infertility

this week was another hard week. one minute i was heartbroken and devastated and the next i was hopeful and looking forward to potential and possibilities. 

this week i did a lot of thinking about infertility. and let me tell you, they weren't happy thoughts ... 

being infertile makes me feel defective. 

broken. 

one thing that sets women apart from men is the ability to bare children. and i can't. 

and i wont. 

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 

― Laura Bush 

infertility hurts. i ache. there is no cure for my infertility and there is no cure for this pain. there are no words for the absence of a child. if i had a child and lost it, then people would know. people would understand that i am grieving. 

this week a student asked me, "why don't you have any kids? aren't you going to be lonely for the rest of your life?" 

stab.

right in the heart.  

we tried. for 2 1/2 years. we tried hormones and pills and injections and daily blood tests at 7am, and intrusive ultrasounds every second day and hundreds and hundreds of dollars. and each time we would hope. we would dream. we would be sure that this was the time that would work. and it never was. the test would always come back negative. i can't count how many test strips i peed on. 

“I found that each time a test was negative, it stopped the dreaming and hoping for a while. Taking the test was a way of puncturing the balloons of hope, because if I didn't, they would lift and lift without any evidence, and their falling back down every month was too painful. Essentially, I took all these tests to keep myself from hoping, because the hoping was breaking my heart.” 
― Shauna Niequist

infertility makes me feel like i wasn't supposed to be born a woman. like everything about me is all wrong. like i am broken inside. the cause of my infertility is too many androgens - too many male hormones. and i have male pattern baldness. what the fuck? how is that fair? i am a woman. i am supposed to have female hormones. i am supposed to have hair on the top of my head. i am supposed to ovulate. i am supposed to have regular periods. 

i am supposed to be able to make a baby. 

and i can't. 

since the beginning of human history, all over the world, a woman's worth has been defined by her uterus and it's productivity. i am supposed to have the CHOICE of whether or not i want to have a baby. i don't have that choice. 

and it kills me. 

“I remember thinking about how mothers were prepared to run into burning buildings to save their children's lives. I thought I should be able to go through a bit more suffering, a bit more inconvenience to give my children life. It made me feel noble. But now I realize I'm a crazy woman running into a burning house for children who don't exist.” 
― Liane Moriarty

eventually we had to stop. stop the craziness that was our lives. stop the roller coaster. stop the hoping and the dreaming. stop the heart ache that came with every negative test. 

and every negative test came with guilt about my body and it's inability to do such a simple thing as ovulate and fertilize and keep a child. something that billions of women across the world do every year. and i couldn't. 

guilt. 

i am trying to take my health into my own hands. to fight against this disease that i have. to take strides to take care of myself. i am trying. and it is hard. and no matter what i do, i have to live with this. i have to live with too many male hormones. i have to live with too much insulin. i have to live with hair loss. i have to live with weight gain and difficulty losing weight. i have to live with not being able to handle eating sugar. i have to live with being infertile. 

... needless to say, this was an emotional week. and i can't believe i made it to friday. but here i am, alive and full of possibilities. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

anxiety

we do not spend enough time talking about mental health issues. 

• we stare at the crazy lady who sits in the park and feeds the birds. 
• we avoid the crazy man who walks down the street talking to himself. 
• we blame the friend who no longer returns our phone calls. 
• we disregard the crazy aunt who no one wants to sit next to at Christmas dinner. 
• we use words like "manic" "bipolar" "depression" and "schyzo" as insults or jokes.

i have reached a point in my life where it is time to give voice publicly to the ways in which fear and anxiety can be paralyzing.

anxiety is the pesky voice inside your head that tells you to stay under the blanket on the couch when the sun is shining and it's the first truly beautiful and warm day in spring. anxiety is the need to focus on one thing, like a video game, to calm the jumble of thoughts in your head ... it's the overwhelmed feeling of being alone and yet smothered when in a group of people, even people whose company you enjoy very much ... it is the racing heart that feels as though it will beat out of your chest ... the tightening of your chest making it difficult to breathe ... the feeling of being crushed ... the desire to go back to sleep ... it is laying awake at night worrying about whether or not your best friend hates you for something you said (that turns out she doesn't even remember) ... it is worrying that when you walk the dog around the corner, you need to stay in the sight-lines of multiple possible rescuers for when you get attacked ...  the worrisome thought that plays over and over in your head:

"is she mad at me?"
"did i do it right?"
"what if ..." 

but we  don't talk about these feelings.

we hide them in shame.

we blame them on illness, or exhaustion, or double-booked plans, or too much work.

we don't say, "i can't come out tonight because i am feeling like facing a crowd will crush my chest" ...

... so it is time to stop hiding. stop making excuses. to be honest.

                         i am both okay 
                                     and 
                  not okay at the same time. 


my anxiety has prevented me from enjoying my life to the fullest. my anxiety has prevented me from experiencing what the world has to offer.

in grade 5, my class went to the science centre and participated in a gifted program testing the speed in which tubes of various weights rolled down a ramp. we had to time each tube and then graph our results. i kept spelling tube "T-O-O-B" and could not make my graph look like the other students. i was in tears as panic set in. it was the end of the world that i was unable to spell correctly or to graph my results correctly. 

in middle school, i was severely bullied. and i told no one. i was scared that no one would believe me, or that it would get worse, or that there was no where else to do, and so i suffered in silence for 2 years, suffered through the names, and the taunting, and the writing on my locker; it felt safer to stay with the evil that i knew rather than moving to a new school that could in fact be worse. 

i got myself to new york city when i was 21. on the bus ride there, i was sure that someone was going to attack me. once there, i hid in my cousin's apartment for a week and only went out for a walk the day before i was to go home. 

when i was 23, i moved to halifax. a friend lent me her apartment while she was away. the first thing i did when i arrived was to take a taxi the store to buy a TV. and i spent the week, hidden in her bedroom watching TV, terrified to step outside the front door. with the company of my soon-to-be-roommate, i learned the bus and ferry routes that would get me to:

- the mall- school- the cafe  - the grocery store

and the rest of the time, i stayed at home in my small apartment, with no furniture, using an inflatable mattress as a bed and cardboard boxes to hold my books, watching TV on 3 channels with no cable; scared that i would get lost, scared that something bad would happen to me. just scared. 

when faced with a challenge, i panic. i pace. i cry. i freeze up.

and yet, i find bravery in the small details.

when faced with an invitation to meet a friend, i have to weigh my fears against the possibility of having a good time. i begin to ask myself:

- where will i park?
- will there be parking?
- how much will parking cost?
- should i take the subway?
- if i take the subway, will i know which direction to turn when i exit the station?
- will i find where i am going?
- will my friend really be waiting for me?
- is it the right day? the right time?
- how long will it take to drive there?
- what will happen if i get lost?
- what if there is construction and i have to take a detour?
- what if i am late and the person i am meeting gets mad at me?
- what if they stop being my friend?

and as these questions are swirling around in my mind, becoming a jumble of phrases, whatifs, and impossible scenarios, panic begins to set in; my heart races, the lump in my throat sends tears to my eyes, and i start to think of all the reasons why i should stay home and what excuse i could make up. trying to quiet the thoughts, to calm the fear, to face the questions ... it has become a full-time job.

these questions must seem ridiculous as you read them. with the invention of the GPS and the Green P Parking app, why would i need to worry? just drive, if you get lost, you can find your way back. if there is a detour, you can go around it. if you are late, you can be forgiven. if you have the wrong day, or time, you can reconnect with a simple text, phone call, or email.

but they are  not  ridiculous. they are real to me. they cloud my mind and prevent me from doing the most simple things.

this summer i am going to face my biggest fears. i am going to get on an airplane and travel across an ocean. i am going to stay in hotels in countries i have never been to where i do not speak the language. i am going to wander through cities with a paper map and have to stop to ask for directions or rely on DP to be the one to find our way.

i am, in many ways, lucky. DP provides me with unwavering love and strength. despite what she goes through herself, she is there to point me in the right direction both literally and figuratively. she lets me ask the questions. she lets me go through the list of whatifs and then guides me through to the other side of the tunnel.

this summer i am going to see things that i have never seen before, face challenges that i have never faced before, i am going to walk through an underground labyrinth, i am going to see buildings built in the year 1200, i am going to see medieval castles, and it will be scary and i am going to embrace my worries with love and work to respect myself and my process. because i am not broken.

if you are feeling like your anxiety, or your worries, are taking over your life, please seek support. Here are some resources that you can turn to. Click on the following links to find information that may help you find the support that you need:

Mayo clinic

Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada

Help Guide

Anxiety BC

Generalized Anxiety Screening Test

National Institute of Mental Health

US National Library of Medicine

.......

ps

my heart feels like a caged bird trying to burst from my chest as my finger hovers over the "publish" button for this post ... and yet, it is with great freedom that i choose to share my story because silence leaves you lonely and alone.

XOXO

when a song moves you .........

today as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs really touched me ... i was moved to become very introspective.

we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, and practicing it in my car for the last five years, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason today it moved me ... for the first time ... it isn't even a song that i like that much!!!

"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth

i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...

"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth

i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.

"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last few months, or the last year really, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.

"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth

There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or how many drugs i take .... i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.

"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the way"
- Dawn Lanstroth

people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could so so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....

"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can be a baby making machine, or so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. on thursday after work, i plan to go and join the local gym. i felt really good about myself when i worked out at 6am before going to school everyday. i felt good about myself, but i also felt good. i had energy to face the day. i am letting go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way, and i am going to go to the gym and refuse to let them weigh and measure me monthly. i am letting go of my need to indulge in foods because i feel like i need them. i know how i need to eat to feel good. i know how i need to eat to make my body function properly.

"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth

this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2012. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.

and so i am trying to believe.

i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.

i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.

i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.

....

Anne Murray - Let There Be Love [Dawn Langstroth]
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ

Reflecting, Renewing, Rejoicing

pausing to notice ...

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Reflection

A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.William Kingdon Clifford

this is a month of reflection for me. looking back, not just on the last 2 years of ttc, but also looking back at the last 35 years. listening to the voice in my head. sometimes the voice isn't nice. sometimes she is a bully. a mean girl.

i have been trying to listen to the voice in my head and hear what she is saying; it's hard to listen without believing her. it's hard to hear what she is saying without believing her. she can be really mean. she judges me, and my choices, harshly.

but it's important to listen to her in order to hear what she is saying so that i can figure out why she is saying it. where do my messages come from? where did i learn the things that i have learned?

lessons from the voice in my head:

1. never tell anyone when you are hurt. keep it to yourself. 
2. never ask for help. find a way to manipulate the help that you need without coming right out and saying "i need help"
3. if you eat one piece of chocolate, you have ruined everything, so you might as well eat the whole thing. and have a second because really? you messed up.
4. if someone is mad at you, that means they are leaving you and they never want to be your friend again, so smooth it over as quickly as possible. 

Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.   – Ram Dass

Renewal

“Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.” ― Steven Hall, The Raw Shark Texts

it's a month of renewal. i have filled the fridge with fresh, locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables. i look forward to eating the fresh foods not only because of how good they taste, and how big the taste is, but because i know that it is good for me.

it makes my body feel good. it makes me feel good emotionally because it doesn't mess with my blood sugar or my hormone levels. but it also makes me feel good psychologically to know that i am making good choices.

today i bought a $7 loaf of bread.

Photo from Bunner's Website

that's nuts. or so i thought. but as i sat in the big red chair eating a slab of bread, still warm ... i decided i would have paid $14.

the bread is made from a blend of bean flours, which gives it extra fiber and protein. but it also has no dairy, no eggs, and no wheat. amazing. it tastes like a spongy white bread. (click here see the link under the photos to go to the Bunner's website if you live in toronto and want to visit this fantastic bakery)

on my kitchen counter right now there are two treats: a cinnamon bun and a vanilla cupcake - both of which are also made with no wheat, no eggs, and no dairy. vegan and gluten-free. sweetened with agave. i can't even begin to describe my excitement.

Photo from Bunner's Website

getting excited about food again is a wonderful feeling. knowing that the food tastes good, is good for me, and wont make me feel sick or sad or anxious or moody. it's an incredible feeling.

i took the time today to really experience the time at acupuncture. to feel the points the needles were in. to feel how my muscles feel. to feel the tension in my muscles. to try to relax the muscles - to release the tension. it feels like in that hour, i am renewing my energy for the week.

Rejoice

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.Lao Tzu

how do you rejoice when there is so much craziness and despair in the world around you? how do you face each day, knowing what is going on in the world? it isn't easy. i am a person who thinks a lot. a person who wonders. a person who ponders what everyone else in the world is doing. i think about my students. i think about my friends. i think about people in other countries. i think about everyone. so how do i take time to rejoice?

i am working on myself. on rejoicing in the small things in life that make me who i am - that make my life what it is.

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

i savour the taste of the fresh, soft, warm bread. i slowly sip my once a day chai latte instead of gulping it down.

i revel in sitting in the livingroom making crochet flowers while BB unravels the wool for me.

i appreciate long car rides with BB, listening to music, looking at the sights around us, appreciating each other's company.

i am rejoicing in the smell of fresh cut grass, the taste of agave in my tea, the sounds of giggling children at the park. i am rejoicing in being with people who make me feel good, who make me feel worthy and valued and like i can be myself. i am rejoicing in seeing old friends, getting a hug, watching friends finish a giant bottle of wine, making plans to do things i wouldn't normally do -  like drive to strafford to see a show, or drive to barrie to see a half-price movie with my best friend, or sit at the coffee shop ACROSS from starbucks (*wink*).

i am rejoicing in thinking about going back to work. meeting my new students. seeing how the returning students have grown. hearing about their summer vacations. getting back into the routines.

i am rejoicing in knowing that soon i will go back to school shopping: the smell and feel of fresh new pencils, pencil crayons, erasers ....

in the midst of chaos, struggle, and major changes, there is good.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.   – Winston Churchill

through reflection, renewal, and rejoicing, the good in the world shines brightly.

my hope for you, whether you are ttc, or starting a new job, or dealing with the health of your family, my hope for you is that you can find the beauty in the day and focus your energy on the positive.

much love,

xoxo


....

there are angels everywhere ... you just have to open your eyes ...

i have posted before about angels who are helping me through this. i have talked at length about gigi and april and how i talk to them and ask them for guidance and for strength.  


and i have posted before about how my most of my angels are here are earth with me:


@ ARD who says funny things about my infertility like "well, they need to fix that." 


@ DV who texts "yay yay yay!" and listens with patience to my detailed descriptions of levels and ultrasounds and my whining and complaining. 


@ HC and GC who send love love love and have been drivers in the most awkward situations imaginable. 


@ AS who gives us love and hugs and comes for tea when she knows we need a distraction. 


@ GT who listens to ALL OF IT and says "no!" at all the right parts and covers for me every time i have an early ultrasound or get caught in traffic after blood work.


 and of course, the most important, 


@ BB, who rubs my belly and talks to my ovaries and lets me cry and tells me it will be okay and reminds me of what this is all for. 


but this week i met a new angel. VS. she was my dance teacher for all 5 years of high school. i went to a show on thursday night and VS was there. we said hello and hugged. and then she said something that i have been replaying over and over in my head. she said:

"i can feel something big is going to happen for you. i can feel it standing right here with you. i want you to open yourself to the universe. be open to creation. focus on being open and then just sit back and watch. don't stress. don't think about it. just watch what you will create." 

drawing borrowed from this website

i have decided that the angels are everywhere: 

@ Bernice who stabs me for blood, but who always makes me laugh and who tells me an abridged version of the clinic gossip (i hope she wins at BINGO soon). 

@ Anna, the nurse, who listens to the doctor and makes faces behind his back when he is babbling about yak urine and yams. 

@ the pharmacist who prepares my prescription each month and makes sure that nothing i am taking will interfere with fertility. 

@ MHD-Z who reads my emails and tells me everything will be alright. who told me to give my body a break and that the 74 day cycle was due to hormonal imbalance from all the drugs in the fall. 

@ CR who asked the most inappropriate questions after only having spoken to her once before, but who made me realize that even though we have been "trying to conceive" for a year and a half, we have actually only had 2 IUIs which in the grand scheme of things is not very long at all. it's about average to take 3-6 tries. 

@ Pokey Sue, who sticks seventy-three needles in me twice a week and balances my chi and got rid of my cysts. 

(april at a picnic at the zoo with a friend's baby. 

she would be made a wonderful mama)

There are angels everywhere. 

you just have to open your eyes. 

xoxo

.......