compassion

emily dickinson wrote: "this is my letter to the world, that never wrote to me." 

i think that she was talking about compassion - or a lack of compassion.

what is compassion? and why do i talk about it so much? 

merrium webster defines compassion as the "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it." it comes from the latin word, compati, which means to sympathize or to bear.

i don't think that you can have compassion without empathy. empathy is derived from the greek word pathos which means to suffer.

so how do we find compassion and empathy in others and what does it mean to us when we find it?

the dalai lama said that "love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. without them, humanity cannot survive." and yet, i have found many people lacking in compassion and empathy - those who have closed off their hearts to the pain of others in order to focus on their own wounds. i feel great compassion for those who have shut their hearts to others, for it is in connecting with someone whose wounds are similar to yours that true understanding and healing takes place. 

to me, compassion means listening without judgement; showing empathy for people who are not our friends; hearing the stories of others and not trying to fix what is broken, but instead offering a smile.  

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ― Leo Buscaglia

the definition of compassion includes the "desire" to alleviate suffering. desire and action are not the same thing. alleviating suffering does not mean you have to fix the problem. sometimes alleviating the suffering means simply being there for someone in a time of need. 

over the last few months, i have been a hen, gathering my compassionate chicks under my wings. i have been finding people who will listen without trying to fix, who will understand without judgement, and who have a vast capacity for empathy. 

compassion comes not from fixing, but from being there for someone when they need a smile, or a hand, or an ear, or a friend. 

i leave you with this thought:

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” 

― Albert Einstein

be kind to yourself  (and to the world around you)

(ps, as i was searching for quotes about compassion, this quote made me think of nosy nora ... 

“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.” 
― Sam Levenson) 

xoxo
...

dreams and shame

www.businessinsider.com

i have done quite a bit of research on dream interpretation over the years, and i have my own spin on the meaning of different images in dreams. but i have always been stuck on the meaning of the following recurring images: elevators, basements, closets, secret passageways, and bathrooms/toilets.

i often dream about elevators. and most of my dreams are about confusing elevators that take me to the wrong place. and i get lost. sometimes getting lost is okay, in my dreams, but sometimes it means i have gone somewhere terrifying. 

In general, the up and down action of the elevator represents the ups and downs of your life. It also symbolizes emotions and thoughts that are emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious. To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control. It may be a reflection of your life or your career. You are feeling stuck in some aspect of your life etc.  Citation 

i suppose that the emotions i have have been experiencing lately are certainly up and down. but i feel like the elevators i dream about are confusing and they take me to places that i don't want to go. like if i am trying to get to my hotel room on the 3rd floor, the elevator won't have a "3" button.  

these dreams connect to the secret passageway dreams. because often i have to go through tunnels or passage ways to try to find my way from where the elevator has taken me. the passageways and the elevators have an ominous feeling attached to them. they aren't pleasant dreams. 

the secret passageways in my dreams usually end up in the basement or i have to go through a tunnel in a closet.

To dream that you are in a cellar, represents a part of your subconscious mind where you have kept your fears and problems hidden. To dream that you are going down the cellar, signifies that you are digging deep into your own past and facing your fears. To see a closet in your dream symbolizes something in your life that you have kept hidden. citation

http://bestdoordesignideas.com/closet-doors/

there is a lot of negative emotion - fear, shame, sadness - attached to my struggle to get through the passageways, the elevators, the closet. 

so what do these dreams mean? why do i constantly dream about being lost, about riding in elevators, about climbing into closets and through secret passageways that lead to the basement? 

http://sambot.com/2005/03/breaking-and-entering.html

last night i had my elevator dream. only this time, the elevator had 3 toilets in it. no stalls, just toilets. and i remember thinking to myself, who would use a toilet in an elevator? 

i dream about toilets a lot too. i can't lie. usually it is a dream where i need to pee but i can't because the toilets are dirty, or clogged, or the door won't close, or i can't find the toilet because i have to go through a labyrinth of secret passageways to try to find the toilet. 

i used to think that these dreams were about needing to get something out of me that i was keeping inside: an emotion, a thought, something that i needed to tell someone. but nosy nora suggested that toilet dreams are about shame. and that is starting to make sense to me. i carry a lot of shame about a lot of things. i carry it as extra weight on my body. each extra pound is the external representation of my internalized shame. 

and as i reveal my shames, the dreams are shifting and changing. the toilets in my dreams are clean and available. and out in the open for use. 

my hope and goal is that as my shames are spoken out loud, i will start to feel lighter inside, and as a result, perhaps i will start to be lighter on the outside.

AG read this post for me because i was trying to decide whether or not to publish it. regarding shame she said, "you're bringing it to the surface. shame can't survive in the light. it thrives in darkness and hiding." i would like to know what i did to deserve such kind, thoughtful, wise, and caring friends???

i want to talk a bit about Brené Brown and shame resilience. if you haven't watched her TED talk on vulnerability, i highly recommend it. and i thank KM for sending it my way originally and introducing me to Brown's ideas. Here is a link to the video: 

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Brené Brown suggests 4 aspects of shame resilience: 

Recognizing and accepting personal vulnerability: All of us are vulnerable to experiences of shame, our shame triggers. When we recognize the emotional and physical signs of shame, we have the chance to understand what’s happening and why, and to seek help. Conversely, when we fail to acknowledge shame, we are taken off-guard, we are flooded with overwhelming emotions, and we fail to recognize what we are feeling. 

Raising critical awareness regarding social/cultural expectations: Critical awareness surrounding shame is the ability to link how we are personally feeling with society’s sometimes conflicting and shaming expectations of us as individuals. We see the big picture (we contextualize). 

Forming mutually empathetic relationships that facilitate reaching out to others: When we reach out for support, we may receive empathy, which is incompatible with shame and judgment. We recognize that our most isolating experiences are also the most universal. We recognize that we are not defective or alone in our experiences (we normalize). 

“Speaking shame,” possessing the language and emotional competence to discuss and deconstruct shame: By learning the language of shame, we learn to draw distinctions between shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation. We can “name shame” by separating it from secondary emotions such as anger, fear, and isolation. We learn to ask for what we need. We learn and share what we know with others (we demystify).

Citation 

shame resilience involves; accepting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, contextualizing our shame within our cultural/societal expectations, finding people who show you empathy which cancels out shame, and recognizing when we are experiencing shame. 

AG said that my shame is a gremlin who lives in the dark, thriving and growing. through being vulnerable by speaking my shame and understanding where it fits in my family culture and societal expectations; by speaking my shame to people who show me empathy; by speaking my shame and discovering that others experience the same vulnerability; i can recognize when i am experiencing shame and i can bring those gremlins out into the light to shrink them in the sun.

so my dreams ... are they about my shame? are my dreams of being lost in a labyrinth, of trying to find a bathroom but it being so dirty and unusable, of climbing into closets, through secret passageways and ending up in basements ... are these dreams of shame? shame that i need to bring to the surface?

last night i told KM that i feel lately, as i uncover my shame, that i have opened pandora's box. and i think i have only begun to unpack the box. i think i have only let loose the top layer. i don't even know what is at the bottom of the box. 

but as i sift through this box (of memories, of shame, of past experiences) i am ever grateful for the empathy and compassion that i am seeing reflected in the eyes of SC, of my friends, of nosy nora, of pokey sue ... (this week i told pokey sue that i come to her clinic for love and compassion and then i end up getting stabbed ... to which she replied, "it's not stabbing, it's poking.")

for more reading about shame and shame resilience, see  Brené Brown  


xoxo
...

gathering my chicks ...

upon hearing my explanation of how i became friends with a couple people, KM commented that i am a "momstitute" ... since i spend much of my life looking for my own momstitute, i didn't connect to the term. so she amended it to say that i am a "mother hen" ... i asked her to explain and she said that i "gather my chicks" ...

google images

i have been thinking about that for a few days. what does it mean to gather my chicks? in how many different ways do i do that? and where does the instinct come from? 

so i googled it ... there are many religious references to a mother hen gathering her chicks, and not many references to actual chickens. 

Jesus Laments over Jerusalem37 “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!

When I approach a sitting hen and her chicks, she often gathers them under her wings. If I get too close she can become quite vocal. I don’t speak “chicken,” but no one will convince me that the mother hen isn’t saying, “Stay back, buddy. You can’t have MY babies!” A mother hen will do everything in her power to protect her biddies. It’s her instinct. Call it chicken love if you will, but the hen is hardwired to protect them. http://www.daveblackonline.com/chicken_love.htm

can i argue that i am hardwired to protect my friends and my family? that my depth of empathy enables (compels) me to gather my chicks under my wings and try my best to prevent pain and suffering?

The Free Dictionary defines a mother hen as:

- a person who fusses over others in an overprotective manner.
- a person who attends to the welfare of others, esp. one who is fussily protective.
- a person who cares for the needs of others (especially in an overprotective or interfering way)

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mother+hen

now those are things that i can relate to. i don't like to see people left out. i like to gather them into my community. i don't like to see children being hurt, i collect them and bring them into my heart. i become invested in the emotional lives of the people that i care about, and i am "fussily protective" of their feelings and their affairs. and as much as it is empathetic of me to "care for the needs of others" it most certainly plays out in an overprotective and sometimes interfering way. 

i don't think that my mother hen behaviour is all bad. i gather my people to me. i care about my people. i care about their well-being and i don't want to see them hurt. and i get protective when i feel they are being mistreated or misunderstood. 

i also gather the emotions of my people. and at times, i try to interfere and mediate their emotions. and this isn't good for me (the hen) or for my people (the chicks). 

if you are one of my chicks, and you likely know who you are ... i gather you to me with love and protection. and i don't mean to mediate your emotions. and i care about all of you very deeply. 

i am going to continue thinking about gathering chicks and will write a part 2 when i have worked through the metaphor further. 

i will leave you with this confusing image of a fox and a hen ... will the fox eat the hen? can the hen gather the fox under her wing? is the nature of foxes such that the hen will become dinner regardless of the hen's innate instinct to protect?