fighting your shadow

sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow. (SKEE-ah-mahk-ee)

www.cronicadodia.com.br 

i often find that the demons that i battle are within myself. i am my worst enemy when i should be my greatest ally and my best friend. it's hard to convince myself that i am important enough to defend and protect the way that i would defend and protect a friend. 

sciamachy also means fake fighting, play fighting, as in for practice or for exercise. but i like the idea of fighting your shadow and the imagery that goes along with that. 

panneverland.blogspot.com

peter pan had to fight his shadow, to reattach himself. and he needed help from wendy. i think we all need a wendy; a mother figure or momstitute to reattach our shadows so that we stop thinking of them as a separate entity and we stop fighting ourselves. we need to learn to embrace our shadows. 

Sue Monk Kidd wrote about how symbols find their way into our lives and give deeper meaning to our inner struggle:

"participating with symbols allows their deeper meaning to wrap around us and penetrate us. Through them, what is lost and unutterable inside us becomes real and accessible. 'as the mind explores the symbol it is led to ideas that lie beyond the grasp of reason.' wrote Jung."

ideas beyond the grasp of reason. Jung also wrote: 

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or even a picture that may be familiar in daily life, yet that possesses specific connotations in addition toits conventional and obvious meaning. It implies something vague, unknown, or hidden from us." 

hidden meaning in everyday images. i could ignore the symbols that present themselves repeatedly to me. or i could claim these symbols as my own. for me the repetitive symbols have been foxes, butterflies, and, more recently, the image of a mother hen. 

 

today nosy nora found me a new symbol ... as i was driving to my appointment today, the engine light came on in the car and it started to be jerky and jumpy. when i got to the parking lot, the car wouldn't go in reverse. i worked very hard on not having a meltdown. 

nosy nora said that the car could be a symbol for my life ... "only forward from now on; no going backwards."

jackiejonesfiction.com

in going forward, i am finding friends who are kind and compassionate and who hear my story without trying to change me or fix me. in going forward, i am giving my inner child the time she needs to tell her own story, and to heal. 

going forward means not returning to familiar patterns without noticing the return and questioning the patterns. my shadows that i battle use food in place of feeling my emotions. 

for example, last night i turned to chocolate mini eggs as i panicked over what i determined was a crisis. once i identified the crisis with the help of AG, i was able to stop eating the chocolate. it didn't even taste good. and i didn't want it anymore. thank you AG for giving me the questions to ask myself. 

AG said to me: "just remind yourself: 'i'm feeling some emotions. i'm not sure what they are but i feel overwhelmed so i'm eating to cope. and that's ok.' eventually you will stop eating."

shortly after my mini-binge, i received an email newsletter from geneen roth about binge eating. coincidence or the universe sending me a message? in the newsletter she wrote: 

"since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. the positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it is harder to continue with the same momentum."

instead of fighting my shadow, i need to embrace it. taste the food that i am eating. ask myself why i need that comfort. slow down and give myself the comfort through tasting and enjoying the taste of the food. 

going forward doesn't mean you don't encounter familiar scenery and familiar landmarks. it means you know how to get through the storms of life while traveling your path, because the familiarity of the past gives you knowledge instead of fear. identifying WHAT you are doing and paying attention to WHAT you are doing stops the trance of it. being mindful of eating the chocolate mini-eggs, tasting their overly-sweet flavour, slowed down the munching until i no longer wanted to eat them. 

going forward doesn't mean never diverging from your path. it means knowing which way you are headed and not turning around to go back from whence you came. 

may you go forward in your life and, as always, remember: 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

meraki and self-hate

why does shame and self-loathing become cruelty to the innocent? - anne rice

meraki: the soul, creativity, or love put into something; the essence of yourself that is put into your work. 

this blog is my meraki. this blog is where i put my emotional energy. it is a way to feel connected to other people. the emails that i get from readers who say that they relate to my stories make this blog worthwhile. 

AT said to me that this blog is like my personal journal that i make public. she's right. and it's also a way for me to find connection in a safe way. because the people who don't want to read it, wont read it. the people who i don't want to know my story don't know who i am anyway. 

writing this blog gives me strength. 

i have discovered recently that there are many people who have stories similar to mine. many people who find themselves in a spiral of self-hatred. chuck palahniuk wrote: "when we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves." i agree to an extent. and yet i think that we know exactly who to hate, but we think that we are not deserving of having these feelings, and so we blame ourselves for the hurt inflicted upon us and we hate ourselves instead. 

self-hatred is a coping mechanism that allows us to focus the anger that we don't think other people deserve. LES takes her anger and rage and frustration and history of abuse and turns it inward. hating herself and allowing people to continue to treat her like shit. and then treats herself the way she has learned to be treated ... sound familiar? 

it is easier to think that we deserve mistreatment than it is to stand up for ourselves. it is easier to believe that we are unworthy than it is to give ourselves what we need. 

i am dealing with my self-hatred by blogging. i am dealing with my feelings of inadequacy by making myself believe that i have something to say that is worth sharing; by making myself believe that people actually are interested in what i have to say. 

blogging is my meraki. i want to encourage you, my faithful readers, to find your meraki. find something that you put your soul, your love, and your essence into. 


and as always ... be kind to yourself

xoxo

...

gathering my chicks revisited

in january, i wrote about how radical t called me a mother hen gathering her chicks and i said that i would write about it again when i had more time to digest the analogy. 

to read the original, click here.

i am gathering to me now, people who are understanding and compassionate. i am gathering people who believe me, and who believe in me. 

theheritagefarm.me

what surprises me most is how many chicks there really are in my world. the more people i speak my truth to, the more people i find who are supportive, and compassionate, and kind. the kindness scares me sometimes, because i am not used to it. 

we use chickens in our communication:

“Now, brooder is an interesting word. People who worry a lot in silence are known as brooders. But then again so is a hen sitting on her eggs. The more I get to know chickens, the more I realize half our language comes from chickens. Well, not half. But an awful lot considering this isn't Latin or anything. Cooped up. Egghead. Hatch a plan. Henpecked. Pecker. Cock. Chickenshit. Chicken-scratch. A lot of chicken words are meant to deliver attitude, which isn't surprising to me now that I have chickens. Chickens aren't background animals like fish or sheep or horses. Chickens are in-your-face animals. Chickens if you have them, come to bracket your days. The rooster hollers all morning, and then in the evening the hens have left you their mysterious gift of eggs. 
Silkies are said to be excellent brooders, to have a tendency toward "broodiness." This, too, is usually meant as a compliment.” ― Jeanne Marie Laskas, Growing Girls: The Mother of All Adventures

i am a brooder. i have sat and worried in silence for years. but now i think that i am a hen on her eggs, brooding to create something new. no longer cooped up, i am telling my story to more and more people. trusting. gathering my chicks and creating my own brood of supportive people.

my little chickens, i gather you close and you do more for me than you know. 


be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

a weighty topic

i want to write about being fat. 

i want to write about how my weight has always been the business of my family, my doctors, and strangers. 

this is a photo of me at age 7. i thought that i was enormously and hideously fat. my food intake was commented on; monitored .... i believed that my stomach was huge. that my thighs were huge.

i was embarrassed about how fat i was ....

... look again at that photo. look how thin i was! and i was convinced, by the people around me, that i was fat and ugly and worthless and undeserving.

and these feelings became a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

and now, 30 years later, my body continues to be everyone else's business. 

no matter what doctor i go to see. no matter what medical concern i have. the answer i am given is always to "lose weight" as if i haven't tried. 

i have been offered bribes by people who claim to love me, or who are supposed to love me, that if i lose weight they will buy me things. 

radical t said: " I don't think people get that no matter what we [women with PCOS] go to the doctor for, certain doctors will always bring up the weight. it is the last taboo..."

doctors believe the myths about fat people too. 

i want to write about the comments that strangers make. about men bumping into me and telling me "move it fat bitch" or just randomly making comments. yelling "fat ass" at me. i want to write about the time i went into a restaurant and heard some teenagers say "she better only order salad."

i want to write about how i can't eat junk food in front of other people. 

i want to write about the shame i feel when i shop with someone who can go into any store and try on clothes and i can't. i want to write about how embarrassing it is when someone says, "that would look good on you, go try it on!" and i know that it is 4 sizes too small and that it's the biggest size in the store. 

i want to write about trying to squeeze into booths in restaurants. i want to write about the discomfort on an airplane. 

but there are no words for these thoughts and feelings. and i can't write about them. they are self-loathing feelings. they are self-hating thoughts. they are words thrown at myself from all sides. thoughts: fat. ugly. lazy. stupid. being fat means you suck. being fat means you have no willpower. being fat means you sit and eat junk food all day. being fat means that you eat macdonalds every day. being fat means you are lazy. 

WIDELY HELD AND ACCEPTED BELIEFS ABOUT FAT PEOPLE:

• fat people have no willpower
• fat people are sad
• fat people have low self-esteem
• fat people are unhealthy and are going to die young
• fat people eat uncontrollably
• fat people don't know why they are fat
• if fat people really wanted to lose weight they could
• fat people are lonely
• fat people are ugly
• fat people can't find love

the truth is that being fat is an outward expression of my inside wounds. each pound, a story of pain. if i were to keep a food journal and publish it, thin readers would be shocked at what i eat. i LOOK like i eat fried food all day long followed by chips, chocolate, and doughnuts. 

but that isn't what a typical day of food looks like for me. 

i start with a cup of tea. my stomach gurgles and rumbles and wants food. but i punish myself for being fat and i refuse to eat. i like the feeling of control that i have by deciding what goes into me. eventually i give in and i will eat either yogurt and fruit, or toast with peanut butter. then the morning turns to noon and i start to think about the fact that i have to eat some sort of food for lunch. and i practice that messed up control of not eating as my stomach calls out for food. noon becomes 2pm and i start to feel a bit weak and dizzy so i give in and eat something. maybe soup, or salad, or more toast. sometimes i don't give in and i make more tea instead. dinner time comes along and i don't really feel hungry, but SC is hungry so i cook something. maybe chicken and vegetables. maybe some rice. (brown rice for me). at some point in the evening, my stomach begins to yell at me for not feeding it throughout the day. so i have a banana or i cut up and apple. 

once in awhile i will allow myself to have a couple of chocolate mini-eggs. i used to eat the entire bag at once. but since i have given myself permission to eat them, i only need to have 2 or 3 of them because i know i can go back for more another day if i want to. 


Zed read this post for me. i was curious about her thoughts. she said: 

you've hit the nail on the head with how you feel about food and fat. so many people feel the way you do, believe me - WE ALL DO! the self loathing and hatred is a very difficult thing to get over. when I'm out and about, doing errands, shopping whatever - i feel invisible. people can't see me. or they choose not too. most of the times i don't mind, as i have a hard time dealing with strangers as it is. but then i wonder - am i invisible? can people see right thru me? or do they choose not to look at me because looking at me makes them feel disgusted and they feel more worthy than me. am i really less of a person because i am MORE of a person? hard things to deal with. but i try. i make myself go out and be in the world because i matter, no matter what my size is. i dress a certain way because it makes me feel good and attractive and better about myself. and FUCK what everyone else thinks!! i refuse to hide from the world because i don't look like what 'they' or 'society' says i should look like! that's my thoughts on this very contentious issue!

being fat isn't a choice. and i have tried many times to not be fat. but i shouldn't have to. and i face enough hatred and judgment from myself. i don't need to experience it from strangers on the street. 

I leave you with this thought:

be kind to yourself, regardless of your size, regardless of how you see your size ...

xoxo

...

Truth grows wings

last night, my wings grew a little bit because i spoke my truth. 

recently i have been dealing with what radical t calls "the childhood event." and as i work my way through this event, and my shame around it, i often wonder if i am just crazy, or if it was really my fault, or if i made the whole thing up in the first place. 

so i decided to take a leap of faith, an impulsive one actually, and i emailed one of the people who was around during "the childhood event" and i asked some questions that i needed answers to. 

i wasn't expecting a response. but i got one. 

i spoke my truth. and i was validated. and heard. and the validation made my wings grow a little bit. 

i feel lighter this morning. i feel unburdened. 

when i first met nosy nora, she used to say that it was like someone else was living my life; like i wasn't participating in my own life. i feel like it is MY life now. 

sharing my story, speaking my truth, is freeing me from the heaviness that i carry around. 

so i decided that i wanted to share another story with you. another truth. because speaking my story makes me strong each day. 

this time it is about foxes. 

The summer I was 17, I was dating a woman who was 21. It was new and exciting and confusing. I was in the woods writing in my journal and thinking about my life and feeling confused. And I looked up and there was a fox staring at me. And I just knew that it was going to be ok.

Then in grade 12, I was on the bus going to school and I was thinking about school and feeling confused and unsure about my education choices and if I should think about changing high schools ... and a fox trotted down Bloor street! And again, I just knew.

There were a few other significant sightings over those few years. But the most significant was in relation to my best friend Gigi (who this blog is named after).

I was at her house and I told Gigi about the importance of foxes in my life. She teased me and said that squirrels were her special animal because she sees them all the time. I went home and as I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Gigi. She said there was a fox in her backyard with a squirrel in its mouth.

We laughed and laughed.

And 2 days later, Gigi died.

A week after her death, I was at her house in her sister's room. Her Dad was in Gigi's room and he suddenly called out "hey, have you ever seen a fox?" Her sister knew the fox story so we looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We ran to the bedroom and her mom joined us there.

The 4 of us stood at the window, crying, holding each other and watching this fox who just sat in the yard staring back at us.

It was moving and healing and there are no words to describe it.

i continue to see foxes at significant moments in my life. most recently i saw a fully intact dead fox on the side of the road. i cried and cried and CRIED. and i emailed Gigi's sister and told her about it. her response was touching:

Maybe the penetrating gaze of that intact dead fox on the driver's side on the highway yesterday, was a mirror to you: not a message that doom and gloom awaits you, but that it's time for your soul to finally rise up from the damaged (metaphorical) carcass that houses it and become the most fully alive, most vibrant and whole vibrational entity that it can be. It's your time to become whole, Kira, that's what the dead fox symbolizes for me.

i like to think that she is right. that in order for me to morph into a butterfly from this diapause state that i am in, to become the most vibrant and whole entity that i can be, i need to continue to tell my story, to speak my truth, and to heal. 

NOTE: please keep in mind that i am NOT endorsing the speaking of your own truth. i think that it's important to do it, but if you don't have a strong support system, then hold off. i only had the courage to do it, because i have a therapist, nosy nora, and because i know that i will have her support as i work through the aftermath of having my say - the aftermath of addressing "the childhood event" with a person who was there and who was able to validate me. if you have your own "childhood event" i strongly recommend you find yourself a therapist. if money is an issue, there are many affordable ways to access therapy in your city. toronto has several walk-in therapy clinics, as well as social workers and community agencies that offer free counseling. and i am sure there are some places in your own cities. 

and if you are thinking about your "childhood event" and you need a distraction, DS suggests this sarcastic video called "Everything is Awesome" click here to watch. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

how to sleep better ... tips from an insomniac

sleep. 

we all need it. 

we all want more of it. 

i worked as a nanny for many years. and in that time, the bedtime routine was very important. if the children had a good sleep at night, we would have a good day. 

think about how children are put to bed, read a story, and tucked in ... that's how we need to treat ourselves. 

i can fall asleep, but i wake up. then lay in bed worrying about things until i fall back to sleep and then wake up and worry some more, then fall back to sleep, then wake up AGAIN. this happens between 3-6 times a night, every night. 

because i have been an insomniac all my life, i have done a great deal of research on good sleep habits. i am an expert on HOW to have a good night's sleep. i'm just not an expert on sleeping. 

here are my 10 sleep tips:

1. stick to a regular sleeping schedule. that means no long sleep-ins on sunday mornings. yuck, i know. but getting up at the same time every day helps train your body to know when to wake up. that helps you sleep at night. it's better to have a nap later in the day than it is to sleep in. however, try to limit your naps as they make night sleep more challenging. try for an early afternoon nap of 30 minutes. 

2. light plays an important role in how you sleep because it affects your melatonin. in the daytime, it is important to get sunlight, even if you are inside. and at night, you need to reduce artificial light. crazy, i know! this means not spending long periods of time on your laptop, tablet, or phone. this means when you read in bed, it's better to read an actual book ... with paper pages ... i know, crazy, right?

3. routine, routine, routine. having a bedtime routine is essential for people who have trouble sleeping. a bath, reading a book, doing some stretches, listening to music ... things that are familiar and routine help you to unwind. think about children again ... you give them a bath, give them warm milk, read them a story, give them a kiss, and tuck them in, and wish them a good night sleep with dreams that are sweet ... then we grow up and we are expected to just get into bed and go to sleep. you need to treat yourself the way you would treat a child. have a routine that involves you being kind and gentle to yourself, the way you would want a child to go to sleep and have sweet dreams. 

4. caffeine and other stimulants. i don't need to tell you. they won't help you sleep. 'nuff said. 

5. still your mind. i know what you're thinking ... us anxious people having a quiet mind?!?!? but it's possible. deep breathing helps, thinking about FACTS (click here for previous post on FACTS) , progressive muscle relaxation (tense your body and relax each muscle one at a time), or visualization ... 

i like to visualize a favourite place from my childhood. in my mind, i walk myself through each room noting details like the posters on the walls, the colours of the bedspreads.

another trick i use is counting backwards from 500, by 3s, 4s, 6s, or 7s. 

and my personal favourite trick is listing green things. i close my eyes and picture the grocery aisle. i start to list everything green in the produce section. then i list the rest of the green things in the store. then green things in the world. then green things that i have owned. IF i run out of green things, i start back at the produce section and choose a different colour. i don't usually make it out of the grocery store though. 

6.  your sleep space needs to be comfortable. a colder sleeping space is better because your body temperature needs to lower for you to be able to fall asleep. i asked  Zed  about sleeping and she said, "i like my bedroom really cool, almost cold. i don't like a lot of blankets or covers; i feel smothered."   i am the opposite about the blankets. i need to feel the weight of a big thick blanket on top of me, but i might have a foot sticking out to keep me cool. 

7. physical activity. blah blah blah. but its true. getting enough exercise in the daytime helps you sleep better at night. 

8. the mayo clinic suggests managing stress. well duh, if we could manage our stress we wouldn't be reading a blog about better sleeping habits! however, here is what they had to say about how to manage stress to promote better sleep. 

When you have too much to do — and too much to think about — your sleep is likely to suffer. To help restore peace to your life, consider healthy ways to manage stress. Start with the basics, such as getting organized, setting priorities and delegating tasks. Give yourself permission to take a break when you need one. Share a good laugh with an old friend. Before bed, jot down what's on your mind and then set it aside for tomorrow.  citation

9. food and drink to promote sleep:

during the day:

• walnuts
• cheese and crackers
• kale
• chickpeas
• foods that contain magnesium (seeds, almonds, cashews, legumes, and dark leafy green vegetables)

before bed:

• valerian root
• melatonin tablets
• whole grains as a bedtime snack (cereal, toast, crackers) 
• chamomile 
• hops
• passionflower 
• warm milk

10. aromatherapy - lavender is the scent that many people to promote sleep. you could use essential oil, or a candle, or spray, or an aromatic pillow. whatever works for you. 

so there are ten tips from an insomniac on how to have a better sleep. 

what are YOUR tips for a good night's sleep? please leave your comments below. 

xoxo

...

Tacenda

I was a brownie. And it was thrilling. The ugly brown dress with the sash full of badges that showed off my accomplishments. 

When it was time to graduate to girl guides, there were 2 ways to get there: flying or walking. 

If you flew, it meant that you had earned the right number of badges. We got to make wings out of wire coat hangers and nylons. And then decorated them with sparkles. At a special ceremony we wore our wings and graduated from brownies to guides. 

But there was one girl who hadn't earned enough badges. She didn't have her golden bars. So she had to make shoe boxes with wings on them and wear them on her feet during the ceremony. 

I remember feeling pride and disgust. Pride that I had managed to catch up to the other girls who started brownies 2 years before me, and disgust that this poor 9 year old had to walk with shoe boxes on her feet - a public shaming. 

But I said nothing. Because I lived my life under the premise of tacenda. 

I wonder if there really are things better left unsaid ... I do like to say tah-chen-dah. I like the way the syllables fit together; like music. 

One could argue that if a child is driving you bonkers and won't stop screeching and climbing on things and throwing her toys, it would be better not to say "shut up you're making me crazy!" 

I am not suggesting that you go around saying whatever pops into your head ... however, you need to say something - redirect the child's energy. So it IS better to say something. 

If you're angry at your partner and you are at your wits end, it's better to leave unsaid the words "you're so stupid and I hate the way you fold your socks and chew your toast!" But is it really better to leave things unsaid? Or do you need to say to your partner, "I'm angry and frustrated and I feel unheard." ? 

Things unsaid are festering wounds on your insides. 

If you said every thought that crosses your mind, you probably wouldn't have any friends. But I think never saying anything is equally harmful - to you and the people you interact with. 

I have spent my life in tacenda. 

Until now. 

I have let things go unspoken. I took away my voice. I was "always already" silent. Everything was better left unsaid. 

The concept of "always already" was not coined, but developed by Jacque Derrida. The term suggests a process in motion, waiting to be revealed or noticed. For example, humans will learn a language of communication, so they are always already linguistic communicators.  

Derrida's use of always already was specifically in relation to deconstructionism as it relates to writings. However, I think that one can deconstruct anything; including but not limited to, institutions, interactions, concepts, and the Self. 

As I wait in my chrysalis to become a butterfly, and go through the process of therapy, I am deconstructing my Self. I was always already silent. I was always already passive. 

I often hear it said that "people don't really change" .... however, I am changing, growing, and going through my own metamorphosis. And through this process I am finding my voice. 

I think there is nothing better left unsaid. I think I have always already been brave, strong, resilient, open, and a speaker of my mind ... it just hasn't happened yet. But the process is in motion and it will come with my wings when I become a butterfly. And my wings won't be wings of shame on shoe boxes I wear on my feet. My wings will be beautiful and joyful and live-filled. 

Say something today. Say something you would normally keep to yourself. Say it with kindness. And see what happens. 

xoxo

...

dreams and shame

www.businessinsider.com

i have done quite a bit of research on dream interpretation over the years, and i have my own spin on the meaning of different images in dreams. but i have always been stuck on the meaning of the following recurring images: elevators, basements, closets, secret passageways, and bathrooms/toilets.

i often dream about elevators. and most of my dreams are about confusing elevators that take me to the wrong place. and i get lost. sometimes getting lost is okay, in my dreams, but sometimes it means i have gone somewhere terrifying. 

In general, the up and down action of the elevator represents the ups and downs of your life. It also symbolizes emotions and thoughts that are emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious. To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control. It may be a reflection of your life or your career. You are feeling stuck in some aspect of your life etc.  Citation 

i suppose that the emotions i have have been experiencing lately are certainly up and down. but i feel like the elevators i dream about are confusing and they take me to places that i don't want to go. like if i am trying to get to my hotel room on the 3rd floor, the elevator won't have a "3" button.  

these dreams connect to the secret passageway dreams. because often i have to go through tunnels or passage ways to try to find my way from where the elevator has taken me. the passageways and the elevators have an ominous feeling attached to them. they aren't pleasant dreams. 

the secret passageways in my dreams usually end up in the basement or i have to go through a tunnel in a closet.

To dream that you are in a cellar, represents a part of your subconscious mind where you have kept your fears and problems hidden. To dream that you are going down the cellar, signifies that you are digging deep into your own past and facing your fears. To see a closet in your dream symbolizes something in your life that you have kept hidden. citation

http://bestdoordesignideas.com/closet-doors/

there is a lot of negative emotion - fear, shame, sadness - attached to my struggle to get through the passageways, the elevators, the closet. 

so what do these dreams mean? why do i constantly dream about being lost, about riding in elevators, about climbing into closets and through secret passageways that lead to the basement? 

http://sambot.com/2005/03/breaking-and-entering.html

last night i had my elevator dream. only this time, the elevator had 3 toilets in it. no stalls, just toilets. and i remember thinking to myself, who would use a toilet in an elevator? 

i dream about toilets a lot too. i can't lie. usually it is a dream where i need to pee but i can't because the toilets are dirty, or clogged, or the door won't close, or i can't find the toilet because i have to go through a labyrinth of secret passageways to try to find the toilet. 

i used to think that these dreams were about needing to get something out of me that i was keeping inside: an emotion, a thought, something that i needed to tell someone. but nosy nora suggested that toilet dreams are about shame. and that is starting to make sense to me. i carry a lot of shame about a lot of things. i carry it as extra weight on my body. each extra pound is the external representation of my internalized shame. 

and as i reveal my shames, the dreams are shifting and changing. the toilets in my dreams are clean and available. and out in the open for use. 

my hope and goal is that as my shames are spoken out loud, i will start to feel lighter inside, and as a result, perhaps i will start to be lighter on the outside.

AG read this post for me because i was trying to decide whether or not to publish it. regarding shame she said, "you're bringing it to the surface. shame can't survive in the light. it thrives in darkness and hiding." i would like to know what i did to deserve such kind, thoughtful, wise, and caring friends???

i want to talk a bit about Brené Brown and shame resilience. if you haven't watched her TED talk on vulnerability, i highly recommend it. and i thank KM for sending it my way originally and introducing me to Brown's ideas. Here is a link to the video: 

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Brené Brown suggests 4 aspects of shame resilience: 

Recognizing and accepting personal vulnerability: All of us are vulnerable to experiences of shame, our shame triggers. When we recognize the emotional and physical signs of shame, we have the chance to understand what’s happening and why, and to seek help. Conversely, when we fail to acknowledge shame, we are taken off-guard, we are flooded with overwhelming emotions, and we fail to recognize what we are feeling. 

Raising critical awareness regarding social/cultural expectations: Critical awareness surrounding shame is the ability to link how we are personally feeling with society’s sometimes conflicting and shaming expectations of us as individuals. We see the big picture (we contextualize). 

Forming mutually empathetic relationships that facilitate reaching out to others: When we reach out for support, we may receive empathy, which is incompatible with shame and judgment. We recognize that our most isolating experiences are also the most universal. We recognize that we are not defective or alone in our experiences (we normalize). 

“Speaking shame,” possessing the language and emotional competence to discuss and deconstruct shame: By learning the language of shame, we learn to draw distinctions between shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation. We can “name shame” by separating it from secondary emotions such as anger, fear, and isolation. We learn to ask for what we need. We learn and share what we know with others (we demystify).

Citation 

shame resilience involves; accepting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, contextualizing our shame within our cultural/societal expectations, finding people who show you empathy which cancels out shame, and recognizing when we are experiencing shame. 

AG said that my shame is a gremlin who lives in the dark, thriving and growing. through being vulnerable by speaking my shame and understanding where it fits in my family culture and societal expectations; by speaking my shame to people who show me empathy; by speaking my shame and discovering that others experience the same vulnerability; i can recognize when i am experiencing shame and i can bring those gremlins out into the light to shrink them in the sun.

so my dreams ... are they about my shame? are my dreams of being lost in a labyrinth, of trying to find a bathroom but it being so dirty and unusable, of climbing into closets, through secret passageways and ending up in basements ... are these dreams of shame? shame that i need to bring to the surface?

last night i told KM that i feel lately, as i uncover my shame, that i have opened pandora's box. and i think i have only begun to unpack the box. i think i have only let loose the top layer. i don't even know what is at the bottom of the box. 

but as i sift through this box (of memories, of shame, of past experiences) i am ever grateful for the empathy and compassion that i am seeing reflected in the eyes of SC, of my friends, of nosy nora, of pokey sue ... (this week i told pokey sue that i come to her clinic for love and compassion and then i end up getting stabbed ... to which she replied, "it's not stabbing, it's poking.")

for more reading about shame and shame resilience, see  Brené Brown  


xoxo
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crying gets the sad out of you ...

crying. 

i feel like that's all i do lately. 

i cry. 

a lot. 

and i often have a song stuck in my head while i cry. it's a song from my childhood from the movie Free to Be You and Me written by Carol Hall. it's called "It's alright to cry." 

It's all right to cry

Crying gets the sad out of you

It's all right to cry

It might make you feel better - Carol Hall

crying empties me of my sad and of my happy and of my everything. because i don't just cry, i weep. and weeping is different. weeping is loud and your body shakes. i don't just weep, i sob. sobbing is when you are inconsolable. 

Raindrops from your eyesWashing all the mad out of you - Carol Hall

sometimes i cry because i am mad. i am not much of a yeller, as SC can attest. and nosy nora says i "give up the mad" too fast. but i find it easier to cry when i am mad than to face the anger. 

Raindrops from your eyesIt's gonna make you feel better - Carol Hall

i think that the sky and the earth need cleansing, and that rain is part of the water cycle. rain is essential to our survival, even if we don't like it. i think that crying is the same thing. crying is essential to our survival - it is a release of emotions that would otherwise eat away at your insides. 

It's all right to feel thingsThough the feelings may be strangeFeelings are such real thingsAnd they change and change and change - Carol Hall

nosy nora was the first person to give me permission to have feelings. i can't tell you how many conversations we have had about feelings, and about how much i hate them. i numbed myself from feelings most of my life. and having them all now is challenging. my biggest problem is identifying feelings as well as naming them. nosy nora asks me how i feel and i stare at her like i was asked if i want a chocolate-dipped pickled anchovy ... how do i FEEL? ummmm ... i don't know. "good" "bad" ... my solution was to look up feeling words and write them in my journal so that i can refer to them. 

Sad 'n' grumpy, down in the dumpySnuggly, hugly, mean 'n' uglySloppy, slappy, hoppy, happyChange and change and change - Carol Hall

now i can name some feelings when i have them. it is getting easier. 

nosy nora also tells me that feelings change. that the feelings ... the intensity of the feelings that i have now will not always be the same. 

It's all right to knowFeelings come and feelings goIt's all right to cryIt might make you feel better - Carol Hall

the intensity of the feelings that i have now is overwhelming, so i am really hoping that nosy nora and Carol Hall are right! 

because i am doing so much crying lately, i have been thinking a lot about crying and asking other people about their experiences of crying. i asked Zed about her experience of crying. 

Zed said: "sometimes i feel silly crying. like it's wasted emotion. but most times i feel so much better. like it's a mental hiccup and the crying gets rid of it. like it washes away those feelings of frustration and madness and guilt. i'm rarely ever sad when i cry, plus it's hell on your makeup. but makeup is easily fixed, and sometimes the feelings - not so much." 

feelings not so much. it's not easy to "fix" feelings because they aren't meant to be fixed. they are meant to be felt. and i learned this the hard way. i am still learning. 

It's all right to cryCrying gets the sad out of youIt's all right to cryIt might make you feel better - Carol Hall

xoxo

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