my brain

being inside my brain these days would be like standing in a hailstorm ... or trying to outrun a tornado. my brain is constantly going; worrying, thinking, singing songs, repeating sentences, worrying some more. 

i wanted to explain the way i think about my brain. 

i feel it in layers. 

Jung believed:

" [...]  that the mind could be divided into unconscious and conscious parts. He felt that the unconscious mind was made up of layers. The personal unconscious is the part of the unconscious mind in which is stored each person's unique personal experiences and memories that may not be consciously remembered. Jung believed that the contents of each person's personal unconscious are organized in terms of complexes - clusters of emotional unconscious thoughts. One may have a complex towards their mother or towards their partner. Jung referred to the second layer of unconsciousness as the collective unconscious. This level contains memories and behavioural predisposition's that all people have inherited from common ancestors in the distant human past, providing us with essentially shared memories and tendencies. People across space and time tend to interpret and use experience in similar ways because of "archetypes" - universal, inherited human tendencies to perceive and act in certain ways. During analytic therapy, Jung may use certain archetypes to explain a persons unconscious thoughts that in turn affect their outward behaviour." 

 http://www.psychologycampus.com/analytical-psychology.html

but that isn't what i mean. i mean that my mind is in layers of thought, thinking at the same time, making my head loud and crowded at all times. 

at the back are the worrying thoughts that are always there. in the background. the next layer takes in what i see and hear and touch and smell and taste. then there is the next layer where music lives. lyrics and melodies running in a loop in the background. then there is the layer that thinks about what i am doing as i am doing it. and then the front layer which thinks the sentences that i am going to say aloud. sometimes in a loop. like, i will think the sentence "we need milk." and i will think that sentence over and over again in a loop until i say it aloud. other times i just think the sentence once before i say it. 

all that goes on at the same time. it's crowded in my head. making my head quiet is nearly impossible. the only time my head is quiet is in the early hours of the morning when i am half asleep and half awake. it's why i like sleeping in. sleeping in gives me time for my head to be quiet. 


does anyone else think the way i do? does anyone else have a busy head? or am i totally crazy?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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fighting your shadow

sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow. (SKEE-ah-mahk-ee)

www.cronicadodia.com.br 

i often find that the demons that i battle are within myself. i am my worst enemy when i should be my greatest ally and my best friend. it's hard to convince myself that i am important enough to defend and protect the way that i would defend and protect a friend. 

sciamachy also means fake fighting, play fighting, as in for practice or for exercise. but i like the idea of fighting your shadow and the imagery that goes along with that. 

panneverland.blogspot.com

peter pan had to fight his shadow, to reattach himself. and he needed help from wendy. i think we all need a wendy; a mother figure or momstitute to reattach our shadows so that we stop thinking of them as a separate entity and we stop fighting ourselves. we need to learn to embrace our shadows. 

Sue Monk Kidd wrote about how symbols find their way into our lives and give deeper meaning to our inner struggle:

"participating with symbols allows their deeper meaning to wrap around us and penetrate us. Through them, what is lost and unutterable inside us becomes real and accessible. 'as the mind explores the symbol it is led to ideas that lie beyond the grasp of reason.' wrote Jung."

ideas beyond the grasp of reason. Jung also wrote: 

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or even a picture that may be familiar in daily life, yet that possesses specific connotations in addition toits conventional and obvious meaning. It implies something vague, unknown, or hidden from us." 

hidden meaning in everyday images. i could ignore the symbols that present themselves repeatedly to me. or i could claim these symbols as my own. for me the repetitive symbols have been foxes, butterflies, and, more recently, the image of a mother hen. 

 

today nosy nora found me a new symbol ... as i was driving to my appointment today, the engine light came on in the car and it started to be jerky and jumpy. when i got to the parking lot, the car wouldn't go in reverse. i worked very hard on not having a meltdown. 

nosy nora said that the car could be a symbol for my life ... "only forward from now on; no going backwards."

jackiejonesfiction.com

in going forward, i am finding friends who are kind and compassionate and who hear my story without trying to change me or fix me. in going forward, i am giving my inner child the time she needs to tell her own story, and to heal. 

going forward means not returning to familiar patterns without noticing the return and questioning the patterns. my shadows that i battle use food in place of feeling my emotions. 

for example, last night i turned to chocolate mini eggs as i panicked over what i determined was a crisis. once i identified the crisis with the help of AG, i was able to stop eating the chocolate. it didn't even taste good. and i didn't want it anymore. thank you AG for giving me the questions to ask myself. 

AG said to me: "just remind yourself: 'i'm feeling some emotions. i'm not sure what they are but i feel overwhelmed so i'm eating to cope. and that's ok.' eventually you will stop eating."

shortly after my mini-binge, i received an email newsletter from geneen roth about binge eating. coincidence or the universe sending me a message? in the newsletter she wrote: 

"since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. the positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it is harder to continue with the same momentum."

instead of fighting my shadow, i need to embrace it. taste the food that i am eating. ask myself why i need that comfort. slow down and give myself the comfort through tasting and enjoying the taste of the food. 

going forward doesn't mean you don't encounter familiar scenery and familiar landmarks. it means you know how to get through the storms of life while traveling your path, because the familiarity of the past gives you knowledge instead of fear. identifying WHAT you are doing and paying attention to WHAT you are doing stops the trance of it. being mindful of eating the chocolate mini-eggs, tasting their overly-sweet flavour, slowed down the munching until i no longer wanted to eat them. 

going forward doesn't mean never diverging from your path. it means knowing which way you are headed and not turning around to go back from whence you came. 

may you go forward in your life and, as always, remember: 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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