel numb, to help me turn off my brain ...
i no longer think about where there might be gravol hiding ... like under the couch cushions or stuffed in an old suitcase. and i also know that there aren't any in the house anymore.
even though there are nights i lay awake wishing i was sleeping, there are nights where i do sleep and i know that i don't need sedatives.
if you don't know what i am talking about, go back and read this post: http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/03/sobriety-and-numbness-aka-crbdac.html
but mostly, i have learned that it is okay to feel things. even when those feelings are difficult and painful.
feelings come and go.
as captain stressy pants likes to tell me, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.
nosy nora says feelings are just feelings and they will pass. and she also says that it's okay to feel them.
i have been given permission to have those nasty mean feelings that i never let myself have before - like being angry, and jealous.
feelings are hard. i spent 30 years trying to avoid feelings. and 6 months learning to allow them. i had to make a list of feeling words. there is nothing worse than when i'm asked how i feel ... because i often don't know. i wasn't taught to talk about my feelings. i wasn't given the vocabulary.
i couldn't have gone on this journey without the help of SC, my friends, and nosy nora. so thank you to all of you who have listened to me, who have guided me, and who have not judged me.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
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