infertility

this week was another hard week. one minute i was heartbroken and devastated and the next i was hopeful and looking forward to potential and possibilities. 

this week i did a lot of thinking about infertility. and let me tell you, they weren't happy thoughts ... 

being infertile makes me feel defective. 

broken. 

one thing that sets women apart from men is the ability to bare children. and i can't. 

and i wont. 

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 

― Laura Bush 

infertility hurts. i ache. there is no cure for my infertility and there is no cure for this pain. there are no words for the absence of a child. if i had a child and lost it, then people would know. people would understand that i am grieving. 

this week a student asked me, "why don't you have any kids? aren't you going to be lonely for the rest of your life?" 

stab.

right in the heart.  

we tried. for 2 1/2 years. we tried hormones and pills and injections and daily blood tests at 7am, and intrusive ultrasounds every second day and hundreds and hundreds of dollars. and each time we would hope. we would dream. we would be sure that this was the time that would work. and it never was. the test would always come back negative. i can't count how many test strips i peed on. 

“I found that each time a test was negative, it stopped the dreaming and hoping for a while. Taking the test was a way of puncturing the balloons of hope, because if I didn't, they would lift and lift without any evidence, and their falling back down every month was too painful. Essentially, I took all these tests to keep myself from hoping, because the hoping was breaking my heart.” 
― Shauna Niequist

infertility makes me feel like i wasn't supposed to be born a woman. like everything about me is all wrong. like i am broken inside. the cause of my infertility is too many androgens - too many male hormones. and i have male pattern baldness. what the fuck? how is that fair? i am a woman. i am supposed to have female hormones. i am supposed to have hair on the top of my head. i am supposed to ovulate. i am supposed to have regular periods. 

i am supposed to be able to make a baby. 

and i can't. 

since the beginning of human history, all over the world, a woman's worth has been defined by her uterus and it's productivity. i am supposed to have the CHOICE of whether or not i want to have a baby. i don't have that choice. 

and it kills me. 

“I remember thinking about how mothers were prepared to run into burning buildings to save their children's lives. I thought I should be able to go through a bit more suffering, a bit more inconvenience to give my children life. It made me feel noble. But now I realize I'm a crazy woman running into a burning house for children who don't exist.” 
― Liane Moriarty

eventually we had to stop. stop the craziness that was our lives. stop the roller coaster. stop the hoping and the dreaming. stop the heart ache that came with every negative test. 

and every negative test came with guilt about my body and it's inability to do such a simple thing as ovulate and fertilize and keep a child. something that billions of women across the world do every year. and i couldn't. 

guilt. 

i am trying to take my health into my own hands. to fight against this disease that i have. to take strides to take care of myself. i am trying. and it is hard. and no matter what i do, i have to live with this. i have to live with too many male hormones. i have to live with too much insulin. i have to live with hair loss. i have to live with weight gain and difficulty losing weight. i have to live with not being able to handle eating sugar. i have to live with being infertile. 

... needless to say, this was an emotional week. and i can't believe i made it to friday. but here i am, alive and full of possibilities. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMM

tonight i am processing my session with Nosy Nora. (my therapist. see post from January 12, 2014 to learn more about that)

*** NOTE: i will not, i repeat NOT be coming home and blogging about my therapy sessions on a regular basis. at least, not about the details. therapy is incredibly personal and vulnerable and intimate. it also isn't transferable through conversations or writing. this is an extremely unique situation. and i wont be sharing the specifics about what took place within the office.

today i brought a bag with me. a bag of weight loss and diet books. books that represent every failed attempt to CONTROL my eating. books that represent how the more i try to CONTROL the more powerless i feel. the more people try to help me, the more i feel controlled by someone else. 

it was a big bag of books. honestly. so many years of trying different diets and failing. 

why? 

because diets don't work. they just don't. we live in a world where food and emotion are inexorably tied together. and the idea that you can just CONTROL the amount of food you eat .... well that's just plain silly! 

if diets worked ... if diets truly were effective ... then we wouldn't have a multibillion dollar diet industry. if diets worked, then the diet industry would be out of business! 

i have been reading every word written by Geneen Roth.  and I highly recommend her life-changing books.

 (click here for her website and her books) i mention her because the ideas i am talking about come from her. 

i will never diet again. ever. 

many people weren't initially fans of this new plan of mine. but they aren't in this body. and they aren't in my head. and my head and my body are both a mess ... so it is time to try something totally different ...

imagine, if you will, all the rules that have been placed on me because of PCOS (click here for PCOS info on an empowering website) and because of fertility (see blog posts from the last few years). 

no sugar, no white flour, no rice, no juice, and only 2 fruits a day. 

now imagine that it's christmas and i am given some chocolate. and i'm given permission (from myself) to eat the christmas chocolate. 

one piece. 

Ya right. 

forbidden glorious chocolate. so I eat the one piece. and then another. and then another. and as the euphoria of the sweet melting chocolate hits, i am overcome by the fact that i can't eat chocolate. that it isn't allowed. so i eat every goddamn piece of chocolate that i was given. and then i seek out more. and i eat and eat and eat that chocolate because i won't be able to eat it again the next day because it is forbidden and because i am on a diet. 

then I bask in the temporary sugar high from eating all that chocolate .... for a few glorious moments life is just right ... 

then it hits me what i have done. i have eaten chocolate. i have consumed sugar. i have broken all the rules. i have fucked up. now I'll always be fat. i'll never be thin. and worst of all, i'll NEVER get pregnant. 

and why? 

because i ate chocolate. 

then the pain begins ... a stabbing in my shoulder blade ... and it slowly spreads to my rib cage ... then it feels like there is a vice grip crushing me. and the crushing gets tighter and tighter ... and there is nothing left to do except to make myself throw up. 

yes, blog audience, and dear friends, i make myself throw up. a lot. regularly. especially when i start to panic that i have fucked up my entire life by eating chocolate (or chips, or fries, or cake, or candy, or pizza)

.........

rewind ...

... let's imagine a different christmas. same me. same scenario. i have been given chocolate as a gift. only in THIS scenario there are no rules. there are compassionate and intuitive guidelines. specifically, eat what i want, WHATEVER my body WANTS, when i am hungry and then stop eating when i am satisfied. 

hang on, stop right there. TIME OUT!!!

trust myself? trust my body? you have GOT to be kidding me!!! 

(go read Roth's books or her blog or her website and all will become clear ... and in the meanwhile ...)

imagine me sitting there with a pile of chocolate in my stocking. and it's christmas. so i eat a piece of chocolate. and i am satisfied. and i put the rest away. why? because i have permission to listen to my body. because the chocolate will still be there later if i want it. because I AM IN CHARGE OF WHAT I EAT AND NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CAN'T EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so back to Nosy Nora and the giant bag of diet books ...

... today i brought in those books and she joined me in tearing them to pieces. 

i thought that it would feel different. i thought that DESTROYING those books and what they represent for me would feel freeing and be a relief and it wasn't ... Nosy Nora suggested that perhaps that feeling would come later. 

so SC and i decided to go out for dinner (thanks for the gift card ARD, love you!!)  and you know what? i ordered what i wanted, 

and i only ate the amount that i wanted.

and then, if you please, we ordered dessert. which i also didn't feel the need to finish. 

when we got home, SC and i went to the recycling bin and i threw out those ripped to shreds books ...

and then i looked at the bag, in the bin, with the rest of the useless thrown-out TRASH GARBAGE DISGUSTING UNNECESSARY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT was when the relief came. THAT was when i felt free. (okay, okay, Nosy Nora, so you were right. again.)

sometimes in order to make change in our lives, we need a grand gesture: something to visually or physically represent what is going on emotionally. 

i needed to DESTROY the representations of my lack of control - not my lack of self-control, but my feeling of not being ALLOWED to make my own choices. because i WANT to be healthy, i WANT to feel good in my body, and goddammit, i WANT to get pregnant. 

but none of those things are going to happen if i am not the one running the show. 

I AM AN ADULT. I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING GOOD DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND IF I WANT TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE, I AM GOING TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ... rant is over ...

... in case you're curious, tomorrow's lunch is a giant salad made with organic veggies, chicken, and apple. NOT because i feel like i am supposed to, but because as delicious as the french fries were tonight, my body is TELLING me that i would like to eat veggies. and i can LISTEN to my body because the next time my body says it wants french fries, i can make the choice about whether or not i want to eat them. 

THAT is what it feels like to be free. 

THAT is what it feels like to breathe. 

THIS is what it feels like to be free. 

THIS is what it feels like to breathe. 

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

xoxo

...

Reflecting, Renewing, Rejoicing

pausing to notice ...

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Reflection

A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.William Kingdon Clifford

this is a month of reflection for me. looking back, not just on the last 2 years of ttc, but also looking back at the last 35 years. listening to the voice in my head. sometimes the voice isn't nice. sometimes she is a bully. a mean girl.

i have been trying to listen to the voice in my head and hear what she is saying; it's hard to listen without believing her. it's hard to hear what she is saying without believing her. she can be really mean. she judges me, and my choices, harshly.

but it's important to listen to her in order to hear what she is saying so that i can figure out why she is saying it. where do my messages come from? where did i learn the things that i have learned?

lessons from the voice in my head:

1. never tell anyone when you are hurt. keep it to yourself. 
2. never ask for help. find a way to manipulate the help that you need without coming right out and saying "i need help"
3. if you eat one piece of chocolate, you have ruined everything, so you might as well eat the whole thing. and have a second because really? you messed up.
4. if someone is mad at you, that means they are leaving you and they never want to be your friend again, so smooth it over as quickly as possible. 

Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.   – Ram Dass

Renewal

“Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.” ― Steven Hall, The Raw Shark Texts

it's a month of renewal. i have filled the fridge with fresh, locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables. i look forward to eating the fresh foods not only because of how good they taste, and how big the taste is, but because i know that it is good for me.

it makes my body feel good. it makes me feel good emotionally because it doesn't mess with my blood sugar or my hormone levels. but it also makes me feel good psychologically to know that i am making good choices.

today i bought a $7 loaf of bread.

Photo from Bunner's Website

that's nuts. or so i thought. but as i sat in the big red chair eating a slab of bread, still warm ... i decided i would have paid $14.

the bread is made from a blend of bean flours, which gives it extra fiber and protein. but it also has no dairy, no eggs, and no wheat. amazing. it tastes like a spongy white bread. (click here see the link under the photos to go to the Bunner's website if you live in toronto and want to visit this fantastic bakery)

on my kitchen counter right now there are two treats: a cinnamon bun and a vanilla cupcake - both of which are also made with no wheat, no eggs, and no dairy. vegan and gluten-free. sweetened with agave. i can't even begin to describe my excitement.

Photo from Bunner's Website

getting excited about food again is a wonderful feeling. knowing that the food tastes good, is good for me, and wont make me feel sick or sad or anxious or moody. it's an incredible feeling.

i took the time today to really experience the time at acupuncture. to feel the points the needles were in. to feel how my muscles feel. to feel the tension in my muscles. to try to relax the muscles - to release the tension. it feels like in that hour, i am renewing my energy for the week.

Rejoice

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.Lao Tzu

how do you rejoice when there is so much craziness and despair in the world around you? how do you face each day, knowing what is going on in the world? it isn't easy. i am a person who thinks a lot. a person who wonders. a person who ponders what everyone else in the world is doing. i think about my students. i think about my friends. i think about people in other countries. i think about everyone. so how do i take time to rejoice?

i am working on myself. on rejoicing in the small things in life that make me who i am - that make my life what it is.

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

i savour the taste of the fresh, soft, warm bread. i slowly sip my once a day chai latte instead of gulping it down.

i revel in sitting in the livingroom making crochet flowers while BB unravels the wool for me.

i appreciate long car rides with BB, listening to music, looking at the sights around us, appreciating each other's company.

i am rejoicing in the smell of fresh cut grass, the taste of agave in my tea, the sounds of giggling children at the park. i am rejoicing in being with people who make me feel good, who make me feel worthy and valued and like i can be myself. i am rejoicing in seeing old friends, getting a hug, watching friends finish a giant bottle of wine, making plans to do things i wouldn't normally do -  like drive to strafford to see a show, or drive to barrie to see a half-price movie with my best friend, or sit at the coffee shop ACROSS from starbucks (*wink*).

i am rejoicing in thinking about going back to work. meeting my new students. seeing how the returning students have grown. hearing about their summer vacations. getting back into the routines.

i am rejoicing in knowing that soon i will go back to school shopping: the smell and feel of fresh new pencils, pencil crayons, erasers ....

in the midst of chaos, struggle, and major changes, there is good.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.   – Winston Churchill

through reflection, renewal, and rejoicing, the good in the world shines brightly.

my hope for you, whether you are ttc, or starting a new job, or dealing with the health of your family, my hope for you is that you can find the beauty in the day and focus your energy on the positive.

much love,

xoxo


....

there are angels everywhere ... you just have to open your eyes ...

i have posted before about angels who are helping me through this. i have talked at length about gigi and april and how i talk to them and ask them for guidance and for strength.  


and i have posted before about how my most of my angels are here are earth with me:


@ ARD who says funny things about my infertility like "well, they need to fix that." 


@ DV who texts "yay yay yay!" and listens with patience to my detailed descriptions of levels and ultrasounds and my whining and complaining. 


@ HC and GC who send love love love and have been drivers in the most awkward situations imaginable. 


@ AS who gives us love and hugs and comes for tea when she knows we need a distraction. 


@ GT who listens to ALL OF IT and says "no!" at all the right parts and covers for me every time i have an early ultrasound or get caught in traffic after blood work.


 and of course, the most important, 


@ BB, who rubs my belly and talks to my ovaries and lets me cry and tells me it will be okay and reminds me of what this is all for. 


but this week i met a new angel. VS. she was my dance teacher for all 5 years of high school. i went to a show on thursday night and VS was there. we said hello and hugged. and then she said something that i have been replaying over and over in my head. she said:

"i can feel something big is going to happen for you. i can feel it standing right here with you. i want you to open yourself to the universe. be open to creation. focus on being open and then just sit back and watch. don't stress. don't think about it. just watch what you will create." 

drawing borrowed from this website

i have decided that the angels are everywhere: 

@ Bernice who stabs me for blood, but who always makes me laugh and who tells me an abridged version of the clinic gossip (i hope she wins at BINGO soon). 

@ Anna, the nurse, who listens to the doctor and makes faces behind his back when he is babbling about yak urine and yams. 

@ the pharmacist who prepares my prescription each month and makes sure that nothing i am taking will interfere with fertility. 

@ MHD-Z who reads my emails and tells me everything will be alright. who told me to give my body a break and that the 74 day cycle was due to hormonal imbalance from all the drugs in the fall. 

@ CR who asked the most inappropriate questions after only having spoken to her once before, but who made me realize that even though we have been "trying to conceive" for a year and a half, we have actually only had 2 IUIs which in the grand scheme of things is not very long at all. it's about average to take 3-6 tries. 

@ Pokey Sue, who sticks seventy-three needles in me twice a week and balances my chi and got rid of my cysts. 

(april at a picnic at the zoo with a friend's baby. 

she would be made a wonderful mama)

There are angels everywhere. 

you just have to open your eyes. 

xoxo

.......