pragmatism and romanticism ...

dear blog readers ...

"oh stuff and nonsense."

 "for mercy's sake."

everything i learned in my childhood, i learned from books. books were my friends, my teachers, my escape ...

anne of green gables, the brothers lionheart, the search for delicious, half magic, magic or not, the coocoo clock, michael's secret war: from my books i learned about life, love, death, family, empathy, loyalty, romance, and emotions. 

anne of green gables was the most influencial. anne shirley continues to be my guide, marilla has always been my moral compass, and rachel lynde my model of how not to be judgmental (and how even the ones with the sharpest tongues are capable of love).

"here sat marilla cuthbert, when she sat at all, slightly distrustful of sunshine, which seemed to her too dancing and irresponsible a thing for a world which was meant to be taken seriously ..." - L.M. Montgomery

the juxtaposition of these voices in my head often guides me in my decision making. what would anne say? what would marilla say? what would rachel say?

marilla: you set your heart too much on frivolous things and then crash down into despair when you don't get them.
anne: i know. i can't help flying up on the wings of anticipation. it's as glorious as soaring through a sunset ... almost pays for the thud.
marilla: well, maybe it does. but i'd rather walk calmly along and do without the flying and the thud.

balancing the pragmatism and romanticism of marilla and anne has always been my goal and challenge - to fly on the wings of anticipation while walking calmly ...

(marilla tries to cheer up anne with plum puffs)
anne: plum puffs won't minister to a mind diseased in a world that's crumbled into pieces.
marilla: well i'm glad to see that your dented spirits haven't injured your tongue.

to speak like anne or to speak like marilla? to write my romantical thoughts about the way that i see the world - filled with sunsets and magical unicorns in the clouds - or to write with the straightforwardness or marilla and rachel? 

sometimes when i read back my writing, i have marilla in my head saying, "oh stuff and nonsense."  and other times, all i have is anne and her words - the words that stay with me and guide me on my path. 

other times, like when i am standing in a long line and shifting on my feet, getting annoyed, i have rachel lynde in my ear saying, "patience has ceased to be a virtue." or when i have done something questionable and i am admonishing myself, rachel in my ear whispers, "that's what" or "mark my words." 

when i know that there is something going on, or there is gossip that i haven't heard, i find myself echoing rachel as matthew rides by in the buggy and saying, "oh, my afternoon is spoiled."

"this is the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me." - anne shirley

struggling with depression and anxiety has been extremely tragical. and i often have that sentence playing on a loop in my head. especially when i feel as though i am "in the depths of despair."

"my life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. that's a sentence i read once and i say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul."

there are times when i get into a tornado of regrets - all the things i could have done, didn't do, wish i had done, tried to do and failed ... and i think of anne and how much she was loved. i wish i could be as loved as anne. the unconditional love that matthew had for her. the way he doted on her. it's what i dream a parent should be. 

and of course there is anne's "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." that i remind myself of each night as i think over all the things that went wrong. 

and i will leave you with this thought from anne, that sums up how i feel about this blog and about my writing, and about my need for connection ... 

"i know i chatter on far too much but if you only knew how many things i want to say and don't."

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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wants, needs, and shame

"we all struggle with feelings of not being good enough, not having enough and not belonging enough. i have found that the most effective way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy is to share our experiences. of course, in this culture, telling our stories takes courage." - Brene Brown

i have been wanting to find the courage to work my way through shame by fulfilling my need to tell my stories. and i have found lately that what we want and what we need are not always compatible.  i want to be able to go back to work and function. i want to be able to give the best of myself in my job. i need to take care of myself and i need to take some more time off. 

i need to get to a point where i am in balance. where my wants and my needs don't out-weigh each other. and, where my needs don't cause me to feel shame. 

what i crave most in the world is connection. i think that is normal. i think it is what AG called "the human condition." what we all want and need is connection, acceptance, and belonging. 

and when our needs outweigh our wants, or worse, cancel out our wants, we are afraid that we will be judged, unaccepted, and that we will no longer have a sense of belonging. sometimes our wants make us feel the same way. 

"shame unravels our connection to others. in fact, i often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection - the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

when i am so busy worrying about what others will think of me and my story, i spiral into what Brene Brown called a "shame storm" where feelings of shame beget more feelings of shame. 

but what is shame? it is not the same thing as feeling embarrassed or humiliated. if my pants feel down while walking down the street, i would be embarrassed. if i farted loudly at the front of the classroom while teaching a lesson on synonyms, i would be humiliated. but in both those case, i would still feel a sense of belonging and connection. i wouldn't feel shame. Brene Brown defines shame as:

"[...] the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

women feel shame when they can't live up to the unrealistic standards that have been set out for them. i feel shame when i can't do what i expect myself to be able to do. 

i expect myself to be able to take care of everyone around me and put myself last. i expect myself to function fully without letting my feelings interfere with what has to get done. i expect myself to put both my wants and needs last, behind everyone else's. 

my needs make me feel shame. my need to connect, my need to feel like i belong, my need to reach out to people for support, for love, for compassion, for understanding. my needs leave me in a shame storm.

shame is the belief that our stories will make us less than everyone else. but if we all feel this sense of shame, then our belonging and connection to each other comes from being willing to share our stories, to tell our truths, and to let our needs take the forefront of our lives. 


i leave you with this thought ...

"you cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviours." - Brene Brown

and that includes your own behaviours ... you cannot shame or belittle yourself into making changes in your life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fears and anxieties

fear

Feelings Evoked by an Anxiety Response.

Feelings Evolved from A Reaction. 

fear of heights, of clowns, of spiders, of the dark, of tests, of fire ... 

fear

fear is a chemical reaction, in your brain, to a stimulus, which causes the heart rate to increase and breathing to become more shallow. 

i'm afraid of bugs, and big angry dogs, and mice, and rats. 

there is a difference between fear and anxiety. i feel afraid and anxious about many things. big things, like abandonment, being alone, and getting terribly lost. i am anxious about finding a parking spot, or getting my administrative paperwork done on time. i am anxious about going somewhere new. i am anxious about meeting new people and going to parties, and being in social situations. 

fear

fear is like waking up and seeing a hungry lion on your bed about to eat you ... that would be FEAR!

my Dog is anxious around new dogs. but she also has fears. Dog is afraid of laundry being sorted into piles. it upsets her so much that she will run upstairs and hide, or hide behind the couch, or one time she jumped up on SC's lap for protection ... (she is a big dog - not a lap dog)

Dog is also afraid of snow falling off the roof. today she followed me everywhere around the house to avoid having to be alone as small drifts of snow fell from the roof past the living room window.

fear

i think that fear is there to tell us that something is wrong. i think that our bodies talk to us through our fears. fear is an evolutionary mechanism that limits our ability to do stupid things. for example, i have a legitimate fear of pain. therefore, i am afraid of fire. i am afraid to put logs on a campfire because i don't want to get burned. fear of strange men on a bus who are drunk, and loud, and harassing you ... well that makes sense. your body tells you that this situation is not okay. 

i think that our bodies, and our brains, know more about our world that we consciously do. fear is a message that something is wrong. 

i wish that i could be like my dog; be afraid of silly things like dirty clothes being put into piles, and be able to follow around my person for protection. i wish that i could be a child and climb into a parent's lap for protection. 

but since we are adults, we need to know how to help ourselves with our fears that make us anxious. because we don't need to live our lives afraid. 

from "How Things Work"

Eight Practical Tips

The Prevention magazine article "What are you afraid of?: 8 secrets that make fear disappear" offers these tips for dealing with everyday fears:

1. It doesn't matter why you're scared. Knowing why you've developed a particular fear doesn't do much to help you overcome it, and it delays your progress in areas that will actually help you become less afraid. Stop trying to figure it out.
2. Learn about the thing you fear. Uncertainty is a huge component of fear: Developing an understanding of what you're afraid of goes a long way toward erasing that fear.
3. Train. If there's something you're afraid to try because it seems scary or difficult, start small and work in steps. Slowly building familiarity with a scary subject makes it more manageable.
4. Find someone who is not afraid. If there's something you're afraid of, find someone who is not afraid of that thing and spend time with that person. Take her along when you try to conquer your fear -- it'll be much easier.
5. Talk about it. Sharing your fear out loud can make it seem much less daunting.
6. Play mind games with yourself. If you're afraid of speaking in front of groups, it's probably because you think the audience is going to judge you. Try imagining the audience members naked -- being the only clothed person in the room puts you in the position of judgment.
7. Stop looking at the grand scheme. Think only about each successive step. If you're afraid of heights, don't think about being on the fortieth floor of a building. Just think about getting your foot in the lobby.
8. Seek help. Fear is not a simple emotion. If you're having trouble overcoming your fear on your own, find a professional to help you. There are lots of treatments for fear out there, and no good reason not to try them under the guidance of someone with training and experience.

and as always ... be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

stories

i want to write about stories:

the stories we tell ourselves, the stories we tell our families, the stories we we tell our friends, the stories we tell the world ...

DS mentioned something he learned about memories, and how each time we tell a memory, we change a little piece of the memory. and that the most pure memories are the ones we can't remember. 

i think it is more than that. i think that we tell our stories for so many different reasons. 

the stories we tell the world, are the stories that make us look good. we aren't going to tell the world that we are mean, and angry, and selfish. we edit our stories to make us sound like the good little people we want to be. 

the stories we tell our families are edited. we leave out the shame. 

to our friends, we tell stories that cast us in various lights; trying to balance our shame, our truth, our joy, our sadness ... 

and then there are the stories that we tell ourselves. these are the stories that our inner critic narrates inside our heads. and although we believe that all the other stories we tell are the altered stories ... it's the stories we tell ourselves that are the most distorted. 

the inner critic in my head is an on-going monologue ... more like a diatribe - a forceful and bitter attack against myself. my inner critic is mean, angry, shaming, loud, nasty, and doesn't know how to be quiet and listen. my inner critic is debilitating.

http://audacium.com/i-thought-my-inner-critic-superego-was-bigger-than-yours/

when i tell myself a story, or retell a story to myself, the inner critic takes over and analyses everything and then tells myself that i was stupid, or embarrassing, or worthless, and therefore i AM stupid, and embarrassing, and worthless. 

so what do we DO with our inner critic? how do we stop her from ranting and raving inside the very core of ourselves? Zed and i talked about the inner critic yesterday (welcome to being quoted in the blog!). Zed suggested that perhaps the inner critic needs to be killed. She thought perhaps drowned. and we agreed that drowning her with ice cream, and chocolate, and chips, and candy, and french fries, and done nothing except make me fat. 

so i decided to ask Zed about her inner critic ... who is this voice? why is it so mean? and how do you silence this voice?

my inner critic? well she isn't as loud as she used to be. growing up, i was always the 'smart one.' i never thought i had much talent in anything. my middle sister was amazing at everything. i felt like i wasn't good enough. BUT ... that all changed as i got older and i realised that looks and beauty are fleeting, and it's what counts on the inside. i had many anxieties about new situations. like, you wont get that job, you're not qualified ... blah, blah, blah ... i could go on ... the inner critic is like this pimple on your face that is massive. sometimes you can cover it with your hair or make up, and sometimes it's out there for the whole world to see and you can't do anything about it. mine is like a tiny red mark on my forehead - there, but no one really notices it. 

so the inner critic lives in all of us. the question is how to silence her. is it with therapy? is it with medication? is it with mediation? is it with hate or with love? 

Zed said that her husband sees something in her that she didn't see "for the longest time." so now when her inner critic is speaking, quietly, she smothers her with a pillow. maybe being loved fully and deeply quiets the inner critic. maybe it is love that is smothering her, and not a pillow at all. 

AG, on the other hand, tries to listen to the inner critic. like she's a little girl who has something to say. and that she needs to be listened to, and treated with compassion, and given what she needs. and by discovering that, she can be quieted. 

i try to listen past the anger and hurt of the inner critic. but she is so loud. so persistent. and so mean. 

the stories we tell ourselves are not all lies. they are distorted versions of the truth that make us feel safe in the familiar. it is safe for me to tell myself that i am undeserving. it is safe for me to tell myself  that i am not good enough. or that i am just not enough. it is safe, because if i changed the narrative ... if i began to tell myself that i am good, or smart, or worthy, or enough ... if i began to have a voice in my head telling me that i am deserving ... well that would just be crazy! i would start to think that i deserved things. i would start to want things. i would start to ASK for things. and that would be such an enormous shift in my reality, that i don't even know what that would look like and it is terrifying. 

i am "leaning into" the terror ... how do you quiet YOUR inner critic? use the contact form on the right to tell me your story, or leave your comment for others to read. because, after all, sharing your stories is what frees us from the loneliness and the silence. 

xoxo

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