FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMM

tonight i am processing my session with Nosy Nora. (my therapist. see post from January 12, 2014 to learn more about that)

*** NOTE: i will not, i repeat NOT be coming home and blogging about my therapy sessions on a regular basis. at least, not about the details. therapy is incredibly personal and vulnerable and intimate. it also isn't transferable through conversations or writing. this is an extremely unique situation. and i wont be sharing the specifics about what took place within the office.

today i brought a bag with me. a bag of weight loss and diet books. books that represent every failed attempt to CONTROL my eating. books that represent how the more i try to CONTROL the more powerless i feel. the more people try to help me, the more i feel controlled by someone else. 

it was a big bag of books. honestly. so many years of trying different diets and failing. 

why? 

because diets don't work. they just don't. we live in a world where food and emotion are inexorably tied together. and the idea that you can just CONTROL the amount of food you eat .... well that's just plain silly! 

if diets worked ... if diets truly were effective ... then we wouldn't have a multibillion dollar diet industry. if diets worked, then the diet industry would be out of business! 

i have been reading every word written by Geneen Roth.  and I highly recommend her life-changing books.

 (click here for her website and her books) i mention her because the ideas i am talking about come from her. 

i will never diet again. ever. 

many people weren't initially fans of this new plan of mine. but they aren't in this body. and they aren't in my head. and my head and my body are both a mess ... so it is time to try something totally different ...

imagine, if you will, all the rules that have been placed on me because of PCOS (click here for PCOS info on an empowering website) and because of fertility (see blog posts from the last few years). 

no sugar, no white flour, no rice, no juice, and only 2 fruits a day. 

now imagine that it's christmas and i am given some chocolate. and i'm given permission (from myself) to eat the christmas chocolate. 

one piece. 

Ya right. 

forbidden glorious chocolate. so I eat the one piece. and then another. and then another. and as the euphoria of the sweet melting chocolate hits, i am overcome by the fact that i can't eat chocolate. that it isn't allowed. so i eat every goddamn piece of chocolate that i was given. and then i seek out more. and i eat and eat and eat that chocolate because i won't be able to eat it again the next day because it is forbidden and because i am on a diet. 

then I bask in the temporary sugar high from eating all that chocolate .... for a few glorious moments life is just right ... 

then it hits me what i have done. i have eaten chocolate. i have consumed sugar. i have broken all the rules. i have fucked up. now I'll always be fat. i'll never be thin. and worst of all, i'll NEVER get pregnant. 

and why? 

because i ate chocolate. 

then the pain begins ... a stabbing in my shoulder blade ... and it slowly spreads to my rib cage ... then it feels like there is a vice grip crushing me. and the crushing gets tighter and tighter ... and there is nothing left to do except to make myself throw up. 

yes, blog audience, and dear friends, i make myself throw up. a lot. regularly. especially when i start to panic that i have fucked up my entire life by eating chocolate (or chips, or fries, or cake, or candy, or pizza)

.........

rewind ...

... let's imagine a different christmas. same me. same scenario. i have been given chocolate as a gift. only in THIS scenario there are no rules. there are compassionate and intuitive guidelines. specifically, eat what i want, WHATEVER my body WANTS, when i am hungry and then stop eating when i am satisfied. 

hang on, stop right there. TIME OUT!!!

trust myself? trust my body? you have GOT to be kidding me!!! 

(go read Roth's books or her blog or her website and all will become clear ... and in the meanwhile ...)

imagine me sitting there with a pile of chocolate in my stocking. and it's christmas. so i eat a piece of chocolate. and i am satisfied. and i put the rest away. why? because i have permission to listen to my body. because the chocolate will still be there later if i want it. because I AM IN CHARGE OF WHAT I EAT AND NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CAN'T EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so back to Nosy Nora and the giant bag of diet books ...

... today i brought in those books and she joined me in tearing them to pieces. 

i thought that it would feel different. i thought that DESTROYING those books and what they represent for me would feel freeing and be a relief and it wasn't ... Nosy Nora suggested that perhaps that feeling would come later. 

so SC and i decided to go out for dinner (thanks for the gift card ARD, love you!!)  and you know what? i ordered what i wanted, 

and i only ate the amount that i wanted.

and then, if you please, we ordered dessert. which i also didn't feel the need to finish. 

when we got home, SC and i went to the recycling bin and i threw out those ripped to shreds books ...

and then i looked at the bag, in the bin, with the rest of the useless thrown-out TRASH GARBAGE DISGUSTING UNNECESSARY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT was when the relief came. THAT was when i felt free. (okay, okay, Nosy Nora, so you were right. again.)

sometimes in order to make change in our lives, we need a grand gesture: something to visually or physically represent what is going on emotionally. 

i needed to DESTROY the representations of my lack of control - not my lack of self-control, but my feeling of not being ALLOWED to make my own choices. because i WANT to be healthy, i WANT to feel good in my body, and goddammit, i WANT to get pregnant. 

but none of those things are going to happen if i am not the one running the show. 

I AM AN ADULT. I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING GOOD DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND IF I WANT TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE, I AM GOING TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ... rant is over ...

... in case you're curious, tomorrow's lunch is a giant salad made with organic veggies, chicken, and apple. NOT because i feel like i am supposed to, but because as delicious as the french fries were tonight, my body is TELLING me that i would like to eat veggies. and i can LISTEN to my body because the next time my body says it wants french fries, i can make the choice about whether or not i want to eat them. 

THAT is what it feels like to be free. 

THAT is what it feels like to breathe. 

THIS is what it feels like to be free. 

THIS is what it feels like to breathe. 

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

xoxo

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