changes and fear

a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good. 

well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet. 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)

i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe. 

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.” 
― Lemony Snicket

my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing. 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” 
― Erica Jong

turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue. 

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.” 
― Shel Silverstein

it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn. 

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.” 
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change. 

so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

(dis)comfort

comfort: the familiar, what i know, routine, driving the same route every day, my couch, a blanket, anne of green gables ...

discomfort: change, telling people how i feel, taking care of myself, putting my needs first ...

comfort zone: a space of being in which risks are not taken, and anxiety is low ... 

i have been stepping out of my comfort zone over the last year; allowing myself to FEEL, to connect, to find a sense of belonging, and to BE. i thought that i was content to be numb and guarded, keeping my stories and my truths to mySelf. but as AG likes to say, "and how is that working for you?" i wasn't happy. i wasn't healthy. and i was stuck. 

stepping out of my comfort zone means finding comfort in other ways - in safer, healthier ways. it means allowing the discomfort of trying something new. 

there is a (dis)comfort involved in the newness of owning my stories, of speaking my truth, of opening up, of telling people how i feel, or writing this candid blog ...  there is the freeing feeling of owning my story and telling it. there is the terrifying feeling of not knowing how my story will be received. 

i was stuck as a caterpillar before. munching away on the same leaves, day in and day out, afraid to spin my chrysalis. afraid of the (dis)comfort of both sameness and of change. 

now ... i can feel my wings growing ... little itty bitty wings, making their way out of me with each change that i make in my life. growing stronger with each story and truth that i own and tell. 

try a bit of discomfort, and be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fighting your shadow

sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow. (SKEE-ah-mahk-ee)

www.cronicadodia.com.br 

i often find that the demons that i battle are within myself. i am my worst enemy when i should be my greatest ally and my best friend. it's hard to convince myself that i am important enough to defend and protect the way that i would defend and protect a friend. 

sciamachy also means fake fighting, play fighting, as in for practice or for exercise. but i like the idea of fighting your shadow and the imagery that goes along with that. 

panneverland.blogspot.com

peter pan had to fight his shadow, to reattach himself. and he needed help from wendy. i think we all need a wendy; a mother figure or momstitute to reattach our shadows so that we stop thinking of them as a separate entity and we stop fighting ourselves. we need to learn to embrace our shadows. 

Sue Monk Kidd wrote about how symbols find their way into our lives and give deeper meaning to our inner struggle:

"participating with symbols allows their deeper meaning to wrap around us and penetrate us. Through them, what is lost and unutterable inside us becomes real and accessible. 'as the mind explores the symbol it is led to ideas that lie beyond the grasp of reason.' wrote Jung."

ideas beyond the grasp of reason. Jung also wrote: 

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or even a picture that may be familiar in daily life, yet that possesses specific connotations in addition toits conventional and obvious meaning. It implies something vague, unknown, or hidden from us." 

hidden meaning in everyday images. i could ignore the symbols that present themselves repeatedly to me. or i could claim these symbols as my own. for me the repetitive symbols have been foxes, butterflies, and, more recently, the image of a mother hen. 

 

today nosy nora found me a new symbol ... as i was driving to my appointment today, the engine light came on in the car and it started to be jerky and jumpy. when i got to the parking lot, the car wouldn't go in reverse. i worked very hard on not having a meltdown. 

nosy nora said that the car could be a symbol for my life ... "only forward from now on; no going backwards."

jackiejonesfiction.com

in going forward, i am finding friends who are kind and compassionate and who hear my story without trying to change me or fix me. in going forward, i am giving my inner child the time she needs to tell her own story, and to heal. 

going forward means not returning to familiar patterns without noticing the return and questioning the patterns. my shadows that i battle use food in place of feeling my emotions. 

for example, last night i turned to chocolate mini eggs as i panicked over what i determined was a crisis. once i identified the crisis with the help of AG, i was able to stop eating the chocolate. it didn't even taste good. and i didn't want it anymore. thank you AG for giving me the questions to ask myself. 

AG said to me: "just remind yourself: 'i'm feeling some emotions. i'm not sure what they are but i feel overwhelmed so i'm eating to cope. and that's ok.' eventually you will stop eating."

shortly after my mini-binge, i received an email newsletter from geneen roth about binge eating. coincidence or the universe sending me a message? in the newsletter she wrote: 

"since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. the positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it is harder to continue with the same momentum."

instead of fighting my shadow, i need to embrace it. taste the food that i am eating. ask myself why i need that comfort. slow down and give myself the comfort through tasting and enjoying the taste of the food. 

going forward doesn't mean you don't encounter familiar scenery and familiar landmarks. it means you know how to get through the storms of life while traveling your path, because the familiarity of the past gives you knowledge instead of fear. identifying WHAT you are doing and paying attention to WHAT you are doing stops the trance of it. being mindful of eating the chocolate mini-eggs, tasting their overly-sweet flavour, slowed down the munching until i no longer wanted to eat them. 

going forward doesn't mean never diverging from your path. it means knowing which way you are headed and not turning around to go back from whence you came. 

may you go forward in your life and, as always, remember: 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...