changes and fear

a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good. 

well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet. 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)

i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe. 

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.” 
― Lemony Snicket

my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing. 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” 
― Erica Jong

turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue. 

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.” 
― Shel Silverstein

it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn. 

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.” 
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change. 

so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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