― Dr. Seuss
i have been worried about writing an update on my state of mind. worried that i would jinx it. worried that i would be speaking too soon and everything would come crashing down around me if i dared to write about how i am doing these days.
the truth is ... i feel ... happy.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
i have worked hard to work through issues, to face my darkness, to be vulnerable, and to come out of my cocoon into happiness.
maybe it's the sunshine. or the love and support i am receiving. maybe it's the warm weather or the long walks. maybe it's the changes i am making in my life and in my mind; in the way that i think. whatever it is, i feel true happiness for the first time in a long time.
“There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”
― Stephen Chbosky
do you ever laugh so hard that it hurts? do you ever get the giggles and laugh until you cry? laughing with friends is better than any medicine. when i was a kid, i would get the giggles and couldn't stop laughing. i had to leave class on several occasions because i just couldn't get myself together to stop laughing. those are the best kind of laughs.
“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer
i think that allowing myself to feel the sadness. to feel my grief, and my hurt, and my pain. to feel the dark emotions that i avoided for so long. i think that feeling those emotions - letting them in - has allowed me to let in the good feelings. and these good feelings are filling me up with happiness. don't misunderstand, i still feel the bad feelings. i still have stress and anxiety and worries and fears and grief and sadness and all the pain of the world. but those feelings don't weigh me down. i feel uplifted. i feel like i can fly.
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
― Chuck Palahniuk,
i allowed myself to look inside. to face my own darkness. to be vulnerable. to put myself out there. i allowed myself to share my stories. and this has left me feeling happiness.
“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.”
― Ayn Rand
i am learning that i am worth something. i am worthy, and deserving. these are new words for me. and these are words that scare me. but also make me feel happy.
“All happiness depends on courage and work.”
― Honoré de Balzac
it has taken a great deal of work to get to this place. i have had to be brave and face my darkness and face my fears. i have had to take risks. and all of this has brought me happiness.
so there it is, readers, i feel happy. something i never thought would happen. when you are numb to the bad feelings of the world, you are numb to the good feelings too.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.”
― J.M. Barrie
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