meraki and self-hate

why does shame and self-loathing become cruelty to the innocent? - anne rice

meraki: the soul, creativity, or love put into something; the essence of yourself that is put into your work. 

this blog is my meraki. this blog is where i put my emotional energy. it is a way to feel connected to other people. the emails that i get from readers who say that they relate to my stories make this blog worthwhile. 

AT said to me that this blog is like my personal journal that i make public. she's right. and it's also a way for me to find connection in a safe way. because the people who don't want to read it, wont read it. the people who i don't want to know my story don't know who i am anyway. 

writing this blog gives me strength. 

i have discovered recently that there are many people who have stories similar to mine. many people who find themselves in a spiral of self-hatred. chuck palahniuk wrote: "when we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves." i agree to an extent. and yet i think that we know exactly who to hate, but we think that we are not deserving of having these feelings, and so we blame ourselves for the hurt inflicted upon us and we hate ourselves instead. 

self-hatred is a coping mechanism that allows us to focus the anger that we don't think other people deserve. LES takes her anger and rage and frustration and history of abuse and turns it inward. hating herself and allowing people to continue to treat her like shit. and then treats herself the way she has learned to be treated ... sound familiar? 

it is easier to think that we deserve mistreatment than it is to stand up for ourselves. it is easier to believe that we are unworthy than it is to give ourselves what we need. 

i am dealing with my self-hatred by blogging. i am dealing with my feelings of inadequacy by making myself believe that i have something to say that is worth sharing; by making myself believe that people actually are interested in what i have to say. 

blogging is my meraki. i want to encourage you, my faithful readers, to find your meraki. find something that you put your soul, your love, and your essence into. 


and as always ... be kind to yourself

xoxo

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