embers

i have been thinking a great deal about embers. 

the embers have always been the best part of a campfire. the night is ending, the stars are bright above, the fire is dying out. the coals are hot and just right for toasting marshmallows. i like to watch the embers dance, even more than the actual fire itself. 

embers are hot and glowing. 

they emanate heat, despite not being a fire. they can burn themselves out, or they can rekindle a fire. embers are often used as metaphors for something that is dying out.

William Manchester wrote: “Abruptly the poker of memory stirs the ashes of recollection and uncovers a forgotten ember, still smoldering down there, still hot, still glowing, still red as red.”

the poker of memory stirs the ashes of recollection. yes. lately, i have been poking around in my memories, and stirring up feelings. feelings that have been smoldering inside me for many, many years. feelings that i have ignored or numbed myself from. feelings that i have shoved away, but that have made me what i am.

i was taught that i don’t deserve to be loved or taken care of. 

i was taught that i don’t need to stand up for myself; that i don’t matter. 

i learned that it was important to be independent and self-reliant; that it wasn’t okay to need anyone else; that i needed to be self sufficient and take care of my needs on my own. 

my basic needs were met. 

but not my emotional needs.

and as i look  back at my life, at the things that i didn’t get, at the messages that i DID get … the smoldering feelings are burning inside me. and it is hard to think about anything else.

that’s why i crawl into my cocoon and i want to stay in here for days at a time. i am scared of this ember and what a rekindled fire could look like.

and today, i don't have anything inspiring to tell you. i don't have any words of wisdom. all i have is my fear today.

xoxo

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