Tacenda

I was a brownie. And it was thrilling. The ugly brown dress with the sash full of badges that showed off my accomplishments. 

When it was time to graduate to girl guides, there were 2 ways to get there: flying or walking. 

If you flew, it meant that you had earned the right number of badges. We got to make wings out of wire coat hangers and nylons. And then decorated them with sparkles. At a special ceremony we wore our wings and graduated from brownies to guides. 

But there was one girl who hadn't earned enough badges. She didn't have her golden bars. So she had to make shoe boxes with wings on them and wear them on her feet during the ceremony. 

I remember feeling pride and disgust. Pride that I had managed to catch up to the other girls who started brownies 2 years before me, and disgust that this poor 9 year old had to walk with shoe boxes on her feet - a public shaming. 

But I said nothing. Because I lived my life under the premise of tacenda. 

I wonder if there really are things better left unsaid ... I do like to say tah-chen-dah. I like the way the syllables fit together; like music. 

One could argue that if a child is driving you bonkers and won't stop screeching and climbing on things and throwing her toys, it would be better not to say "shut up you're making me crazy!" 

I am not suggesting that you go around saying whatever pops into your head ... however, you need to say something - redirect the child's energy. So it IS better to say something. 

If you're angry at your partner and you are at your wits end, it's better to leave unsaid the words "you're so stupid and I hate the way you fold your socks and chew your toast!" But is it really better to leave things unsaid? Or do you need to say to your partner, "I'm angry and frustrated and I feel unheard." ? 

Things unsaid are festering wounds on your insides. 

If you said every thought that crosses your mind, you probably wouldn't have any friends. But I think never saying anything is equally harmful - to you and the people you interact with. 

I have spent my life in tacenda. 

Until now. 

I have let things go unspoken. I took away my voice. I was "always already" silent. Everything was better left unsaid. 

The concept of "always already" was not coined, but developed by Jacque Derrida. The term suggests a process in motion, waiting to be revealed or noticed. For example, humans will learn a language of communication, so they are always already linguistic communicators.  

Derrida's use of always already was specifically in relation to deconstructionism as it relates to writings. However, I think that one can deconstruct anything; including but not limited to, institutions, interactions, concepts, and the Self. 

As I wait in my chrysalis to become a butterfly, and go through the process of therapy, I am deconstructing my Self. I was always already silent. I was always already passive. 

I often hear it said that "people don't really change" .... however, I am changing, growing, and going through my own metamorphosis. And through this process I am finding my voice. 

I think there is nothing better left unsaid. I think I have always already been brave, strong, resilient, open, and a speaker of my mind ... it just hasn't happened yet. But the process is in motion and it will come with my wings when I become a butterfly. And my wings won't be wings of shame on shoe boxes I wear on my feet. My wings will be beautiful and joyful and live-filled. 

Say something today. Say something you would normally keep to yourself. Say it with kindness. And see what happens. 

xoxo

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