loss

“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.” ― Alyson Noel

i want to write about loss. i want to write about the feelings of abandonment that come with loss. i want to write about how it feels to lose someone you love. but it is hard to find the words. 

i named this blog after 2 dear friends who died. april, who died in a fire 16 years ago, and gigi who died of viral myocarditis 18 years ago ( http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/ ). both of these women were 18 when they died. both of these women had a huge impact on my life. 

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?” ― Jeanette Winterson

get over it. you can't get over loss. you can't get over a person who you loved. because you loved them. and love endures, and love lives in you, and love holds on to you. my first girlfriend told me, "love it's like a tap that you can turn on and off." so there is no such thing as "getting over" loss. you can become stronger. it can hurt less and less. and it becomes a part of you. 

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ― Edna St. Vincent Millay

missing someone who is gone hurts. it is the kind of hurt that can't be seen. the kind of hurt that there are no words for. the kind of hurt that lingers quietly inside you, shrieking silently. 

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” 

― John Irving

i don't remember gigi's voice anymore. i don't remember her laugh. what i do remember is how she made me feel. that is what stays. the love stays. the feeling that i mattered. that i was important. that i was worthy and deserving of her friendship. those feelings don't disappear. 

“You never knew the last time you were seeing someone. You didn't know when the last argument happened, or the last time you had sex, or the last time you looked into their eyes and thanked God they were in your life.

After they were gone?

That was all you thought about.

Day and night.” 

― J.R. Ward

the last thing that april said to me was, "i have so much to tell you ..." she was wearing purple overalls and was bouncing around the parking lot at the walmart, about to get a ride home from a woman she had a big crush on. a woman who used to be her teacher. april was thrilled to be getting a ride from A, and had news to share with me about her life ... i never got to hear the news. i never found out what the "so much" was that she wanted to tell me. 

the week before, she had shown up at my house wearing a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. she had taken the bus to my house wearing nothing but a yellow sarong. seriously. NOTHING. not even shoes. we lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling and talking about life, and love, and making plans. 

the last thing i said to gigi was "i'll talk to you tomorrow." she was headed to a new years eve party and wanted me to go with her. but i didn't want to. so she went to the party alone and she died there. i can't explain to you the guilt that comes with not having gone to that party with her. even though she would have died anyway. there was nothing i could have done. but i could have been there with her. 

“Oh, sometimes I think it is of no use to make friends. They only go out of your life after awhile and leave a hurt that is worse than the emptiness before they came.” ― L.M. Montgomery

loss hurts. loss is an ache. loss has no words. and yet, i try repeatedly to find the words to express the feelings of losing someone. 

tomorrow i am being given a file folder with letters from gigi that i had locked in a safety deposit box. i don't remember what is in the box. but i will be getting a piece of her back. i will be getting words. 



be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

feedback and self-talk

one of my loyal readers responded to my post on worry gremlins ( http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/worry-gremlins.html ) by sharing this video. i thought i would pass it along to you. 

it is only 7 minutes and has me singing "you're such a loser" to the tune of "happy" ....

strategies for dealing with your inner critic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiVEfkUIuMI&autoplay=1&app=desktop

grumblins

“There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.” 

― Terry Pratchett

i like to make up words, and to use made up words. for example, "grosh" means grumpy and irritable. "skress" is when you are frustrated and stressed out. "frazzle razzle dazzle" is my way of swearing around little ears. 

and then there is the grumblins. 

grumblins are when you hold on to things from the past that are long past time to let go of. 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

i am thinking about my grumblins today because a political figure, whom i plan to vote for, was my first bully. i was 5. he was 7. but it's hard to let go of that. 

i still remember the mean things that he did to me when i was 5. i remember the teasing when i was 9. and yet, he is an excellent politician who has made a difference in our community ... but every time i see his face on a poster or a lawn sign, i think about the time he asked me to rate the breasts of all the girls in the school (it was a teeny tiny school). 

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

so what purpose does it serve to hang on so tightly to my grumblins? why do i remember every tiny injustice done to me? like when B&M stole my stickers when i was 8? or when J pinched me under the table with his toes when i was 6? or when A said "you know you have to dance at this rehearsal right?" when i was 14. 

the grumblins often weigh me down. 

so i turn to you ... what's your advice on how to get rid of the grumblins? what's your advice on how to choose what to hold onto and what is a balloon that needs to be let go of?

i eagerly await your responses. and if you are reading this by email, feel free to visit the website and leave your comment there. www.aprilgigiangels.blogspot.com

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

apple cover

last night i crocheted a cover for my apple. 

yes, you read that correctly: a cover for my apple. 

i hate when i carry my apple in my bag and it gets bruised, or punctured. so i made a protective sleeve, a buffer, to protect my apple from the bumps and bruises that happen in a day in my bag. 

we all need a buffer. we all need a layer of protection between us and the bumps and bruises of life. for years, i found ways to protect myself by numbing myself from feelings and by keeping things inside. 

CP said that a protective layer is harmful. she said: "i have a little infant who is growing into a toddler. there is no protection from bumps and bruises. they just happen, have to happen. they let him know what he can do. what he is capable of. they are reminders that we are human, mortal, imperfect."

her friend said: "a layer may protect from the pain, but then we might miss the positive things along the way."

this is not the same as the protective layer that i am talking about. self-medication, numbing, alcohol, drugs .... are ways of being isolated and alone. i am talking about a healthy layer that protects you from the hurts. 

so what are some healthy ways to protect yourself?

nosy nora says, "listen and let go" rather than holding other people's issues. that's hard to do when you are someone who wants so badly to help everyone and make everything okay. but it is important to hold your own stuff, to listen to others, and let their stuff go. 

this layer is called a boundary. 

healthy boundaries come from a place of love; love for yourself and love for others. 

state your limits. say what they are. and stick to them. saying "no" can be such a difficult thing to do. but it's okay to say no. it's also okay not to answer. my mom taught me that just because someone is knocking at the front door, doesn't mean you have to answer it - even if they can see you through the window. don't go into a long explanation. don't apologize. state your boundary clearly, respectfully, calmly, and firmly. 

listen to your cues. pay attention when you are feeling discomfort, or resentment. and then revisit your boundaries. are you feeling taken advantage of? are you pushing yourself too hard because you feel guilty? are you doing more than you are able?

give yourself permission to have a layer of protection that prevents you from being in an unhealthy relationship. give yourself permission to respect yourself and your limits. give yourself permission to do what YOU need to do. 

you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. you are responsible for your own feelings. if you can't attend a meeting, or go to a movie with a friend, or be in charge of the bake sale, you do not need to worry about how other people will feel about you saying no. 

if you set a boundary with a friend, and their feelings get hurt (and you were respectful and kind), then that person is not a good friend. good friends respect each other's boundaries and limits. 

self-care needs to be a priority. this comes from the belief that you are important and worth it. it might be taking time off, taking time out, or taking the time to be in. meditation, a sick day, or a vacation are all forms of self-care. having a cup of tea, sitting in a cafe, writing, reading, playing music, listening to music, watching your favourite tv show, baking, painting, getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water ... these are all things that you can do for yourself to take care of YOU. 

be aware that boundaries will be tested. the protective layer around my apple will be stretched, just as your layer will be stretched. people who are used to taking advantage of you, or abusing you, will not be used to the boundaries. and these people will test you to see if they can get past that protective layer. 

i carried my apple in it's little crocheted apple holder today. and it came out whole and unbruised. 

bruises and bumps are part of life. they teach us our limits. and at the same time, we can protect ourselves by being patient with ourselves and allowing ourselves to set boundaries. 

how do you protect yourself? how do you communicate your limits and your boundaries? 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

worry gremlins

brene brown wrote about shame as a gremlin ... you feed it and it grows stronger and meaner ...

well i want to write about the worry gremlins. 

the worry gremlins whisper to me throughout the day, and if i don't acknowledge them, they get louder and louder until i give in and feed them. the more i worry, the stronger the gremlins become. they say things like "you're going to miss the bus" or "the car is going to explode while you're driving" or "your teeth are going to fall out of your head." okay, that last one is what my dad used to say if i didn't want to brush my teeth. but i think some of the worry gremlins are actually my parents' voices in my head. 

i am like a sponge and the worry is water. the more i worry, the more i soak in more worries. it is never ending. 

today's worry is about my car. cars are a big worry for me. i had to take my car in for repairs and i have a rental car. so of course, the worry gremlins are nattering on in my head. 

"you're going to bump into something when you park it. you don't know it's size. it has no back-up camera. it has no beeping sound to tell you you're going to hit something."

"the car has no gps so you're going to get lost. at least once."

"you wont recognize the car when you park it and you wont be able to find it and you'll wander around the parking lot for an hour, crying and wishing you had your own car back so that you don't look so stupid searching for a car."

"you're going to park it too close to another car and then it will get dented. and then you will have to pay for that damage too."

the gremlins are winning at this point. 

captain stressy pants suggests there are 3 options to responding to the worry gremlins. 

1. "it's cool, worry gremlins, i got this."
2. "fuck off!"
3. ignore them

i like all 3 ideas. the problem is that when i am under attack from the worry gremlins, it's hard to turn off their voices and get out from under the siege. 

it's time to speak up for myself, even against my own voice in my head. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

harmony

this weekend i participated in an LGBTQ choral music festival that happens once every 4 years in different parts of canada. this year there were 19 choirs participating. between the parties, the lack of sleep, the lack of time to eat proper food, the rehearsals, the ironing of shirts ... there came a moment as i was listening to a choir sing that i thought about what it meant to have the "luxury" to sit in a room full of LGBTQ people who share a love of music - a love of singing together in harmony. 

i wanted to share with you what it means to sing in an LGBTQ choir. it is an experience like no other. here is a quote from the 20th anniversary of my choir ... 

The world was a different place twenty years ago. Basic gay rights in Ontario had only been passed through provincial parliament in 1986. AIDS had killed thousands, with no good treatment in sight. Coming out could still shock people. Standing on stage and singing as a gay and lesbian choir was an act of defiance, and an opportunity to put a very different face on the community than that seen on the news.Through twenty years of change, Singing Out has been there, protesting, entertaining, celebrating, educating, and changing hearts through music. We’ve shown how very different kinds of people can work together to make something wonderful happen, starting by learning to manage a little harmony. 

http://www.singingout.com/20th-anniversary/

harmony ... the interlocking of different parts into a singular whole. the harmony of music. the harmony of ideas. the harmony of a group.


“It is a powerful and amazing force with all these voices working towards one purpose and one song.”

singing with a queer choir is a special kind of experience. although it is not me singular identity, being a lesbian means something to me. and to sing with a group of people who "get it" is really important to me. to share my voice with the voices of others who have similar narratives is a way of making harmony. 

“It was a completely different way of fighting the culture war, by reaching out rather than striking back. And it was a place I knew I could make a difference.”

our choir chooses songs that have a message. we fight against homophobia, and against oppression by joining our voices together in song. we sing against injustice. we don't hide who we are, we stand proud and strong. 

“The most challenging moment as a member of the choir came when, in my first year, I had to sing a song entitled: “I Like Being A Dyke.” I could hardly say the word “dyke” in conversation! To sing it proudly and become comfortable with the word was a definite challenge!”

i am lucky. i shouldn't have to define myself as lucky. but i do. i came out at 17 and was fully supported by my friends and teachers. my family accepted my identity as normal. and i married a woman whose family accepts and loves us for who we are, not for who we love. 

it is easy for me to stand on a stage surrounded by queers and identify myself as one. it is easy for me to sing songs with queer content. 

the rest of the world ... the rest of the country ... the rest of this city ... the rest of the choir have not been so "lucky" in that they have faced fear, discrimination, and sometimes violence. i shouldn't have to call myself "lucky" ... my story should be the norm. we should all EXPECT that we are accepted, loved, and treated with dignity and respect. 

“I have made so many amazing friends in choir, and I love to see them each week. I know that no matter how I am feeling when I walk through the door of rehearsal, I will always leave feeling uplifted and inspired.”

the choir is an extended family. a chosen family. people that we love. people who support us. who are there for us. including the annoying aunt who won't stop talking, the creepy uncle, the opinionated cousins. being in a choir means having a place to go every week where i am accepted for who i am, and as i am. it means having a place to go every week where our voices meet in harmony. 


i hope that your life is full of harmony, in whatever way that means for you. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fierce love

i saw this post by geneen roth today and thought about myself, about my metamorphosis. i think that i have come out of my cocoon a butterfly. my wings are still wet, so i can't fly. but i will get there. 

my struggle with food and eating is the moisture on my wings. 

"a fierce kind of love for yourself." 

to love myself fiercely. 

to believe that it is possible to change. to become a butterfly. to believe that i could be at peace with food and with eating. to believe that i could be at peace. 

love yourself fiercely, 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

pressure

“Crying relieves pressure on soul.” 

― Toba Beta

sometimes i feel like the world is crushing me. 

“I don't know where this pressure came from. I can't blame my parents because it has always felt internal. Like any other parent, my mother celebrated the A grades and the less-than-A grades she felt there was no need to tell anybody about. But not acknowledging the effort that ended in a less than perfect result impacted me as a child. If I didn't win, then we wouldn't tell anyone that I had even competed to save us the embarrassment of acknowledging that someone else was better. Keeping the secret made me think that losing was something to be ashamed of, and that unless I was sure I was going to be the champion there was no point in trying. And there was certainly no point to just having fun.” ― Portia de Rossi

sometimes the pressure gets to be too much and i find unhealthy ways to relieve the pressure. 

“Pressure makes diamonds” 

― George S. Patton Jr.

so i am working on a list of healthy ways to relieve the crushing feeling. here is what i have so far:

1. go for a walk
2. play the piano
3. play the guitar
4. listen to music
5. write this blog
6. write a story
7. talk to a friend
8. crochet
9. draw
10. write in my journal
11. make something out of clay
12. do beading
13. make jewelry 
14. find a new recipe and try it out
15. go to a cafe
16. hugging the dog (says captain stressy pants)
17. walking the dog
18. crying
19. read
20. watch a favourite movie

“Relief is a great feeling.
It’s the emotional and physical reward we receive from our bodies upon alleviation of pain, pressure and struggle. A time to bask in the lack of the negative.
And yet, think about it—relief is really the status quo, a negation of the suffering, anothing in itself. It is the way things were before the pressure and struggle began.
So, is it a step back? A regression?
Or is it an opportunity to regroup, start over, and move in a different direction?
Use your moment of relief well.”
― Vera Nazarian

what would you add to the list?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

the rules

having an eating disorder involves having rules around food and eating. often the rules are complex and to the outside world ridiculous or nonsensical. 

****NOTE: the rules only apply to me. I don't pay attention to what other people eat or how other people eat. 

here are my rules:

1. never eat crunchy food in front of other people. it makes too much noise and draws attention to the fact that i am eating. 

2. never eat messy food in front of other people. messy food is anything that gets on your hands, teeth, or lips. no powdered sugar, no jam, no creamy sauces, nothing sticky, nothing that could get on your hands. 

3. chicken wings are a non-negotiable item. they must never be eaten. meat on a bone is a mostly never item. but chicken wings, especially with sauce, are never ever ever ever allowed. 

4. salad must be consumed without dressing. dressing is a sauce. sauce is messy. messy means drawing attention to my eating. 

5. fruit and vegetables are acceptable items to eat in public. it's better if they are cut into smaller pieces rather than just eating them whole. but whole is acceptable in certain circumstances or when cutting them is not an option. 

6. doughnuts ... doughnuts are a no-no in public. however, if the rule is broken and i am to eat one, there are certain rules applied to said doughnut. first, it must be fairly plain. no powder, no filling. second, if it has icing on top, then i must tear a small piece off the bottom and put it on top of the icing and then tear that piece off making a little sandwich. i can then eat that bite-sized piece. third, all donuts and other pastries must be plain and eaten in bite-sized pieces. 

7. sandwiches are to be eaten by tearing off small pieces, like the above description of the doughnut. biting into a sandwich is entirely unacceptable. 

8. soup? don't even think about it. i might slurp, thus drawing attention to my eating. or it could drip on my chin. no way i am taking that kind of a chance in public. 

9. there are sometimes exceptions to these rules when faced with public settings. however, it is completely uncomfortable to be in these settings and i am aware of every bite. 

10. nothing brown because it can get on my teeth and people will see it and then they will know i was eating. attention drawn = bad.

11. if given a choice, i would always eat alone in private. but eating is such a social experience that i force myself to eat with other people despite my discomfort. 

and now you know how completely insane i am. welcome to my world of food and eating rules. 

do you have rules? what are they?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

performing

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” 

― Twyla Tharp

this weekend marked the culminating performance of many months of preparation. i love the preparation and i usually am bored during the performance. i have been performing on stage since i was 3 years old ... but there was something different this time. something alive in me. 

“Find your authentic voice, become vulnerable, and then put yourself out there.” ― Meredith Brooks

i have written before about putting yourself out there. about being vulnerable. i have been working hard on being vulnerable these last few months. and i think that had something to do with the difference in the feeling of performing. it's like ... i let go and let myself have fun on the stage. 

“I know something about performing. I know that when it seems like the avalanche is about to roll over you, you face into it and keep both arms swimming as hard as you can. You smile and you sell it.” ― Jillian Lauren

smiling and selling it are what i was trained to do at the school of the arts. but this time, the smile was genuine. i think it had to do with the feedback i was receiving from the smiles of the audience. 

“When you step from the wings onto the stage you go from total blackness to a blinding hot glare. After a moment you adjust, but there is that moment. like being inside lightning.”
― Meg Howrey

there is this moment when you step onto the stage and you see the audience before you. this moment of anticipation. i think it's even better than the actual performing. it's this moment where they don't know what's coming and for a moment, neither do you. you forget who you are, and what you are about to do. for a moment it is just you and the audience and the lights and the world disappears. 

“To perform you need practice, to practice you need passion.” ― Amit Kalantri

my passions are singing and writing. the 2 things that are like breath for me. and standing on stage this weekend, especially for my solo, was a way to share my passion with an appreciative audience.

i hope that you are able to find your passion and act upon it. i hope that you do one thing each day that makes your heart sing. 

be kind to yourself,  

“An applause is not just the recognition of good performance, but its proof of being different than the crowd.” ― Amit Kalantri