"it was during a time of painful conflict that i first began to experience myself as more than one. it was as though i sat in the midst of many selves." - Elizabeth O'Connor
i think that's what it must be like for a caterpillar who spins a cocoon. do they know that they are going to dissolve into "goo" and to stew in their many selves; caterpillar, butterfly, goo, cells, bits and pieces of their selves ... just waiting ...
lately, i have been encountering butterflies. whether it is on my mother-in-law's bookshelf, a photo in the living room at a B&B, a random sighting, a metaphor, a book, or in my own kitchen; butterflies just seem to find their way to me lately.
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| a gift from MD for my 18th birthday xoxo |
KM met a woman who recommended a book to her called When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. she read it and mentioned to me that it had butterfly and cocoon imagery and that she thought of me. KM then loaned the book to me.
it is the kind of book that i could read in one sitting, but i am making myself read it slowly in small pieces so that i can take it all in.
because the truth is, i think that Sue Monk Kidd (SMK) climbed into my head and wrote the book through me. her experience is my experience. which makes me feel so much less alone. maybe we all feel this way. maybe we all go through this.
"i too sat in the midst of many selves. the pleaser, the performer, the perfectionist - my trinity of p's. i was learning how these old roles were connected to another powerful role that i played out: the good little girl." -(SMK)
yes yes yes.
this.
this was me, my own trinity of p's haunting me from the pages of her book. i have been exploring the idea of myself being made up of many selves, and here it was written in ink, experienced by someone else: the powerful role of the good little girl (the GLG)
"my good little girl endured everything sweetly, feared coloring outside of the traditional lines, and frequently cut herself off from her real thoughts and feelings. she was well adapted to thinking other people's thoughts and following the path of least resistance." - SMK
yes yes yes and AGAIN yes. my own role as the GLG was learned very early in life. not wanting to cause ripples on the water, it became easier for me to follow the rules laid out for me. my path of least resistance meant finding ways to numb myself from my thoughts and feelings and my reactions to what was going on around me. my path of least resistance meant listening to what i was being told, taking in the messages from adults and peers, and learning at a very young age that i was fat, and ugly, and worthless, and that the best way to forge my way through the fire of life was to do what i was told, to never talk back, to follow all the rules, to be who i was expected to be ...
... now is the winter of my discontent (thanks shakespeare). not only because this winter seems colder, and snowier, and longer than recent winters. but because my role as the GLG is being questioned; is being turned on its head and being stewed in my own goo as i wait in my chrysalis exploring my many selves. is there such a thing as the Bad Little Girl (the BLG) ? because that's who i was in secret. the GLG was my public self. my secret self rebelled by harming myself in multiple ways. my secret self broke rules that i knew wouldn't be noticed. was i the the BLG? or was i simply a little girl who wanted attention? who wanted to be loved?
i am in my chrysalis now, but without the deep longing and need to wrap myself in my duvet cocoon. i am in my chrysalis because i am being still and waiting. i am exploring my many selves and allowing myself to be spiritually reborn. no, SC, i won't be climbing into a bag and reenacting my birth. i promise! this isn't a REbirth, this is a new birth. it is a transformation. it is a claiming of my life as my own. it is time of waiting, and listening to my inner self, in order to grow my own wings and become my own butterfly.
"the greek word for soul is psyche, and is often represented by a butterfly. while it was tempting for me to think that the growth and emergence of my authentic self would happen with little time or effort on my part, that isn't so." SMK
i wanted nothing more than to go back to work. i was going to "cheat" myself and my doctors and go back to work, force myself to suck it up and carry on. not give myself the time that i need. because the GLG knows that going to work and being a productive member of society is important. the BLG was telling me that by staying home and listening to the doctors, i was breaking all the rules that my childhood taught me.
and then i read more of When the Heart Waits and came to understand that growing wings takes time. and that being still with myself is important. and this is a luxury. not everyone has the opportunity to take this time for themselves, to heal, to grow, to reflect. i have been given a gift: the gift of a chrysalis. and i can sit here, my gooey self, reflecting, reading, learning, growing, and becoming my authentic self.
"bright wings and works of art don't just happen. they require the courage to let go and spin the chrysalis.[...] wherever there are bright new wings, there's always the husk of waiting somewhere in the corner." SMK
this is scary. this is hard. waiting.
waiting is far from easy. the GLG and the BLG both want to give up. but becoming a butterfly means spinning a cocoon and trusting that you will come out the other side, changed, and with wings that will carry you to new places. strong wings that will allow you to fly, and to soar on the breeze. waiting means trusting. trusting means letting go. and letting go means leaning into the fear.
"we have to be patient. we have to let go and tap our creative stillness. most of all, we have to trust that our scarred hearts really do have wings" SMK
xoxo
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