honest conversations

honest conversations. we all need to have them. we all fear them. they are hard. so how do we go about preparing ourselves to have them?

the first step is deciding on your intentions. what do you want to get out of the conversation? what do you want the other person to get out of it? what do you need? 

check in with yourself to see what you are feeling. understanding your feelings can help you to gather your thoughts and to separate your needs and wants from your feelings. 

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf

ask yourself if you are ready. are you ready to hear what the other person has to say? are you ready for their reactions? 

how much do you plan to tell the other person. you can be honest without sharing every single thing in your brain. sometimes it's better to keep some things to yourself. 

ask yourself what you are assuming the other person is going to say. what do you believe about the other person? what do you believe about how they are going to treat you?

think about your buttons and your triggers. what is going to test your limits? what are you able to tolerate from the other person?

go into the conversation with a positive attitude. if you decide that it is going to go horribly, then it probably will. 

begin the conversation by admitting that you don't know what the other person is thinking and feeling - because you don't. acknowledge what the other person says. this demonstrates that you are listening, and more importantly, that they are being heard. 

How Do I Begin?

• I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.
• I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.
• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
• I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with him.
• I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.
• I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________.
• I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.                             http://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php

difficult conversations are just that: difficult. but they are important and worthwhile. 

Harvard Business Review lists 9 common mistakes we make when having difficult conversations. 

1. we become combative. 
2. we try to make things too simple. 
3. we aren't respectful enough.
4. we lash out, or shut down.
5. we react when we are thwarted (Lying, threatening, stonewalling, crying, sarcasm, shouting, silence, accusing, taking offense)

6. we get hooked by our weak spot.

7. we rehearse a script. we don't 

know how the person will respond. so we can't

 actually practice everything we plan to say. 

8. we make assumptions about the other 

person's intentions.  

9. we lose sight of the goal. 

http://hbr.org/web/slideshows/difficult-conversations-nine-common-mistakes/1-slide


beginning the conversation is probably the most difficult part. after that, it is a matter of staying calm and not combative. 

i have faith in you. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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