music

“Without music, life would be a mistake.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

i think music is innate in all of us. we are born with a natural rhythm. think about babies moving to the music. think about that video of that baby bopping along to beyonce ...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU9MuM4lP18&feature=kp
we are born to move to the rhythm of the earth, the sky, and our hearts. 

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” 
― Bob Marley

music was always complicated for me. i loved music from the time i was born. but at school, i always felt discouraged from singing and making music. i felt like the other kids were given opportunities and that i was left on the sidelines. so i made it my mission to immerse myself in music. between the ages of 6 and 14, i learned:

• piano
• violin
• guitar
• drums
• recorder
• and even the glockenspiel 

all as a way to find my voice. to find a way to speak that which had no words. 

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” 
― Victor Hugo

it wasn't until grade 8 that i discovered i could sing. i had always been discouraged from singing. my aunt once told me, "CP is talented, but you, you just have an average voice, anyone can sing." so i hid in the background. 

then i had a teacher, one i wish i could track down in the world and thank for saving my life. for changing my life. for believing in me. and she encouraged me to sing. she made the music teacher give me a solo in the concert. and she helped me audition for an arts school. 

“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.” 
― Albert Einstein

music became my refuge. that same teacher helped me get my first guitar when i was 13. and i played that old nylon-stringed guitar every day for my entire teen-aged years. my guitar became an extension of mySelf. 

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” 
― Maya Angelou

i love the way the curves of the guitar fit on my thigh and cradles my breast. i love the smell of the wood, the feel of the nylon strings as i strum, the echo of the notes in the body of the guitar. 

“Where words leave off, music begins.” 
― Heinrich Heine

there are things that words can't express and that is where music takes over. there is nothing like singing in harmony in a group of people; letting the notes ring. 

“Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here!” 
― J.K. Rowling

music is magical. 

if you don't play or sing, you can listen. with earphones. (my new favourite song is by Hedley and it is called "Headphones" ... have a listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcKCOS6bhN4 ) let yourself be immersed in the sound of the music. sing along. loudly. dance in your kitchen when no one is watching. feel the rhythm. 

“Music . . . can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable.” 
― Leonard Bernstein

be kind to yourself, and let yourself feel the music,

xoxo

...

harmony

this weekend i participated in an LGBTQ choral music festival that happens once every 4 years in different parts of canada. this year there were 19 choirs participating. between the parties, the lack of sleep, the lack of time to eat proper food, the rehearsals, the ironing of shirts ... there came a moment as i was listening to a choir sing that i thought about what it meant to have the "luxury" to sit in a room full of LGBTQ people who share a love of music - a love of singing together in harmony. 

i wanted to share with you what it means to sing in an LGBTQ choir. it is an experience like no other. here is a quote from the 20th anniversary of my choir ... 

The world was a different place twenty years ago. Basic gay rights in Ontario had only been passed through provincial parliament in 1986. AIDS had killed thousands, with no good treatment in sight. Coming out could still shock people. Standing on stage and singing as a gay and lesbian choir was an act of defiance, and an opportunity to put a very different face on the community than that seen on the news.Through twenty years of change, Singing Out has been there, protesting, entertaining, celebrating, educating, and changing hearts through music. We’ve shown how very different kinds of people can work together to make something wonderful happen, starting by learning to manage a little harmony. 

http://www.singingout.com/20th-anniversary/

harmony ... the interlocking of different parts into a singular whole. the harmony of music. the harmony of ideas. the harmony of a group.


“It is a powerful and amazing force with all these voices working towards one purpose and one song.”

singing with a queer choir is a special kind of experience. although it is not me singular identity, being a lesbian means something to me. and to sing with a group of people who "get it" is really important to me. to share my voice with the voices of others who have similar narratives is a way of making harmony. 

“It was a completely different way of fighting the culture war, by reaching out rather than striking back. And it was a place I knew I could make a difference.”

our choir chooses songs that have a message. we fight against homophobia, and against oppression by joining our voices together in song. we sing against injustice. we don't hide who we are, we stand proud and strong. 

“The most challenging moment as a member of the choir came when, in my first year, I had to sing a song entitled: “I Like Being A Dyke.” I could hardly say the word “dyke” in conversation! To sing it proudly and become comfortable with the word was a definite challenge!”

i am lucky. i shouldn't have to define myself as lucky. but i do. i came out at 17 and was fully supported by my friends and teachers. my family accepted my identity as normal. and i married a woman whose family accepts and loves us for who we are, not for who we love. 

it is easy for me to stand on a stage surrounded by queers and identify myself as one. it is easy for me to sing songs with queer content. 

the rest of the world ... the rest of the country ... the rest of this city ... the rest of the choir have not been so "lucky" in that they have faced fear, discrimination, and sometimes violence. i shouldn't have to call myself "lucky" ... my story should be the norm. we should all EXPECT that we are accepted, loved, and treated with dignity and respect. 

“I have made so many amazing friends in choir, and I love to see them each week. I know that no matter how I am feeling when I walk through the door of rehearsal, I will always leave feeling uplifted and inspired.”

the choir is an extended family. a chosen family. people that we love. people who support us. who are there for us. including the annoying aunt who won't stop talking, the creepy uncle, the opinionated cousins. being in a choir means having a place to go every week where i am accepted for who i am, and as i am. it means having a place to go every week where our voices meet in harmony. 


i hope that your life is full of harmony, in whatever way that means for you. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

sing like no one is listening ...

a bubble of happiness. i used to know how to create those ...

once i ate an entire box of strawberry shortcake cereal in one sitting and the sugar and red dye entering my bloodstream and creating a hypoglycemic nightmare in which i literally was bouncing off the walls (and the floor, and the bed, and anyone who got in my way). i was sent to my room to let the sugar and dye work it's way through my system while my cousin L begged me to eat the protein i was being bribed with in an attempt to bring me down from my over-the-top-ridiculous sugar high. but i didn't want to come down from the bouncing goodness. 

another time, the bubble was created by lying on the raft in the moonlight, holding hands with O, after a weekend fraught with drama. and we left all the drama causing people alone with their drama and found time to be with each other, in the moonlight, sharing our compassion for each other. 

click here for photo credit

bubbles of happiness don't happen on their own. they aren't random. they need to be sought out, created, and maintained. they might be spontaneous and unplanned ... but they still need crafting and care. 

i wanted to share one of my bubbles of happiness from my childhood ...

when i was 7 years old, my cousin B and i used to have weekly sleep-overs, mostly at my house. we would make up ridiculous games, like building a snow village for little plastic bunnies that our grandmother gave us for Easter. or naming the yellow foam rabbit from my magic kit "honey bunny." those sleep-overs are one of the highlights of my childhood. B was older and wiser and beautiful and smart. and fun. purely joyfully fun. i bet that when she reads this (and i will be sending it to you B, because i WANT you to read this) she will be taken aback by some of the words i used like "beautiful" - our childhoods were not built around people telling us that we were beautiful, or smart ...

as the years went by, the 4 year age difference between us became too much of a gap and we spent a period of time being cousins, but not friends. at 13, i was only 9 and that was too big of a gap. 

when B went to university, and i was in high school, i went to visit her. and it was so kind of her to take me in for a week and show me her life. over the years, we have traveled in and out of each other's circles, losing touch and finding each other again. always connected by our friendship and by our family ties. 

but this post isn't about B or how important she is to me. this post is about being little, loud, obnoxious girls on the danforth. invincible, noisy, and not caring what anyone else thought about us. 

i have no idea where we were going. it could have been ballet class, or the library, or just the store. but for some reason, we were being taken somewhere and we had to walk for awhile along the busy danforth. and B and i decided that it would be a GREAT idea to sing. loudly. a song we made up. at the top of our lungs. 

i remember walking along the street feeling pure and unbridled JOY with B. 

picture this, the busy danforth on a sunny day. people out walking, shopping, running errands, or just enjoying the day. and then 2 little girls skipping, arm in arm, scream-singing at the top of their lungs:

1, you're a nun!
2, a piece of poo!
3, a drop of pee!
4, shut the door!
5, stick your head in a beehive!
6, pick up sticks!
7, go to heaven
8, shut the gate!
9, drink some wine!
10, START AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then we would repeat our made up song. and then after that, we would repeat it again. 

i don't know why that was so much fun. i don't know why scream-singing about pee, and poo, and beehives, was hilarious and joyful and exciting and made us so damn happy. but we were giggling and singing and skipping and yelling. i wish that i could recreate that feeling, bottle it, and give it away. because everyone needs to feel the elation of scream-singing on a busy street in the sunshine while skipping arm-in-arm with a cousin-friend, not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks because the joy of scream-singing a made up song puts you in a bubble of happiness that is even better than a blue duvet cocoon. 

i wonder if B would be willing to skip arm-in-arm scream-singing with me now? i think that perhaps i need to find a new way to create the bubble of happiness. maybe i can teach her children our song and find joy by enabling the joy of watching them scream-sing and embarrass their parents ... 

any other ideas? 


xoxo
...

when singing, there is only music ...

"If i cannot fly, let me sing." 

- Stephen Sondheim

singing. music. guitar. piano. singing solo. singing in a choir. singing in an ensemble. 

music has been part of my life for as long as i can remember. 

sitting at the campfire, singing silly songs. singing in circle time at school. joining the school choir. taking music lessons. learning recorder, violin, flute, drums, piano, and eventually my voice. 

music plays a role in my life in so many situations. 

first, there is the choir that i sing in. 

When you sing with a group of people, you learn how to subsume yourself into a group consciousness because a capella singing is all about the immersion of the self into the community. That's one of the great feelings - to stop being me for a little while and to become us. That way lies empathy, the great social virtue.

- Brian Eno

singing in the choir, whether it is a capella or accompanied, is a means of connection on an inexplicable level. blending your voices in harmony, having one message that touches people emotionally and/or spiritually. singing with a group is like communicating as a group; a mutual understanding of something greater than ourselves. AT said she sings in a choir because "it's a source of feeling connected, of sharing a love and working together for a common purpose. it's a safe place. where i feel secure. both in who i am and my ability to make a meaningful contribution to the group."

singing in a group is also a way to come together and focus on something outside of ourselves and our lives. AG said "i like the sense of teamwork. i like making music with other people. it requires dedication and focus. takes me out of my head, for 2 hours i focus only on the music, not work or life stress."

for me, going to choir every week is my church. we come together as a community. we have routines. we stand up and sit down a bunch of times. we sing together. we listen to a "sermon" by the director. we break bread together. and then we stand together and sing our private song and go our separate ways until the following week. 

Brene Brown wrote: 

"Laughter, song, and dance are so woven into the fabric of our everyday life that we can forget how much we value the people who can make us laugh [...] laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: we are not alone."

singing with other people confirms, affirms, and reaffirms that i am not alone. that i am part of a community. that no matter how alone i feel; no matter how lonely i am: i belong.

then there are the songs that touch me and move me through life. songs that i turn to when i need to be cheered up. songs that remind me of my first love, or the love of my life. songs that i listen to when i am sad. lonely sad songs that i can sing along to. at the moment, i am OBSESSED with karen carpenter. i am listening to her music on repeat. all the time. when i want to be cheered up, i listen to Jambalya on repeat ... for hours ... it is my happy place at the moment. and i sing along at the top of my longs. Click here to listen. Rainy Days and Mondays Get me Down is one of the ones i am listening to through this depression. Click here for a listen. 

For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness.

Reba McEntire

then there are the songs that feel like they were written FOR you. like the artist climbed into your head and wrote the song through you. i have 3 of those. and they are my private songs. for now. 

this post has been the most difficult that i have ever written. music is such an important part of my being. someone asked me once, "why do you sing?" and my response was "because i can't not sing." 

yes, i sing in the shower. but i also sing in the kitchen, and in the car (at the top of my lungs), and in the living room, and sometimes in bed. i sing through the day. i sing with people. i sing alone. i make up songs about what i am doing. i sing songs that are stuck in my head. i sing songs that i have been listening to in the car. i sing and i sing and i sing. 

i really wanted to write about singing and music. and i had no idea that it was going to be such a challenge! i encourage you to find your music. find your song. laugh, dance, sing, play, bang on some drums (or pots and pans), and find people to do it with. 

i think that ella fitzgerald said it best:

"The only thing better than singing is more singing."

xoxo

...

when a song moves you .........

today as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs really touched me ... i was moved to become very introspective.

we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, and practicing it in my car for the last five years, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason today it moved me ... for the first time ... it isn't even a song that i like that much!!!

"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth

i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...

"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth

i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.

"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last few months, or the last year really, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.

"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth

There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or how many drugs i take .... i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.

"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the way"
- Dawn Lanstroth

people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could so so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....

"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can be a baby making machine, or so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. on thursday after work, i plan to go and join the local gym. i felt really good about myself when i worked out at 6am before going to school everyday. i felt good about myself, but i also felt good. i had energy to face the day. i am letting go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way, and i am going to go to the gym and refuse to let them weigh and measure me monthly. i am letting go of my need to indulge in foods because i feel like i need them. i know how i need to eat to feel good. i know how i need to eat to make my body function properly.

"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth

this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2012. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.

and so i am trying to believe.

i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.

i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.

i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.

....

Anne Murray - Let There Be Love [Dawn Langstroth]
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ