compassion

emily dickinson wrote: "this is my letter to the world, that never wrote to me." 

i think that she was talking about compassion - or a lack of compassion.

what is compassion? and why do i talk about it so much? 

merrium webster defines compassion as the "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it." it comes from the latin word, compati, which means to sympathize or to bear.

i don't think that you can have compassion without empathy. empathy is derived from the greek word pathos which means to suffer.

so how do we find compassion and empathy in others and what does it mean to us when we find it?

the dalai lama said that "love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. without them, humanity cannot survive." and yet, i have found many people lacking in compassion and empathy - those who have closed off their hearts to the pain of others in order to focus on their own wounds. i feel great compassion for those who have shut their hearts to others, for it is in connecting with someone whose wounds are similar to yours that true understanding and healing takes place. 

to me, compassion means listening without judgement; showing empathy for people who are not our friends; hearing the stories of others and not trying to fix what is broken, but instead offering a smile.  

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ― Leo Buscaglia

the definition of compassion includes the "desire" to alleviate suffering. desire and action are not the same thing. alleviating suffering does not mean you have to fix the problem. sometimes alleviating the suffering means simply being there for someone in a time of need. 

over the last few months, i have been a hen, gathering my compassionate chicks under my wings. i have been finding people who will listen without trying to fix, who will understand without judgement, and who have a vast capacity for empathy. 

compassion comes not from fixing, but from being there for someone when they need a smile, or a hand, or an ear, or a friend. 

i leave you with this thought:

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” 

― Albert Einstein

be kind to yourself  (and to the world around you)

(ps, as i was searching for quotes about compassion, this quote made me think of nosy nora ... 

“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.” 
― Sam Levenson) 

xoxo
...

fighting your shadow

sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow. (SKEE-ah-mahk-ee)

www.cronicadodia.com.br 

i often find that the demons that i battle are within myself. i am my worst enemy when i should be my greatest ally and my best friend. it's hard to convince myself that i am important enough to defend and protect the way that i would defend and protect a friend. 

sciamachy also means fake fighting, play fighting, as in for practice or for exercise. but i like the idea of fighting your shadow and the imagery that goes along with that. 

panneverland.blogspot.com

peter pan had to fight his shadow, to reattach himself. and he needed help from wendy. i think we all need a wendy; a mother figure or momstitute to reattach our shadows so that we stop thinking of them as a separate entity and we stop fighting ourselves. we need to learn to embrace our shadows. 

Sue Monk Kidd wrote about how symbols find their way into our lives and give deeper meaning to our inner struggle:

"participating with symbols allows their deeper meaning to wrap around us and penetrate us. Through them, what is lost and unutterable inside us becomes real and accessible. 'as the mind explores the symbol it is led to ideas that lie beyond the grasp of reason.' wrote Jung."

ideas beyond the grasp of reason. Jung also wrote: 

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or even a picture that may be familiar in daily life, yet that possesses specific connotations in addition toits conventional and obvious meaning. It implies something vague, unknown, or hidden from us." 

hidden meaning in everyday images. i could ignore the symbols that present themselves repeatedly to me. or i could claim these symbols as my own. for me the repetitive symbols have been foxes, butterflies, and, more recently, the image of a mother hen. 

 

today nosy nora found me a new symbol ... as i was driving to my appointment today, the engine light came on in the car and it started to be jerky and jumpy. when i got to the parking lot, the car wouldn't go in reverse. i worked very hard on not having a meltdown. 

nosy nora said that the car could be a symbol for my life ... "only forward from now on; no going backwards."

jackiejonesfiction.com

in going forward, i am finding friends who are kind and compassionate and who hear my story without trying to change me or fix me. in going forward, i am giving my inner child the time she needs to tell her own story, and to heal. 

going forward means not returning to familiar patterns without noticing the return and questioning the patterns. my shadows that i battle use food in place of feeling my emotions. 

for example, last night i turned to chocolate mini eggs as i panicked over what i determined was a crisis. once i identified the crisis with the help of AG, i was able to stop eating the chocolate. it didn't even taste good. and i didn't want it anymore. thank you AG for giving me the questions to ask myself. 

AG said to me: "just remind yourself: 'i'm feeling some emotions. i'm not sure what they are but i feel overwhelmed so i'm eating to cope. and that's ok.' eventually you will stop eating."

shortly after my mini-binge, i received an email newsletter from geneen roth about binge eating. coincidence or the universe sending me a message? in the newsletter she wrote: 

"since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. the positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it is harder to continue with the same momentum."

instead of fighting my shadow, i need to embrace it. taste the food that i am eating. ask myself why i need that comfort. slow down and give myself the comfort through tasting and enjoying the taste of the food. 

going forward doesn't mean you don't encounter familiar scenery and familiar landmarks. it means you know how to get through the storms of life while traveling your path, because the familiarity of the past gives you knowledge instead of fear. identifying WHAT you are doing and paying attention to WHAT you are doing stops the trance of it. being mindful of eating the chocolate mini-eggs, tasting their overly-sweet flavour, slowed down the munching until i no longer wanted to eat them. 

going forward doesn't mean never diverging from your path. it means knowing which way you are headed and not turning around to go back from whence you came. 

may you go forward in your life and, as always, remember: 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

gathering my chicks ...

upon hearing my explanation of how i became friends with a couple people, KM commented that i am a "momstitute" ... since i spend much of my life looking for my own momstitute, i didn't connect to the term. so she amended it to say that i am a "mother hen" ... i asked her to explain and she said that i "gather my chicks" ...

google images

i have been thinking about that for a few days. what does it mean to gather my chicks? in how many different ways do i do that? and where does the instinct come from? 

so i googled it ... there are many religious references to a mother hen gathering her chicks, and not many references to actual chickens. 

Jesus Laments over Jerusalem37 “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!

When I approach a sitting hen and her chicks, she often gathers them under her wings. If I get too close she can become quite vocal. I don’t speak “chicken,” but no one will convince me that the mother hen isn’t saying, “Stay back, buddy. You can’t have MY babies!” A mother hen will do everything in her power to protect her biddies. It’s her instinct. Call it chicken love if you will, but the hen is hardwired to protect them. http://www.daveblackonline.com/chicken_love.htm

can i argue that i am hardwired to protect my friends and my family? that my depth of empathy enables (compels) me to gather my chicks under my wings and try my best to prevent pain and suffering?

The Free Dictionary defines a mother hen as:

- a person who fusses over others in an overprotective manner.
- a person who attends to the welfare of others, esp. one who is fussily protective.
- a person who cares for the needs of others (especially in an overprotective or interfering way)

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mother+hen

now those are things that i can relate to. i don't like to see people left out. i like to gather them into my community. i don't like to see children being hurt, i collect them and bring them into my heart. i become invested in the emotional lives of the people that i care about, and i am "fussily protective" of their feelings and their affairs. and as much as it is empathetic of me to "care for the needs of others" it most certainly plays out in an overprotective and sometimes interfering way. 

i don't think that my mother hen behaviour is all bad. i gather my people to me. i care about my people. i care about their well-being and i don't want to see them hurt. and i get protective when i feel they are being mistreated or misunderstood. 

i also gather the emotions of my people. and at times, i try to interfere and mediate their emotions. and this isn't good for me (the hen) or for my people (the chicks). 

if you are one of my chicks, and you likely know who you are ... i gather you to me with love and protection. and i don't mean to mediate your emotions. and i care about all of you very deeply. 

i am going to continue thinking about gathering chicks and will write a part 2 when i have worked through the metaphor further. 

i will leave you with this confusing image of a fox and a hen ... will the fox eat the hen? can the hen gather the fox under her wing? is the nature of foxes such that the hen will become dinner regardless of the hen's innate instinct to protect?