pride

“You have some queer friends, Dorothy,' she said.The queerness doesn't matter, so long as they're friends,' was the answer” ― L. Frank Baum

why do i get so excited about a million queers coming together to celebrate our diversity and our strength and our pride? 

first of all ... i hate crowds. no, you don't understand, i HATE crowds. i also hate the heat. i hate wandering aimlessly up and down the street. i hate being bumped into. i hate people smoking in the crowds and having to breathe in the smoke. 

so ... why do i love pride weekend? 

we live in toronto, where queer people are somewhat accepted. i am out to my family, friends, colleagues, health care workers, therapist, without issue. i am NOT out to my students. or their parents. because it doesn't feel safe. 

safety. 

i love pride weekend because you can be out and open and express yourself in the safety of the village, surrounded by other queers who get your story, who get your experience. 

“That's one of the things that "queer" can refer to: the open mesh of possibilities, gaps, overlaps, dissonances and resonances, lapses and excesses of meaning when the constituent elements of anyone's gender, of anyone's sexuality aren't made (or can't be made) to signify monolithically.” ― Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick

i remember my first queer pride experience. i was 17 and with an amazing group of friends. we were overwhelmed and amazed. we were shocked by so much that we saw. i wasn't out to many people yet, and it was incredible to be surrounded by queers from all over who were welcoming and happy and celebrating. my first introduction to the queer world was happiness. 

“What I love about being queer is... Everything. I like that it makes me different, and I like that it makes people uncomfortable sometimes. I like that it makes people ask me lots of questions about things they probably would not normally ask people about their relationships or lifestyles. And most of all I love being queer because i get to have a girlfriend.” ― Tegan Quin

over the years, i have done things like walk topless down yonge street with glitter on my breasts, spend hours in the beer garden at the 519 community centre sitting and talking with friends, people watching, walking up and down the street aimlessly for hours, sitting on the street watching people walk by and guessing their stories. 

and the one thing that remains the same is the feeling of community. the feeling of belonging. 

this year, i am missing the pride festivities because i have a choir performance. i have been pissed off about it for months. but as i was thinking about it this morning, i came to realize that my big gay choir is my big gay family - including the annoying cousins, the rude aunts, the creepy uncles, and the dearest hearts. 

so this year, i am not "missing" pride, i am spending it singing with my big queer family on a big gay stage being annoyed, being happy, being out, being proud, being strong, being silly, being irritated, being mad, being giddy, being excited, and being human. 

happy pride!

be kind to yourself, 
xoxo

“Are you queer? she said.Me? Yea, I'm queer as a coot.You dont look it.Is that right? You know a lot of queers?You dont act it I guess I should say.Well darlin what would you know about it?I dont know.Say it again.What?Say it again. I dont know.I dont know.That's good. You need to practice that. It sounds good on you.” ― Cormac McCarthy

...

CRBDAC 6 months later ...

i'm proud of me, 

sometimes, 

some days. 

i told radical t today that it's been 6 months since i abused sedatives. i told her that nosy nora suggested i write about it. i also told her that it's no big deal. i believe i said "it is what it is." 

radical t suggested that perhaps there was more to it than that. that if it wasn't a big deal i wouldn't have told her. that perhaps there was something deeper there. 

am i proud? 

sometimes. 

to be honest, it feels like 6 months was a lifetime ago. 

6 months ago i was terrified of the word "addiction" and preferred nosy nora's description of "continued repetitions of behaviours despite adverse consequences" or CRBDAC. 

6 months ago i was sneaking gravol, or whatever sedative i could find to help me sleep, to help me feel numb, to help me turn off my brain ...

i no longer think about where there might be gravol hiding ... like under the couch cushions or stuffed in an old suitcase. and i also know that there aren't any in the house anymore. 

even though there are nights i lay awake wishing i was sleeping, there are nights where i do sleep and i know that i don't need sedatives. 

if you don't know what i am talking about, go back and read this post: http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/03/sobriety-and-numbness-aka-crbdac.html

but mostly, i have learned that it is okay to feel things. even when those feelings are difficult and painful. 

feelings come and go. 

as captain stressy pants likes to tell me, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. 

nosy nora says feelings are just feelings and they will pass. and she also says that it's okay to feel them. 

i have been given permission to have those nasty mean feelings that i never let myself have before - like being angry, and jealous. 

feelings are hard. i spent 30 years trying to avoid feelings. and 6 months learning to allow them. i had to make a list of feeling words. there is nothing worse than when i'm asked how i feel ... because i often don't know. i wasn't taught to talk about my feelings. i wasn't given the vocabulary. 

i couldn't have gone on this journey without the help of SC, my friends, and nosy nora. so thank you to all of you who have listened to me, who have guided me, and who have not judged me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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