facebook

facebook sucks. 

and i love it. 

i hate it too. 

it sucks me in every time i decide not to use it anymore. 

what do i hate the most? 

in all honesty, what i hate the most is seeing my friends who are no longer my in-person friends and seeing that they are still friends with each other in the real world. it makes me feel lonely. extremely lonely. it reminds me of the friends who have moved on from my life. 

i find it very depressing. 

facebook gives us this false sense of community. it makes you feel connected to all sorts of people whom you would never connect with in the real world. like friends from grade school who you haven't seen in 30 years and wont see in person, but we are facebook friends. 

community is defined in 2 ways:

1. a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristics in common. 

2. a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. 


but now we have this third type of community, which is a cyber community - made up of people who do not necessarily share attitudes, interests or goals, and they don't live in the same place or necessarily have characteristics in common. so what is it?

community is also defined as:

 a set of interactions, human behaviours that have meaning and expectations between its members. Not just action, but actions based on shared expectations, values, beliefs and meanings between individuals. [...] Although a community is a cultural system (in that it transcends its individual persons) do not assume that a community is a harmonious unity. It isn't. It is full of factions, struggles and conflicts, based upon differences in gender, religion, access to wealth, ethnicity, class, educational level, income, ownership of capital, language and many other factors. http://cec.vcn.bc.ca/cmp/whatcom.htm#Bit

facebook is this strange space in which people share photos of food, videos of cats, stories about their kids, and articles they find on buzzfeed. there is a shared meaning between its members, and shared expectations which fits the broader meaning of community. 

there is something exciting about your status being "liked" and something disappointing when your status doesn't get any "likes". 

today my facebook feed consists of 3 back to school articles, an article about vitamin D and preventing cancer, 7 photos of cats, 12 videos of the ice bucket challenge for ALS, 4 photos of puns, 2 status updates about children, and 3 photos of the baseball game. 

what does this say about my cyber community? what does this say about my interests, my goals, my aspirations? what does it say about me? 

then there are the status updates that show me how much more fun everyone else seems to be having than me. followed by another photo of a cat. or food. 

and the truth is, as much as i hate facebook, i also love it and am obsessed with looking at my newsfeed and "liking" things. i love seeing photos of peoples children. i love seeing what old friends are up to. i could do with less cats. just saying. 

what are your thoughts on facebook?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

honest conversations

honest conversations. we all need to have them. we all fear them. they are hard. so how do we go about preparing ourselves to have them?

the first step is deciding on your intentions. what do you want to get out of the conversation? what do you want the other person to get out of it? what do you need? 

check in with yourself to see what you are feeling. understanding your feelings can help you to gather your thoughts and to separate your needs and wants from your feelings. 

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf

ask yourself if you are ready. are you ready to hear what the other person has to say? are you ready for their reactions? 

how much do you plan to tell the other person. you can be honest without sharing every single thing in your brain. sometimes it's better to keep some things to yourself. 

ask yourself what you are assuming the other person is going to say. what do you believe about the other person? what do you believe about how they are going to treat you?

think about your buttons and your triggers. what is going to test your limits? what are you able to tolerate from the other person?

go into the conversation with a positive attitude. if you decide that it is going to go horribly, then it probably will. 

begin the conversation by admitting that you don't know what the other person is thinking and feeling - because you don't. acknowledge what the other person says. this demonstrates that you are listening, and more importantly, that they are being heard. 

How Do I Begin?

• I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.
• I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.
• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
• I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with him.
• I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.
• I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________.
• I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.                             http://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php

difficult conversations are just that: difficult. but they are important and worthwhile. 

Harvard Business Review lists 9 common mistakes we make when having difficult conversations. 

1. we become combative. 
2. we try to make things too simple. 
3. we aren't respectful enough.
4. we lash out, or shut down.
5. we react when we are thwarted (Lying, threatening, stonewalling, crying, sarcasm, shouting, silence, accusing, taking offense)

6. we get hooked by our weak spot.

7. we rehearse a script. we don't 

know how the person will respond. so we can't

 actually practice everything we plan to say. 

8. we make assumptions about the other 

person's intentions.  

9. we lose sight of the goal. 

http://hbr.org/web/slideshows/difficult-conversations-nine-common-mistakes/1-slide


beginning the conversation is probably the most difficult part. after that, it is a matter of staying calm and not combative. 

i have faith in you. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes and fear

a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good. 

well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet. 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)

i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe. 

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.” 
― Lemony Snicket

my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing. 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” 
― Erica Jong

turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue. 

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.” 
― Shel Silverstein

it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn. 

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.” 
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change. 

so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

numbing

ways to be numb:

pills
food
alcohol
extreme sports
exercise
sleep
avoiding people and social situations
gambling
smoking
sex
the internet


we numb ourselves to avoid the difficult feelings. the feelings that are overwhelming. 

“I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind.” 
― Jessica Sorensen

the pain of being left behind can be drowning. the pain of friends growing apart. of lovers leaving. of loved ones dying. of friends moving away or moving on. 

“I’ve perfected the art of the fake smile. It’s not so difficult when you are completely numb.” 
― Bethany Griffin

when you numb yourself to the pain so completely, that you feel nothing, you find yourself able to fake your way through your life. a fake smile plastered on your face and the answer, "fine" when asked how you are. when you numb yourself so completely to the pain, you feel nothing, not even the good feelings. 

“I was enveloped in numbness, and absence of feeling so deep the bottom was lost from view.” 
― Haruki Murakami

when you allow the numbness to take over, you can no longer see how far there is to fall. the bottom has fallen out from under you and you feel nothing. numbing yourself prevents you from being able to see the world realistically. you see only what you want to see. 

“Once I was free; there was no cage that could bind me, and I had yet to create my box of numbness within my mind to be my silent protector.” 
― J.D. Stroube

numbness is used for protection. to protect your mind from reliving pain, from experiencing sadness, from thinking about loss. but the numbness, whether through food or drugs or alcohol or gambling or sleep ... the numbness prevents you from feeling the good things in life. prevents you from seeing the beauty in a sunflower, the wonder in a baby's smile, the amazement of a sunset, the warmth of a hug. 

numbing is a form of addiction. or what i like to call CRBDAC (Continued repetition of Behaviours Despite Adverse Consequences - Nosy Nora).

Addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease affecting the brain’s reward, motivation, and related systems. People struggling with addiction are unable to control their actions or make rational decisions about their behaviour, even in the face of negative consequences.
http://www.albertafamilywellness.org/brain-development-addiction/different-kinds-addiction

finding a way to work through the numbness, to allow in the feelings, means overcoming addiction and you may need to seek support to do this effectively. 

being numb may feel good in the moment, in the short-term. but over time numbness takes over and becomes a natural way of being. but the truth is, there is nothing natural about being numb to the wonderous world in which we live. 

finding ways to numb yourself becomes habitual and can feel good. interesting ... the lack of feeling can feel good. but it is not a real feeling of goodness. it is false. 

if you are finding that you are numbing ... please seek support. feel free to email me and i will try to help you find support in your area. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

my brain

being inside my brain these days would be like standing in a hailstorm ... or trying to outrun a tornado. my brain is constantly going; worrying, thinking, singing songs, repeating sentences, worrying some more. 

i wanted to explain the way i think about my brain. 

i feel it in layers. 

Jung believed:

" [...]  that the mind could be divided into unconscious and conscious parts. He felt that the unconscious mind was made up of layers. The personal unconscious is the part of the unconscious mind in which is stored each person's unique personal experiences and memories that may not be consciously remembered. Jung believed that the contents of each person's personal unconscious are organized in terms of complexes - clusters of emotional unconscious thoughts. One may have a complex towards their mother or towards their partner. Jung referred to the second layer of unconsciousness as the collective unconscious. This level contains memories and behavioural predisposition's that all people have inherited from common ancestors in the distant human past, providing us with essentially shared memories and tendencies. People across space and time tend to interpret and use experience in similar ways because of "archetypes" - universal, inherited human tendencies to perceive and act in certain ways. During analytic therapy, Jung may use certain archetypes to explain a persons unconscious thoughts that in turn affect their outward behaviour." 

 http://www.psychologycampus.com/analytical-psychology.html

but that isn't what i mean. i mean that my mind is in layers of thought, thinking at the same time, making my head loud and crowded at all times. 

at the back are the worrying thoughts that are always there. in the background. the next layer takes in what i see and hear and touch and smell and taste. then there is the next layer where music lives. lyrics and melodies running in a loop in the background. then there is the layer that thinks about what i am doing as i am doing it. and then the front layer which thinks the sentences that i am going to say aloud. sometimes in a loop. like, i will think the sentence "we need milk." and i will think that sentence over and over again in a loop until i say it aloud. other times i just think the sentence once before i say it. 

all that goes on at the same time. it's crowded in my head. making my head quiet is nearly impossible. the only time my head is quiet is in the early hours of the morning when i am half asleep and half awake. it's why i like sleeping in. sleeping in gives me time for my head to be quiet. 


does anyone else think the way i do? does anyone else have a busy head? or am i totally crazy?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

keeping myself small

"why do we feel that we have to have small bodies to have big lives? what feels good about feeling bad? and where do we turn for nourishment when it's not in the places we thought it would be?" - Geneen Roth

i have kept myself small for many years. large in physique and small in my life. i have diminished my accomplishments so as not to make other people feel bad. i worry about how my accomplishments will make other people feel, so i diminish my achievements thinking that will make other people feel good. 

my parents had their problems; both in their relationship and in their own lives. and i learned that by being small, i could blend into the background. i didn't share my report cards. i didn't share my writing. i kept it all to myself. keeping my life small and meaningless. keeping myself from being the centre of attention. 

"we believe we are not enough, we also believe that if we had more or were different, we would feel nourished." - Geneen Roth

i have spent my small life believing that i am not enough, that i don't do enough, that i don't have enough. believing that if only i were thin, if only i were smart, if only i were ______ i would feel nourished and fulfilled. not knowing that what i need to be nourished has been right here inside of me all along. 

for years i turned to my addictions: food and pills. using both to try to fill the empty spaces inside of me. 

"what did i want that i could never have, which made me feel like an endless pit of need?" - Geneen Roth

what did i want? i wanted to fit in with the other kids. i wanted to feel part of a group. i wanted to feel belonging and connection. instead, i felt like "an endless pit of need." and i tried to fill that pit with food. 

but you cannot fill an endless pit. 

"when you hide [eating] you give yourself the message that who you are is not acceptable, and that you must pretend to be someone else to be loved." - Geneen Roth

i spend way too much of my life hiding my eating. i would sneak to the store, buy a chocolate bar, and eat it as fast as i could. when i was 9. 

and i continued to hide my eating well into my 30s. in public, eating "healthy" foods, in private consuming vast quantities of "unhealthy" foods. making myself bigger to keep my life small. 

"when you sneak food, you perpetuate the belief that you are too ugly, too needy, too intense to be seen and loved for who you are. the same is true when you sneak feelings." - Geneen Roth

sneaking food and sneaking feelings are one and the same in my life. afraid to tell people how i feel. afraid to show people what i eat. afraid to live a big and full life. afraid to show people who i really am. 

"there is no such thing as enough because we believe that our very being is not enough. [...] to have enough, we have to believe that we are enough." - Geneen Roth

believing that i am enough is the most difficult affirmation i have ever tried to tell myself. that and a line from an article by nosy nora, "i love and accept myself deeply and completely." ... i have that as the screen saver on my phone and though i see it a zillion times a day, i find it hard to believe. hard to accept as my truth. believing that i am enough means loving myself deeply and completely. believing that i am enough means accepting myself for who i am. believing that i am enough means sharing my feelings, sharing my eating, and letting people know me for who i really am. 

"wanting things that could easily be given, be gotten, rather than wanting what i knew i couldn't have from either of my parents: being seen, being met. being valued for the fullness i already embodied." - Geneen Roth

it was much easier ... is much easier ... to want to be thin, to want new shoes, to want the newest indigo girls album ... than it is to demand to be valued, to be seen, to be heard. it became easier to keep my life small than to accept that i wasn't being seen or heard. it became easier to make my body bigger, to protect myself. 

at 13, i became noticed for my body. and that noticing led to events that i would rather forget. some that i have forgotten. and at 13, i began to make myself small, to blend into the background, to not be noticed. at 13, i learned that to lead a small life meant to have a large body. 

this is all subconscious of course. i never set out to be fat. but i have kept myself fat for many years. keeping myself big as a way to protect myself from living a full life. 

i leave you with this thought ...

"the world will not fall apart if we let ourselves express our vastness. it is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do." - Geneen Roth

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

to be seen

yesterday i had an experience of being seen. and it made me think about the various ways that we hide ourselves. who do we show our selves to? how many different selves do we have? whom do we show to the ones we love?

"i wonder what that means, being loved for who you are. i know it doesn't mean physical appearance - weight, skin, clothes, hair. it means, i think, the qualities that cannot be weighed or measured. the texture of the soul."

being seen and feeling heard are what makes us feel known and loved. but i wonder how much of our true selves we really show, even to those closest to us, and how much we continue to hide for fear of being judged, or disliked. 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” ― Steve Maraboli

i spend a great deal of time judging myself. how would my life be different if i trusted showing myself to the world - allowing myself to be seen? perhaps the people who love me wouldn't judge me. perhaps the people who would judge me aren't worth my time and energy. 

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf

telling myself the truth about myself isn't easy. it's too hard to face the truth when you're busy trying to be someone else. being someone that you're not might be appealing but it is also exhausting. 

i leave you with this thought ...

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo