anxious

lately i feel a sense of panic all the time. like something bad is coming. but i don't know what it is. 

anxiety has a grip on me. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

i can't imagine being free. i can't imagine what it would feel like not to be worrying about something. i wonder what it would feel like? 

i want to describe my anxiety. but i am having trouble finding the words. 

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ― Anaïs Nin

i disagree with anais nin ... i think that the person feeling the anxiety is the one who feels like they are trying to save a drowning man. anxiety is the man who has a grip on you and you have to decide to let him go in order to save yourself. 

anxiety clings to me and pulls me down. 

the latest thing that gets to me is commercials for things like cars. i have no idea why. car commercials make my heart start to race. i think it is the idea of making a huge purchase. i have a car. a good car. i've only had it for a year and a half. so i'm not buying a new car. i don't know why i am sent into a panic whenever i see or hear a commercial for cars. did you know there are a zillion car commercials on the radio and television? sheesh. 

“To hear the phrase "our only hope" always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn't work, there is nothing left.” ― Lemony Snicket

i feel like i live my life on the verge of "our only hope" as if there is nothing i can do to save myself from whatever is coming. intellectually i know that there is nothing bad coming. but emotionally i am waiting for the next terrible thing to occur. 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom

carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength ... carrying the worries of things that i can't control. i can't control the things that i worry about and i worry about things that are beyond my control. i use up a great deal of energy worrying and feeling anxious. it's exhausting to be honest. no wonder i am so tired all the time. 

“Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.” ― Jodi Picoult

i know intellectually that worrying doesn't solve any problems. worrying doesn't prepare me for tomorrow. it doesn't help me get through my day. but it certainly occupies my time and occupies my brain power. 

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

i agree that my anxieties are not about "real" problems. but i don't agree that my anxiety is imagined. the constant worrying, the grinding of my teeth, the biting of my nails, the lying awake at night, the wondering ...  those aren't imagined. those are real. 

“But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window--maybe rearrange all the furniture.” ― Raymond Carver

i take my nervous energy and i put it into my body; i grind my teeth, i bite the insides of my cheeks, i dig my nails into my cuticles. i direct my anxiety into my body. my heart races, my stomach is in knots, and my palms are often sweaty. 

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ― Khalil Gibran

my anxiety is about my fear of what i can't control. 

when i get most anxious is when i am faced with something that i can't control, like the reactions of other people, or trying to find a parking spot, or driving somewhere and getting lost. 

“For so many years, I couldn’t understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, like… for real, they would eventually turn to vapor. Every person whom I’ve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. I’ve breathed all of them in so deeply that I’ve nearly choked and died on every soul that I’ve ever given myself to.” ― Jennifer Elisabeth

my biggest fear is that everyone i love will die and leave me alone. i spend a lot of energy worrying about death. the truth is, that everyone WILL die, eventually. so it isn't a completely unrealistic fear. the unrealistic part is how i spend so much time, energy, and fear worrying about it. the anxiety of it eats me up inside and takes up a huge space in my brain. 

this is the part of my blog post where i am supposed to give you some piece of advice about anxiety. this is the part where i share some gem ... some wisdom about living your life to the fullest, about how to rid yourself of worries, about how to free yourself from anxiety. 

i can't do that this time. this post is about my own struggle, not about how to free yourself from yours. all i can say is, 

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” ― Brené Brown

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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